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I Am a Smartass

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 58,846 People

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    Combining my Grammar Nazi

    and Smartass attitude is always a treat. If someone asks me " Can I use your bathroom"? or "Can I have a soda"? I look at them and ask, "I don't know, can you"?
    Writer1967 Writer1967 46-50, M 5 Responses Jun 26

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    Anaaaaa345 Anaaaaa345 18-21, F 8 Responses Jul 15

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    BAAH kids made me watch shrek tonight :-/ still

    a better lovestory than twilight
    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 5 Responses Jul 8

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    I know I have a cute

    but because after talking to 2 girls I turned around to leave and I overheard one of them say what an ***!!!:}
    2ltrpeter 2ltrpeter 41-45, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    my husband was climbing a ladder,

    and I'm shot scared of heights so, I always knew he was crazy, but now.... i could could just see hes' nuts
    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 7

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    You're looking for hot chicks?

    Well why don't you go to a restaurant and order some chicken?
    PinksTheNewBlack PinksTheNewBlack 13-15, F 8 Responses Jul 11

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    Ok I work as cashier

    for a grocery store now and 2-3 days ago they put a new brand of water in cooler by register. The label for this water says it is oxygen enriched water. My first comment when I saw this was does that make the water HO3?
    Cargan2016 Cargan2016 31-35, M 4 Responses Jul 11

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    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

    "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    TheCunylinguist TheCunylinguist 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    And so is my daughter.

    ..... Tonight, as I pull into the drive, I notice the amount of snow on the driveway and walkway. I said to my girl, sitting beside me in the truck, "I want you to shovel the driveway again." She raises her eyebrow, sighs and says, "Yeah.....and I want a horse." as her mouth...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 5 Responses Nov 25, 2014

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    I try not to be actually

    but lots of times i say things sarcastically and they come out wrong. Sometimes its to try to be funny, but other times it just gets me in hot water.
    trish95 trish95 18-21, F 3 Responses Jul 18

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    Sean Connery came to my house

    when we were putting on a roof......he heard there 100's of shingles to be nailed.
    justusandyou justusandyou 31-35, M 2 Responses Jul 15

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    celest1fiamma celest1fiamma 13-15, F 8 Responses Jun 19

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    id rather be a smart ***

    than a dumb ***
    Multicolour12 Multicolour12 22-25, F 4 Responses Jul 19

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    I was just given a free egg mcmuffin.

    I'm not sure if I should be grateful or insulted.
    manchild81 manchild81 26-30, M 1 Response Jul 11

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    I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey,

    but I got it turned around.
    justusandyou justusandyou 31-35, M 4 Responses Jul 6

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    adianoeta adianoeta 26-30, F 27 Responses Apr 6

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    People said I'd never get over my obsession

    with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 6 Responses Jul 6

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    When you hear a doctor ask a patient: "does

    your heart beat regularly?" And the patient replies: "no, it stops after 8pm. Mine's just lazy like that." Hahahaha oh my god.
    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    Humanity is losing its geniuses.

    Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died, and I'm not feeling well today...
    BeautifulDayDream BeautifulDayDream 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    http://youtu.be/ktjx8umlaOI Cocco Alcon love .

    . Intellectual Boys Listen to the lyrics Luv a smart sexy funny man!
    DeliciouslyFoolish DeliciouslyFoolish 46-50, F 2 days ago

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    I have a smart *** mouth ,

    someone needs to fix that.
    lydiabbyy lydiabbyy 18-21, F 14 Responses Jul 2

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    At my age, I don't take naps outdoors.

    People start breaking out the shovels.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 4 Responses Apr 20

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    I say Smartass things all the time.

    If you are my friend, you have to put up with snide comments and actions. I don't like people who do things in class just to get attention. I don't like watching other people being bullied, especially by someone I dislike. Usually if I see this going on, my response to the...
    AnyExperience AnyExperience 13-15, F 4 days ago

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    i don't need any jokes.

    but i do appreciate the ascerbic, sarcasm ...
    jakafya jakafya 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 18

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    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 2 Responses May 29

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    Some creepy dude on Facebook asked

    if he could see my boobs, so I sent him a picture of Drake and Josh...
    frenchfries1234 frenchfries1234 13-15, F 7 Responses Jun 26

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    My daughter kills me.

    ..... She had a Social test in school.....one of the questions she didn't know the answer to. She wrote down 'Jesus' and put beside it (Jesus is always the answer) She didn't even get half a point!!!
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 18 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    husband is trying to watch a movie.

    Kids are being loud he's telling them be quiet I can't hear ****. I said if I put my butthole up to your ear you would.
    holehearted79 holehearted79 31-35, F 12 Responses Mar 27

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    Ok, so I know I've talked about my daughter

    before, and about how she is quite a smartass (like her mother haha) but this little story truly shows who is the smartass-iest between the two of us: It's the Christmas season, and we are in the mall (West Edmonton Mall, for those in the know) She and I are walking past the...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    you cant win with me,

    even when im wrong IM RIGHT!
    miimii0069 miimii0069 26-30, F 3 Responses Jul 19

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    Just got a message from ep suggesting one

    or more of my experiences has been flagged as adult. I immediately started thinking of smartass responses to this... Though I have decided against ******* on the gods of ep as I have made some pretty cool friends... But seriously, *insert smartass responses here*
    lonelybrandi lonelybrandi 22-25, F 12 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    Next time someone says,

    "no offense" after insulting you, Beat the sh*t out of 'em and say, "no harm done".
    texan75 texan75 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    That awkward moment when your sarcasm is

    so good, people actually think you're stupid..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Jan 11

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    I used to work at a recycling plant.

    My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Nov 8, 2014

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday.

    He said "What's your name?" I said "I want my money back"
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 3 Responses Nov 6, 2014

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    being a smartass is a gift

    and a choice. .. being a dumbass is a curse and its terminal.
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 2 Responses Feb 20

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    Someone asked me how they looked.

    I told them with their eyes.
    Euphoryana2 Euphoryana2 22-25, F 7 Responses Jun 25

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    man walks into a psychiatrist office naked,

    wrapped in saran wrap. Shrink says, "I clearly see, you're nuts!"
    justusandyou justusandyou 31-35, M Jul 8

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    I realised that artificial intelligence is no

    match for natural stupidity.
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jun 30

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    Someone asked me to send a photo of something

    in one of my orifices... I knew exactly what he wanted, but I sent him a picture of me with a taco in my mouth.
    EnigmaticMystery EnigmaticMystery 26-30, F 35 Responses Jun 25

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    I'm not a big fan of shopping centers.

    Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
    ricki2012 ricki2012 56-60, T 1 Response Jul 9

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    When life gives you lemons,

    buy some vodka and have a party!
    Babygirlr77 Babygirlr77 36-40, F 20 Responses Jan 7

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    The first term was a homosexual remark fa****

    that she horribly misspelled, then she called me the N word lol but I'm nonchalant. So here's how to handle ignorance ^^.
    Forgottenwarrior777 Forgottenwarrior777 18-21, M 18 Responses Jul 17

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    I'm a teacher and a pharmacist looking

    for smart people to talk to!
    itsjakedam2 itsjakedam2 22-25, M 5 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    HOLY COOKIES. I GOT THE HIGHEST SCIENCE SCORE

    IN MY YEAR WITH 93% :D **** yeah! xD
    AmIKawaiiYetSenpai AmIKawaiiYetSenpai 13-15, F 8 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    saintluci saintluci 31-35, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    MyGuardianAngel MyGuardianAngel 22-25, F 7 Responses Nov 12, 2014