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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 42,821 People

    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 23 Responses Nov 30

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    I'm a self-taught optician.

    I printed out an eye chart and read all the instructions so that's it.
    TheDimJoker TheDimJoker 13-15, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    sk109345 sk109345 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 13

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    How come society makes us feel bad

    for thinking out the box when all the time it's made up to control us. Come play at secreterotica . com it's sexy, fun the groups and library are wicked and no BS censorship either.
    YouKnowItMakesSense YouKnowItMakesSense 31-35, M Nov 28

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    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 23

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    YouMadeMeThink YouMadeMeThink 22-25, M 5 Responses Mar 16

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    RockBandsLover01 RockBandsLover01 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 8

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    Yesterday my friend said "yay it's finally

    Christmas season! Rudolph the red nosed reindee-" *SLAP* "No ***** this is thanksgiving."
    SeanNation SeanNation 18-21, M Nov 27

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    They say I act like I don't give a ****.

    I tell them I'm not acting. ;)
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 5 Responses Oct 28

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    I'm not a racist, nor do I discriminate.

    I hate everyone equally.
    DeathstalkerScorpion DeathstalkerScorpion 22-25, M 4 Responses Nov 26

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    Relationships are a lot like algebra.

    .. Ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 1 Response Jul 30

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    Oh I was wrong??? I apologize.

    .. UNFUCK you :)))
    irreelevance irreelevance 16-17, F Nov 23

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    What are you thankful for?

    Who are the friends and loved ones you will be with? If you fall into the other category such as myself. What are you doing to keep busy to not even acknowledge the day. Ill be getting drunk, with my fellow bachelor roommates. Who all for one reason or another let themselves...
    NarratorAkaTylerDurden NarratorAkaTylerDurden 31-35, M Nov 27

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    "Hey doc, when Atheists go to court,

    do they have to swear on the bible?" Smart kid...
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 12 Responses Dec 2

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    It's not that I hate you.

    ..wait no... I do... I hate you -_-
    irreelevance irreelevance 16-17, F 1 Response Nov 23

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    I actually get that a lot,

    especially when I am in school.
    silviae85 silviae85 22-25, F Dec 2

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    i didnt mean to offend you,

    sorry im only mean to people i love or hate
    Idioticnerd Idioticnerd 13-15, M 2 Responses Nov 25

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    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 7 Responses Sep 12

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    Me and my mom were baking pies

    for thanksgiving Mom: Scoop it around the edge. Me: It's a circle Mom, it has no edges Mom: Well at least I'm in shape. Me: I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape
    BakinBaker BakinBaker 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Mom: Quit being such a smartass Me: Me?

    A Smartass? Pfft never. Besides butts aren't smart.
    MusicSavesMyLife MusicSavesMyLife 13-15, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 3 Responses Nov 15

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    Emilia0659 Emilia0659 18-21, F 12 Responses Dec 8

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    RebeccaMontero RebeccaMontero 22-25, F 12 Responses Nov 22

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    i went to a psychiatrist today.

    he told me. i had a split personality and charged me 160 ?. i gave him 80?, and told to get the rest from the other *******.
    ESMatricX ESMatricX 18-21, M 2 Responses Dec 2

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    Next time someone says,

    "no offense" after insulting you, Beat the sh*t out of 'em and say, "no harm done".
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 28

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    I figure it's far better

    than being a dumbass!
    LikemYung LikemYung 31-35, M 5 Responses Aug 11

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    my mom comes home from work

    and goes and sits in the living room. me: "the dog threw up on the living room rug today" mom: "did you clean it up?" me: "is it still there?"
    Emilywojack Emilywojack 18-21, F 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 9 Responses Nov 25

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    I really wish I knew

    who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 5 Responses Jul 26

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday.

    He said "What's your name?" I said "I want my money back"
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 4 Responses Nov 6

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    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 4 Responses Sep 5

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    Tip: Learn the rules

    so you know how to break them properly.
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 4 Responses Sep 1

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    Disrespect Me, I'll Disrespect You i dont care

    about You or your Feelings Then
    briannabrib briannabrib 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 10

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    I always seem to be a smartass to everyone,

    if someone asks "what's up?" I reply with "the sky". Do you get me?
    QueenOfFire212 QueenOfFire212 26-30, F 39 Responses Sep 23

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    Every time I hear the word smartass

    or dumbass I can't help but think of Red Foreman from 'That 70's show'
    AlwaysBee AlwaysBee 18-21, F 1 Response Sep 7

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12

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    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

    "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 11

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    I used to work at a recycling plant.

    My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 1 Response Nov 8

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    I would much rather be a smart ***

    than a dumb *** or a kiss ***. lol
    regalshewolf regalshewolf 41-45, F 2 Responses Nov 26

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    fellow smartasses, what jokes/feelings

    if any does the name 'Lando' make you come up with? is it too weird?
    evynray evynray 18-21, F 3 Responses Nov 26

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    BlueGrande BlueGrande 18-21, F 1 Response Nov 23

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    "Doc, my kleptomania problem with small

    computer devices is getting way out of hand. What can I do?" "Keep taking the tablets."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 5 days ago

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    BakinBaker BakinBaker 18-21, F Dec 2

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    irreelevance irreelevance 16-17, F 4 Responses Nov 24

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    Just got a message from ep suggesting one

    or more of my experiences has been flagged as adult. I immediately started thinking of smartass responses to this... Though I have decided against ******* on the gods of ep as I have made some pretty cool friends... But seriously, *insert smartass responses here*
    lonelybrandi lonelybrandi 22-25, F 11 Responses Nov 7

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    I asked God for a bike,

    but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 5 Responses Jun 13

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 6 Responses Nov 26

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    School Security: Do you have anything illegal

    in your back pack? Me: Yeah. My mobile meth lab. Security: What? Me; I'm the schools meth dealer sorry Security: *opens back pack, finds 3 bags of brownies*
    painseeker16 painseeker16 18-21, F 6 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    I can be really sassy I like to get my way one

    way or another and I tend to be alittle but if a trouble maker and sometimes I'm alittle disobedient ;)
    sexydaughter16 sexydaughter16 22-25, F 3 Responses Dec 8

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    Look officer I'm not begin a smartass,

    Just saying if you caught me then you were speeding too
    SairaE SairaE 16-17, F 1 Response Oct 27

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    ...so anyway I heard

    that a new Star wars movie will be coming out next December. Now the rumour is that Lia, Solo and Luke will be in it played by the same original cast. Carrie Fisher Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill.......... ...will they be using walker pods?
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    I've been sacked from my job.

    Or as I prefer to think of it, I'm on eternity leave.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 51-55, T 2 Responses Nov 21

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