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I Am Living With An Adult Child of An Alcoholic

Share your experience with either living with (or living life as) an Adult Child of an Alcoholic 84 People

    Revive The Group?

    I just ran across this group. I am an ACoA and as somebody who identifies with "The Problem" I see a lot of misinformation being put across and a great deal of misunderstanding about the issues involved. But I wonder if I were to post here, would anybody notice? Can I start...
    icDavey icDavey 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    My 5 Years

    Hi to everyone, I was very relieved to see this forum.   For the past five years I have been in a relationship with an ACOA and quite frankly until recently had never heard about the behaviour patterns they exhibit.  When I started reading up on ACOA it was like reading a...
    tmler tmler 26-30, M 6 Responses Jan 4, 2010

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    Just gotten that via Robert Holden: "Here's the

    thing about choosing love in the thick of life, in traffic, when we're tired, when our children scream and leave their shoes behind, in the supermarket, in our closest, most confronting relationships: it's actually not that easy. And here's the thing I've found that helps when...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 20

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    ...and then there are really bad days.

    and no help, and no support, and all you read is stories where nothing became better. and your own anger is bigger than your love. and you don't know anything anymore - maybe you are wrong, maybe they are right. ...be your own best friend. the only way out is through. every dark...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 21

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    Denial

    Denial is the name of the game for my ACOA. We have been separated for 9 months. He "should" know that divorce is inevitable. The last 13 yrs of our 29 yr relationship has been pure hell. He will lose his marriage, his business, his house and his family will be split apart...
    Time2chainj Time2chainj 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 12, 2012

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    I always thought having an ACoA in my life

    breaks my heart over and over.... But I'm unsure now if it breaks my heart or my pride... I just know that when I put my pride aside and I say "I'm here for you, no matter your rages and selfishness and all the things you sometimes tell me, I'm here for you and I love you so...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Oct 7

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    Does anyone here have experience being in a

    relationship with or being married to an Adult Child of Alcoholic? My husband is an acoa and I have only recently realized that a lot of our relationship problems are probably due in part to his chaotic and abusive upbringing with two alcoholic parents. This is all sort of new...
    hangonavocado hangonavocado 31-35, F 4 Responses Dec 30, 2013

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    Meaning "life is only

    for spiritual development and there is no other meaning and I think that's a frighthening thing because we come from a long long tradition that separates our physical life from the spiritual life" Caroline Myss There are so many people that are disconnected, isolated. Each one...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 7

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    "What is needed, rather

    than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." - Jiddu Krishnamurti
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 11

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    Help Me Understand... : )

    A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge...
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 Aug 3, 2011

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    A 'Lizard' from Jesus.... (1:20)

    The song in my head.....  (Listen once...Just because you should.  Listen again while reading...If you read.) The one year anniversary of my separation has passed. Today, I awoke to find my feet mired with unusual gravity. Unable to move forward or fall back. My heart...
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 6 Responses Nov 28, 2011

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    My fiance' is an ACOA.

    When we first started dating I was in heaven. He was attentive, fun, affectionate and so easy to be around. I was in awe. I couldn't believe I had finally found the love of my life. We've been together now for 9mths and it's been in the last 4mths that I've really noticed a...
    Kia76 Kia76 36-40, F 2 Responses May 6

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    I'm The Acoa

    Hi everyone,I'm the ACO(violent)A with trust issues and I'm looking for advice from those who have dated, or are dating, ACOAs.Dating in general frightens me, although I'm really looking forward to meeting "Mr. Right" and raising a happy family.One thing I tend to do, with...
    CarchariousCarcharadon CarchariousCarcharadon 22-25, F 4 Responses Jan 5, 2011

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    Down The Rabbit Hole

    My marriage of twelve years to an ACOA/codependent/boderline came to an end last year when I discovered her nasty monstrous secret she had hoped I would never find out. After the birth of our second child in 2006, her true colors began to show and it was just a matter of time...
    tmjwuwei tmjwuwei 41-45 2 Responses Jul 2, 2012

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    Just Some Things...

    “We are not bad people trying to get good, just sick people trying to get well.” Just some things that moved me while trying to understand. ....and my songs to her
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 2 Responses Nov 26, 2011

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    "Whenever you are considering throwing in the

    towel, remember that just creates more laundry." Have no idea who said that. For all those having a bad day - it does get better. Once you stop blaming others for how you feel, it gets worse. Once you are letting yourself feel it gets unbearable. Then emotions do what they are...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Aug 18

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    How To Cope With My Boyfriend's Periods Of Isolation

     I'm so happy I found this website because I've been at a loss for what to do about my current situation with my boyfriend. I have been dating him for 6 months and he is an adult child of an alcoholic. His mother drinks almost every night, can become violent, and has...
    texaslove1721 texaslove1721 18-21, F 7 Responses Jan 27, 2010

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    Trying To Change For Her

    Hello,Just looking for some insight. I am engaged to a wonderful woman who happens to be an ACOA. Im trying to understand and be as supportive as I possibly can but it seems like its never ever good enough. I am working really hard to support the both of us and am most of the...
    gearsrsticking gearsrsticking 31-35 3 Responses Aug 18, 2012

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    Acoa Fortress??

