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I Am a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,613 People

    Feeling Uncertain

    I've been through a lot of abuse in my life...verbal,physical, emotional,sexual..i don't really talk about it. I'm afraid if i do the people will look at me differently. I'm always smiling and staying positive and strong to help others..i'm so scared that if i tell people the...
    somethingspecial1 somethingspecial1 22-25, F 8 Responses Aug 24, 2012

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    I was sleeping, out cold.

    My mum came in my room to attend to my little brother and let the dog in with her. My dog started to lick my hand and I heard rustling from my mum. I awoke and instantly thought it my abuser coming back again. I shot up in fear and out of breath. Just about started to cry, but...
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 2 Responses Jul 30

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    I'll Do Anything To Forget It.

    I'll do anything to forget the memories and feelings. Ive tried everything. Every bloody thing. I read that only way to get over it is to keep talking about it. I read that the more we talk, the more it loses its impact from our lives. So I started typing and talking about it...
    TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning 18-21, F 4 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    I still think about it sometimes -

    and although I do, it doesn't mean I am not over it. I survived. It stayed with me but I survived. :)
    EmmaBrun EmmaBrun 13-15, F 2 Responses Jun 28

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    Haven't written about it in a while,

    so I guess I should again. To this day no one knows who took away my innocents except for him and some of my family. One person outside of my family almost knows, but not names or seen him or anything like that. I can't bring myself to say his name out loud like that and I don...
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 9

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    I was molested four times by my friends dad.

    Two people know. I never reported him. I don't want to. My decision. Please respect it.
    naturalnobody naturalnobody 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 28

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    I woke up in a panic from my alarm

    because I haven't used one in a while and when I looked up I thought I saw a man standing in my room again :/ It was my blanket that is hanging up, but damn my heart was racing and I was completely terrified
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 3

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    My dad started abusing me around 9.

    I never want to have sex. It's not something I ever want to experience with someone. How can I ever have a relationship that's more than friendship? My parents keep saying they want grandkids and making comments about me getting married. I'm 26 and never been on a date. I'm...
    wanderinggrl wanderinggrl 26-30, T 3 Responses Aug 24

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    I Don't Know Whats Worse..

    I don't know whats worse...remembering or not remembering. I kept these secrets locked away in my mind for to long and now  they've returned to me in bits and pieces. With flashes of hands and heavy breaths. With words of a father saying "this is how daddy's show their love" and...
    silverstar415850 silverstar415850 18-21, F 7 Responses Dec 19, 2011

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    The abuse started when I was

    so young, three maybe four. I stopped it when I was 12 and things became really bad, he never touched me again but began mentally abusing and controlling me. It took me a while but I realised he was the weak one. I stopped him and was no longer the victim.
    lsdcn lsdcn 41-45, F Jun 13

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    I feel like it's better to talk about it.

    Please someone message me so we can talk about it
    mparker7789 mparker7789 22-25, M 3 Responses Sep 13

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    Touch Of Healing

    :: Dedicated to my Angel :: Many survivors are not so lucky to get the "priceless" feeling, what I call 'Touch of healing', but I was lucky enough to experience it a few times. He was the only person whom I told the whole 'story'. I don't know what made me speak in front of him...
    TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 1, 2013

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    Whatever You Do, Don't Tell Anyone--you'll Ruin His Family...

    Those were the words my parents used to help me "deal" with Mr. Klomen, the Head of the Upper School, who after weeks of inappropriate touching, finally went to the next level destroying the trust and admiration I felt for him, crossing all boundaries and throwing me into a...
    light62 light62 46-50, F 5 Responses Oct 24, 2012

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    The woman who gave me life was a pedo magnet

    One boyfriend after another, a parade of deviant malcontents With their eyes trained on the little one and not on her When the heavy foot steps weight the wooden floor in light even steps that crept to my door I slip fully clothed from my bed, into the dark, into the quiet...
    khewster khewster 31-35, F Oct 9

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    My Life In Pretence

    I don't like talking about it. For the most part of my life, I pretended it was all a dream, a nightmare, something so hazy that it fades in the background and pretend it didn't happen to me. But I couldn't carry on pretending any longer. Not when I try to have a serious...
    hoping2live hoping2live 22-25, F 20 Responses Oct 7, 2010

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    After I was molested I hid my pain ,

    I buried it. I moved on. I have a boyfriend but I realized I focus on him on making him happy sexually and emotionally. I used to talk about me so much. We used to have real conversations. We used to be friends and all that was ruined the last time my molester touched me.
    naturalnobody naturalnobody 18-21, F Jun 28

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    Dark

    It all so dark. My room and my walls. My heart is pounding. It's beating is a noise. I'm still. Like a corpse. But my eyes are opened. And I'm seeing the dark. I can see through the dark. Feeling it all around me, covering me. Like a black ink. Comforting me. It's like a cover, a...
    TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

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    I'm currently sitting in a room with his baby

    and girlfriend. I hate this and want out. They probable have no clue about anything. No one knows my pain I'm in right now. I hate this.
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 1 Response Aug 10

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    Survivor Huh? Yeah...but Maybe Thts Not The Right Term.

