I Am a Victim of Emotional Abuse Forum & Chat Board | Why did my emotional abuser leave me

His behavior is very common for an abusive man. He knew you were getting stronger and it would only be a matter of time before you left him. So he did it first. That way he could give you more hurt and worry and guilt over the breakup and it gave him a chance to spin the story to suit him. Knowing what guys like this are like, it is almost a certainty that he had another woman (AKA "victim") waiting in the wings.

If it were me, I would try this: Set up a situation with some surveillance equipment (nanny type camera with sound--you can rent them) and then have a "private" discussion about what went wrong with your relationship. Make sure the videotape you wind up with indicates at least some of his abusive behavior that he has not been truthful about with your family and other people. Confront him quietly with some of his mischief and meanness toward you and ask him why he did it. Then let him talk. Then make copies and send them to everyone he is lying to as well as his new woman (check it out--she's there!) and let them come to their own conclusions.

Then, after that, stay away from him except when you must meet and when you do, just be polite and have someone nearby in case he goes off and tries to hurt you.

 

My abuser left me four times in the last months and he had never done this before. He would come back and say he made a mistake and AI was the one he loved bla bla bla and I kept taking him back. I beleived he did love me and in truth I was just his door mat. I didn't even realize the relationship was abusive until a friend got me to call a hotline and then the light came on. He is with some other poor girl and I feel for her. Myself I am in therapy now and got a resatraining order. He will not beat me down emotionally another day. Don't think for a minute that he isn't telling anyone and everyone all kinds of lies about me and why he has been treating me the way he is. I just don't let it get under my skin. I am healing and nothing he can do will stop that because I won't let him. H e told me the world would be a better place if I just offed myself. Wouldn't give that pathetic man the satisfaction. Don't give up. Concentrate on healing. Surround yourself with loved ones and reconnect with the people he drovew away. The abusers always do that. Be strong.

 

Hi

Thanks for posting. My abuser (was with him on and off for five years, left him five years ago) would pull some pretty horrendous stunt which would totally floor me, then if I tried to find out why would twist the knife and would then ignore me. I found this sequence so very painful and walked on eggshells to the point where I'd be terrified of asking him why he'd done stuff in case I upset him (instead of leaving him instantly as I would have done if he'd have behaved that way at the start of our relationship). I was the one who finally left him for good (and hard as it was avoided the contact). However, there were several times before that when he left me, so I can understand what you're going through. I think the reason you feel so bad is a combination of factors. It's another rejection, he's been treating you like dirt for ages and some part of you knows you deserve better, there are probably insecurities that you now have that you never previously had and him leaving you probably plays on those. It took me a long time to get over mine and the denial and lack of apologies makes it hard, but things will get better for you, I promise!

You are lucky in that you don't have to convince your friends/family of what he's really like, so try to harness their support. If you were anything like me, you may have been strong in other aspects of your life and have a sense of shame that you ended up in an abusive relationship. I don't think people can fully understand unless they've been in it themselves, so it's useful to get your feelings out in these sorts of forums where people understand. You have had your feelings denied for a long time by this man. In trying to explain/communicate with him and having that trivialised or denied, you may have got used to questioning yourself and whether you're too sensitive (in essence relying on him to tell you how to feel/validate your feelings). It's messed up. It's horrible. However, you know your own reality. Your head and heart will align again. Try to take it on a day by day basis and one day you will have faith in your judgement and yourself again, will forgive yourself and will like yourself again and it's amazing when that happens - and it will. Reading up on stuff and facing up to it was horrible for me - I hated thinking I was a victim - however, it also helped me to understand, and, more importantly forgive myself. That may help you too or it may help to see a counsellor.

I'm back on these forums again as mine recently contacted me with an apology, but won't actually admit to the abuse. I'd have given my right arm for an apology back then. Now, although I'd love to believe it, I know I'd be trivialising the abuse to have contact with someone who took five years to apologise and within the short space of time I've allowed contact has shown abusive traits again, apologised, repeated, then "forgotten" about the abuse or apology. It's refreshing to not have to question the reasons behind it anymore - it's enough for me that that doesn't happen with anyone else and to know my faith in myself and my own judgement is restored. I've told him no contact, but also know my weakness is for things to be left on a pleasant, rather than unresolved note, so am back on here to remind myself of all the reasons not to have contact! A short bit of contact and I felt like i was going mad, but he also smashed my trust up so many times and was a textbook abuser that I don't know if he really feels any remorse or if he wants to try that as a potential way in to abuse again. I do know that mentality is not healthy and I don't have it with anyone else, so logically no contact is the sensible option. I can accept that he'll never acknowledge what really went on - I spent years up against that mentality - it's part and parcel of who they are. You know what happened - whether he admits it or not, he knows it's not the way to treat someone - if he didn't know that, he wouldn't avoid the topic.

