I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 70,521 People

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    Most people are buried in suits

    and stuff so if a zombie apocalypse happens, it would be a formal event.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    9 Responses Jan 24
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Feb 26

    Had an argument with my son this morning,

    told him about something he said "You're lying".. Boy looks at me and says "Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause"... and walked away like a boss.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    6 Responses Mar 20

    I just told my sister

    that I wanted to tell her a secret. It was that I'm an ******* when I drink. She told me it's not a secret. And that it isn't just when I drink.
    PraiseBeToYevon PraiseBeToYevon
    31-35, F
    8 Responses Dec 8, 2015

    Those 13-15 year old girls here talking about

    "I need a man who..." No, you just need to do your homework.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    18 Responses Mar 17
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    Mar 22

    better being a smartass

    than a dumb ***
    Canuck86 Canuck86
    31-35, M
    2 Responses Apr 7

    Everyone can be a smart ***

    but mine is the smartest because I am the laundry lady and I launder my *** daily
    YourDirtyLaundry YourDirtyLaundry
    26-30, F
    2 Responses Mar 20

    Every day can be Friday

    if you're really irresponsible.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    7 Responses Jan 24
    Antivist0 Antivist0
    18-21, F
    6 Responses Sep 6, 2015

    smart *** song I am a smart true blue I am a

    smartass how about you ? smart *** make your life worth living smart *** help relief the stress that life gives you. I am a proud smart *** because when I was a dumb *** I got in trouble.
    nostalkerswelcome nostalkerswelcome
    26-30
    1 Response Mar 29

    Every girl wants a guy who's a polite ****.

    .. someone to hold the door open for her, but still smack that *** when she walks in.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    7 Responses Feb 15

    It always makes me a little nervous

    when people ask what my hobbies are... I mean what do they expect? I'm a mom. I enjoy trips to the bathroom alone, naps and silence.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    9 Responses Feb 10

    How do I like my eggs?

    Umm, in a cake.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    7 Responses Feb 27

    I find it ironic how the colors red,

    white and blue are the colors of freedom... until they're flashing behind you...
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Mar 20

    Why are there no good side effects?

    Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle that says 'may cause extreme sexiness'
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    9 Responses Mar 19
    celest1fiamma celest1fiamma
    13-15, F
    7 Responses Jun 19, 2015

    If you're going to be a smartass,

    first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ***.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    9 Responses Aug 24, 2015

    Math: the only place

    where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    2 Responses Mar 21

    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    15 Responses Jan 7, 2015

    Sometimes life will **** you

    and you'll just have to change position and enjoy it somehow.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    18 Responses Feb 29

    Do you think regular dogs see police dogs

    and think... Oh ****! it's the cops!
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    8 Responses Mar 23

    Homeless person comes into store

    and when asked to leave the property because harassing customers he replied you can not tell me what to do I am GOD and I rule everything. My first thought that I almost blurted out was really your god can you demonstrate some of those divine powers and disapear
    Cargan2016 Cargan2016
    31-35, M
    Mar 20

    I know EP is closing,

    and I just have one thing to say, "Onward, Buttercup! There's F***ery to spread!
    ZenLioNESS719 ZenLioNESS719
    46-50, F
    12 Responses Mar 30

    Someone asked me to send a photo of something

    in one of my orifices... I knew exactly what he wanted, but I sent him a picture of me with a taco in my mouth.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    19 Responses Jun 25, 2015

    Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can

    change and wine to accept the things I can't.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    1 Response Mar 19

    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll
    46-50, F
    9 Responses Dec 31, 2014

    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll
    46-50, F
    13 Responses Nov 30, 2014

    Naughty humor....Please excuse me

    while I light my house on fire... 
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    Mar 20
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    Apr 14
    youngadult25 youngadult25
    22-25, F
    1 Response Mar 21
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    4 Responses Feb 15

    Drunk people, children

    and yoga pants always tell the truth.
    ricki2012 ricki2012
    56-60, T
    1 Response Mar 28

    'Awesome' ends in 'Me'.

    ... Coincidence? I think not.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    1 Response Mar 22

    ok so ep welcoming letter says This is a fun

    and safe place for you to express the real you without worrying about people passing judgement yet remove our post so would that not make the report button a judgement by removing a post about puppies life experiences then would that not mean they are preventing you from...
    nostalkerswelcome nostalkerswelcome
    26-30
    2 Responses Mar 29

    My phone just fell down a flight of stairs,

    but it's ok, ...........it was in my pocket.
    ricki2012 ricki2012
    56-60, T
    2 Responses Mar 27

    I punched someone in the face.

    Felt guilty. But then I laughed. Am i bad
    darknetobsession200 darknetobsession200
    13-15, F
    2 Responses Mar 31

    Next time someone asks

    if you have a sec, tell them "Actually, I have lots of secs". And they will forget what they wanted to ask.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    1 Response Mar 20

    Mama tried to raise a lady,

    but daddy won. He raised a lady who doesn't take **** from anyone.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    2 Responses Feb 14

    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Jan 11, 2015

    husband is trying to watch a movie.

    Kids are being loud he's telling them be quiet I can't hear ****. I said if I put my butthole up to your ear you would.
    WhisperingEchoes WhisperingEchoes
    36-40, F
    8 Responses Mar 27, 2015
    nostalkerswelcome nostalkerswelcome
    26-30
    Mar 29
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    1 Response Apr 6
    PrincessWorkout PrincessWorkout
    26-30, F
    Mar 21

    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream
    22-25, F
    9 Responses Nov 22, 2014

    The first term was a homosexual remark fa****

    that she horribly misspelled, then she called me the N word lol but I'm nonchalant. So here's how to handle ignorance ^^.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    13 Responses Jul 17, 2015

    Don't wear skinny jeans

    if you don't have skinny genes.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    4 Responses Mar 23
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    Mar 26

    Yup. And proud to be one,

    too. My smartassitude has pwned the bullies again & again, given me a world of lolz, and gotten my @rse in trouble, but it's worth it. What can I say? It's a way of life
    AsYetNameless AsYetNameless
    13-15, T
    1 Response Apr 15
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Mar 24

    If you'll climb down off your high horse,

    you won't fall off and break your ***.
    savoy2 savoy2
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Apr 6

    I like using big words

    that I don't fully understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    15 Responses Mar 14

    We have so much in common.

    You want to travel, I want you to go.
    Unine Unine
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Jan 24
    nostalkerswelcome nostalkerswelcome
    26-30
    Mar 29

    Some creepy dude on Facebook asked

    if he could see my boobs, so I sent him a picture of Drake and Josh...
    frenchfries1234 frenchfries1234
    13-15, F
    5 Responses Jun 26, 2015
    adianoeta adianoeta
    26-30, F
    23 Responses Apr 6, 2015

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    I want an actual person too that is smart/on par with me if can smarter so I could feel comfortable surrendering as a female smartass to a male smarties. So there won't be weird...
    vivianescrooge vivianescrooge
    22-25
    2 Responses Apr 9
    dont take me serious im silly and disconnected
    deleted deleted
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