I am a 22 year old male, soon to be 23. Its the Christmas holidays, the only time I get off in the year, it should also be the best time of the year, but I don't feel any joy.
I have been in a terrible state since I hit my teens. It was then that I suffered from anxiety, depression, loss of emotion, loneliness and an illness that has yet to be diagnosed after countless trips to the doctors. I don't have any friends, not even a single person to speak to online, and I have never had a relationship with the opposite sex, I'm barely exchange more than a few words with them over my life. I don't feel any connection with the world, if there was nothing outside my room but empty space, it would make no difference. I feel sadness, lonely and a huge drive to find a partner, or at least a friend, it eats away at me at all hours, but apart from those few painful emotions all I feel is blank. I used to feel excitement, entertainment and laugh now and then but I have not felt those emotions in a few years.
I don't go out much because I don't feel the want to do anything, depression, dislike of myself, and because of my illness. I have some sort of issues with my digestive system and I feel sick and have torso pains all the time, I have tried to pinpoint foods that may make it worse without success. Now that I have been sick for so long and have had the illness make the few outings I go on a horrible stressful time, I now get anxious whenever I go out, making the illness 10 times worse, and so I try to never go out, only for things that i must do, such as work.
I have no idea how to socialize, I guess because of the fact I have never had a social life I am socially stunted. I feel a need to be with somebody, to talk to somebody, but in the few opportunities I have had to talk to people online, on a dating site for example, I just don't know what to say and people don't wish to speak with me. I don't know how to communicate.
The only way I have made it this far is through escapism, I spend every minute that I am not at work playing video games, watching movies, tv shows, reading etc. It doesn't work as well anymore, but its all that I can do to pass the time.
I don't watch/play/read anything adult as I don't know anything about sexuality, but since I am Hetero and have a want for love it means anything adult give me horrible feelings of jealousy and depression, it makes me think about all the things I try to repress with escapism. Maybe I am still 13 at heart with the little changes and experiences I have had since then.
I don't know why I have never had the chance to be with or even near a woman, they just seem too demanding. While males are usually quite easy going, females won't speak with just any guy because you have to go through some huge process that I don't know how to pass before they presumably become friendly.
I am completely removed from life, work, savings, hobbies, it means nothing to me. I cannot understand them and I cannot enjoy anything. The only thing that makes me feel emotion, apart from sadness, is the urge to be with other beings of my race - fellow human beings. I don't think its possible to live life alone. I'm a messed up, poorly, ugly, zombie of a person, but I still need to be able to be with people, to talk to them, touch them, be in their company, but I know it will never happen. I don't think I have ever really had a conversation before, one of enjoyment. I have never hugged anyone before, or know what a kiss feels like.
I feel I am loosing the plot and going crazy. I used to joke that I won't find love or friendship, like some unknown force is stopping me, but now I think I may be beginning to believe it. Its hard to explain, but all of my social experiences in real life (few as they may be), all of the times I have tried to find any kind of contact on social networking and dating sites on the internet, they have all failed in abrupt ways. High school was the worst for that, I was always left out and ignored. I envy people who enjoyed high school.
To give an example of recent times, my cousin meets people that he speaks to on dating sites all the time. The few people that speak to me on dating sites always stop speaking to me in a snap, even if things appear to be going alright. A lot of them even delete their accounts after speaking to me. This has happened every single time. It really begins to get in your head, that your trying something that can't be done. Its so sad that I expect them to delete their accounts, and then it happens and I expect to be surprised, but I just knew it would happen. I know I can't speak to anyone.
The only option I have is to go out and try to talk to strangers, but being shy, ugly, and very ill, and majorly depressed, it won't work, I know from previous social situations.
I can't live like this anymore, doing nothing but work and playing video games, and enjoying none of it. I feel so very alone, and so deeply depressed, and so void of humanity. I may have a lot of years to live though yet, and I can't go another year like this without loosing my mind.
The worst part is having normal people judge me, they can never know how I feel, and I will never know what its like to be them, I just don't belong.
Please, What do I do?