I Choose to Be Faithful In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | How do others in sexless marriages find fulfillment when there is no intimacy?

Christine30,

Remember that your marriage is not about what other people think about it.  It's what you think about it.  And remember that I am in the same boat so my comments are meant to judge but to hopefully help and give a little solace.  This forum is a great place to vent and try to loose bitterness and resentment that build up, I know.  I recently had a small tiff with my husband over hair stubble that he leaves on the bathroom sink when he shaves.  Yes, it is inconsiderate and sloppy, but the main point is that it isn't that big of a deal even for a neat freak like myself.  I realized that when I am frustrated about sex it is easier for me to get upset, maybe even overly upset about other things that my husband my have done 'wrong'.  Granted, these things may be justifiably wrong, but I notice that it is easier for me to come to that conclusion when I am really frustrated.  Try focusing on the things about your husband that you really love.  His company,  the conversations that you share.  Maybe you are both acting out some resentments and that is helping to spoil the mood.  Ultimately, you can only control your reaction to the problem, not his anyway.  As far as losing weight, do what you want to do for yourself, not for him.  If you really don't want to loose weight it will just become another thing that you do for him that is causing you to go without something else you like.  You're already on a sex 'hunger' strike, so don't put yourself on a food 'hunger' strike unless it is what you want.  Or you may subconsciously resent him for that too.  Also, is he interested in doing affectionate things that don't envolve sex, believe me I know it can be frustrating, but at least you will get some intimacy out of it.  Every time I get a foot massage or backrub from my husband, I secretly want to 'kill' him because he just reminds me of what I can't have.  Obviously, today is a good day for me anyway.  If I was having a bad day my response would probably be totally different.  So take what I've said with the preverbial grain of salt and do what you have to do.  Remember, I'm on your side :)  (Even though there aren't any sides.)

Stay strong

Sacul :)

 

Hi, no advise here either....my story as well.  I am in the fairly new stage of this issue...too new to give advise, but I sure need some.  We will be married 25 years soon.  We haven't had sex for 3 years.  Before that MAYBE once a year for about  5 years and before that not much more but there was hope for sex....only if I started it first.  We had sex all the time when we met, in fact secretly I wondered if all he liked about me was the sex!  haha  After marrying it got less and less every year.  Then he injured his back and now he says he just can't perform....on top of the fact the he truly never really had a big sexual desire......and on top of that he is 14 years my senior.  I am now trying to cope with the fact that sex is over.  He is 62 now and I don't ever see it happening.  We love each other very much as we do the Lord.  My Christian girlfriends tell me that God doesn't want us to stay in a marriage that is unrighteous....which I agree with.  They think at his core of his heart, which is what God looks at, my husband just doesn't want sex anymore and that is against God's desires.  Ultimately I want what God wants.....I wish I knew which one that is.  Any suggestions out there would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

I have been in a Christian marriage for 32 years, and the last 10-13 have had very little sex. Like you, it wiil be 3 years this month since the last, and before that 1-3 times a year. I have contemplated looking outside my marriage to satisfy my desire/needs over the years, have come close a few times but chickened out thinking about all the bad things that could come out of it. We also argued a lot, and I told myself if this keeps up, once the kids are out of high school (I feel responsible for them), I should move on. Well, I jumped the gun a little last June. I posted a Craigs List ad and got very fortunate, I think, in my opinion. All I wanted was a lady in the same boat that wanted that sexual release/excitement. I knew I was going way out there, and probably wouldn't find the right situation. I wasn't looking to end my marriage, just get what I needed desperately.

I got one response, and I was pleasantly surprised. Although she was in a similar situation and appreciated my thoughts, after we shared a LOT through email and texts, and met a couple times, we went for it. And we later realized we were falling in love, real love. We had so much in common, what we were both looking for. That was 6 months ago, and not long ago I was found out through leaving an email open on my computer (stupid me) by my wife. I had talked a lot about divorce with my future lady, we are both in dead end marriages. She has 3 boys I would have to help with. Most men wouldn't want this, but I am thinking I could be a better dad to them. Anyway, I think you need to be very careful to cover yor tracks when you do move forward, and be careful about the man you go forward with, but you need to make it work for you. Our marriage covenant was broke when we stopped the intimacy, and went downhill from there. We don't even sleep in the same bed. So I feel rather vindicated in doing this, even though it turned out to be more than I expected. It's a tough decision, but you are in a tough place like I was, and if it's not getting better, what are you waiting for then?

 

This might sound a little silly, but, I recently got a dog. A rescue dog. He is so timid and fragile, and he opens up to my love a little more each day. It's the most beautiful thing - to have some"thing" trust me and love me so gratuitously. Something that had been beaten and damaged is now finding out that he can be loved, just for being himself. I see new little personality quirks come from him every day. We learn about, and love each other every day.

It's starting to **** me off that my own fiancee can't do that. The love for the dog is magnifying the loss in our relationship and making the bitterness I feel for my fiancee worse every day.

Thank heaven for the dog. Lest I might have gone mad by now.

I told ya it might sound silly :)

 

My answer is....some of us don't.  It would be helpful to define fulfillment, as it varies from person to person.There are a lot of things in life that we can't control or if we do, they lose their meaning. One of my biggest faults is I tend to not see the forest for the trees. Focusing on what's not right with my life/marriage can and does devalue what is. How much of this is my own selfishness and how much is the human condition, I don't know, but there are so many writing about this the implications are frightening. Do we have entire generations unable to share, communicate or return love? For my part I have had to prioritize and weigh what I do have against what I don't....what I have tips the scale. I gave up on fulfillment along with inner peace.