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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 51,259 People

    I dunno why I be like this.

    I guess I see words as a battlefield, taking any shot I can. Battle and glory and stuff. Sometimes I miss and completely cause something unwanted, or I nail the perfect bullet to end this terrible war that is human nature.
    Dan333350 Dan333350 16-17, M Mar 16

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    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Jan 11

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    I really wish I knew

    who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses Jul 26, 2014

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    Earthlostangel Earthlostangel 46-50, F 2 Responses Mar 22

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    Relationships are a lot like algebra.

    .. Ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Jul 30, 2014

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    You know how your heart

    and stomach each has a mass of specialized nerve tissue that functions as kind of a tiny brain? My posterior actually has it's own separate cognitive center..
    SlightlyDaft SlightlyDaft 31-35, F 18 Responses Apr 4

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    Tip: Learn the rules

    so you know how to break them properly.
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 4 Responses Sep 1, 2014

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    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 7 Responses Sep 12, 2014

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    being a smartass is a gift

    and a choice. .. being a dumbass is a curse and its terminal.
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 20

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    As I like to say: Person

    after I make a joke or smartass comment: "You're a smartass." Me: "Yup. Better than being a dumbass."
    dgrantmhs dgrantmhs 31-35, M 2 Responses Mar 16

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    I hate when people call me antisocial.

    I always say I'm not antisocial I'm selectively social. There's a difference.
    MsBright MsBright 13-15, F 6 Responses Mar 16

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday.

    He said "What's your name?" I said "I want my money back"
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 3 Responses Nov 6, 2014

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    The wage of sin is death,

    but after taxes, it's mostly just a tired feeling.
    Giskard Giskard 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 7

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 8 Responses Nov 25, 2014

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    The guy that wants to have sex with me just

    asked me to have sex I told him my Vagina was broken cuz I really don't wanna have sex with him
    ashleem111 ashleem111 18-21, F 1 Response Apr 7

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    Mother: "say one more word

    and see what i do" Me: "one more word and see what i do" *moment of silence* Me: "what? You told me to say it."
    ForeverJashinist ForeverJashinist 18-21, M 4 Responses Apr 4

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    adianoeta adianoeta 26-30, F 29 Responses Apr 6

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    Disrespect Me, I'll Disrespect You i dont care

    about You or your Feelings Then
    briannabrib briannabrib 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 10, 2014

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    I used to work at a recycling plant.

    My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Nov 8, 2014

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    Just got a message from ep suggesting one

    or more of my experiences has been flagged as adult. I immediately started thinking of smartass responses to this... Though I have decided against ******* on the gods of ep as I have made some pretty cool friends... But seriously, *insert smartass responses here*
    lonelybrandi lonelybrandi 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 8 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    Im not saying I'm old

    and worn out, but I do make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Mar 29

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    They say I act like I don't give a ****.

    I tell them I'm not acting. ;)
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 5 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    Look officer I'm not begin a smartass,

    Just saying if you caught me then you were speeding too
    SairaE SairaE 16-17, F 1 Response Oct 27, 2014

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    Ok my new job I am a cashier well yesterday I

    had an accident and cracked a bone in my left hand. Tonight at work a fellow cashier came over and told me that they where there to give me a break. Before even stopping to think how it would sound I just blurted out jeeze I already have one broken hand how many they think I...
    Cargan2016 Cargan2016 31-35, M Apr 7

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    saintluci saintluci 31-35, F 12 Responses Jan 12

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    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    When eye have had enough of my girlfriends

    crap/nagging what ever you wish to refer to it as. Eye walk into the bathroom while she taking a shower depending on my mood at the time,with either 1 of 3 things. A ice cold picture of water from thee fridge. A lukewarm one from the kitchen faucet. Or simply a empty one. Than...
    6multyperson 6multyperson 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 4

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    http://youtu.be/Spy0AX5JUfM All

    because the lady loves Cadburys and the drummer 😘
    Heartbroken46 Heartbroken46 41-45, F Mar 20

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 19 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    Yeah cuz some people are ******* idiots were

    it's Just funny ******* with them
    caiseyi caiseyi 22-25, F 3 Responses Mar 29

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    I'm not nosy I'm curious!

    Why can't people see that!!
    fandomgirl19946 fandomgirl19946 13-15, F 4 Responses Mar 17

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    My girlfriend just asked me,

    "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Don't be stupid, it would take ages to get there on a Camel."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 2 days ago

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    Heartbroken46 Heartbroken46 41-45, F 3 Responses Mar 20

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    For those of you wondering how to distinguish

    "art" from "****": **** is color, and art is in black and white.
    budo30 budo30 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 30

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014

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    I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help,

    shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 5 Responses Apr 6

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    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 2 Responses Nov 15, 2014

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    After dinner, my wife told me she was expecting

    a baby. "You'd better go and open the door." I said. "They'll never reach the doorbell.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T Apr 10

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    Clerk: "Did you find everything?

    " Me: "Good God, no! But I wasn't looking for everything."
    Giskard Giskard 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 5

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    So I just switched dentists

    and I LOVE this new dude! My last dentist a satist and the seen was like the movie SAW in his basement. But this new dentist must have gave me 20 "fantastics" in a 20 minute span. I feel like I just went to a great psychiatrist. I want to take him home! He can follow me around...
    LoveExplorer78 LoveExplorer78 36-40, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

    "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    TCL009 TCL009 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    Babygirlr77 Babygirlr77 36-40, F 24 Responses Jan 7

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    Emilia0659 Emilia0659 18-21, F 15 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 2 Responses Mar 27

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