I Am a Victim of Domestic Violence Forum & Chat Board | Please Help. Going back to an abusive ex..

Hi all. I have lurked here for a while but finally decided to join to get some advice. I will try to make this long story short. I was dating my boyfriend for 8 years. I loved him with all my heart and was always a good girlfriend to him. He was always very cold and distant. Not very affectionate at all. We would fight a lot and he would always call me names. We had our good times of course. We almost got married and have a little girl together. He is a wonderful father to her.
He would only hit me when he/we were drunk. We would get in the worst fights when alchol was involved and it would end up being physical sometimes. After years of always being sad I started realizing I wanted to leave but I was scared because he supported me financially. I ended up getting a crush on a friend of mine. We started texting and it gave me motivation to leave. I realize what I did was wrong. I should of left before talking to another guy. I guess I just got caught up because it was so nice to hear someone say nice things to you. Anyways my boyfriend found out about this guy after we broke up and beat me up pretty badly because of it.

Its been over a year since my abusive ex and I broke up, but he recently got into contact with me. He is in all these classes and says he has stopped drinking. He says he is changed and wants to give us another chance. For some dumb reason I miss him so badly. I don't know why. The thought of him with another girl makes me sick. But at the same time it's scary. Has anyone been through this?

 

good girlfriend to him
He was always very cold and distant
always very cold and distant
hit me
my boyfriend found out about this guy after we broke up and beat me up pretty badly because of it.
He says he is changed and wants to give us another chance

He's cold, distant, calls you names, beated you up, and now wants another chance? You NEVER give a guy like that another chance. But, if you truely want to try and work it out, I'd say just go for it. Be careful, and stay safe though.

 

Thank you for your reply. He has been super nice lately but I can't help to think how long that will Last

 

Don't go back to him, people like that are incapable of change, I've seen too many naive people hurt by this to stand idly by. YOU MUST NOT GO BACK TO HIM!!! It will only end in tears and blood, I don't want to see any more people get hurt.

-LilyDefender

 

If you are thinking about getting back with him and have not taken domestic violence classes or not joined a support group, consider doing that first.
Everyone in love wants to blame substance abuse as a logical and meritable reason for why the one they love hit them.
Everyone wants to believe that redemption is available for the man and their relationship.  
Everyone wants believe to that they are the exception to the statistics that say these men never truely reform and they will return to being abusive and the abuse will get worse.  I was stubborn too.  I spent 9 years of my life with a guy that never put his hands on me until year 7 when he was drunk.  What I found out in those classes is the verbal mental emotional psychological and financial abuse had been going on since we met, I just couldn't see it.  I kept going back and it nearly cost me my life in the end.
Now after being away from him for 15 months and totally having to start from scratch at 36.  I can finally sing the song below, the War is Over.  I can see how I deserve much better and will have it.  My life is full of people are me including friends and bosses that appreciate me as a person and not just what I do or don't do for them and the only voices allowed in my head now are ones that cheer me on.
No matter what you did, NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON YOU EVER!  
There is a whole other world out there just waiting for you, but it starts with beginning the journey of being good to yourself.  Whatever decision you make, I wish you all the best!
The War is Over-see below
I watch the days rush by me like a river
I shouldn't wait, but I'm scared to touch the water
I let the phone ring, why won't you believe me
I wait for silence, takes a lot not to answer

All I have to say is
You don't deserve me, you don't deserve me
I'm finally walking away
Cause you don't deserve me, and you're not worthy

And I won't let you pull me in
Because I know you're gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)
And I won't fight you anymore
I never been so sure
(The war is over) cause the war is over

I used to let you paint 'em pretty pictures
You got me caught up with your "you're my girl forever"
So I forgive you, it felt good when you hold me
Yeah you owned me
Now you wish you had really known me

All I have to say is you don't deserve me, you don't deserve me
I'm finally walking away, cause you only hurt me
And you're not worthy

And I won't let you pull me in
Because I know you're gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)
And I won't fight you anymore
I've never been so sure
(The war is over)

This is not my surrender
I'm not running for cover
I'm right here, I know you see me
But your words no longer defeat me
In the night when you're lonely
You remember how much you miss me
So you call, but I swear
You can try a million times, you'll get the same answer

All I have to say is you don't deserve me, you don't deserve me
I'm finally walking away, cause you only hurt me
And you're not worthy

And I won't let you pull me in
Because I know you're gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)

The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over