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I Am Self Destructive

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,052 People

    It Makes Me Feel Good

    well,when my feelings of strong loneliness,betrayal,pain,helplessness and PARANOIA get me,i feel such a strong need for drinking,trying new drugs,isolation and cigarettes..i cut my arms because i don't know how to handle those mixed feelings..i always start fights with my friends...
    wilddarksick wilddarksick 18-21, F 1 Response Aug 31, 2010

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    I'm my biggest enemy.

    There isn't a time when I'm not trying to self destruct unless my friends are stopping me...
    leaguegirl97 leaguegirl97 16-17, F Nov 15

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    I left my box cutter at work

    for a co-worker....it is not the only means I have to cut myself with... ...What is wrong with me?.. "It's a silent murder, the grave that sings your song." ....my grave sings for me this night....I want to be cold in the ground, immobile, unfeeling...but I cannot...I will not...
    SunnysBlueForever SunnysBlueForever 18-21, F Mar 17

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    Why

    I just always set myself up for failure in everything I do. In school I just don't work hard enough and then I wonder why my grades are low. I try to fix "broken guys", which always ends in tears. I wait for my grandma to call me after not talking to her in a year. I...
    finalegirl15 finalegirl15 16-18, F 3 Responses Dec 16, 2007

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    My boyfriend who I thought I was going to spend

    the rest of my life with left me. We lived together, slept with each other every night. Took baths with each other made dinner for each other. He got me a ring and said he promises to be with me forever. My heart is broken: he said the relationship is not something he wants. He...
    Mangocupcakes Mangocupcakes 16-17, F Sep 14

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    I don't know what it is,

    but I do these things that I know have bad consequences. How could they turn out well? And then I try to absolve myself of guilt afterwards all the while feeling self-destructive in my bones.
    Jenuinely Jenuinely 18-21, F 2 Responses Feb 13

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    My Self Destruction

    Around 2000 I had a major self destruction. I was attending a great university and I kept having issues with my father. He always put so much pressure on me to be perfect and would always threaten me if I didnt meet up to his expectations. I would get these threats about 3 times...
    Silver01ta Silver01ta 31-35, M 1 Response Apr 14, 2008

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    When I was younger and reality was too much to

    handle and I was too upset to know what to do with myself,I'd freakout and bash my head on walls.I think all the trauma is starting to catch up with me. I get lost in my head from time to time and forget things or make the wrong decision.I know what the right answer is but I do...
    KindaCrazy KindaCrazy 18-21, F Dec 4, 2013

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    Never Ending Cycle...

    First I blame other people for how they made me feel.... Then I feel stupid and start creating random problems that don't even exist due to my depression and I blame myself for everything, for f***ing my life up and making myself this way so I punish myself by cutting or not...
    ElliePhantomhive ElliePhantomhive 13-15, F Jun 12, 2013

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    I want to crush my own head.

    Or stab my heart. Or jump from a skyscraper. I hate myself. I am useless. I can't do things I should do. I don't want to be here, but I am also not sure what I really want. I can't just leave and hurt people, but I can't find a win-win solution. I am so stupid. No, I've made no...
    Laluna29 Laluna29 70+ 1 Response May 27

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    I feel like I am incapable of letting myself to

    be truly happy. I need to be perfect, I need to always do the right thing -and if I don't, I get anxious. I feel like I don't deserve to feel pleasure and enjoyment. I don't deserve to be happy. So most of the time I only have "emptiness" or "sadness" inside me. It sucks. But I...
    Laluna29 Laluna29 70+ 1 Response Oct 10

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    I am destructive. Everything I care about I

    destroy. I seem like answer understanding person but in the end I am only pain and suffering. Don't bother with me. Don't trust me- don't even love me. I will ruin you-us-this. And you will wish you never met me.
    Mangocupcakes Mangocupcakes 16-17, F Aug 13

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    I've been cutting for three years now

    and I feel so lost. I beat myself up beause I know I am not worth it at all and I just want I curl up and throw myself out of a window. I'm scared
    lllie lllie 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 27

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    It Has Always Been So Normal To Me.

    Since I was a little 5 year old child. It started as simple nail biting, which then developed into skin biting. Gross, sort of. In some years, I managed to stop it - I didnt want to end like my father, half of his nails chewed off forever - but the minor destructive behavior was...
    DionStrifer DionStrifer 13-15 Sep 22, 2012

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    With Tear In Her Eyes She Said

    I just took five pills sean I might take more Im not going to feel good tomorrow sean Maybe you wont do this to me anymore I doubt it though You dont care how I feel you dont care that I took those pills You don't care at all I thought we battled with the same emotional...
    YoucancallmeJuliet YoucancallmeJuliet 26-30, F Oct 27, 2011

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    sometimes i ask myself

    why im enjoying doing bad things , why i cant control myself and take good decesions ....
    AlbertOlami1 AlbertOlami1 18-21, M Mar 27

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    So Many Times

    for years i have battled with reckless,destructive and addictive behaviour im not sure why i do it,but i will do something so stupid or fuckd upand feel low about it+then do something to numb the painit can be a vicious cycleits almost like there is something in my mind saying...
    geekoftheweek geekoftheweek 26-30, F 1 Response May 22, 2012

