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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 56,773 People

    Someone asked me how they looked.

    I told them with their eyes.
    Euphoryana2 Euphoryana2 22-25, F 7 Responses 5 days ago

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    Its not that i'm being impolite

    or disobeying my parents. But seriously the older i get the stronger i have for my opinion. When my mom said "pass me that" I'm so confused that she yelled at me for passing the wrong item. I mean, couldn't she be more specific?
    sabrinabryn sabrinabryn 13-15, F 3 Responses Jun 6

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    celest1fiamma celest1fiamma 13-15, F 7 Responses Jun 19

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014

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    A friend of mine said onions are the only food

    that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream 22-25, F 7 Responses Jun 1

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 18 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    I mean how could a guy not right I mean **** da

    police **** em gotta love saying that am I right
    cameronbowers16 cameronbowers16 13-15 3 Responses Jun 19

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    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday.

    He said "What's your name?" I said "I want my money back"
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 3 Responses Nov 6, 2014

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    being a smartass is a gift

    and a choice. .. being a dumbass is a curse and its terminal.
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 2 Responses Feb 20

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    I realised that artificial intelligence is no

    match for natural stupidity.
    ganeshzemartian ganeshzemartian 16-17, M 3 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jun 16

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    Bn said we could drink.

    I thought you weren't supposed to drink before a PT test. Needless to say I ran my first drunk pt test
    dfish762 dfish762 22-25, M Jun 15

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    saintluci saintluci 31-35, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    I like to think so I love messing with m friends

    and getting on their nerves :)
    thatcurlyredhead77 thatcurlyredhead77 22-25, F 1 Response May 29

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    You know how your heart

    and stomach each has a mass of specialized nerve tissue that functions as kind of a tiny brain? My posterior actually has it's own separate cognitive center..
    SlightlyDaft SlightlyDaft 31-35, F 16 Responses Apr 4

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    Doctor: "We got your test results back.

    I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses May 7

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    Combining my Grammar Nazi

    and Smartass attitude is always a treat. If someone asks me " Can I use your bathroom"? or "Can I have a soda"? I look at them and ask, "I don't know, can you"?
    Writer1967 Writer1967 46-50, M 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    My mom: Why are your clothes on the floor?

    Me: Gravity mom. It works wonders. My Dad: May I see your phone? Me: *waves it in front of his face. My Dad: *glares at me* Me: What? You asked to see it, not to hold it.
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jun 5

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    people always say that I'm a smartass like all

    the time and I'm just like I can't help it .
    Vswagger Vswagger 13-15, M 2 Responses Jun 19

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    At my age, I don't take naps outdoors.

    People start breaking out the shovels.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 5 Responses Apr 20

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    I was in 8 or 9th grade

    and being Texas Panhandle we where having a Tornado Drill. In the middle of the drill some one some where else pulled a fire alarm handle. I was sitting in the hall by main office so the Principle was one watching the kids in my section. I sat up and asked does that mean you...
    Cargan2016 Cargan2016 31-35, M May 30

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 6 Responses Nov 25, 2014

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    husband is trying to watch a movie.

    Kids are being loud he's telling them be quiet I can't hear ****. I said if I put my butthole up to your ear you would.
    holehearted79 holehearted79 31-35, F 14 Responses Mar 27

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    Just got a message from ep suggesting one

    or more of my experiences has been flagged as adult. I immediately started thinking of smartass responses to this... Though I have decided against ******* on the gods of ep as I have made some pretty cool friends... But seriously, *insert smartass responses here*
    lonelybrandi lonelybrandi 22-25, F 11 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    People: "Your daughter's

    so pretty. What's she mixed with?" Me: "Her mother and father."
    lildiva89 lildiva89 26-30, F 4 Responses May 31

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    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Jan 11

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    Almostanonymous Almostanonymous 22-25, M May 29

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    Giskard Giskard 41-45, M 4 Responses May 28

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    I was talking to some (English) guy at work

    today, who kindly informed me that Welsh is backwards, insisting that every other language in the world would say “school bus” in that order, except for Welsh, which orders it as “bus school” (except it actually makes sense in Welsh). I kindly threw something at him (a...
    Tinboxdoll Tinboxdoll 36-40, F 5 Responses 6 days ago

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    Some creepy dude on Facebook asked

    if he could see my boobs, so I sent him a picture of Drake and Josh...
    frenchfries1234 frenchfries1234 13-15, F 8 Responses 5 days ago

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    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 2 Responses May 29

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    Next time someone says,

    "no offense" after insulting you, Beat the sh*t out of 'em and say, "no harm done".
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    I used to work at a recycling plant.

    My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Nov 8, 2014

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    Babygirlr77 Babygirlr77 36-40, F 21 Responses Jan 7

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 8 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    This kid is going places

    and he's just 6. 
    dude976 dude976 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    I think I speak for everyone

    when I say I have multiple personality disorder.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Jun 20

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    I'm such a know at all

    that I actually notice...but like hell I care!
    115Master 115Master 22-25, M May 29

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    Stepmom: Wash the dishes.

    Me: If you want them done, do them yourself.
    DreamWarriorBlake DreamWarriorBlake 22-25, M 16 Responses a week ago

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    Someone asked me to send a photo of something

    in one of my orifices... I knew exactly what he wanted, but I sent him a picture of me with a taco in my mouth.
    EnigmaticMystery EnigmaticMystery 26-30, F 42 Responses 6 days ago

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    Emilia0659 Emilia0659 18-21, F 14 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    A teacher said at one end there is an idiot

    and pointed at me I got detention for asking which end
    Livinshadows Livinshadows 13-15, F May 29

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    Euphoryana2 Euphoryana2 22-25, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    I'm not thin; I have a high surface area to

    volume ratio. This allows me to better adapt to hotter temperatures despite the fact that, oddly enough, I prefer colder weather.
    MeadowLark4 MeadowLark4 18-21 1 Response Jun 10