Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still."
Veterinarian: "How's your pretty *****?"
Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"
Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
Things my mother taught me ...
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done - if you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
My mother taught me religion - you better pray that will come out of the carpet.
My mother taught me about time...
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? He answered so...
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard...
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
Water in the carburettor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it...
God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an award scheme… During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning about the situation in India :
He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children he had during his time...
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was...
Life is bad as it is and I think if we are always so uptight and never loosen up, we'll be miserable forever, which will drive people away from you. Humour and funny experiences as well as laughter connects people and I guess that's what's needed to make life less stressful
A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to haveheart transplant (donated by a man) . She’s worried about the friend so she asks the doctor…
Prostitute: “I’m worried about my frienddoc, what if her body rejects the man’s organ...
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in...
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: 'fallen'. From then on, anyone who had committed...
The Kompletely Finished Airlines (KFA) was on the brink. Its pilots were on strike and staff had not been paid salaries for six months.
Banks, which had lent huge sums of money, were closing in. But there was one reason why KF Airlines still drew passengers; it was hijack proof...
THERE ARE 4 KIND OF MEN..
1. THE EUROPEANS
they have 1 wife and 1 girlfrnd but they love their wife most .
2 THE AMERICANS
They have 1 wife and 1 girlfrnd but they love their girlfrnd the most..
3. THE INDIANS
They have 1 wife and 4 girlfrnds but they love their mother the most...
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy...
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
a widow who had just returned from her husband's...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the Casino. She seemed a
little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
With that, she ******** from the neck...
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young Woman who was several months Pregnant was sitting in a Bus.......
... When she noticed a young Man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her Seat and He seemed more amused.
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he...
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Canada agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the...
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest...
I was in a clothing store when I heard a customer complaining to a salesclerk.
"I love this cardigan, but it's ruined by this big button on it," she moaned. "It's the wrong color, it looks ridiculous, and it sticks out. You should speak to the designer and tell them to remake...
MORE things my mother taught me ...
My mother taught me the circle of life - I brought you into this world, and i can take you out.
My mother taught me about behavior modification - stop acting like your father!
My mother taught me about anticipation - just wait until we...
How Many Wives Can A
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How...
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"
The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew stealing."
He goes to the owner...
1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:
All women are devils...
But my wife is QUEEN of them!
2. Man was sent on earth to suffer...
Woman was sent to make sure it happens!
3. A man asked for poison.
Chemist refused, since it required prescription.
He showed his Marriage Certificate...
There were three friends. At first none of them could speak at all. Then they all got jobs. The first became a music instructor. He learned to say, "Me me me me me". The second became a waiter. He learned to say, "Forks and knives forkes and knives". The third worked in a candy...
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: “You English folk eat...
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to
get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom...
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that...
I got a good laugh this morning. I am STILL laughing about this! Here's what happened: I joined the group about expressing your option in 5 words or less. I did. The first story went through just fine ........ 5 words. Having had fun, I wrote another one ....... 5 words. Posting...
I laughed so hard after I read this! I just had to share it.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"