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    Relapse

    I thought i had stopped. I was clean for a year and a half. But in the last two weeks i have self harmed more than 20 times. But what can i say, the blade is my worst ennemy, it's my best friend. I use it when i feel no more alive than a rag doll. It makes me feel relief. But...
    hippiegirlxox hippiegirlxox 18-21, F Oct 31, 2012

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    I trick myself into thinking nobody likes me

    and then because of that I act weird and thus nobody likes me
    hebr0 hebr0 18-21, F 2 Responses Aug 15

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    My Story

    It all started when I was just 3 years old, when my dad left home, fortunately he didn’t leave forever like some other fathers do… Until I turned 7 we had a lot of contact. He lived near us, and every very weekend I got to see him and spend time with him, I remember how happy...
    AnotherFuckingBlogger AnotherFuckingBlogger 22-25 Aug 30, 2012

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    Nexus of Crisis...origin of Storms

    i think this suicidal streak runs in my family. I dont think im mentally ill or disturbed....im a genius and im misunderstood. Family doesnt appreciate isolation or reflectig...thus im the outcast. ha! i pop pills...smoke weed...though thats recreational not destructive. I fall...
    jackass jackass 18-21, F 1 Response Dec 25, 2007

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    Self Destructive

    I think i hurt myself in to many ways its hard to explain...I hate growing up in a ****** *** life..with no one believeing me..No one to trust and no one to care for me..its like i am in a shelter of a **** hole... I mean its like i was abused by my own mother in past and now...
    Tazz917 Tazz917 18-21, F 1 Response Sep 29, 2012

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    And I just realized it.

    I've been self-sabotaging my relationships, career, health, and happiness all along - and for completely selfish reasons.
    boneknuckleskin boneknuckleskin 26-30, M Feb 25

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    Time-bomb

    I'm a ticking time-bomb at times.... a self-destructive mess, set on maximum damage infliction, but only to myself i fear..... I don' t know what it is... or why I do it, but I do...... usually as a pre-emtive strike, a form of rejection before I am rejected.  I know its a form...
    lostlittlefirefly lostlittlefirefly 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 11, 2012

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    22 And I'm Shutting Down.

    I'm not new to EP, just a new account. I thought I would start over and see how I differ from a few years back. The fact is, there's not much of a difference. I am self destructive in many ways. I'm a bulimic. I really hate my body. I really love food. I really hate my...
    ashleynw90 ashleynw90 22-25, F 1 Response Sep 20, 2012

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    Drinking

    I don't drink alcohol very often, and I don't consider myself alcoholic. I do enjoy the occasional drink, but I don't crave it. Except, "occasional drink" is a bit of an understatement. See, whenever I am with friends on a night out, I either have to have nothing to drink at...
    Emptysoul30 Emptysoul30 22-25, M 10 Responses Apr 21, 2010

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    Cutting Myself Down

    It's a mode of negativity that my mind gets into. I put myself down so that when someone else does it it won't hurt as bad. The reality is that I'm screwing myself over. I ruin myself by doing this. Mental harm sometimes progresses to physical harm. I can see now just how bad...
    McDreamy McDreamy 16-18, M 1 Response Jan 23, 2008

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    Pain.

    I wear long sleeves. Mostly sweaters and jackets to hide them, my battle scars. Why do you self-harm? I do it to feel something. I am so used to being let down that i want to feel something. When you're let down you're numb right? Or is that just me? They started off small...
    gurotik gurotik 18-21, F Nov 10, 2013

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    Self Harm

    Pretty self explanatory really.
    anonymousme anonymousme 21-25, F 5 Responses Sep 5, 2007

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    Hollow, I fall.

    Sometimes I just feel such emptiness, so hollow, so dark. I might be saying "Hello how are you" but I really mean "I'm empty and hollow, how are you ?". When I'm feeling this way, there's seems no point in trying to be positive or hopeful but rather my mind just justifies me...
    frankiegee frankiegee 46-50, M 2 Responses Mar 14, 2013

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    Self Destruct Button

    Sometimes,I wonder,What it would be like,A self destruct button,Pushing it,Waiting to see,What happens next,What if it works?What if it don't?Perhaps,I'll never know,I'm not that silly,Oh ****,Just pushed the button!
    lazycrazybasket lazycrazybasket 46-50, M Dec 22, 2011

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    Very

    I am very self-destructive...I even have a self-destruct button, and I hit it ocassionally, doing some pretty severe damage to myself. I need to throw that ****** away, and get one that doesn't harm me, but helps me.
    deleted deleted 26-30 Apr 22, 2013

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    Liar Bulimic Thief Cheater

    Why do I constantly try to ruin my life. It feels like I'm in control and it makes me feel good to physically destroy myself.... I have an amazing boyfriend family and friends... Yet I have pushed everyone away.... Lying, cheating. Now I'm starting to recover from bulimia I see...
    PoisonedBelle PoisonedBelle 22-25, F Sep 9, 2013

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    Scars

    Before I was put on medication, I was going through a very hard time trying to control my emotions. Every time I look at my arm, I am reminded of the time when i took scissors and cut three 2 -inch deep gashes into my arm. I remember just watching blood, and feeling so calm. My...
    holysantorinis holysantorinis 16-17 1 Response Aug 14, 2012

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    I am no longer okay. Again.

