I am still searching for my niche again.
At times it all stills feels overwhelming, but I move on through the days. I know I could be -or maybe should be getting over or at least through it but things just keep reminding me of the past. I can't move on to the future just yet. I cling to it, and the memory of what was not meant to be. At this time (fill in the black) should be happening. I remember to many things and that is now a fault- no longer a positive quality.
This has been the worst month ever- the emotional pain and surgery, school, the other unexpected drama, school beginning, hurricanes. I feel like it is just one thing after another- bam, bam, bam. I need a break. I don't know if a vacation could help me, with the lack of work these days I am not likely to find out soon.
I feel stuck. I find normal things becoming not so normal. Everything is either black or white. Where did the grey go? There is the fog and the rain -both real and imagined. It keeps pouring down on me.
I am no longer centered. I need more time, dedication, and candles. Everything is sideways and when I lay down to put it in prospective it doesn't help. I could see that becoming a issue so I am up. Gravity is pushing on me but I won't let it weigh me down.
I can only move on. Continue doing my best and hope the rest of me catches up sometime, somehow.
Ever feel overwhelmed?
Today I found a box.
I don't like routine changes and it seems they are happening all around me now. Sitting in unfamiliar places and waiting. Looking at the past another place I had to leave. In the dark and quite. Old music, same surroundings.
You never know what is going to happen- but you really do. Deep down you know.
My things are in the box, because they can be.
Really the government is what is keeping me there. My social conscious mind is screaming YOU CAN DO MORE!...I can and I do but it goes unnoticed.
Over looked, under appreciated, no funding, boredom, a ended road without a fork, and sadness....a tiresome future and underestimated potential. How did I become invisible?
This is not about the miscarriage situation or life even- I am now hopeful about those things....I want this to turn around to, it has to. I don't have another immediate plan.
My box is ready, but I am not....yet.
How far can you go down before they go from stepping to stomping?
Plus there is more.
I discovered I am ultimately underestimated at my job, that is what the reference up there is about. I have been there for 8 years and when I was in the hospital they gave me a hard time about having time off (even though I had vacation days). I didn't get a card and my boss still has not ask how I am doing. I would think being a 'christian' school someone would have at least offered to 'pray for me'- but nope.
I also found out that a lot of people who have worked there as long as me are getting paid more. I am going to school for another career but have years before I am done.
There is also a fellony drug charge situation going on- not for me- but for someone close to me.
I want to cry but tears wont come out.