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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 53,679 People

    Look officer I'm not begin a smartass,

    Just saying if you caught me then you were speeding too
    SairaE SairaE 16-17, F 1 Response Oct 27, 2014

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    Sir could I interest you in taking your finger

    out of your nose and putting it back on the steering wheel?
    Gwall1234 Gwall1234 36-40, F 11 Responses May 7

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    I figure it's far better

    than being a dumbass!
    LikemYung LikemYung 31-35, M 6 Responses Aug 11, 2014

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    I have a relationship with my mother

    where we can be cheeky to each other. She has a good sense of humour though I am aware at times when I need to tone it down. My maternal grandmother was in the hospital, she had a room to herself with an adjoining bathroom. My mother was examining her face in the mirror then...
    MzOnceUponAtime MzOnceUponAtime 26-30, F 3 Responses Apr 20

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    A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener.

    The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T a week ago

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    I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help,

    shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 5 Responses Apr 6

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    Next time someone says,

    "no offense" after insulting you, Beat the sh*t out of 'em and say, "no harm done".
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    A shocking revelation!

    ! I considered it......long and hard, I recognize this news will undoubtedly alter the way my friends see me. A truth I can no longer hide! I am saddened by the torment such news will create.........it is simply unavoidable!
    Extant1 Extant1 51-55, M 9 Responses Apr 16

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    the funny thing about being a smart *** is

    when I am actually trying NOT to be one, and even say it, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A SMART *** ..... but usually what I say next sounds sarcastic, then they don't buy it ohh well....
    snoopymg snoopymg 36-40, F 5 Responses Apr 20

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    My girlfriend just asked me,

    "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Don't be stupid, it would take ages to get there on a Camel."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T Apr 17

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    Tip: Learn the rules

    so you know how to break them properly.
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 4 Responses Sep 1, 2014

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    The guy that wants to have sex with me just

    asked me to have sex I told him my Vagina was broken cuz I really don't wanna have sex with him
    ashleem111 ashleem111 18-21, F 2 Responses Apr 7

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    Just got a message from ep suggesting one

    or more of my experiences has been flagged as adult. I immediately started thinking of smartass responses to this... Though I have decided against ******* on the gods of ep as I have made some pretty cool friends... But seriously, *insert smartass responses here*
    lonelybrandi lonelybrandi 22-25, F 11 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    Clerk: "Did you find everything?

    " Me: "Good God, no! But I wasn't looking for everything."
    Giskard Giskard 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 5

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    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

    "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    being a smartass is a gift

    and a choice. .. being a dumbass is a curse and its terminal.
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 20

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    Mother: "say one more word

    and see what i do" Me: "one more word and see what i do" *moment of silence* Me: "what? You told me to say it."
    ForeverJashinist ForeverJashinist 18-21, M 4 Responses Apr 4

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    U try goin up with 3 brothers n see

    if u dont become sassy. Its not easy bein the youngest. I have sass contests w my friend lol
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses May 1

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    Ok my new job I am a cashier well yesterday I

    had an accident and cracked a bone in my left hand. Tonight at work a fellow cashier came over and told me that they where there to give me a break. Before even stopping to think how it would sound I just blurted out jeeze I already have one broken hand how many they think I...
    Cargan2016 Cargan2016 31-35, M Apr 7

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    littleshit04 littleshit04 16-17, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    Babygirlr77 Babygirlr77 36-40, F 22 Responses Jan 7

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    The wage of sin is death,

    but after taxes, it's mostly just a tired feeling.
    Giskard Giskard 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 7

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    RebeccaMontero RebeccaMontero 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 7 Responses Sep 12, 2014

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    When eye have had enough of my girlfriends

    crap/nagging what ever you wish to refer to it as. Eye walk into the bathroom while she taking a shower depending on my mood at the time,with either 1 of 3 things. A ice cold picture of water from thee fridge. A lukewarm one from the kitchen faucet. Or simply a empty one. Than...
    6multyperson 6multyperson 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 4

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    I firmly, personally,

    believe there are three sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth.
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses May 3

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    adianoeta adianoeta 26-30, F 28 Responses Apr 6

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    Got caned at school across my bum

    for misbehaviour my backside was on fire
    brentmalore brentmalore 31-35, M 3 Responses May 2

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    I used to work at a recycling plant.

    My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Nov 8, 2014

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    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    I always seem to be a smartass to everyone,

    if someone asks "what's up?" I reply with "the sky". Do you get me?
    QueenOfFire212 QueenOfFire212 31-35, F 37 Responses Sep 23, 2014

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 8 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Doctor: "We got your test results back.

    I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses May 7

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    I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I

    saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to get lost and buy my own.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses Apr 2

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    At my age, I don't take naps outdoors.

    People start breaking out the shovels.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 5 Responses Apr 20

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    I really wish I knew

    who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses Jul 26, 2014

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    After dinner, my wife told me she was expecting

    a baby. "You'd better go and open the door." I said. "They'll never reach the doorbell.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T Apr 10

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 7 Responses Nov 25, 2014

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    I'm having some vision trouble today.

    I can't see myself doing anything.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T May 5

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    So I just switched dentists

    and I LOVE this new dude! My last dentist a satist and the seen was like the movie SAW in his basement. But this new dentist must have gave me 20 "fantastics" in a 20 minute span. I feel like I just went to a great psychiatrist. I want to take him home! He can follow me around...
    LoveExplorer78 LoveExplorer78 36-40, M 2 Responses Apr 14

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 18 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    For those of you wondering how to distinguish

    "art" from "****": **** is color, and art is in black and white.
    budo30 budo30 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 30

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    MsInvis MsInvis 46-50, F 5 Responses May 5

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday.

    He said "What's your name?" I said "I want my money back"
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 3 Responses Nov 6, 2014

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