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I Am Codependant

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 155 People

    July 3. Directness. So much of our

    communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs. Freedom is just a few words...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 3

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    My love is 23 years older

    than me. We met a few years ago online via AgeMeet.com. It was totally platonic but I broke off contact due to doing other things in my life, I wasn't quite ready to explore my spirituality. At the beggining of the year we got back into contact and basically fell in love over...
    toylycc11 toylycc11 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    November 10. Beliefs about Money.

    "I was starting a new job for a corporation. I was good at what I did for a living. The personnel manager and I were down to the details of employment, and he asked me how much money I believed I deserved. I thought about it and came up with a figure of $400 a month. This was...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 10

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    March 5. Be Who You Are.

    When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 5

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    I Am A Codie...

    My wife is an alcoholic.  I enabled her.  I helped her by buying the stuff.  The sex was great because she was dulling her pain and could get over it.  Sober she has no desire.  She feels ashamed of herself because of alcohol fueled sexual activities...
    another40 another40 46-50, M 4 Responses May 18, 2010

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    Realizing That I'm Codependent

    I'm 39 years old and it wasn't until this past summer that I realized I was codependent. I started therapy in July because my work life and homelife were both in disarray. I knew that I wasn't happy with my situation but I didn't really understand why. Therapy has helped me...
    zachias zachias 36-40, M 1 Response Nov 16, 2013

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    November 4. Anger. Feeling angry - and,

    sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance. As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 4

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    Oh God , It's True . . . .

    I'm still getting over a ten year relationship involving our children and being married twice to her . It never worked out but we kept trying . All we accomplished was hurting each other and confusing the kids . I can only hope that we have finally ended it at last and the...
    WisestFool WisestFool 41-45, M 5 Responses Sep 7, 2011

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    June 4. Trusting God.

    A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake. They found a small lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 4

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    Wow, That Was Hard!!

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years.  Many many days were spent wishing I could walk away because our personalities just didn't connect.  I stayed this whole time and married him after 7 years.  The whole time I thought that I just couldn't walk away because...
    mlpete mlpete 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 23, 2008

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    November 14. Letting Our Anger Out.

    It's okay to be angry, but it isn't healthy to be resentful. Regardless of what we learned as children, no matter what we saw role modeled, we can learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for us and for those around us. We can have our angry feelings. We can...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 14

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    I Admit It

    I try to be independent, I shut out most of my friends, not big on visitors, seek safety in my own compound... and yet somehow I've become codependent on that one. I've done much better at distancing myself from him but there are still times when I just want to lay down and allow...
    mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality 36-40, F 4 Responses Apr 6, 2008

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    November 11. Discipline.

    Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults. Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences. Discipline means learning to wait for what we want. Discipline...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 11

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    August 28. Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job.

    It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay - it is necessary. Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 28

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    November 2. The Grief Process.

    To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps "a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief." How do we grieve? Awkwardly. Imperfectly...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Nov 2

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    July 11. Bring Any Request to God.

    Bring any request you have to God. No request is too large; none too small or insignificant. How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need. Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day? Do we need help in a particular relationship...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 11

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    November 18. Allowing Ourselves to be Nurtured.

    Let yourself be nurtured and loved. Let people be there for you. Allow yourself to be held when it would feel good. Let someone listen to you, support and encourage you when you need that. Receive comfort from someone's physical presence when you need that. Allow yourself to be...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 Responses Nov 18

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    July 17. Love, in Words

    and Actions. Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about. Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did. We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jul 17

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    September 1. Patience.

    Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled. We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 1

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    June 8. Fun. Have some fun - with life,

    with the day. Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom. Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 8

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    November 9. Accepting Love.

    Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate. To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 9

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    November 25. Awareness.

    When we first become aware of a problem, a situation, or a feeling, we may react with anxiety or fear. There is no need to fear awareness. No need. Awareness is the first step toward positive change and growth. It's the first step toward solving the problem, or getting the...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 days ago

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    November 27. We can Trust Ourselves.

    For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again. "The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. "I can't afford to make another mistake like...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    November 12. Timing. Wait

    until the time is right. It is self-defeating to postpone or procrastinate; it is also self-defeating to act too soon, before the time is right. Sometimes, we panic and take action out of fear. Sometimes, we take untimely action for revenge or because we want to punish someone...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Nov 12

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    November 17. Grief and Action.

    "Trust in God and do something." —Mary Lyon It's important to let ourselves grieve as a passage between yesterday and tomorrow. But we do not have to be controlled unduly by our grief, or our pain. There are times when we have grieved, surrendered to the heaviness...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 17

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    November 24. Surrender.

