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I Am a Codependent

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 408 People

    I have just discovered

    that I am codependent. It's not something that I want to be true, but it so obviously is. I'm terrified about what it means for my future (especially pertaining to romantic relationships) & what it means about my past (how was I "functioning" this way for so long & never fully...
    sitasings sitasings 26-30 4 Responses Jan 22

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    Total Chaos...but I'm Still In One Piece

    In April of 2010, I was on POF, an online site, two months out of my self-imposed dating isolation of 13 years. I had made the decision to not date until my kids were grown, knowing I couldn't trust myself in a relationship.My kids were already going through an unhealthy...
    lulu1107 lulu1107 51-55, F Nov 26, 2011

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    September 27. Temporary Setbacks.

    Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate. This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 5 days ago

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    September 12. Healing.

    "We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 12

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    September 25. Peace with the Past.

    "Even God cannot change the past." —Agathon Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy - energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow. "I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response a week ago

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    September 15. Getting Through Hard Times.

    "We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only God and we can determine the timing." —Codependent No More Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 15

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    September 7. Powerless over Others.

    Stop making excuses for other people. Stop making excuses for ourselves. While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 7

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    June 18. Being Vulnerable.

    Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections - not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 18

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    September 14. What's Good

    for Me? When we are soul searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face during the day, we can learn to ask, is this good for me?... Is this what I really want?... Is this what I need?...Does this direction feel right for me?...or am I succumbing to the control...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 14

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    I live in a relationShip

    that feels like a one way street. I wish I could go back and stop my younger self from ending up this way.
    tristaspuella tristaspuella 22-25, F 3 days ago

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    Jlk081981 Jlk081981 31-35 1 Response Mar 28

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    June 24. Detachment. Detachment doesn't come

    naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment. "The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 24

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    Trying To Make Big Changes

    I am a codependent. It's an admission that's not easy to make, but a necessary one to acknowledge. The first step to making changes is to acknowledge that there is something I want to change. We are what we repeatedly do, and I want to be healthy and happy. To accomplish this I...
    findmeholdmeloveme findmeholdmeloveme 18-21 1 Response Aug 19, 2013

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    September 30. Not a Victim.

    You are not a victim. How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 days ago

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    September 11. Conflict

    and Detachment. In a relationship, there are those wonderful times when things go smoothly for both people, and neither person needs to focus too heavily on the concept of detachment. But there are those challenging times when one person is in crisis or changing - and we need...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 11

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    September 21. Letting Go of Urgency.

    One thing at a time. That's all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace. One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time. One pleasure at a time. Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 21

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    September 22. Trusting Ourselves.

    Many of us believed that heeding the words of God or our Higher Power meant following rigid rules, an instruction booklet for life. Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words our Higher Power...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 22

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    The Hardest Lessons Are Those We Learn Ourselves.

    I've spent the past twenty years going from relationship to relationship, seeking that One Person who would make me happy to be alive.  There were fleeting moments, teases of what happiness really was, but never anything that stuck.  The past five and a half years were...
    witchywomin witchywomin 31-35, F 6 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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    September 16. Revenge.

    No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person. We want revenge. We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 16

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    Coda Is Working For Me

    I'm blogging a little on here, about my struggle to let go of the life I thought I was going to have with these people I love so much.  Learning about codependency and attending the meetings and getting all the support and resources for it are really saving my sanity.  I am...
    rapturetourniquet rapturetourniquet 31-35 2 Responses Jun 9, 2011

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    Letting Go (help)

    I find that I have a hard time with people who need help. It is very difficult for me to let things (they do, have done, or have happened to them etc) go when I know those things are causing them harm. I try to not focus on them, but the pain that I know is coming weighs on my...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Feb 8, 2011

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    September 19. Apologies.

    Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gap. But we don't have to say, "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 19

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    September 17. New Relationship Behaviors.

    We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without over reacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 17

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    September 10. Self-approval.

    Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others. Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 Responses Sep 10

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    September 29. The Importance of Money.

    We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we're seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability. Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we're worth. We will be paid what we're worth when we believe...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Recovery

    When I first joined the path to overcoming codependency, I found that I was carrying a lot of baggage for other people (not that they asked me to or even knew.) I tried to toss out things that weren't really my stuff. Since there was a lot of baggage it was kinda easy at first...
    madstalker madstalker 41-45, M Jan 6, 2013

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    June 17. Surrender. Master the lessons of your

    present circumstances. We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door. Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 17

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    I'm not exactly sure

    if I'm codependent. But growing up I didn't really see the need for my own personal growth, instead saw my life as service to others... I didn't know life wasn't supposed to be that way. And so at 20 I feel left behind a bit.
    mynameisandy mynameisandy 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks...

