I Am a Husband In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | Anger at a stay-at-home wife

Alright - here's my situation.  We've been married 15 years.  A few months before our second of three kids was born, the wife decided she didn't want to work anymore - wanted to stay home to raise the kids.  I was fine with it.  I got a second job to make ends meet and busted my *** 7am to 11pm cause I loved her.  

She has a sweet life.  Gets up when she wants - sometimes as late as 10am.  Goes to bed when it suits her - usually between 1am and 3 am.  Now she does have the 3 kids with her 4, 8 and 11 and homeschools them, but its not very intense.  Takes them to classes, coops, playgroups, etc.  But her days are pretty open and unstructured - if she doesn't want to do something that day, they don't.  She buys what she wants, wants for nothing, spends a lot of time with her friends who are also stay-at-home mothers.  she usually goes out 2-3 times each week in the evenings or weekend for "mom's nights out" and I take care of the kids.

My life - up at 5am, farm chores, 70 mile commute to work, leave work at 5, 70 mile commute back, arrive around 6:30 thru heavy traffic, chores, side work for third job mixed in there.  I have to be in bed by 9:30, 10 at the latest.  My days are structured from the time my alarm clock rings to the time i go to bed.  They have taken 4 vacations in the past 2-3 years without me.  Her and the other mothers and all the lids head to an amusement park for 3-4 days while the dad's go to work.  The last 6 days of vacation I burned at my job I used to do some contract work for a side client.  Which she used to get lasik surgery.  I spend every evening with her and the kids and telecommute a day a week to be with them more.

She drives a new car around town.  I drive a 13 year old car 140 miles a day to work.  A car that she found for me and now refuses to put the kids in because its "too dangerous."

I make dinner twice a week.  Do all my own laundry cause its the only way I will have clean underwear to go to work in.  Clean the house, mow, take care of the farm, and try not to fall asleep on my drive home and die.

So?  Well we had sex last week for the first time in 6 weeks (and 8 weeks before that).  It went so well that I decided I wanted to have sex again this week.  So I said so Monday, then Tuesday and again last night.  But it seems by the time she decided to come to bed either a kid was still up or she was just too tired. This is what ****** me off -- the constant bullshit excuses of HER being too ******* tired to have sex.  Or the kids being up too late (wake them up earlier in the f'ing morning instead of letting them sleep as late as they want).  Or her falling asleep on the couch for half the night.  Or whatever.  I know it is so damn neanderthal to expect a wife who doesn't have to work and gets to do whatever she wants all day to have sex with me, but dammit, I wouldn't mind feeling a little bit of gratitude once a ******* week.  I bust my *** for her.  And she's the one who's too tired???

You know what?  I am a great husband.  She's lucky to have me.  I make very good money, I'm pretty good looking and I treat her and the kids great.  Maybe she ought to acknowledge that once in a while.  Her friends have told her often enough.  She could say it to me instead of me always telling her what a great mother and wife she is.  Or better yet - how about giving me a little something?  When she asks what I want for my birthday or christmas or fathers day or our anniversary - I always tell her the same thing - a hot roll in the hay with her.  I never get it tho.  But you would think she'd get the message.  HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND BEFORE HE DECIDES TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSE UP ON THE OFFER!!!!

I'll ask for sex again tonite.  Wonder what her excuse will be.  If she even offers one up.

What a rant.  I'm done now.  Time for my long drive home.

Hi mate its a long time since youve posted is everything ok.

Sounds just like my wife except she is hardly at home and takes me for granted.

Your in the same position as me where that your pissed off. I think you need to sit down and talk to her and let her know how you feel about your life and marriage. Then arrange to have further talks a few days later and write down in private what you both want from life and marriage and what you want changing. Then go through each others list with each other and see if you can compromise. I think you should both put down everything like lack of sex etc and see if you can both compromise. If shes not willing to talk or listen and compromise then leave her.