    Surrender means saying, "Okay, God. I'll do whatever You want." Faith in the God of our recovery means we trust that, eventually, we'll like doing that. Today, I will surrender to my Higher Power. I'll trust that God's plan for me will be good, even if it is different than I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    August 27. Procrastination.

    Procrastination - not acting when the time is right - is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do. We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 27

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    Here Goes Nothing...

    I am a CoDA, there world now you know. Now I know. It's time to make the changes. I want a healthy relationship. I want the lies to myself and those around me to stop. The manipulation. The self loathing. The searching for something and not even knowing what it was I was...
    Lingaloo83 Lingaloo83 26-30 1 Response Feb 7, 2013

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    November 16. The Victim Trap.

    The belief that life has to be hard and difficult in the belief that makes a martyr. We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves. We aren't helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power - not...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 16

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    Feeling Lost

    I recently broke it off with the man I'd been seeing on and off for two years. I want to be strong and keep away from him as he's not good for me. He's always pushing my buttons. The problem is that he sweet talks me into getting back with him and I fall for it everytime. When we...
    cmcy cmcy 51-55 3 Responses Nov 17, 2008

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    November 13. Taking Care of Ourselves.

    We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless. Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us. Teachers may come our way...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 13

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    November 3. Denial. Denial is fertile breeding

    ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial. Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 3

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    Codependant

    I have a friendship with this fun, good looking, gay man -- but I realized one of the attractions to him is feelings from my past -- I thought at first it was just to people who got each other, but I have realized that its more than that; he knows what buttons to push and I have...
    ayuda ayuda 41-45 2 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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    June 6. The Gift of Readiness.

    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. —Step Six of Al-Anon We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 6

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    August 21. Detaching in Relationships.

    When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care. We...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Aug 21

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    November 22. The Magic of Gratitude

    and Acceptance. Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery. No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work. We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good. Or we master...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 5 days ago

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    November 6. Enjoying Life.

    Do something fun today. If you're relaxing, let yourself relax, without guilt, without worrying about the work that is undone. If you're with loved ones, let yourself love them, and let them love you. Let yourself feel close. Let yourself enjoy your work, for that can be...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 6

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    It's so hard for me to watch people struggle,

    I just want to help them. But Im starting to get that im trying to help them to avoid dealing with my own emotions. And I'm not actually helping them by offering help. I may be hurting them. I'm learning that the best thing to do is let them go through their own **** in their...
    Wbyogimaso Wbyogimaso 26-30, M 1 Response Nov 2

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    July 7. Getting It All Out.

    "Let yourself have a good gripe session." From: " Woman, Sex, and Addiction" —Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 7

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    November 23. Healthy Sexuality.

    Many areas of our life need healing. One important part of our life is our sexuality. Our feelings and beliefs about our sexuality, our ability to nurture, cherish, and enjoy our sexuality, our ability to respect ourselves sexually, our ability to let go of sexual shame and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    November 1. Transformation through Grief.

    We're striving for acceptance in recovery - acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom - the freedom to take care of ourselves. Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 1

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    November 26. Letting Go of Self-Criticism.

    Look how far we've come! It's good to focus on the task ahead, on what remains to be done. It's important to stop and feel pleased about what we've accomplished too. Yes, it may seem that the change has been slow. At times, change is grueling. Yes, we've taken steps backward...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    July 10. Ending Relationships.

    It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 10

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    November 5. Let's Make a Deal.

    "The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 5

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    November 8. True to Ourselves.

    "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou 'canst not then be false to any man." —William Shakespeare To thine own self be true. A grounding statement for those of us who get caught up in the storm of needs and feelings of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 8

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    Wbyogimaso Wbyogimaso 26-30, M Nov 6

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    September 24. Allowing Ourselves to be Needy.

    We can accept ourselves as people who have needs - the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, and healthy touch. We need positive reinforcement, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Sep 24

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    November 7. Relationships.

    There is a gift for us in each relationship that comes our way. Sometimes the gift is a behavior we're learning to acquire: detachment, self esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way. Some relationships trigger healing in us...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Nov 7

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    October 31. All Our Needs.

    "And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory..." —Phil. 4:19 This verse has helped me many times. It has helped me when I have wondered where my next friend bit of wisdom, insight, or meal was coming from. Everything I need today shall be...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Oct 31

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    October 3. Getting Through the Discomfort.

    "Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It's there and more is on the way." —Beyond Codependency Our goal in recovery is to make us feel comfortable, peaceful, and content. Happy. We want to be at peace with our environment and ourselves. Sometimes, to...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Oct 3

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    November 21. Financial Fears.

    I sat in the car, looking at the sign on the door of the food shelf office: "Closed until Friday." It was Wednesday. I had two hungry children and myself; I had no money. I laid my head on the steering wheel. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been so strong, so brave, so...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 6 days ago

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