    I hate bastards who abuse children!! Every time I read about something like that, I get a lot of mixed feelings, some of them twisted raging anger, and relief because I am not alone, a sense of belonging or something...relating to someone...but its all bitterness, scared fear, I...
    hoping2live hoping2live 22-25, F 5 Responses Nov 9, 2010

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    I went through some things

    as a child (and again as a teen) what were by no means as bad as what has happened to some people, but was totally against my will and horrified me to the point that I have huge trust issues. The biggest problem (aside from my residual fear) is that I spent the last 14 years...
    LastBusHome LastBusHome 22-25, F 2 Responses Jun 1

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    I just want to of one night without nightmares.

    ..is that so hard to ask for?
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 4 Responses Jun 7

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    I feel like I have more problems

    now that I've admitted to myself I've been abused, than when I was actually being abused. I'm in therapy but it's been a year already. I've made progress but when does things start to get better?
    wanderinggrl wanderinggrl 26-30, T 3 Responses Aug 26

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    7 years today it all ended he was finally caught

    and I was finally free, only to discover I am not free I have lasting damage both mentally and physically
    vanivoo vanivoo 16-17, F 1 Response Aug 12

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    From the time I was about seven to December in

    2013 I was being molested and raped by my uncle who is 5 years older than me. It began as a game where he would hide this kick sac around the room and make me get it then I woul hide it and he would get it and so on and so forth. After awhile he began to put it in his clothing...
    swimmingwolf0 swimmingwolf0 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 6

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    I Was "abused". I Don't Know How I Feel. I Know I Don't Feel Human. But Someday I Will.

    For the longest time I thought I had imagined it. I honestly thought it was a product of my feverish imagination but then again... Why would anyone IMAGINE THAT?? I was sexually taken advantage of as a child. I cannot honestly say I was abused or that I Feel abused because it did...
    Janewise13 Janewise13 18-21 10 Responses Nov 5, 2011

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    My Dad

    He was a horrible man.. He used to hit me and call me names when I was younger. I tried to not let it bother me, But one night he took it way too far.. He and his 2 friends came home all ****** up on heroin and alcohol. They came into my room and woke me up. Then continued to...
    MarissaMoon MarissaMoon 16-17, F 3 Responses Oct 6, 2013

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    This Is What I Feel When I'm Reminded Of It.

    Those white butterflies pretty and white dancing in the valley colorful and bright. Yes, those white butterflies tried escape but caught wings pinned, wings torn. Yes, those white butterflies turning grey and pale motionless and calm wide open eyes but see only the dark. Those...
    TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning 18-21, F 4 Responses Apr 15, 2012

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    Operation Be A Kid Again

    Operation Be A Kid Again( from my blog www.diaryofabrokenchild.blogspot.com) This is my list of things I never got to do as a kid, got to do but want to do again or just things I wanna try as an adult that have nothing to do with childhood. This list could be call Operation...
    silverstar415850 silverstar415850 18-21, F 1 Response Mar 2, 2013

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    I hate how my past holds me back from things I

    want to do :/ it's haunting and terrifying
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 5 days ago

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    It's going to be 7 years this year

    since it all ended after 3 and a half years.
    vanivoo vanivoo 16-17, F 1 Response Jul 1

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    I broke down today.. it had been a while.

    I want to be cuddled in my mothers arms, that's all I want. I had been feeling uneasy for a few days.. I smoked a bowl and got in the car for father's day reunion... my mom was playing a lovely song that I was now finding the double meaning to... it hit close to home, i held...
    unnatainable unnatainable 18-21, F Jun 16

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    Question: Have any of you discovered you had

    problems with intimacy now that you're older? For me, anything intimate is just.. Awkward, and uncomfortable and always has been for me. I avoid kissing my boyfriend of almost 2 years, we kiss sometimes but other times when he leans In I turn my head away because I don't want...
    n0ceur n0ceur 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 10

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    anyone available to talk tonight?

    I am having some flashbacks and I feel bad. :(
    EmmaBrun EmmaBrun 13-15, F 10 Responses Aug 28

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    i was molested from age six

    until age thirteen, when i left for boarding school. It was my father that started it - i think probably because my mother was very cold toward him, so he sought that attention elsewhere. It started with little things, like rubbing my legs when i would sit on his lap, or kissing...
    solemnlittlegirl solemnlittlegirl 13-15, F 5 Responses Oct 8

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    It Only Happened The Once!!!!

