I Am The Other Woman Forum & Chat Board | Feelings toward the wife

I often read here that you guys feel guilty and apologetic to your MM's wives... Do any of you guys not feel sorry?

In a way to probably justify my relationship with my MM I've gotten into the mindset, "I don't feel sorry for her. She ignored signs and didn't confront him." I feel that if I truly felt sorry, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him to begin with.

A year ago, I fooled around with a friend who was married, I didn't have any feelings for him, but we still did manage to have a one-time affair. For years he flirted with me, as I brought up, "but what about your wife?" and she actually kind of "stalked" me online, finding my friends and asking about me... never confronted me or him, so I had the same mentality, "I don't feel bad, she knew what was going on." This year, she finally confronted me, and was EXTREMELY gracious and grateful I was honest with her. Suddenly I did feel tons of regret toward her. I regretted what had happened already, just because I wasn't into my friend like that, and it just made unbalanced our friendship. But I never felt bad until his wife told me how confused and sad she was. Also, the fact that she said she wasn't mad at me, didn't blame me, only him because it was him who broke his vow to her and cheated on her.

I never apologized. I always think about the movie Living Out Loud when Holly Hunter's husband's mistress stops her to apologize for stealing her husband away and how bad she feels about it... ugh. It looked and sounded so pathetic. I just can't see myself ever saying, "hey, sorry I stole your husband."

Now my current situation, the MM I actually am in love with and feel so effing strongly for... the idea of his wife confronting me makes me feel so sick, because I'm afraid I'll start feeling regret or feeling sorry for having gotten involved with her husband, even if he was unhappy, he was still married to her.

I don't feel sorry for his wife.  He said she is controlling and materialistic.  He's worked hard their entire marriage and she's never worked; just spent his money.  It is ironic though, everytime I feel superior because I'm younger, and more attractive and "have" him; I realize I am the big fool because she is the one not working, spending his money, living with him, sleeping with him, etc.  I finally saw a picture of her (on one of his kid's Facebook accounts) and the two of them were posing together on a trip, smiling.  Maybe they aren't happy as he says, but...there are two sides to every story and men tend to lie, especially when a chance to have sex.

The wife knows I exist now.  So far he says she is not suspicious, but she did ask a lot of questions about me after seeing my picture at a company outing.  I had his name for office secret santa and got him tickets to an event he really wanted to go to.  She was surprised that I, as a coworker, knew what he liked.  The fact that I am 18 years younger and attractive has raised her suspicion.  He tells me if she gets too suspicious he will call it off.

So there you go.  Clearly we can all see where I stand with him.  Yet I continue.

I just joined this group because for the past two months, I've been involved with an older, married guy that I am falling in love with. 



I'll be frank. I work in the adult entertainment industry, and so in so many ways, I've always BEEN the 'other woman' so to speak...the one that catered to men's fantasies and dreams, the one whom they would never marry but were happy to look at on stage, in a magazine, in an adult personals ad.

And ironically, my own father had an affair with a woman that lasted for almost twenty years.





Do I feel sorry for the wife? Not really. You see, as terrible as this might sound, the reason men have affairs ( I'm not talking about just a one-night thing here) is that their own needs are not being met at home by their wife. Does this make it 'right' for them or for me to be together? No. But I have my own reasons for being with a married guy...mostly because I'm too independent to ever get married or have a 'traditional' boyfriend. I enjoy my space, I love my privacy.

I saw that my mother could be a depressing and childish person and that my father sought something different personality-wise and lookswise than her.  My mother was in denial and as a young girl and teenager, I simply couldn't respect that.  But I was also angry at my father, and took my mother's side completely, wanting to beat up the other woman, hating her for being so 'immoral'.  Years later I discovered my own complex feelings for married men because of the industry I was in, and then most recently, my relationship with one.

 

There are always two sides to the story but I can't say that I sympathize with the wife. From what my guy tells me, there's been issues for years that she won't deal with. And sadly like some other marriages they just drifted apart emotionally and sexually. Yet, at the same time, he told me that she would DEFINITELY divorce him even if he had had a one-night fling. So imagine what she'd do if she found out about ME.  This brings to mind what I've always been curious about the wife...how does she expect her husband to go without sex or love for so many years without him going somewhere else??  Some wives ( not many) turn their heads or are able to ignore their husband's infidelities. But most of them wouldn't, and my boyfriend's wife is one of them.

 

I'm also younger than the boyfriend...by 17 years. I've always had a thing for older guys. If this guy's wife found out, she'd wipe him clean financially. I don't think she'd hunt me down and try to kick my *** though.

I think I would feel some guilt if there was kids involved and then I'd be the ultimate homewrecker.  But I knew up front that the MM has no kids. Interestingly enough he and his first wife had no kids either. I just think that's unusual for someone of their generation.



