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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 61,211 People

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    You know how your heart

    and stomach each has a mass of specialized nerve tissue that functions as kind of a tiny brain? My posterior actually has it's own separate cognitive center..
    SlightlyDaft SlightlyDaft 31-35, F 15 Responses Apr 4

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    Some creepy dude on Facebook asked

    if he could see my boobs, so I sent him a picture of Drake and Josh...
    frenchfries1234 frenchfries1234 13-15, F 6 Responses Jun 26

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    cashetty69 cashetty69 51-55, M Aug 22

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Jan 11

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    Uncle Voldy : Knock Knock Harry : Who is there?

    Uncle Voldy : You Know Harry : You Know Who? Uncle Voldy : EXACTLY!
    TehAkkiBoy TehAkkiBoy 18-21, M 3 Responses Aug 14

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    To err is human; but to blame it on someone

    else obviously makes you President of the United States.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    If you're going to be a smartass,

    first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ***.
    FeelingPeachy FeelingPeachy 18-21, F 6 Responses Aug 24

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014

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    I asked my friend online

    if I could get her opinion on something. She said "Text me it" so I sent her a text that said "it".
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response Aug 12

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    Do not argue with an idiot.

    He will drag you down and beat you with his experience.
    BonitaBelle BonitaBelle 31-35, F 6 Responses Aug 4

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    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

    "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    TheCunylinguist TheCunylinguist 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    husband is trying to watch a movie.

    Kids are being loud he's telling them be quiet I can't hear ****. I said if I put my butthole up to your ear you would.
    holehearted79 holehearted79 36-40, F 12 Responses Mar 27

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    Every 60 seconds in Africa,

    a minute passes. THANK YOU!
    TehAkkiBoy TehAkkiBoy 18-21, M 4 Responses Aug 11

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    I said to my wife, "It smells like Upsexy in

    here" She said, "What's Upsexy?" I said, "Nothing much" :)
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses Aug 23

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    *Talking to a friend* Teacher: Tj Me: Yes?

    Teacher: repeat what I just said Me: repeat what I just said
    CallmeTJ CallmeTJ 13-15, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Where do I begin? Sarcasm is the cornerstone of

    my existence. If I don't insult you playfully first thing in the morning, you aren't my friend.
    mm104127 mm104127 41-45, M 1 Response Aug 20

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    my niece told me her teacher said she needs 3

    books from the public library not the school library and I told her to say that her school is a public school so technically the library is a public library
    xoxolily xoxolily 18-21, F 5 Responses Aug 25

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    Much of my work day is spent staring out my

    window amazed at nature and day dreaming. There's a bird nest in the tree so I often wonder "If I could fly who would I **** on first?"
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Thinking before I speak?

    Lol a long process in the making but I can be such a smartass and most of the time there's no reason smh or because that person just opened the door for it but I'm working on it ppl!
    Clipz4her Clipz4her 26-30, F 2 Responses a week ago

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    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 2 Responses May 29

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    Energy saving tip: This winter

    if you're house is cold, instead of turning on the heat go stand in the corner. It's usually around 90 degrees.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    painterchick painterchick 36-40, F 9 Responses Jul 7

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    I got it from my dad

    and he got it from George Carlin and other comedians of his time.
    gish1893 gish1893 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    BAAH kids made me watch shrek tonight :-/ still

    a better lovestory than twilight
    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 4 Responses Jul 8

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    The first term was a homosexual remark fa****

    that she horribly misspelled, then she called me the N word lol but I'm nonchalant. So here's how to handle ignorance ^^.
    Forgottenwarrior777 Forgottenwarrior777 18-21, M 15 Responses Jul 17

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    msmichelle111 msmichelle111 22-25, F 17 Responses Aug 11

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 5 Responses Nov 25, 2014

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    Lost my watch at the club

    and saw a guy step on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to him and beat the crap out of him. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch :/
    TehAkkiBoy TehAkkiBoy 18-21, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    I love being sarcastic

    and I actually consider it a strength. it has come to my attention that a lot of people don't like it, especially when your 36 and it isn't 'cute' anymore. I'm sure that they've drawn some kind of crazy-line between age 35 & 36 that takes you from 'oh that's cute funny... ha...
    shadyshadow shadyshadow 36-40, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 18 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    Next time someone says,

    "no offense" after insulting you, Beat the sh*t out of 'em and say, "no harm done".
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 8 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    saintluci saintluci 31-35, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Shake it all you want

    but that Magic 8 Ball was right about you 99% of the time.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    Babygirlr77 Babygirlr77 36-40, F 20 Responses Jan 7

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    my sister always asks me what I'm eating.

    .. food, what does it look like?
    BillyBillion BillyBillion 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Selfies? Selfies? I grew up in a time when

    that meant something totally different and you didn't share it with anyone. My neck hurts just thinking about it. Ba Duh Bump!!
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    IPleadthe5th IPleadthe5th 41-45 9 Responses Aug 24

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    I'm having some vision trouble today.

    I can't see myself doing anything.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T May 5

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    I don't try to be but I'm honest

    and I speak my mind . My mouth is my biggest problem but honestly if you can't handle what I have to say then you shouldn't be talking to me . I am who I am .
    Alylovespuppies Alylovespuppies 18-21, F 7 Responses Aug 25

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    I asked God for a riding lawn mower

    but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole my elderly neighbors lawn mower then asked God for forgiveness.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Doctor: "We got your test results back.

    I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses May 7

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    Relatively speaking ant hills are just

    as big as pyramids and ants build them everyday. Humans need to get over themselves.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Yes, I am. Except I'm not a ***,

    I'm a frog. So, I'm a smart frog. There was no group for that, so I will go with a ***. Yes, I am very smart.
    Iamafrog1997 Iamafrog1997 16-17, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    I love music. Nothing beats a beautiful woman

    with a great singing voice? Except Chris Brown of course.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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