    I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A place with trees, and old gravel extraction pit, it was an escape from the the work we had to do when i was a child., parents worked the land and needed my help, I had no choice, that I was not supposed to be in, it was all fenced...
    KnobbyKnees KnobbyKnees 46-50, M 11 Responses Jan 2, 2011

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    A Little Start

    I lay sleeping, until my bedroom door is ajar. I see his shadow through the hall way light. My heart starts pounding, How long do i have? Should I make a run for it, or lay silent and be still, I'm only a child, not more than eight, I close my eyes with the first tear, And pray...
    Estel1980 Estel1980 26-30 2 Responses Aug 25, 2012

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    I'm at a time where I wish I had never told

    anyone. I was abused between age 5-7 by my babysitter. He was at least 40 years older then me. I didn't tell anyone until I was 13. I don't remember much from suppressing my memory but that doesn't stop the flashbacks. I now have major depression, pcos, PTSD, sleep apnea and...
    Chinoi6 Chinoi6 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 20

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    it happened and i cant change it

    but i refuse to let it define who i am as a person
    daniellefeather28 daniellefeather28 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 8

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    I Have Survived

    I have survived but i don't know at what price. I don't know where the experience ends and I start. All i know is that it influences everything i feel, do, experience. I try to leave it behind but i still carry it with me and maybe always will. It is so much to carry it all...
    pinkpandaboi pinkpandaboi 18-21, M 5 Responses Nov 12, 2013

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    The worst part isn't the panic attacks,

    the PTSD, or the insomnia. The worst part isn't my complete lack of sexual desire or my fear of intimacy. The worst part isn't knowing that if it hadn't happened I would be a completely different person. The worst part is wanting to tell people that are close to me but not being...
    TryingToLoveLifeNow TryingToLoveLifeNow 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 5

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    May Trigger

    He held me down. Forced me onto the bed, couch, floor, wherever he wanted me to be. If I ran from him, he would catch me. Sometimes, he would just grab me and carry me back to where I was “supposed” to be. Other times, he would push me in front of him, leading me to where...
    monsterwithinme monsterwithinme 18-21, F 5 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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    Mom is still married to stepdad

    who molested and attempted to rape you(thank god Viagra hadn't come out)how do you handle? Do you see mom?
    graygrace graygrace 31-35, F 1 Response Jul 3

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    Maybe it was my fault.

    .. Funny how if someone tells you something over and over you start to believe it
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Irony Of Life......my Pain, Has Turned To Gain.

    From when i was very young, my father took advantage of me. It happened for....i dont even know how long, but i didnt understand what was happening. Then when my mother got a divorce, she married a new man. who...did the same thing as my father before. It took me many years to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 3, 2012

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    That stuff kills us. I hope everyone reading

    realizes how much it hurts and traumatizes us. It's not that "sex isn't a big deal" because for some it is and for some it isn't. However, it's that lack of control - of knowing what happened to you isn't your choice, and of knowing that someone you love and trust can place your...
    EmmaBrun EmmaBrun 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 31, 2013

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    I'm struggling to stay.

    To cope. I'm close to slipping. I don't know how I can do this anymore, and I don't know what to do to heal, or even make nights better.
    Bobbiin Bobbiin 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 12

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    Self-Delusion

    Today, I had a long conversation with a new EP member who contacted me because she saw that I belonged to a group for those who had been sexually exploited as children. I don’t know why, but I ended up telling her more of my story than I had ever told anyone before. Others have...
    Rutterman Rutterman 36-40, M 8 Responses Oct 27, 2013

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    Sometimes I wonder what other people dream

    about. I used to dream about going to live in the clouds with the angels. Looking down at the world as I fly through the sky. Leaving everything and anyone who ever hurt me behind. Forgetting every mistake I ever made. Losing myself in nothingness. Now, all I see is reality...
    Ashclo Ashclo 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I was sexually abused on a daily basis by my

    stepfather from the ages 7-12. I'm now 23. There is so much that has happened in between that I don't know how to begin to write. Some days are better then others. Although it's always there, bubbling beneath the surface. It's hard to explain, but it's just sadness. Absolute...
    asha1991 asha1991 22-25, F 8 Responses May 6

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    Woke up in the night

    and heard a noise.... I thought it was him coming back. Now the light is on and I'm terrified to sleep...again :/
    jackjack600 jackjack600 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    The insensitivity of others.

    I was at a meeting today for business. One of the presenters gave a very good presentation on childhood trauma and the effects. I found it personally and professionally informative. I really do try my best at meetings or training to get something out of it. This is a new job...
    hischelsea hischelsea 46-50, F 4 Responses Apr 10

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    Surviving Evil-my Story Of Molestation And Moving On.

    I was 10. Mom had met yet another guy. I didn't thik he'd last, they rarely did. I was wrong. He treated my mom like i thought she deserved to be treated at that time in my life. I wanted my mom happy, and he made her happy. He treated me well to which just made things even...
    SSRaye05 SSRaye05 26-30, F 1 Response Feb 3, 2013

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    I was molested by my father

    and i kept it hidden for a year. I constantly blame myself especially if he could end up in jail. I am scared of what will come of the investigation
    savigirl14 savigirl14 13-15, F 4 Responses Aug 9

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