I wish you loads of luck and hugs. Take it one day at a time and try not to beat yourself up - it's all part of the process.  I promise you things will get better. This article might be useful to you - it talks about why you might feel worse sometimes as time goes on xxx
It's recoverfromemotionalabuse dot com and the article is why have I lost my self esteem. Sorry, I tried to post the link but it wasn't allowed in case it was spam!

 

He found a someone else suck the life out of.  Consider yourself lucky.

 

After demolishing your spirit, he didn't like the results and didn't want to be reminded of his misdeeds.

 

Because he sensed you pulling away and wanted to end it first. It's just another tactic they use to make you feel rejected and like they are still in control...that's what it's all about. Control. I went through it for about a year with my ex. The first 6 months of our relationship were fine, but then I noticed changes and found myself giving more and more of myself just to keep the relationship afloat. We went through multiple breakups, and he would ALWAYS come back. And sadly enough I took him back. I bought into the empty promises and the lies. Don't get down on yourself for that. Being a trusting person is a virtue, not a flaw! It is the sick people out there who take advantage of trusting people who have flaws. But to continually put yourself through torment is not necessary. Our relationship became more and more volatile. We would have extreme ups where he would declare love and marriage and extreme downs where said he wanted out. If I ever confronted him about my feelings, it always turned into being my fault and how much of an angry person I was for expressing my frustration. That was then followed by a couple of days of isolation as punishment. When he would sense me falling away because of his punishment he would swoop back in to declare his love for me. It's an endless cycle of mind games. He is using you to make himself feel better because he does not find value in himself, so he has to make you feel bad and keep you down so that in comparison he is better. Do not allow this to continue. It will rip you apart. Our last breakup was pretty standard. At the beginning of the week he was telling me he wanted to be engaged by the end of the year and he wanted me to move back in with him (I recently moved out and got my own apartment during our last breakup), at the end of the week (coincidentally during a night I went out and had a girls night to celebrate my sisters birthday...texted him the whole night to keep him comfortable but didn't call immediately when he wanted me to) he told me he was not happy at all, that he had fallen out of love and had met someone else along with a bunch of other crazy stuff. I mean complete mind games. Not to mention after all that and me not responding to his idiocy he sends me a text asking if I was ok just to start the cycle over again because he wanted to know if he was having an affect on me. They are addicted to control and drama. Without it they feel like they are nothing. They will stop at nothing to gain control back. I don't even care that he ended it first, I'm just happy that weight is lifted off of my shoulders. And if he were to contact me again I won't even respond. It's not worth the cycle starting over again. If I were to respond, it would be me telling him that I will take legal action if he doesn't leave me alone. If you are strong enough to leave the situation, leave now. But if he leaves you first, consider yourself lucky and burn that bridge! Closure comes from forgiveness of that person which is something only you can give, whether or not they ask for forgiveness has no bearing on whether or not you can give it.

 

I was with my 'emotional abuser' four years.  While she was the one that left me, and was great when my medical(physical in nature) issues cropped up.  After four years, I told her I had, had enough of her 'diagnosing' me.  When I told her, she was taken aback, that she couldn't 'diagnose' me anymore.  She couldn't tell me she knew more about World War II(which she knew practically nothing), anymore.  She couldn't lie to the authorities, anymore.  She didn't like, no longer having the power and control to emotionally abuse me.

Her mental illness was no longer an excuse for her emotionally abusive behavior.

 

My ex left me four times in two years . First time we got back together after a few days of me begging and crying . Second time it was for good and after half a year of no contact he emailed me saying that he never loved anyone as much as me , that I am amazing and that he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy . He moved across the country shortly after he dumped me though .

After a few days he changed his mind and said that I was just filtering out what I wanted to hear , and that I was unfair . Then after not talking I get an email 4 months later , saying losing me was the biggest mistake he made and that he wants me back . He even flew me over and paid for the hotel and everything . He was so affectionate and we had sex . Next day I got really sick and had to vomit three times while he dragged me around town . I was so bad , I thought I was going to drop dead . Yet he never showed concern , he even got mad because I didn't listen to him before . He said if I drunk water I would have been fine ( I felt too sick to drink anything ) he got mad that I didn't eat all my food and pretty much ignored me .

When  I got back he hardly texted me and after two weeks he made excuses and said it was " too hard " and that was it .