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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 68,652 People

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    It amazes me how much exercise

    and extra fries sound alike.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 1 Response Jan 31

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    I dig, you dig, we dig,

    he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    Most people are buried in suits

    and stuff so if a zombie apocalypse happens, it would be a formal event.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 11 Responses Jan 24

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    you don't like me? Wait hold

    that thought...I can't seem to find a **** to give...
    Madebyaspell Madebyaspell 13-15, F Feb 1

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    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 11 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    Better being a smartass

    than a dumb one
    RobertXavier19 RobertXavier19 18-21, M Feb 1

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    How to tell someone that their breath stinks

    without hurting their feelings: "Well, I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth!"
    Unine Unine 36-40, F Feb 1

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    If you show me you don't give a ****,

    I'll show you I'm better at it.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 1

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    Don't be easy to define.

    Let them wonder about you.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 1

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    Yeah. I have to admit

    that I am pretty much of a smart ***, but only with friends. I like to make puns, use double entendre and make wise cracks to respond to either my friends or to someone speaking on TV. Most people don't appreciate it except on the occasion that I happen to hit the nail right...
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jan 27

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    cher568o cher568o 31-35, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Do not argue with an idiot.

    He will drag you down and beat you with his experience.
    BonitaBelle BonitaBelle 31-35, F 6 Responses Aug 4, 2015

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    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Jan 11, 2015

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    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    You know how your heart

    and stomach each has a mass of specialized nerve tissue that functions as kind of a tiny brain? My posterior actually has it's own separate cognitive center..
    SlightlyDaft SlightlyDaft 31-35, F 15 Responses Apr 4, 2015

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    Some creepy dude on Facebook asked

    if he could see my boobs, so I sent him a picture of Drake and Josh...
    frenchfries1234 frenchfries1234 13-15, F 5 Responses Jun 26, 2015

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    I should change my voicemail greeting to:

    Please hang up and text me.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Doctor: "We got your test results back.

    I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 3 Responses May 7, 2015

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    Don't stress about your eyesight failing

    as you get older. It's natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 4 Responses Jan 29

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Jan 7, 2015

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    navywill navywill 18-21, M 6 Responses Feb 1

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    It only takes a second to show someone how you

    feel about them. The police call it "indecent exposure" but whatever...
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 8 Responses 4 days ago

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    We have so much in common.

    You want to travel, I want you to go.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 4 Responses Jan 24

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    I am now, have always been,

    and will always be a smartass. I got beat for it as a kid, and I see no reason I should stop now. I speak sarcasm as a second language.
    BookGrl BookGrl 41-45, F Feb 4

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    Sometimes I'll use big words

    that I don't fully understand in an afford to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
    MglMndt MglMndt 16-17, M 13 Responses Dec 6, 2015

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    Someone asked me to send a photo of something

    in one of my orifices... I knew exactly what he wanted, but I sent him a picture of me with a taco in my mouth.
    deleted deleted 26-30 24 Responses Jun 25, 2015

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    painterchick painterchick 36-40, F 8 Responses Jul 7, 2015

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    Have you ever loved someone

    so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 6 Responses Jan 29

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    FB keeps asking "what was your position at

    (former employer)?" I am tempted to put in Pawn.
    painterchick painterchick 36-40, F 9 Responses Dec 4, 2015

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 14 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    celest1fiamma celest1fiamma 13-15, F 7 Responses Jun 19, 2015

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    Unine Unine 36-40, F 1 Response Jan 27

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    I can't help it! My mom gets

    so mad at me when I made a sarcastic comment because she can't differentiate between being serious and joking around 🙄
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses Jan 27

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    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses Jan 27

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    husband is trying to watch a movie.

    Kids are being loud he's telling them be quiet I can't hear ****. I said if I put my butthole up to your ear you would.
    WhisperingEchoes WhisperingEchoes 36-40, F 11 Responses Mar 27, 2015

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    I don't sugarcoat ****,

    I'm not Willy Wonka.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014

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    Go ahead, make my day.

    ..and show me your boobs.
    savoy2 savoy2 46-50, M 1 Response Jan 27

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    Unine Unine 36-40, F 1 Response Feb 1

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    Antivist0 Antivist0 18-21, F 8 Responses Sep 6, 2015

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    I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone

    when you called. I don't use it for that.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 5 Responses Jan 27

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    saintluci saintluci 31-35, F 10 Responses Jan 12, 2015

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