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I Am Codependant

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 142 People

    August 25. Willing to Make Amends.

    The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing change. This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we become willing to let go of our hard heartedness - one of the greatest blocks to our...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 25

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    September 19. Apologies.

    Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gap. But we don't have to say, "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    August 29. Owning Our Energy.

    "Learn to keep your energy inside." —From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 29

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    September 6. The Good in Step Ten.

    Step Ten says: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." It does not suggest that we ignore what is right in our life. It says we continue to take a personal inventory and keep a focus on ourselves. When we take an inventory, we will...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 6

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    August 8. Saying Yes.

    Yesterday we talked about learning to say no. Today, let's discuss another important word: Yes. We can learn to say yes to things that feel good, to what we want - for others and ourselves. We can learn to say yes to fun. Yes to meetings, to calling a friend, asking for help...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 8

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    July 3. Directness. So much of our

    communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs. Freedom is just a few words...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 3

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    September 20. Spontaneity.

    In recovery, we're learning to let ourselves go! We're learning to be spontaneous. Spontaneity may frighten some of us. We may be afraid of the loss of control involved with spontaneity. We may still be operating under the codependent rules that prohibit spontaneity: be good...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    June 4. Trusting God.

    A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake. They found a small lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 4

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    September 15. Getting Through Hard Times.

    "We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only God and we can determine the timing." —Codependent No More Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 15

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    July 10. Ending Relationships.

    It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 10

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    September 10. Self-approval.

    Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others. Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 10

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    September 17. New Relationship Behaviors.

    We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without over reacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 6 days ago

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    August 18. Valuing this Moment.

    "Detachment involves present moment living - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day." —Codependent No More This moment, we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Aug 18

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    September 14. What's Good

    for Me? When we are soul searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face during the day, we can learn to ask, is this good for me?... Is this what I really want?... Is this what I need?...Does this direction feel right for me?...or am I succumbing to the control...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 14

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    Oh God , It's True . . . .

    I'm still getting over a ten year relationship involving our children and being married twice to her . It never worked out but we kept trying . All we accomplished was hurting each other and confusing the kids . I can only hope that we have finally ended it at last and the...
    WisestFool WisestFool 41-45, M 5 Responses Sep 7, 2011

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    June 7. Into Orbit. "It doesn't matter

    if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER." —Codependent No More I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 7

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    August 31. Denial. I've been recovering many

    years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy. When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 31

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    I Admit It

    I try to be independent, I shut out most of my friends, not big on visitors, seek safety in my own compound... and yet somehow I've become codependent on that one. I've done much better at distancing myself from him but there are still times when I just want to lay down and allow...
    mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality 36-40, F 4 Responses Apr 6, 2008

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    I used to think that codependency meant aiding

    someone in they're addiction; being an enabler. I'm sure as hell not that, but then I found out what it really means, and I sure as hell AM that! I want to fix everyone, I want to do it for you, I want to take care of you. I'm having a hard time letting go of this, but I'm...
    LookingForSoMuchMore LookingForSoMuchMore 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 28

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    August 26. Making Amends.

    "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." —Step Nine of Al-Anon When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 26

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    September 9. Perspective.

    Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time. That will make us crazy. We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 9

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    August 30. Accepting Our Best.

    We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever. Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later. We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 30

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    August 27. Procrastination.

    Procrastination - not acting when the time is right - is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do. We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 27

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    Realizing That I'm Codependent

    I'm 39 years old and it wasn't until this past summer that I realized I was codependent. I started therapy in July because my work life and homelife were both in disarray. I knew that I wasn't happy with my situation but I didn't really understand why. Therapy has helped me...
    zachias zachias 36-40, M 1 Response Nov 16, 2013

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    September 12. Healing.

    "We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 12

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    September 2. Detaching with Love with Children.

    "It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents?" —Al Anon member We do have different responsibilities to our children than to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 2

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    June 20. Relationship Martyrs.

    Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships. We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 20

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    Feeling Lost

    I recently broke it off with the man I'd been seeing on and off for two years. I want to be strong and keep away from him as he's not good for me. He's always pushing my buttons. The problem is that he sweet talks me into getting back with him and I fall for it everytime. When we...
    cmcy cmcy 51-55 3 Responses Nov 17, 2008

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    September 5. Step Ten.

    "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." —Step Ten of Al Anon Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This Step incorporates the process we have gone...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 5

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    September 23. Tolerance.

    Practice tolerance. Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature. Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 13 hrs ago

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    August 28. Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job.

    It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay - it is necessary. Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 28

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    July 22. Learning to Trust Again.

    Many of us have trust issues. Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 22

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    August 21. Detaching in Relationships.

    When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care. We...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 21

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    September 7. Powerless over Others.

    Stop making excuses for other people. Stop making excuses for ourselves. While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 7

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    September 16. Revenge.

    No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person. We want revenge. We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F a week ago

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    Codependant

    I have a friendship with this fun, good looking, gay man -- but I realized one of the attractions to him is feelings from my past -- I thought at first it was just to people who got each other, but I have realized that its more than that; he knows what buttons to push and I have...
    ayuda ayuda 41-45 2 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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    July 11. Bring Any Request to God.

    Bring any request you have to God. No request is too large; none too small or insignificant. How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need. Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day? Do we need help in a particular relationship...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 11

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    June 6. The Gift of Readiness.

    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. —Step Six of Al-Anon We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 6

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    September 22. Trusting Ourselves.

    Many of us believed that heeding the words of God or our Higher Power meant following rigid rules, an instruction booklet for life. Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words our Higher Power...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    September 8. Stopping Our Pain.

    "Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn." —Beyond Codependency There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 8

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    September 21. Letting Go of Urgency.

    One thing at a time. That's all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace. One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time. One pleasure at a time. Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 days ago

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    July 7. Getting It All Out.

    "Let yourself have a good gripe session." From: " Woman, Sex, and Addiction" —Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 7

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    September 4. Finding Direction.

    "I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 4

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    June 8. Fun. Have some fun - with life,

    with the day. Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom. Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 8

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    September 1. Patience.

    Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled. We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 1

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    June 1. Directness. We feel safe around direct,

    honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 1

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    March 5. Be Who You Are.

    When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 5

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    September 13. Times of Reprogramming.

    Recovery is not all-tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. These are the times when what we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 13

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    Here Goes Nothing...

    I am a CoDA, there world now you know. Now I know. It's time to make the changes. I want a healthy relationship. I want the lies to myself and those around me to stop. The manipulation. The self loathing. The searching for something and not even knowing what it was I was...
    Lingaloo83 Lingaloo83 26-30 1 Response Feb 7, 2013

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    I Am A Codie...

    My wife is an alcoholic.  I enabled her.  I helped her by buying the stuff.  The sex was great because she was dulling her pain and could get over it.  Sober she has no desire.  She feels ashamed of herself because of alcohol fueled sexual activities...
    another40 another40 46-50, M 4 Responses May 18, 2010

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    July 17. Love, in Words

    and Actions. Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about. Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did. We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jul 17

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    Wow, That Was Hard!!

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years.  Many many days were spent wishing I could walk away because our personalities just didn't connect.  I stayed this whole time and married him after 7 years.  The whole time I thought that I just couldn't walk away because...
    mlpete mlpete 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 23, 2008

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    September 18. Letting the Good Stuff Happen.

    "Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect!" —Anonymous I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I'm afraid...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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