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I Am Codependant

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 138 People

    August 13. Friends. Don't overlook the value

    of friendship. Don't neglect friends. Friends are a joy. Adult friendships can be a good place for us to learn to have fun and to appreciate how much fun we can have with a friend. Friends can be a comfort. Who knows us better, or is more able to give us support, than a good...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 13

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    Here Goes Nothing...

    I am a CoDA, there world now you know. Now I know. It's time to make the changes. I want a healthy relationship. I want the lies to myself and those around me to stop. The manipulation. The self loathing. The searching for something and not even knowing what it was I was...
    Lingaloo83 Lingaloo83 26-30 1 Response Feb 7, 2013

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    August 16. Rescuing Ourselves.

    No one likes a martyr. How do we feel around martyrs? Guilty, angry, trapped, negative, and anxious to get away. Somehow, many of us have developed the belief that depriving ourselves, not taking care of ourselves, being a victim, and suffering needlessly will get us what we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 16

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    March 5. Be Who You Are.

    When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 5

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    June 1. Directness. We feel safe around direct,

    honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 1

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    August 19. Letting Go of Shame.

    Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest. In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 19

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    August 6. Solving Problems.

    Problems are made to be solved! Some of us spend more time reacting to the fact that we have a problem than we do solving the problem. "Why is this happening to me?" . . . "Isn't life awful?" . . . "How come this had to happen?" . . . "Oh, dear. This is terrible." . . . "Why...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 6

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    Wow, That Was Hard!!

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years.  Many many days were spent wishing I could walk away because our personalities just didn't connect.  I stayed this whole time and married him after 7 years.  The whole time I thought that I just couldn't walk away because...
    mlpete mlpete 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 23, 2008

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    August 17. Healing Thoughts.

    Think healing thoughts. When you feel anger or resentment, ask God to help you feel it, learn from it, and then release it. Ask Him to bless those who you feel anger toward. Ask Him to bless you too. When you feel fear, ask Him to take it from you. When you feel misery, force...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 17

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    August 14. Owning Our Power.

    Many of us have someone in our life that challenges our ability to trust and care for ourselves. When we hear that person's voice or are in his or her presence, we may forget all we know about what is real, about how to own our power, about how to be direct, about what we know...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 14

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    July 3. Directness. So much of our

    communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs. Freedom is just a few words...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 3

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    August 15. Leaving Room

    for Feelings. We need to allow enough room for others and ourselves to have and work through our feelings. We are people, not robots. An important part of us - who we are, how we grow, how we live - is connected to our emotional center. We have feelings, sometimes - difficult...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 15

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    I Admit It

    I try to be independent, I shut out most of my friends, not big on visitors, seek safety in my own compound... and yet somehow I've become codependent on that one. I've done much better at distancing myself from him but there are still times when I just want to lay down and allow...
    mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality 36-40, F 4 Responses Apr 6, 2008

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    August 24. Step Eight.

    "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." —Step Eight of Al-Anon The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord. We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 24

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    June 6. The Gift of Readiness.

    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. —Step Six of Al-Anon We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 6

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    Realizing That I'm Codependent

    I'm 39 years old and it wasn't until this past summer that I realized I was codependent. I started therapy in July because my work life and homelife were both in disarray. I knew that I wasn't happy with my situation but I didn't really understand why. Therapy has helped me...
    zachias zachias 36-40, M 1 Response Nov 16, 2013

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    August 22. Responsibility

    for Family Members. "I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me." —Anonymous For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 22

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    August 29. Owning Our Energy.

    "Learn to keep your energy inside." —From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    September 1. Patience.

    Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled. We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    June 20. Relationship Martyrs.

    Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships. We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 20

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    July 17. Love, in Words

    and Actions. Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about. Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did. We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jul 17

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    Codependant

    I have a friendship with this fun, good looking, gay man -- but I realized one of the attractions to him is feelings from my past -- I thought at first it was just to people who got each other, but I have realized that its more than that; he knows what buttons to push and I have...
    ayuda ayuda 41-45 2 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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    Feeling Lost

    I recently broke it off with the man I'd been seeing on and off for two years. I want to be strong and keep away from him as he's not good for me. He's always pushing my buttons. The problem is that he sweet talks me into getting back with him and I fall for it everytime. When we...
    cmcy cmcy 51-55 3 Responses Nov 17, 2008

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    August 12. Directness.

    Direct people are a joy to be around. We never have to guess what they're really thinking or feeling, because they're honest about their thoughts and openly express their feelings. We never have to wonder if they're with us because they want to be, or if they're there out of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 12

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    July 22. Learning to Trust Again.

    Many of us have trust issues. Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 22

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    Oh God , It's True . . . .

