I Am In Bliss While Wearing Nylon Stockings and Heels - Forum & Chat Board | The Woman Within

I see many articles and posts from so many transgendered people as well as blogs and pictures. For me, it has become a dream I will never be able to live out for real! I am getting in my 50;s now and I both hesitated and was in fear of seeking my femininity and actually becoming the woman within! The sad part of this is that for over 30 years I dreamed of being a woman! I have been married for 23 years and then divorced with no kids and married again for 7 years and no kids. My marriages were thwarted from the get go because I was not true to myself and to my first wife before we were married. I kept my feminine life to myself and was able to keep her from knowing it all those years! What happens though is that my moments of expressing my femininity was private and hidden, a secret! It eventually eroded the intimacy in the relationship and then it eventually cost me the relationship! Why didn't I come clean to my wife? FEAR! Fear of rejection, ridicule, fear of losing family and friends and employment! The FEARS controlled me and I paid dearly! Not just because of the loss of my marriage! The lost time of being OUT as a woman and or living part time as a woman among others like me or with a woman who could love that aspect of me! I am remarried and I have been open about my sexuality however, even though I may be able to dress up, I still feel awkward because I feel I was cursed with very masculine looks and and the figure or body if you will of a retired football player or a size 20! I don't mind the size too much .........Well at least if I were a 14!  When I dress in my fashion of choice as a female, I feel a sense of immediate peace wave over my body! A sense of calm and feeling right about who I am. Then I want to apply makeup and I see that face in the mirror and I begin to get uncomfortable! "That's not the face of the woman I know I am!"  "Who is that person really?" On about a dozen occasions I tried to start hormone therapy on my own using a documented regimen that works and is successful however, because I am aging, I could be faced with Thrombosis or clotting in a vein or artery! Not Good! My desire to have real breasts is a priority l The lack of taking action to move forward with who I very well know the woman I am has brought on years of depression, weight gain from inactivity brought on by depression, high blood pressure brought on by the previous and lack of sleep! Now imagine all those problems are actually brought on by my inability to take control of my destiny and live suffering and wallowing in the mire I created for myself. Only because of FEARS! I encourage those who know that they are "Some Other Self" to seek advise or counseling and walk through the door of freedom for your soul and live the life you were meant to live! I always hoped to find a woman who would mentor me and help me become a woman and also be my lover and confidant!   My newest thoughts have been wanting to move back to Santa Cruz CA and having a place and work and do it all as a woman! I miss Santa Cruz and I swear if Someone would hire me as a woman and help me get started I would go back and actually do it!!!    Your Thoughts, Opinions Etc.