    I found this in the EP group called "I Build Walls Around My Heart “ written by AzoruAn ancient Chinese emperor sits on his throne after his daily security check. His fortress is build like a labyrinth, littered with infantry highly trained swordsmen’s, units of Calvary, and...
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 Feb 8, 2012

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    It is an article about autism

    and it is adressed to the parents of autistic kids but it has so much valid advice that I decided to share it unmodified. To the people wondering why I post things from ACoA books - well that is because 1) there are hardly any and out of those few there are hardly any really...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Oct 14

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    If you have an ACoA in your life,

    learning about and taking care of YOUR emotions is always a good idea. The following is adapted from L. Markham "Are your feelings dangerous? Never. But most of us are afraid of our strong feelings. And we're afraid of other people's emotions. Why? Because the power of our...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Oct 9

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    Welcome!

    Hello all! I created this group because this topic is very close to me. I am in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman who is also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA). Through all of the research I have done on ACOA, there is virtually nothing written on those of...
    MedianStrip MedianStrip 26-30, M 3 Responses Apr 16, 2009

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    I Was Told, But Didn't Listen

    I am married to a 44 year old AcOa...a child of alcoholism on both sides of his family. His father was a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic...more the latter than the former. His mother is an AcOa herself. When I was dating my husband, I went to an Alanon meeting...
    ainmama2001 ainmama2001 41-45, F 1 Response Sep 30, 2013

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    "Sometimes, I need to be right" Living with my

    father who is ACoA is a constant doubt about my thoughts, feelings, actions; constant doubt about what is reality. Yesterday, my mom was showing to him some old pants, she thought they were green; my father says they are blue; my mother doubtfully needed another opinion so she...
    cureav cureav 31-35, M 2 Responses Sep 17

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    My Experience ( Sorry So Long)

    I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half now. For the most part, we have a great relationship. We are absolute best friends, and I love my life with her. She and I come from very different backgrounds, and sometimes our different life...
    MedianStrip MedianStrip 26-30, M 6 Responses Apr 16, 2009

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    My, former life, w an ACoA,

    has added "cold indifference" into my coping toolbox. I deeply regret this.........
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 Oct 6

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    Just now starting to realize how little

    information is out there about ACoA. The characteristics of an ACoA are virtually everywhere - but everything seems to stop with them. It's like we have named the problem therefore we have dealt with it. The books are not that multuple as well. There are a few. And again they...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 30

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    I Give Up

    I m an ACOA, and I give up. I think it is probably best if I stay out of intimate relationships altogether. I don t really understand them, I don t understand what hurts people and what doesn t or why it does. I m not sure if this is to do with being an ACOA, but I guess it...
    21again45 21again45 31-35 2 Responses Oct 5, 2013

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    Until now, I have felt completely lost

    when it comes to understanding certain aspects of my significant other. We are in a committed, long-term relationship, and I love and care for him so deeply. He's recently taken the step to keep a job in the city where I work, in large part so we can maintain our relationship...
    nic225 nic225 22-25, F 3 Responses Aug 27

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    I just got married to an ACOA in June.

    Although we've had our share of communication issues during the years that we dated, it escalated exponentionally as soon as we said "I do." In fact, I didn't even know he was ACOA until after we married and he confessed it to me one night. He's been told by multiple therapists...
    lagoonsoverflamingo lagoonsoverflamingo 26-30 3 Responses Jan 6

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    I've been married for 7 years to an ACOA

    and recovering alcoholic. The issues were hidden for a long time, even his alcoholism was only truly realized about 3 years ago. As soon as he identified his addiction, he stopped drinking and has been sober for 3 years. It didn't get any easier, in fact things were worse. He...
    tejpreet9 tejpreet9 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 25

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    Somebody here wrote that we are all

    so very disconnected. It really makes no difference if you are an ACoA or not. I guess not AcoAs are just better at faking being connected than ACoAs. That is part of the problem with having ACoAs - "normal" society does not like any reminders of its own isolation. Somebody...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Oct 18

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    I really believed when I came here

    that this group (and some related others) are for people who have an ACoA loved one so they could share their story and be understood and given hope and help each other undestand their loved ones better and to make progress. Yes my brother is an ACoA. Yes he checks out, yes he...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M 1 Response Aug 26

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    The Fog Is Lifting

    For all those out there that come from functional healthy family backgrounds but unfortunately got involved with or married an ACOA/Codependent, this is my rollercoaster ride of dysfunction, disease, confusion and pain. Trying to have a functional relationship with a...
    tmjwuwei tmjwuwei 41-45 6 Responses Aug 23, 2012

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    Resource For Spouses Of Acoa

