I Am Not Okay

The hardest thing for me to admit to myself, to my friends, and even to people that I don't know, is that I am not okay. I want so badly to appear strong all the time, and like I can handle just about anything that life throws my way. I...

I'm really not okay. I try to be. I work hard to improve myself and to try to make my life better. To panic less. To handle life more. Not to fall into a deep depression over outside influences I can not control. But it's hard. I have...

I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay, and FUCK I AM NOT OKAY!!
And fuck you people for not caring.  Fuck my friends, my family.
And fuck me, for pretending like they...

I've been plagued by depression for nearly five years; the stress sometimes interferes with me trying to function. But that's not why I'm upset with God.

I'm upset with God, because my Grandma died a couple weeks ago.
And because my...

you know..you know when people lie..
you know..you know when people change...
you know but you don't know why..
in a sudden they begin to act strange..
you know..you know when you cry..
they pretend like they really care..
you know but...

the first time i was in therapy i must have been about 6 years old. i was being treated for depression, night terrors and sleep walking, well running in my case.

therapy was almost a constant til i was about 16 or 17. depression...

I seem happy.. and I'm not faking it, it's just my personality to be bubbly and bouncy, and singing and being aloof.. and unfocused, and looking generally blissful. Then I go home and cry because of how frustrating my life is. I have...

Nightmares, medications, hospitalizations, overdoses, group homes. i will never be okay..........just one more cog messing with the gears. I go around and around and get nowhere except where I began from.