Ps thats what im going to do with my wife but im waiting to pluck up the courage maybe tonight i will make a start and sit her down.

wow, i feel totally sad for you.  Im the woman of my family, we have 3 kids under the age of 4yrs, and i have the belief the if the man goes out to earn the money then the woman should have the house ship shape every afternoon the man walks through that door, tea on the table and the washing basket empty and maching empty for the days dirty clothes.  In my home i must admit at the end of the day my husband should know how much i appreciate him, even if im too tired (which is nearly every night) to give him sex.  U mr have to give this woman a hard line talking to, get her organised, tell her loud and proud that she needs to pick up her game.  Sounds like you need to kick her in gear in a matter of speaking.  Communicate as best you can, write down a list of the things that irritate u, upset you and things you would love to be changed.  Get your balls beck mate and stand up.xxx

I dont; expect the house ship-shape or dinner on the table every night.  I've seen her schedule with the kids and it's a busy one.  But it sure ain't as busy or stressful as mine so I'm not buying the too tired crap.  

Communicate?  Talk?    hahahahahaha - been there done that multiple times.  Worthless. I somehow end up the ******* and to blame for adding more stress to her soooo busy life.  It's pointless to pursue it again.  I brought home a book on sexless marriages and asked her to read it.  She got pissed and immediately threw it in the trash.  I was in the doghouse for a month.  Not worth it to go there again.  

I don't want or need a clean house and tea and an empty washing machine.  I want an intimate relationship with my wife.  A 2-way one, not me always having to ask for sex.

okay so first off, I really hope that I never ever end up treating my husband like this, I'd like to think i'm sensitive to his feelings and that we would talk about things like this before they became such a mess. And secondly I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I just have a question have you tried telling her all these things? or would she just blow you off? Cuz I don't understand living such a cushy life and then not giving anything in return. When I don't feel like having sex I think about how he feels and I turn over and give in but I tell him to make it quick, lol . jk, but anyways having sex and pleasing each other is like 50% of the freakin relationship, in my oppinion, and besides sex only takes like what 5 min out of her "super busy day." 

  My ideas for you are talk to her, sit her down no deistractions and make her listen to you, maybe before you start say "I think we should give each other a turn to talk without interuptions" Then talk and don't let her inturrupt you and after, let her talk without any inturruptions. And if that doesn't work maybe try seeing a counsulor?? Also try to spice up the sex life, buy a book or a video, or tell her to have the kids spend the night at a friends house then come home in a firemens outfit.. I dunno if ur into that, but if my man did that I'd get fired up and yeah.. you get the picture. I dunno if your into that but maybe shes just bored with the sex life...?

This is somthing that you both have to work at.. good luck, hope I helped. :)

I really feel for your frustration. It sounds like you'd be happier if she would at least take care of your sexual needs.

Unfortunately from my very limited experience, there is this whole psychological jazz about how women can't be sexual unless they feel "in the mood" or everything is perfect with their life from their perspective. It seems to be true for some women and God Forbid if they have to do something they don't feel like doing because that means no sex until they get over it IF they ever get over it. (I didn't feel like going to work or changing diapers but I did so with a smile on my face for everybody else so they could have a happy day.)

Anyway, I think it is futile to get someone to change unless they want to change themselves.

Sorry to bust in guys but I couldn't help it...

What I would have given to be a stay at home wife and mommy!  Unfortuantely, my husband didn't make enough money for me to stay at home with our daughter so I couldn't.  Even with all that, I still found time to do special things for him until the point that couldn't happen anymore.

Forgive me for asking but what, on God's green Earth, does a stay at home wife/mommy have to do *besides* dream up ways to make her husband and children happy.  Note:  Husband is FIRST! 

I work and I still hahave to do all the other things the stay at home wife/mommy has to do, so WHAT ELSE does she have to do that prevents her from making *oodles* of time to make "you" happy????

B*tch!  I hate her too.  I could have definately put that time to better use!

Sounds like she needs a wake up call.  Ya don't know what you've got til it's gone. 

Sometimes, we need to lose or almost lose what we have to appreciate it.

Good luck.