    I am in my 40's, and just started dating an ACOA. We hit it off pretty quickly, and on our 2nd date, she let me know that alcoholism ran in her family, and that she is a recovering alcoholic (9 years sober). Side note: I here there is a joke about how you can tell two alcoholics...
    gsee60606 gsee60606 22-25, M 8 Responses Jan 28, 2010

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    I recently started dating an ACOA

    and I was hoping some more experienced people could give me tips on how best to interact with him. I myself manage depression so it is difficult for me to understand his needs. Thank you :)
    Chiaramiren Chiaramiren 22-25, F 1 Response Jan 27

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    So.... s*** happens. Sometimes people make

    mistakes. Huge ones. Sometimes they get into things you've hated your whole life and fought against. And now it's part of your loved ones lives. Part of your life. In other words, sometimes all is great. Just fabuluos. You've made progress. Life is amazing. And then the s...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M 1 Response Aug 21

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    The worst about any relashionship

    that truly matters is the pain it brings up. If the pain was not there already there would not be much to bring up, but it's there and it sucks to deal with it, to feel it, to let it heal. I'd rather blame someone else than feel it. I'd rather be agnry. I'd rather point a finger...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Aug 17

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    I Have A Question....

    “I have a question. IF the ACOA gets help, possibly goes through a 12 step program and gets a little better (?) do they then leave the broken and damaged person that they were married to behind? The one that was healthy before the ACOA destroyed them... “cntrgrl The answer is...
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 6 Responses Apr 8, 2012

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    Where there is no love,

    put love and you will find love. - St John of Cross
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 6

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    Caroline Myss 'Why People Don't Heal".

    You can find it on youtube. This woman is amazing. Why we can't heal? We can't heal because we don't want to heal. This is not about our ACoA. This is about us. They trigger us because we are wounded. We react to what they do because we like and want to walllow in our wounds. We...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Aug 30

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    9 Years Of Life With A Acoa

    I dated a guy for over a year.  He was loving and tender and funny, but wasn't perfect.  Then again, who is?   Two weeks after being married he changed.  So for 9 years I have been his yo you.  He is hot or cold to me.  Has had 2 affairs and...
    cntrgrl cntrgrl 51-55 9 Responses Mar 25, 2010

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    'If You Love Someone with Alcoholic Parents'

    It's a great article by a blogger Amy Eden and all credit goes to her, absolutely, I don't mean to steal it, just to share because it is very helpful. I would have posted a link but I am not sure about rules here and I don't want to be banned. "This post is for people who love...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 6

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    The Face Of Acoa......

    So others can understand.......
    1GR81 1GR81 46-50 2 Responses Sep 19, 2013

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    How Do I Deal With An Acoa?

    I don't know how this can be brief....I'm struggling with how I should behave with my boyfriend.  He is 48 (I am 35) and is an Adult Child of a brutally abusive and neglectful Alcoholic father.  His father was a high powered lawyer in a big city, who was an extreme alcoholic...
    b429steph b429steph 31-35 10 Responses Sep 17, 2011

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    yes you have to be strong

    for two. except for the days you are totally hopeless. then you have to be strong for four.
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 14

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    Relationship With An Adult Child of An Alcoholic.

     Hi there... My boyfriend's mother is a raging alcoholic and has been for most of her life.   His Dad is a really sweet guy, totally addicted to marijuana, and seems to attract people with addiction problems.   So, he comes from this pretty stereotypical...
    FlyingNinjas FlyingNinjas 26-30, F 11 Responses Jul 6, 2009

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    Living With Coa

        I am 24 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. He is 43. We have lived together for the past 3 months. We are both madly in love with each other and care about each other a great deal. He is an adult child of an alcoholic. He doesn't talk about it...
    lanah101 lanah101 22-25 2 Responses Aug 16, 2010

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    "You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’

    unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” – Jessica, age 8 I've read quite a few people say something along the lines of "if I have an AcoA in my life means I have to give up on my dreams and that I have to be the one doing all the...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Sep 23

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    Note to self: live what you preach baby.

    What do you think? Was too tired, too sick, too many worries, and kept thinking that I will feel my emotions and do yoga and take care of myself... right, just a lil later. He is hurting horribly, he was pushing alll my buttons with all the ways he knew how and today he finally...
    rtvbvfde rtvbvfde 26-30, M Aug 30

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    Related Experiences

    I am a 25 year old single mom living with my mother. I hate it. My mother has always been a very hovering, controlling, very fearful mother. She has always dictated and made...
    squeenana squeenana 22-25, F Oct 3

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    I have been living with a younger man for some time now (about 2.5 years). There is a 20+ age difference between us. I feel we are kindred spirits, who have known each other...
    Snow827 Snow827 36-40, F 2 Responses Oct 9

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    The typical drunk routine started. I said something that offended him, he stormed off after making ridiculously dramatic comments (I'm going to take the dog and go and live on my...
    atatt atatt 26-30, F 1 Response Oct 20

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