The other thing I could never figure out about the wife..according to the MM ( and I hear this a LOT from older married guys, especially the ones who wives are going through menopause)is that they haven't been intimate in eight years. How the heck does a woman expect her husband to be faithful and not need or want sex for that long? 



In other words...the wife should NOT be surprised that her husband had a fling or is carrying on a full-blown love affair!!! This is why I don't feel sorry for her!!

TheOtherSiren- Yeah, my MM has no children either. And when we talk about it (Ive recently decided I really can't see myself having or wanting kids) and he's like "maybe we'll want them someday..." me "if you wanted kids, don't you think you'd have had them by now?" him "I never wanted them with her." Yeah, you'll be 50 by the time I change my mind (IF). lol. 

In any case... he and I met a year ago. From the time he and I met, to the time that he and I finally had sex, they had had (bad) sex 4 times. Whereas he and I had 7 times in just the first day we "crossed boundaries". I don't see, like you said, how anyone can expect to have a fulfilling relationship when the sexual intimacy is not there. He had not received oral sex in over 10 years!!!! *sigh*

I feel for the Wife.

He is preventing her from finding someone who loves her totally and honestly. He is lying to her.

It doesn't matter if she 'deserves' it. No one deserves to be lied to.

He is preventing her from finding happiness, and he is keeping me from it,too. Why? So he can have the best of both worlds, a world which is a lie. And any relationship founded on a lie is doomed.

i am a wife of a MM that cheated...he admited to telling her all kinds of lies...like we don't have sex anymore...what a joke that was...he's lieing to you.  he's going through mid-life crisis...all of you that think you are so much better than the wife.  think about it.  if it was really as bad as what they say it is they would divorcee her now wouldn't they.  or is he spineless and just wants sympathy.  if that were the case, like my husband was trying to get sympathy along with sex, sorry girl, but that is so NOT the kind of man i want....i want a man.  not a wuss.  yeah, my husband got caught cheating and he left her not me...all married men that are older and cheating are going through mid life crisis....think about it

adumbwoman: I agree with you 100%.  Being TOW and the wife who was cheated on, I know they never leave and they are going through a midlife crisis.  It's rarely about the wife, it's about their diminishing self-esteem usually.  Nothing good has come from my situation, and I'm trying to find the courage to leave.  I've had enough of the emotional roller coaster.

And yes, men lie.  A lot.

adumbwoman: I agree with you 100%.  Being TOW and the wife who was cheated on, I know they never leave and they are going through a midlife crisis.  It's rarely about the wife, it's about their diminishing self-esteem usually.  Nothing good has come from my situation, and I'm trying to find the courage to leave.  I've had enough of the emotional roller coaster.

And yes, men lie.  A lot.

I don't think I'm any better than the wife or anyone else, for that matter, despite my mixed feelings about how she feels. I've ALSO been a wife who was cheated on, and at the time, I realized that I didn't care about my husband enough to work through it because we had only been married six months. I can't help but think that I just didn't face the pain back then.

My dad's girlfriend was 20 years OLDER than him. I definitely think now looking back on it that he was searching for a mommy figure, someone who could treat him like a son, since his own mother abandoned him and his sister as a kid and he basically never saw her until he got married to my mom, twenty five years later.

I don't expect my MM to leave his wife. All married men who cheat have proven one thing...that they have the capability to lead a double life and lie to their wives and potentially therefore damaging the marriage and family.

So why do I continue to see him? Because he fulfills something in my life and I'm fulfilling something in his. I have yet to discover ( though I definitely know I have father issues) through therapy and self-discovery.

There's a tendency for some women to put ALL the blame on their husband and TOW and that's simply not true in most cases. While some men will cheat even if their homelife is perfect, many other mean cheat because their needs are not being met at home.  I can't imagine a woman NOT thinking her husband is going to go off and have an affair ( or pay an escort or go to a ***** club for some action) when she hasn't had sex with him in years. I don't get that and I never will. 

My MM hasn't had sex with his wife in over eight years. Yet, she would be very angry if she found out he was with me and she'd also be angry if she found out if he ever saw a prostitute too.  At the same time she's not gong to bring up that topic either, I think she's in denial. I also think she's starting to get a bit suspicious.

your MM and everyone elses MM are lieing to them about the wife not having sex with them...i know i am the wife of a lieing, cheating MM...all of these MM are going through mid-life crisis.  do you really think if it was as bad as he's telling you he'd still be married...nope.  that is unless he's spineless, and i don't know about you but i want a man, now a winer that complains all of the time about how he's being mistreated...and when the wife finds out who do you think he's going to leave?  and why is that he would leave you and not the wife?  if he was so in love with you, he'd already be gone...duh!