Vortex, Your experience is so chillingly close to mine, I would have thought I had written it in one of my late night ramblings....except for the fact that this is the first night I am writing my feelings at all...Not talked to anyone, or written about it. Of course other than my darling wife.

We have been married 8 years, have one 3 1/2 year daughter born my IUI.

I just am not sure what is wrong? Among all the other things we fight about, I think the most I am depressed about is that I cannot understand what is wrong with our life?

We have moved from a rental appt, to  townhouse to a house to a brand new house in 8 years. We have gone through every luxury brand car, national and international vacations...and dont get me wrong. To me none of this is important, but just wanted to give a perspective that we are not financially deprived.

When it comes to sex, the few times we have done it in these years, she refuses to even touch me down there, with her fingers. So I am supposed to get it up by kissing her and then perform foreplay and then get it over with. I am not sure that is fair. So I get put off, but am a man and need something.

But lately in the last six months, twice and that too not even sex. I help her ********** and then she turns over. I am not sure what kind of a man I am to take this, what I consider an insult, but here I am, still in the marriage.

The one thing keeping me, my daughter...I would die for her, forget giving up sex...but cannot keep going back to thinking of all the pleasures of a woman that I am missing.

At least I am not alone.

Man have you got the short end of the wedge. You're not her husband..you're her atm machine.

You and I are leading identical lives! I am so tired of the rejection, I am now reluctant to even ask.  We fight each and every weekend.  I do all the work from friday night when I get home, until Sunday night when I go to bed...ALONE! 

I too have had about as much as I can take.  An escort service might be the only answer! 

Hi Axeman,

You could say I've sort of been where you wife is now.  My partner and I have been together 11 years this year and we have a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  For the first 7 months of her life I was suffering with post natal depression and couldn't even bring myself to physically show my love for her, let alone my man (I also couldn't bring myself to get out of bed some days).  He was there for me and I got the help I needed and we're back on track.  Don't get me wrong, we're not at it like **** stars, lol, but none of us are starved of sexual attention.

Do you think your wife may be suffering with post natal depression?  What with her having three children with her all day and you're not home until very late?  Woman can show signs in very different ways and you wife is showing some signs; getting up late, no sex drive, not wanting to stick to a structure for the day and a lack of drive to get chores done.

I know your youngest is 4, but post natal depression can last a life time if not properly treated.

Really sit down and talk.  Start with the sentence "I'm really concerned about you and our marriage because..." list everything you've listed here, leaving the sex until last.  Make the sex a big deal to her and she'll shut herself off to your conversation.

The best of luck to you.  I hope you can find happiness again.

Im 21 And I Have Been Married For 2 Years. Me And My Wife Used To Have Great Sex All Of The Time And Then 3 Months After We Were Married She Said She Did Not Want To Have Sex Anymore. She Claims She Just Never Feels Like Doing It. Whats Worse Is That She Quit Her Job And Now Demands That I Give Her Money All Of The Time To Go Shopping With Her Sister And Mother. Now She Is Slowly Driving Me Mad. Ive Tried Everything And I Dont Know What To Do.

I know the feeiing. I have had sex with my wife maybe 4 times in 23 years. Looking back,I realise that it was partly my fault for letting it drift. The weeks go to months then you end up in a rut. I my case ,I didnt want to put pressure on her. The problem was that she just sort of said great ,no pressure,I will get on with my life. She enjoys the kids and her career. Over the last  few years ,I have got more depressed. I havnt cared about my job,the house,myself.

   As I see it...the refuser is happy with the status quo. why should he or she change. they feel no pain.

   I feel for you.  just dont do what I did and let it drift on. I'm nearly 60 now .and wish I could turn the clock back,but I can't.

    Good luck.

hey brother,do you ever sometimes think about leaving your cell phone ,wallet ,car & just hitch a ride?would be nice if you can then sit back somewhere & watch what happens through a crystal ball.see how she handles everything without you?maybe leave a letter explaining your situation?but then again you have kids & i know that is the hardest part.glad we are not alone,found this site by accident kept everything bottled inside & pretended in front of family everthing is ok.feel for you bro,hope she snaps out of it take care & good luck to you