Thanks for posting. My abuser (was with him on and off for five years, left him five years ago) would pull some pretty horrendous stunt which would totally floor me, then if I tried to find out why would twist the knife and would then ignore me. I found this sequence so very painful and walked on eggshells to the point where I'd be terrified of asking him why he'd done stuff in case I upset him (instead of leaving him instantly as I would have done if he'd have behaved that way at the start of our relationship). I was the one who finally left him for good (and hard as it was avoided the contact). However, there were several times before that when he left me, so I can understand what you're going through. I think the reason you feel so bad is a combination of factors. It's another rejection, he's been treating you like dirt for ages and some part of you knows you deserve better, there are probably insecurities that you now have that you never previously had and him leaving you probably plays on those. It took me a long time to get over mine and the denial and lack of apologies makes it hard, but things will get better for you, I promise!
You are lucky in that you don't have to convince your friends/family of what he's really like, so try to harness their support. If you were anything like me, you may have been strong in other aspects of your life and have a sense of shame that you ended up in an abusive relationship. I don't think people can fully understand unless they've been in it themselves, so it's useful to get your feelings out in these sorts of forums where people understand. You have had your feelings denied for a long time by this man. In trying to explain/communicate with him and having that trivialised or denied, you may have got used to questioning yourself and whether you're too sensitive (in essence relying on him to tell you how to feel/validate your feelings). It's messed up. It's horrible. However, you know your own reality. Your head and heart will align again. Try to take it on a day by day basis and one day you will have faith in your judgement and yourself again, will forgive yourself and will like yourself again and it's amazing when that happens - and it will. Reading up on stuff and facing up to it was horrible for me - I hated thinking I was a victim - however, it also helped me to understand, and, more importantly forgive myself. That may help you too or it may help to see a counsellor.
I'm back on these forums again as mine recently contacted me with an apology, but won't actually admit to the abuse. I'd have given my right arm for an apology back then. Now, although I'd love to believe it, I know I'd be trivialising the abuse to have contact with someone who took five years to apologise and within the short space of time I've allowed contact has shown abusive traits again, apologised, repeated, then "forgotten" about the abuse or apology. It's refreshing to not have to question the reasons behind it anymore - it's enough for me that that doesn't happen with anyone else and to know my faith in myself and my own judgement is restored. I've told him no contact, but also know my weakness is for things to be left on a pleasant, rather than unresolved note, so am back on here to remind myself of all the reasons not to have contact! A short bit of contact and I felt like i was going mad, but he also smashed my trust up so many times and was a textbook abuser that I don't know if he really feels any remorse or if he wants to try that as a potential way in to abuse again. I do know that mentality is not healthy and I don't have it with anyone else, so logically no contact is the sensible option. I can accept that he'll never acknowledge what really went on - I spent years up against that mentality - it's part and parcel of who they are. You know what happened - whether he admits it or not, he knows it's not the way to treat someone - if he didn't know that, he wouldn't avoid the topic.
I wish you loads of luck and hugs. Take it one day at a time and try not to beat yourself up - it's all part of the process. I promise you things will get better. This article might be useful to you - it talks about why you might feel worse sometimes as time goes on xxx
It's recoverfromemotionalabuse dot com and the article is why have I lost my self esteem. Sorry, I tried to post the link but it wasn't allowed in case it was spam!