your mm is lieing to you. its called a mid-life crisis..i'm a wife of a husband that cheated...he had to admit to her that he lied.  and why are you sneaking around if it is so great...he loves his wife, and will leave you in a heart beat

he's lieing. its called mid life crisis...and if you have a thing for older men....why?  where's your daddy?  are you looking for a daddy?  or a man to love that nots lieing to you.  i know my husband pulled the same thing your mm is doing.  and if he gets a divorcee, there is such a thing called allignation of affection...his wife can come after you in court....and win!!!  again I KNOW

As the scorned wife, I think you need to seek some therapy to get over your bitterness. You seem pretty typical of the woman who blames everything on the Other Woman and refuses to take responsibility for the fact that your husband went elsewhere.  Sorry to tell you but every situation is different.  I'm most of all sorry for how you seem to be so full of hate and vitriol. 

And yet you stay with this 'lieing cheating married man' . You are truly then, one dumb woman. From your mispelled posts to your bitterness and scorn,  your comments about 'searching for a daddy'... hilarious and sad at the same time.  Why are you even here on a board for The Other Woman when you're the dumb woman who stays with the cheater? LOL. Hypocrite.

From your profile, I also gather that you hate yourself. If you're looking for that lapband, I suggest that you not take the easy way out ( which is what you seem to be doing to your husband...staying with a loser because you have no financial resources of your own, have low-self esteem due to your weight issues, and have a son...you CANT go anywhere, and you must hate that, and in your hatred of yourself and your situation, you have to come into this forum and berate all TOW, especially the ones who have NO desire to care about the husband having sex with his wife or not, or whether he'll leave her or not).

You are five years younger than me, and worlds behind when it comes to taking a good long look at YOURSELF. You must hate yourself for knowing that you have to settle for less because you have no choice. You're a hypocrite plain and simple.  You say that you and your husband had 'sex' and he 'lied' to the other woman ( who was clearly a fling, yet, does that mitigate the amount of hurt you must have felt, or the fact that he was intimate with someone he claimed to be faithful to at the altar?)  but yet, you want to go out and get a lapband to lose weight. Why? Do you feel that badly about yourself where now you think if you turn skinny, he's never going to cheat?


Think again. You'll do yourself a world of favors by simply eating right, exercising ( take it from someone who is your height, five years older, and 75 pounds lighter), having a positive attitude, and leaving your husband behind in the dust.  Then perhaps, ONLY perhaps, you might even feel good about yourself enough not to have to be on a forum where you are neither welcome nor should even be a part of.

As for me, I have no desire to further interact with someone who is so obviously pathetic and chooses to stay in a marriage and yet continue to be a hater.  What your posts say to me say volumes about who you are as a woman, and how you feel about yourself.  Do not make sweeping generalizations about TOW here.  Do not throw your vitriol at TOW and instead, work on your own self-loathing.

actually, i was hoping to put some self esteem in tow and safe a wife and the mm a lot of grief...and possible a law suit...that is if you'd have bothered to read one of the earlier posts.  i was trying to at least safe a marriage and a number of people from the hurt and disgust that you and your mm will cause to a innocent victim...a part of me wishes i could leave my mm, but the other part remebers all of the wonderful times we've had together thoughout the years...that is until  his mid life crisis issues hit...and my wonderful husband became a stranger to everyone...please just do everyone a favor and take a real look at your self and all of the problems that your mm is going to drag you into...and further more.  i hope one day you'll develop morals...

adumbwoman- I do not agree with any comments that say something along the lines of "all cheating men never leave their wives" or "all your MM are lying about not having sex" Or  "all ______ (insert person)..." That's false and improbable that a group of people go about similar situations the same exact way. I've seen living proof of men who leave their wives. I've seen living proof of sexless marriages ending in someone straying. Speaking of which... just because someone is giving their spouse sex doesn't mean it's good sex. Or even the kind of sex they're wanting.

All married women who were cheated on do not come to a community of women who are TOW to 'warn' or demean them, such as yourself.

You have to acknowledge that some ladies create those very memories you're holding onto with your cheating husband with these already MM. Which is why even through knowing it's unlikely we'll end up where we want with the MM, we continue thinking about the happiness the MM have brought them.

Also, I don't think I'm better than my MM's wife. She's amazingly successful and in what she's obtained in career and goals, I feel I cannot amount to her. I can acknowledge that, and feel insecure that maybe my MM will realize that even if he doesn't feel the special chemistry, he'll want to take back the 'good-on-paper woman' as opposed to the younger, sexier girl (which is what I'd be viewed as if there were a simple comparison between she and me). And to be honest, in most of the posts I've read here, there have been no indications that TOW feels she's BETTER than anyone. And you, yourself, are no better than any of us in the terms of being with a cheating MM. You didn't leave him. The guy you're calling a liar. Why don't you save yourself some time and energy and put that into divorcing your cheating MM and find that "real man" you claim you want.