I Have a Joke to Tell Stories of Experiences

What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An Impasta.

lol xD

Why did the dumb prison guard weigh all of the hookers in the ladies' unit, and then all the felons in the prison?
...Well, somebody told him that when he's making a big decision, he should always weigh the pros and cons.
(Ba-dumTING)

A soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager...

Due to current financial situation caused by the slow down in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing...

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey...

1. The man was so fat that when he takes a shower his feet dont get wet
2. The lady has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
3.The man was so fat that when he stepped on to a talking scale it said "please one at a time"

I...

Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on viagra?......He's a little stiff now

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the...

 So I went to the doctor and told him that a two week  vacation in the Bahamas to get some sun and a suntan would cure my illness.,but I don't have the money to pay for it.. I ask "Will Medicare pay for it?  The doctor says:" yes...

"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be"
Which one are you??
 

A woman came home the other day screaming to her her husband hurry get packed I won the lottery.The husband says to his wife "what should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?".She replies " i don't care what you pack, just get out...

One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife.She was in a sexy little nighty." tie me up" she purred, "and you can do any thing you want!.So he tied her up and went golfing.

A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch.
He talks with an old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs".
The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is...

What do you call a leper in a bath?
Disprin

What do you call a leper in a shower?
Head and Shoulders

Never Hi 5 a Rabbi

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do...

contacting a dead musician  why not try an old song, knock three times on the ceiling  if  you  want me, and twice on the pipe if the answer is no.

The Economy Is So Bad That...

I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond
5...

My very religious mother sent me this joke today...  Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them    They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to...

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and...