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From about age 6 or 7 I had a recurring nightmare that happened frequently until I got my dog when I was 16. I have since correlated the dream with the helplessness that I felt from a past abuse that was invalidated by my mother.
The background: We lived in a large 3 story home with a huge yard and woods on one side of the house. There were many doors and windows and many parts of that house that scared me to go to. I slept in one of the upstairs bedrooms down the hall from my parents room near the back of the house. I slept in a little cubby off the side of the bedroom. I slept with my older brothers bowie knife under my mattress, he never seemed to miss it. I would push the mattress away from the wall just enough to slide in-between the mattress and the wall. I would then pull the covers over me so that you could not tell I was there. Some nights I would go to sleep with my hand on the knife handle.
The dream always started with me getting ready for bed and knowing that there was someone coming for me. I knew they would get me and there was nothing that I or anyone could do. I would run around the house locking all the doors and windows. When I would get to the scariest parts of the house in my dream I could feel fear like I have rarely felt in my life. After locking the house up I would go up and go to my bedroom knowing that he was coming. I would sit there on my bed and the suspense would get worse and the horror of helplessness would get worse. I knew he would be coming in through my parents bedroom window. Sometime my parents were home and some times I was alone. It never mattered though. He was coming for me and they could and would do nothing to try to help me. I could not call the police I could not protect myself. The dream always ended with the person climbing in through my parents window and about to grab me. At that point I would wake up petrified, feeling so scared, breathing heavy and my heart racing. I would then run to my parents bedroom where I would climb in bed with my parents. The first few times I talked them into letting me stay in there bed. It quickly went from that to having to sleep on the floor next to my mom. Which was better than nothing but still very very scary for me. It was a short while later that My mom would let me lay by her for 15 minutes and then I would have to go back to my room. I would run back to my room, leave the light on and hide until I fell asleep from exhaustion. This dream happend fairly regularly until I was probably about 12 at which point it started happening fewer and further between. It got to a point early on that I quit going to my parents when I would have the dream and instead would get up and move stuff in front of my door, pull the Bowie knife out and just sit there with the most scared and helpless feeling until I would get so tired I would give up, put the knife back under the mattress, slide down between the mattress and the wall and fall back asleep.
I can remember every feeling and detail about this nightmare as clear as day. Physical, emotional, all the details.
I believe this dream may have stemmed from being molested by my Doctor when I was very young. It happened in front of my mother and every time I expressed to her how mad and upset I was about it she would try to help me understand that it was a medical procedure and that because I was a sensitive child it felt different than what it was. Should would say Dr so in so is a very good doctor and I agree with you he did not handle it properly.
I made her promise not to take me back to him, that I would kill him, that I hated him!! She agreed to it.
I certainly have not shared all the details and one could easily say maybe you were not molested, that is fair and fine you can think that. But I can tell you whatever his intention was, wether medical or not, I was molested, I was violated in a traumatic and scaring way that has taken part of my life from me.
The facts that came back now 26 years later validate that it actually was a molestation but like I said wether or not that was the doctors intention to me it was real, it was traumatizing, it was a feeling of violation that words can't describe you can feel it but you can not express it to its full extent.
|Dream Symbols from our Dream Dictionary:||bedroom window | bowie knife | cubby | doors and windows | fear | heart | helpless | helplessness | horror | locking all the doors|
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