    I'm still getting over a ten year relationship involving our children and being married twice to her . It never worked out but we kept trying . All we accomplished was hurting each other and confusing the kids . I can only hope that we have finally ended it at last and the...
    WisestFool WisestFool 41-45, M 5 Responses Sep 7, 2011

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    July 10. Ending Relationships.

    It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 10

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    June 8. Fun. Have some fun - with life,

    with the day. Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom. Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 8

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    August 31. Denial. I've been recovering many

    years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy. When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 days ago

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    August 25. Willing to Make Amends.

    The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing change. This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we become willing to let go of our hard heartedness - one of the greatest blocks to our...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 25

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    August 20. Honesty in Relationships.

    We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship. Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 20

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    July 11. Bring Any Request to God.

    Bring any request you have to God. No request is too large; none too small or insignificant. How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need. Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day? Do we need help in a particular relationship...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 11

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    August 8. Saying Yes.

    Yesterday we talked about learning to say no. Today, let's discuss another important word: Yes. We can learn to say yes to things that feel good, to what we want - for others and ourselves. We can learn to say yes to fun. Yes to meetings, to calling a friend, asking for help...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 8

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    June 4. Trusting God.

    A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake. They found a small lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 4

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    August 23. Self Care.

    "When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves." —Beyond Codependency The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 23

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    I Am A Codie...

    My wife is an alcoholic.  I enabled her.  I helped her by buying the stuff.  The sex was great because she was dulling her pain and could get over it.  Sober she has no desire.  She feels ashamed of herself because of alcohol fueled sexual activities...
    another40 another40 46-50, M 4 Responses May 18, 2010

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    I Will Do Anything For You. I Need You. :(

      I feel like missing every wonderful happening in my life just to please them. Expectations I had been trying so hard to push myself.  I lost myself.  I lost my identity.  It came to me that I had no idea who I am anymore.  I...
    CallmeCamille CallmeCamille 70+ 2 Responses Sep 13, 2009

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    August 5. Attitudes Toward Money.

    Sometimes, our life and history may be so full of pain that we think it totally unfair that we have to grow up now and be financially responsible for ourselves. The feeling is understandable; the attitude is not healthy. Many people in recovery may believe that certain people...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 5

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    August 7. Saying No. For many of us,

    the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: No. Go ahead, say it aloud: No. No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We're afraid people won't like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that a "good" employee, child, parent, spouse, or...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 7

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    September 2. Detaching with Love with Children.

    "It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents?" —Al Anon member We do have different responsibilities to our children than to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 13 hrs ago

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    August 27. Procrastination.

    Procrastination - not acting when the time is right - is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do. We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 6 days ago

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    August 4. Vulnerability.

    "I've learned that the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am." —Anonymous Many of us feel that we can only show our strong, confident side. We believe the face we have to show to the world should always be one of politeness...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 4

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    August 10. Letting Go of Perfection.

    "As I journey through recovery, more and more I learn that accepting myself and my idiosyncrasies — laughing at myself for my ways — gets me a lot further than picking on myself and trying to make myself perfect. Maybe that's really what it's all about — absolute loving...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 11

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    August 11. Healing. Let healing energy flow

    through your body. The healing energy of God, the Universe, life, and recovery surrounds us. It is available, waiting for us to draw on it, waiting for us to draw it in. It's waiting at our meetings or groups, on the words of a whispered prayer, in a gentle touch, a positive...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 11

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    June 7. Into Orbit. "It doesn't matter

    if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER." —Codependent No More I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 7

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    August 18. Valuing this Moment.

    "Detachment involves present moment living - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day." —Codependent No More This moment, we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 18

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    I used to think that codependency meant aiding

    someone in they're addiction; being an enabler. I'm sure as hell not that, but then I found out what it really means, and I sure as hell AM that! I want to fix everyone, I want to do it for you, I want to take care of you. I'm having a hard time letting go of this, but I'm...
    LookingForSoMuchMore LookingForSoMuchMore 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 28

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    August 30. Accepting Our Best.

    We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever. Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later. We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    August 28. Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job.

    It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay - it is necessary. Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 5 days ago

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    July 7. Getting It All Out.

    "Let yourself have a good gripe session." From: " Woman, Sex, and Addiction" —Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 7

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    August 9. Asking for What We Need.

    Decide what it is you want and need, and then go to the person you need it from and ask for it. Sometimes, it takes hard work and much energy to get what we want and need. We have to go through the pains of identifying what we want, then struggle to believe that we deserve it...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 9

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    August 21. Detaching in Relationships.

    When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care. We...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 21

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    August 26. Making Amends.

    "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." —Step Nine of Al-Anon When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F a week ago

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