I've been depressed for 3 years... A lot I've put myself through with those 3 years... I recently had a dream involving the person I have had such deep and intense emotional feelings for that I cared about a lot and to honestly say I love. I feel I messed up and feel guilty in a way for causing her to want nothing to do with me and push me out of her life... I have had a dream recently (and I am going into the USMC mostly and mainly for the mental thought and desire to protect her because she is a part of the US and therefore I wish to feel I can keep her safe if I can't do that on a personal level without feeling bad myself for being anywhere near her.) in which I was walking in a black hoodie-jacket with the hoodie up as to hide who I was without obtaining recognition... And I was walking along a highway along a sidewalk. And she happened to be walking out of a building like a store or something and was turned with her back facing the parking lot which was in between the highway and the store and it seemed to me from that dream she was talking to someone on her way out the store I never dreamed or knew what she was saying but she turned around and was walking in between two cars barked in the parking lot next to her and I'm starting to pass by the parking lot near where she is and a black jeep (I've tried to figure out what kind of jeep it was I've never seen it before enough to remember it but I know it was a Jeep because of it's design and how the front grill was and the rims and just the entire design) and the driver of the Jeep was passing through the parking lot heading towards me but through parallel to me in the parking lot and from left to right of L.N. [initials of the person for ease of explaining] and it was passing by decently fast but not very fast and L.N. seemed unaware the driver was close to the back of the vehicles and the driver was unaware she was walking through the parking lot... Next thing I know I'm running through the parking lot and I put my arms out in front as to push her out of the way as the jeep is passing by and the way it happened my arms had enough clearance that the right front end of the jeep clipped my right-side and it seemed the impact would have been what really could happen in reality for a vehicle hitting a human at a speed like what it seemed to be going and how much damage would be done. I ended up getting clipped right about where the front right headlight was on the jeep and even though I managed to push L.N. out of the way the impact with the jeep caused me to be spun around to where my head was facing the direction the jeep was and I landed on the right side of the jeep in between the parked vehicles and the rim of the jeep that had just hit me and my hands were laid out flat across the ground and I could feel the bones snapping in my ribs and feel the pain as it all happened and feel the force of the impact as if it really was happening and by the time the jeep had suddenly stopped after I landed on the ground the driver was trying to get out and rush around and L.N. was turning over and trying to sit to where she could see what had just happened and people were rushing out of the store to try and help and next thing I'm trying to pull myself up from the ground and I knew I did something to my leg and I was holding my ribs and I tried to limp off and the lady that was driving the jeep was trying to find out if I was okay and was freaking out and I tried limping off and I saw from another viewpoint a man trying to help L.N. up from the ground and she's just still sitting on the ground trying to look at me and see who I was and what happened and I guess trying to take in all of what happened... And I am limping away back the way I came and then I remember the sun starting to go down and set because it was late in the day and I remember being off the highway away from any attention and I sat down against those big green metal things that look like power things they are a light green color and have the vent things on the sides of them and you often find them nearby traffic intersections... I remember sitting down with my back up against it and just falling asleep and knowing that I died... Then next thing it was later that night and I was in a house and L.N. was standing in front of a mirror looking into it and I guess trying to think about what happened earlier because she had her hands cupped over her mouth and nose like she was taking it all in and she closed her eyes... and when she opened them I was standing behind her a few feet and holding my side and she could see blood stains soaked through my pants and the same hoodie that I wore that was now torn and she could see me holding my right side and I was leaning against a wall or a door frame and then held up with my other hand a small note like the size of a business card and she recognized me but she didn't realize it was the me that she had removed from her life that was depressed over her... and she turned around and I was gone and the note that was in my hand was now floating and flipping over itself falling to the floor and when she went over and picked it up it had one of the promises I made her written on it in pen and it said, "I'll never leave you" - I promised and she knew then that it was me... And that's all I have from it, but I seem to keep revisiting that dream like it keeps reoccurring and I can see everything from just about any viewpoint I guess imaginable from my own perspective from anyone else and even from like 3rd person I guess or even overall viewpoint of just like seeing everything happen outside of someone's eyes and from I guess you could say as if I were floating in the sky or something seeing it... I've been very, very emotional for this girl, she doesn't know how much. She cast me out of her life and I feel sorrow and regret, and even remorse, I can't stop thinking about her...
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