I Am a Stepmother Forum & Chat Board | The 3rd Wheel

I am marrying the man of my dreams and he comes with a 5 year old. A 5 year old who undermines me, doesn't acknowledge me, and I'm sure just wishes that sometimes I wasn't here. But I do not intend to go anywhere, regardless of how bratty she is, and how she treats me - I'm in it for the long haul.
I just have such a hard time adjusting to this new life... my fiance seems to expect us to be best buds already but he just doesn't see how much of an adjustment this is for me and probably her. Before him, I never had any intention on having children and now I have a 5 year old. 
I constantly have the feeling of  being the 3rd wheel, I know they have a bond already (duh, he's her father), but can't seem to feel always left out. I get tired of always being the one to say "hi" or "goodbye" or just simply be acknowledged when I walk into a room or when we drop her off at her mothers but I try not to, due to her age - however- sometimes i just have to sneak off to the bathroom and cry just to deal... help.. any advice would be helpful! 

 

I have been married 6 months to a man with a six year old daughter, and sometimes I think it is harder because she is a girl. I think we argue about things that we wouldn't if we were not both emotional beings. I think you just have to remember that it isn't personal. She wants her fathers attention, and it isn't that she doesn't like you but at this point she may feel that letting you in is dissing her mother. Just remember it is about her parents, and her negative effects on you are unfortunate collateral damage, but not intentional.

 

The 'in your face' feeling of '3rd wheel' takes a long time to diminish. I don't think it will ever disappear but it can be something that is livable and will not take front seat in your psyche. The more fun and positive memories you share as a trio will help create your own unique family bond. The 'external' to bio feeling you have will never go away but it can be something you can accept.
Here are some things that will help diminish the 3rd wheel feeling over time (years):

Be Invited: Ask your partner to include you in things like doing at home activities. For example if they are doing a puzzle and he notices you are not doing it with them he should say "want to join us"? Being invited by my partner was important when I felt like the 3rd wheel at times. Also it is important to give the girl her daddy time. Ask you man to 'over-communicate' in including you when appropriate. I felt as though I needed to be 'invited' for randomly banal things for quite some time.

Get Respect: It is concerning that she treats you with disrespect. I hope that the dad holds his daughter accountable to be respectful to you (he should require she responds to a 'hi' or 'goodbye'). If he doesn't you need to discuss this with him so he holds his daughter accountable. If he doesn't support or enforce simple respect your issue is more with him than with her. You also need to set boundaries for yourself requiring respect. This doesn't mean you need to be mean when you communicate - just be gentle but firm. For example, "I'm sorry but I can't get you x or do x when you speak to me that way. Can you try again?" If she says 'no' or throws a fit then just say "I'm sorry I can't help out right now." If Daddy is present he should support your request for respect and not just do his girl's bidding if she turns to him. You need his backing of respect for things to work. She will try these boundaries and you two need to be united.

Show Love & Interest: What is key? Cultivating and working at a relationship with this girl. Yes it hurts when she doesn't say 'hi', sit in your lap, give you running hugs, etc. However, that is why you are the adult and you need to build the bridge to her. You chose to be in her life. She didn't choose you. You just appeared one day and you take up Dad's time! (This, however does not justify rude behavior.) Make it safe and loving for her to bond with you in her own way. Go out of your way to show love to and include her. Hug her. Let her know she’s special – tell her you love her (if you do). Offer to read stories or color with her. Example: I say "I love you" to my stepson every night he's with us and I hear it back from him about 1 or maybe 2x per year (we have 50/50 custody so I see him a lot). He is 10. I've known him since 5 yrs old. He isn't an expressive kid - but I hear him say it to his dad lots more (obviously). However, when he does say it - I glow inside. Give love when you don't get it back. Keep giving. Turn to your partner for support. Will this be hard at times? Tiring? Yes. However, you are investing in your family and in your future.

One thing you can't do is just dig your feet in and say 'I'm not going anywhere' and 'put up with it' if you want things to change for the better. The girl will pick up on the negative or passive energy which won't endear her to you. I’m confident this approach will eventually strain your relationship with your fiancé. This method is also emotionally tiring (i.e. bathroom breakdowns) and isn't realistically sustainable for the long haul if you want to be happy in your marriage. You aren't just marrying your man. You are marrying your man and his daughter - both require love and commitment for a blended family to work.    

 

At least you are involved.  I have been living with my partner for 3 years now and his family don't even want to make the effort to get to know me.  His daughter is 16 and his parents are in their 70's and 80's and I have never met any of them.  He says he is happy with me and told his family that and asked them to meet me but they refuse to.  He says I shouldn't let it get to me but I do.  I have step parents on both sides of my family (ie stepmum and a stepdad) and was introduced to them both.  I was not initially accepting of my stepmum but came round to the idea in a lot less than three years.  I have spoken to my dad about it and he finds it strange that my partner hasn't been more forceful in introducing me and involving me with his family.  Because I am not involved with them, we often make plans which then get dropped so he can run about after his family and he can't understand why I feel isolated and like a stranger looking on.
Every time I try to talk to him about it he just says he can't make them accept me.  Has anyone got any advice or help on this.

 

The "I'm not going anywhere" approach hasn't worked for me. I am 3 years into a blend of my 2 kids and his 2 kids every other weekend. His ex and kids hate me. Why? Anyone's guess. I spend every other weekend in bed or the shower crying. I can't spend time with my own kids on the one weekend I have with mine because of his ex drama or resulting child behavior. My daughter wants to call my bf 'dad' and his children tell mine that I am mean and call their mother names (she has told the every word from c-f.) I cry and cry. I always feel like 2nd choice. I always feel left out and unwanted or used. I often feel like the biggest mistake I ever made was moving in with a man after divorcing with small children involved. I loved him, the man of MY dreams. And now i live bi-weekly waiting for the ax to drop. It is not a fun life. It is a life of seeing what you will never have. You have to watch the man you love bond with others and have bonds with others that don't show the same love you show. I hurts, unimaginably. Not seeing at the time that my daughter has now spent more time with bf than with her own father. I realize I have caused my children confusion and harm when my intention was to give them a better life. Often times our own happiness as adults impedes our clear vision of the future. I can not handle his ex or his 2 problem children and my own children now view his as their father. Please anyone who can help me.. I am teaching out to anyone who has been here. Please help me.My mood: