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I Am Codependant

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 133 People

    Wow, That Was Hard!!

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years.  Many many days were spent wishing I could walk away because our personalities just didn't connect.  I stayed this whole time and married him after 7 years.  The whole time I thought that I just couldn't walk away because...
    mlpete mlpete 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 23, 2008

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    July 23. Making It Happen.

    Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 5 days ago

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    June 6. The Gift of Readiness.

    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. —Step Six of Al-Anon We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 6

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    June 1. Directness. We feel safe around direct,

    honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 1

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    July 2. Who Knows Best?

    Others do not know what's best for us. We do not know what's best for others. It is our job to determine what's best for ourselves. "I know what you need." . . . "I know what you should do." . . . "Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now." These...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 2

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    July 14. We Are Lovable.

    "Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay." —Codependent No More Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 14

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    July 8. Going with the Flow.

    Go with the flow. Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe. Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 8

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    July 18. Time to Get Angry.

    It's about time you got angry - yes, that angry. Anger can be such a potent, frightening emotion. It can also be a feeling that guides us to important decisions, sometimes decisions difficult to make. It can signal other people's problems, our problems, or simply problems we...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 18

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    I am a codependent in an 8 year relationship

    with an alcoholic. His son died almost a year ago - his angel day July 12th which has exacerbated his alcohol intake and our arguing. It has been a very difficult time emotionally. I feel like the kicking bag.
    Gracielynn Gracielynn 46-50, F 1 Response Jul 6

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    July 17. Love, in Words

    and Actions. Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about. Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did. We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 17

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    June 20. Relationship Martyrs.

    Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships. We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 20

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    Here Goes Nothing...

    I am a CoDA, there world now you know. Now I know. It's time to make the changes. I want a healthy relationship. I want the lies to myself and those around me to stop. The manipulation. The self loathing. The searching for something and not even knowing what it was I was...
    Lingaloo83 Lingaloo83 26-30 1 Response Feb 7, 2013

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    March 5. Be Who You Are.

    When I meet people or get in a new relationship, I start putting all these repressive restrictions on myself. I can't have my feelings. Can't have my wants and needs. Can't have my history. Can't do the things I want, feel the feelings I'm feeling, or say what I need to say. I...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 5

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    I Admit It

    I try to be independent, I shut out most of my friends, not big on visitors, seek safety in my own compound... and yet somehow I've become codependent on that one. I've done much better at distancing myself from him but there are still times when I just want to lay down and allow...
    mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality 36-40, F 4 Responses Apr 6, 2008

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    July 28. Fear. One day,

    I decided to try something new. I took my ten-year-old son out on the St. Croix River on a Waverunner. A Waverunner is a small boating vehicle resembling a motorcycle. We donned life jackets and embarked on an experience that turned out to be both exhilarating and frightening...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 8 hrs ago

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    July 15. Self-care with Family Members.

    "I was thirty- five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 15

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    July 26. Owning Our Power.

    Don't you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances, and ourselves. We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 2 days ago

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    I Will Do Anything For You. I Need You. :(

      I feel like missing every wonderful happening in my life just to please them. Expectations I had been trying so hard to push myself.  I lost myself.  I lost my identity.  It came to me that I had no idea who I am anymore.  I...
    CallmeCamille CallmeCamille 70+ 2 Responses Sep 13, 2009

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    July 25. Keep at It. Keep practicing your

    recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven't quite taken yet, even if you don't get it yet. Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our mind into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    June 24. Detachment. Detachment doesn't come

    naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment. "The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 24

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    June 4. Trusting God.

    A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake. They found a small lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 4

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    Anyone else feel they get their parents to do

    to much? I used to not work but have been for past couple of years. I don't really do much around the house and outside I get my mum or gran to pay my monthly cheque into the bank for example. I'm not very proactive in getting things sorting out and I am very lazy most days. I...
    lawrencepa lawrencepa 22-25, M 1 Response Mar 13

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    July 11. Bring Any Request to God.

    Bring any request you have to God. No request is too large; none too small or insignificant. How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need. Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day? Do we need help in a particular relationship...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 11

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    Realizing That I'm Codependent

    I'm 39 years old and it wasn't until this past summer that I realized I was codependent. I started therapy in July because my work life and homelife were both in disarray. I knew that I wasn't happy with my situation but I didn't really understand why. Therapy has helped me...
    zachias zachias 36-40, M 1 Response Nov 16, 2013

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    July 27. Letting Go. Stop trying

    so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, and life. Maybe in the past we couldn't trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold. Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, and be...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    July 13. God as We Understand God.

    "God is subtle, but he is not malicious." —Albert Einstein Recovery is an intensely spiritual process that asks us to grow in our understanding of God. Our understanding may have been shaped by early religious experiences or the beliefs of those around us. We may wonder if...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 13

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    July 24. Denial. Denial is a powerful tool.

    Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision. Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    Codependant

    I have a friendship with this fun, good looking, gay man -- but I realized one of the attractions to him is feelings from my past -- I thought at first it was just to people who got each other, but I have realized that its more than that; he knows what buttons to push and I have...
    ayuda ayuda 41-45 2 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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    June 9. Panic. "Few situations - no matter how

    greatly they appear to demand it - can be bettered by us going berserk." —Codependent No More Don't panic! If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under - not because he couldn't...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 9

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    July 12. Letting Go of Fear of Abandonment.