    I've been journeying down this road towards recovery from depression, and realized not too long ago that a huge piece of the puzzle is that I'm a codependent, and have been stuck in a 14+ years of one relationship after another to make me feel validated as a human being. I've...
    transienthope transienthope 22-25, F 2 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    September 13. Times of Reprogramming.

    Recovery is not all-tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. These are the times when what we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 13

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    September 23. Tolerance.

    Practice tolerance. Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature. Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 23

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    Almost All My Characteristics :(

    Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are: An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time A tendency to...
    writingablog writingablog 31-35, F 5 Responses Jan 19, 2012

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    September 20. Spontaneity.

    In recovery, we're learning to let ourselves go! We're learning to be spontaneous. Spontaneity may frighten some of us. We may be afraid of the loss of control involved with spontaneity. We may still be operating under the codependent rules that prohibit spontaneity: be good...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 Responses Sep 20

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    In Limbo Right Now

    Hello All, I have realized that I am codependent for a little over a year now. I am a man in my 40s,  I have been married for almost 14 years and we have a precious 9 year old son.  My wife and I are in limbo it seems.  I am active right now in my...
    Joe43 Joe43 41-45 2 Responses Jun 14, 2009

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    June 11. Moving Forward.

    Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 11

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    September 26. Feeling Protected.

    Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe. We do not want to dwell on the danger for that gives power to the...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 6 days ago

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    September 28. Prayer.

    Here are some of my favorite prayers: Help. Please. Don't. Show me. Guide me. Change me. Are you there? Why'd you do that? Oh. Thank you. Today, I will tell God what I want to tell God, and listen for God's answer. I will remember that I can trust God. From The Language of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    September 24. Allowing Ourselves to be Needy.

    We can accept ourselves as people who have needs - the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, and healthy touch. We need positive reinforcement, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F a week ago

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    I Wanted To Share This Poem

    I learned that I am codependent thought one of my classes at the University.  My professor, who is also codependent, shared this poem with us and I wanted to share it with all of you now! Comes the Dawn Veronica Shorffstall, 1971 After a while you learn the subtle...
    NovemberBlue NovemberBlue 22-25, F 5 Responses Jun 23, 2010

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    I Am A Codependent Man.

    I have been codependent for seems forever. It started I guess in school. One day I was waiting on my brother to pick me up from school and he never showed up. I was only like 10 years old. Ever since then I have been paranoid about people leaving me , not caring about me , and...
    markowenby markowenby 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 12, 2012

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    I Realised This Today

    I was on a website trying, as I have been for what seems like eons, to work out what is wrong with me.  My activity here today is the culmination of that work with this being my first story here. I found an immense list of characteristics of codependent people...
    TheFunHasGone TheFunHasGone 36-40, F 10 Responses Jun 30, 2009

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    I miss my ex. It was a very unhappy

    relationship. I know its my disease talking. I know ill be healed soon from my bad relationship compulsions.
    milanmilan milanmilan 36-40, F 1 Response Sep 15

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    September 9. Perspective.

    Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time. That will make us crazy. We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 9

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    What It Means To Me.

    I don't know how to read people.I keep thinking that I'm "bad" if I don't do something perfectly. I feel like I have to keep striving for something but I don't know what it is. I get scared that if I say or do the wrong thing that people won't like me. If I walk into a room...
    peaceapple peaceapple 36-40 5 Responses Feb 17, 2011

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    September 18. Letting the Good Stuff Happen.

    "Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect!" —Anonymous I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I'm afraid...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 18

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    September 5. Step Ten.

    "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." —Step Ten of Al Anon Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This Step incorporates the process we have gone...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 5

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    Just Found Out That I Am A Codependent And That It Hurt My Marriage For The Whole Duration

    Just had a very hard time with my marriage for the first time in 8 years. My wife suddenly told me that she wasn't sure that she wanted to be here anymore. We have two young sons (5.5 and 3.5) years old. I immediately panicked and exploded with thoughts and words of self harm and...
    frenchyStAnger frenchyStAnger 31-35, M 3 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    October 2. Coping with Families.

    There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    October 1. Be Who You Are.

    In recovery; we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are. For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    June 26. Surviving Slumps.

    A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 26

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    Wanting To Get Better

    My Doctor first told me about codependency. I had no idea what it was, but she believed that that was what I was suffering from. I have read Melody Beattie's Books about Codependency - Codependent No More workbook and The New Codependency. There were many parts in the books that...
    brightsmove brightsmove 36-40, F 1 Response May 4, 2012

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    March 5. Be Who You Are.

    When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 Responses Mar 5

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    September 8. Stopping Our Pain.

    "Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn." —Beyond Codependency There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 8

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