    I had a major break down today. I think it might’ve been an anxiety attack. It was really bad. I cried and cried. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like there was someone pushing down on my chest. I couldn’t take a full breath. I felt my skin go cold then warm and I felt chills...
    WinterUnicorn WinterUnicorn 18-21, F 1 Response Mar 16

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    It's Frustrating When People Don't Understand

    In my boyfriend's mind breaking bones is better than cutting because it leaves no outward marks. Thankfully he doesn't try to change me. My best friend pities me because she says that I must feel so much worse than her to be driven to carve up my own skin. How do I explain that...
    beatrixrose beatrixrose 22-25, F 2 Responses Dec 7, 2007

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    Through and Through

    I am told this, even when I don't see it in myself.  I was told by someone close to me the other day that they know that I am feeling unfulfilled in my career at present and I asked how, and they responded that it was due to my self destructive behaviour- that once my job...
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jul 31, 2008

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    Despair

    Despair My hatred breeds stronger. A claim about wanting to be friends. Why? I already was your friend, your soul mate. most people confuse sou mate with lover. Maybe I did, you never did. In the end, you did, and I didn't. I imagined I was a good friend. I made the...
    worknplayhard13 worknplayhard13 36-40, M Sep 18, 2012

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    Fell Back Into The Habit

    Well...today I broke my clean streak of cutting. I was 2 years and 5 months clean. I would always feel the urge to do it, but I always talked myself back out of it. And I got help for it when I first stopped. But today...I just felt overwhelmed and I broke down. I am not proud of...
    ladidoddy ladidoddy 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 25, 2012

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    I'm afraid of what I've become.

    I don't know who I am anymore. I'm confused. Depression has become my life, I wouldn't know how to live without it. I have destroyed myself with depression, I let it take over me. I have lost my excitement in things, I stopped believing in people and I don't want to believe...
    Allaloneandpoisoned Allaloneandpoisoned 22-25, F Sep 11

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    I am very self destructive.

    I eat too much...or used to...used to cut myself, had sex with numerous people & didn't know most of them...didn't really care at the time. I gamble too much (that would be great if I had the money to do so or if I was winning money, but I'm not). Luckily I never started...
    RubyLane RubyLane 41-45, F Sep 23

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    I have a boy friend I've only been with him

    for a little while. But I fell head over heels in love with him. And I always somehow manage to hurt him.....I don't mean to. I love him i do. But I have trust issues and intimacy issues. And every guy in my life that has ever told me they love me had left me. Or hurt me. Or...
    Innocentangel69 Innocentangel69 13-15, F 3 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    Destroy To Create

    Ever since I was a little girl, I have been self-destructive. In grade 3 I began to lie constantly, and it did not stop until I hit rock bottom a month ago. I have just recently found out that I have obsessive compulsive lying disorder. If that weren't enough to ruin every decent...
    BornofAshes BornofAshes 18-21, F 2 Responses Aug 18, 2012

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    Related Experiences

    When I screw up I feel hatred towards myself, I have to fight off those self hate words. When I am rejected by a guy-- and only by a guy I like-- I feel anger and wish to hurt them...
    Sleepydwarf Sleepydwarf 46-50, F 5 days ago

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    im done with saying i might, maybe , should i the breaking point is 1 thing away. if one more bad thing happens then yes i will self harm. it is sad thinking that by the 30 th i...
    alysia28 alysia28 13-15, F 1 Response 31 mins ago

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    Thank god I'm self employed. sure, it's difficult some times, stressful, exhausting... but I'm free . I take my daughters to kindergarten at ease, make my supper, listen to my...
    gerryowen gerryowen 31-35, M 1 hr ago

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    Self esteem issues are real! In fact they are more real now, than they have ever been! Living in a society obsessed by Image! Image! Image!, a society where the world is at the tip...
    pristee88 pristee88 22-25, F Dec 2

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    I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I AM GOING TO GO ON A SELF-HATING MARATHON... I AM GOING TO NOT BATHE OR BRUSH MY TEETH FOR A WEEK, UNLESS I HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE BECAUSE I AM UGLY AND...
    ONESTARRYSTARRYNIGHT ONESTARRYSTARRYNIGHT 26-30, F 2 Responses Dec 8

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    WHEN you focus/Are focused ON SELF, it is the Natural progression To Become INDIFFERENT. Indifference "may seem" harmless, UNTIL -One Day - AFTER a lifetime of it You WAKE UP from...
    desireindisguise desireindisguise 56-60 Nov 20

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    I wrote a poem to try and figure out how I feel about my self sometimes and this is what came out. I apologize for it being so long. My Many Faces By Lindsey Burkholder I have...
    beautybehindthefat beautybehindthefat 18-21, F Nov 22

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