    "Where are you, God? Where did you go?" So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too. There are wondrous days when we feel God's protection and presence, leading and guiding...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 12

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    July 21. Being Is Enough.

    We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why. In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline - it's difficult to have perspective. That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F a week ago

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    Feeling Lost

    I recently broke it off with the man I'd been seeing on and off for two years. I want to be strong and keep away from him as he's not good for me. He's always pushing my buttons. The problem is that he sweet talks me into getting back with him and I fall for it everytime. When we...
    cmcy cmcy 51-55 3 Responses Nov 17, 2008

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    June 12. Spontaneity

    and Fun. Practice being spontaneous. Practice having fun. The joy of recovery is that we finally get to experiment. We get to learn new behaviors, and we don't have to do them perfectly. We only need to find a way that works for us. We even have fun experimenting, learning...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 12

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    July 3. Directness. So much of our

    communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs. Freedom is just a few words...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 3

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    July 22. Learning to Trust Again.

    Many of us have trust issues. Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F 6 days ago

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    I Am A Codie...

    My wife is an alcoholic.  I enabled her.  I helped her by buying the stuff.  The sex was great because she was dulling her pain and could get over it.  Sober she has no desire.  She feels ashamed of herself because of alcohol fueled sexual activities...
    another40 another40 46-50, M 4 Responses May 18, 2010

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    I used to think that codependency meant aiding

    someone in they're addiction; being an enabler. I'm sure as hell not that, but then I found out what it really means, and I sure as hell AM that! I want to fix everyone, I want to do it for you, I want to take care of you. I'm having a hard time letting go of this, but I'm...
    LookingForSoMuchMore LookingForSoMuchMore 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 28

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    July 7. Getting It All Out.

    "Let yourself have a good gripe session." From: " Woman, Sex, and Addiction" —Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 7

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    July 9. Overspending

    and Underspending. "I used to beat my husband to death with my credit card. It made me feel like I had some control, some way to get even with him." —Anonymous "I spent ten years buying everything for myself at garage sales. I didn't even buy myself a new pair of shoes...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 9

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    July 10. Ending Relationships.

    It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 10

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    July 20. Letting Go of Resistance.

    Do not be in such a hurry to move on. Relax. Breathe deeply. Be. Be in harmony today. Be open. There is beauty around and in us today. There is purpose and meaning in today. There is importance in today - not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond. Let today...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 20

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    July 4. Celebrate. Take time to celebrate.

    Celebrate your successes, your growth, and your accomplishments. Celebrate you and who you are. For too long you have been too hard on yourself. Others have spilled their negative energy - their attitudes, beliefs, and pain - on you. It had nothing to do with you! All along...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 4

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    July 6. Step Seven. Humbly asked God to remove

    our shortcomings. —Step Seven of Al-Anon In the Sixth and Seventh Steps of the program, we become willing to let go of our defects of character - issues, behaviors, old feelings, unresolved grief, and beliefs that are blocking us from the joy that is ours. Then we ask God...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 6

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    May 28. Letting Go of Self Doubt.

    A married woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. "I want to separate from my...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F May 28

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    June 14. Letting Go of Timing.

    "When the time is right, child." When the time is right. How often have we heard those words - from a friend, a sponsor, our Higher Power? We want things so badly - that job, that check, a relationship, a possession. We want our life to change. So we wait, sometimes patiently...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 14

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    July 16. Insisting on the Best.

    We deserve the best life and love has to offer, but we are each faced with the challenge of learning to identify what that means in our life. We must each come to grips with our own understanding of what we believe we deserve, what we want, and whether we are receiving it...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 16

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    June 15. Competition Between Martyrs.

    "Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son is an alcoholic, and that's different. That's worse!" My pain is greater than yours! What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 15

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    Oh God , It's True . . . .

    I'm still getting over a ten year relationship involving our children and being married twice to her . It never worked out but we kept trying . All we accomplished was hurting each other and confusing the kids . I can only hope that we have finally ended it at last and the...
    WisestFool WisestFool 41-45, M 5 Responses Sep 7, 2011

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    The symptoms of codependency are

    so broad and widely applicable. The primary symptoms associated with codependency may be people-pleasing behaviors and the need for the validation and approval that comes from caring for and rescuing others. The codependent person may also have poor boundaries, fear being alone...
    Gracielynn Gracielynn 46-50, F Jul 9

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    I lean on the people around me to help me make

    decisions and it's quite unhealthy. Many of my friendships turn into romantic relationships . I'm trying to avoid this but I can't help how comfortable and close I am with some people. I can't be without one of my 2 bestfriends for too long. I don't know what to do with myself...
    Alylovespuppies Alylovespuppies 16-17, F 1 Response Jul 18

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    June 8. Fun. Have some fun - with life,

    with the day. Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom. Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 8

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    July 5. Survivor Guilt.

    We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves. Then it hits. Guilt. Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jul 5

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    June 5. Combating Shame.

    Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet. —Beyond Codependency Watch out for shame. Many systems and people reek of shame. They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them. They may be hoping to hook us and control us...
    zeeva70 zeeva70 41-45, F Jun 5

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