I Enjoy Witty Humour

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,281 People

    I May Be Slow But.....

    Nothing gets the synapse firing like someone with a quick wit. I enjoy those people the most. Especially if you can get something past me and I don't realize it for a few minutes, or a few days. If I ask a question, I'll always go with the one with some wit and humor attached.
    AlDemone AlDemone
    51-55, M
    1 Response Nov 28, 2011

    Christmas Story

    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the...
    Zoranna Zoranna
    61-65, F
    4 Responses Dec 12, 2012

    Valentine's day: A day

    when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Jan 2
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    1 Response Nov 28, 2014

    The Bagpiper

    I heard this yesterday and I chuckled, thought I'd share: As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back...
    Zoranna Zoranna
    61-65, F
    8 Responses Nov 17, 2012
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    Nov 8, 2014

    Summer: The season

    when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 1

    People think I'm too patronising: (That means

    I treat them as if they are stupid).
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Dec 30, 2015
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Jan 4

    Sign outside a pathology lab: It may be just

    stool & urine to U but to us, it is our bread & butter.
    IamnotCharlieSheen IamnotCharlieSheen
    46-50, M
    1 Response May 28, 2014

    Fanny V Butt (sea Monkey Story Part 2)

    I arrived in a small town called Holderness in New Hampshire full of youthful curly headed enthusiasm (sadly, the curls have since abandoned me.) I came from Ireland to work as a Crew Guy in a holiday camp to supplement my Art school fees and experience an American summer...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Nov 26, 2010

    Maggie - A Christmas Special

    Maggie and Mammy were excited. They had been invited to Kathleen’s for Christmas and were looking forward to the company and crack.On Christmas Eve they woke to an unexpected cold snap. By midday the snow was heavy. As darkness fell their tiny cottage perched atop a remote hill...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 23, 2010
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Dec 30, 2015

    Gloves

    NO places-NO names- but it went down something like this....A young man needs to find a gift for his loved one for her birthday. Since they've gone out for very short time, he decides after some serious consideration to give her a pair of gloves. It would be romantic, but not an...
    1arnold1 1arnold1
    22-25
    6 Responses Mar 5, 2011

    Wife And Encyclopaedia

    Seen somewhere and could not resist to share with you all: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.  
    inspiration1 inspiration1
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 25, 2012
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 5

    Supermarket Man

    A man is standing in line at the checkout queue. His basket contains: one pint of milk, six eggs, a small loaf of bread, a tub of soured cream and a six-pack of AA batteries. As his turn arrives, he notices that the very pretty checkout girl is taking a prolonged and interested...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Dec 14, 2010
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 4

    The Birds And The Bees

    I lay on my bed and waited to die – I was almost 12.   I knew ************ was wrong, it could make you go blind the priests told us. However, like all young boys I was a prolific ****** with perfect sight; priests were liars! So I carried on  – until the...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    Nov 27, 2010

    Maggie & Kathleen 3

    Maggie was full of the joys of spring as she walked along the quiet country lane to her friend Kathleen’s to enjoy a good gossip. A car approached and she stepped back to let it pass; it was a posh one she noted, the same as the Bank Managers. But the car stopped and it was...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 16, 2010

    Texting for the more mature person: GGPBL:

    Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! GHA: Got Heartburn Again HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas. ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up TTYL: Talk To You Louder WAITT: Who Am I...
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 3
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    3 Responses Jan 2

    Maggie & Kathleen

    Maggie bumps into Kathleen on the village high street. After exchanging pleasantries Kathleen says, “I saw your husband walking up the town with a big bunch of red roses this morning, aren’t you the lucky lady?” Maggie rolls her eyes upwards and responds wearily...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    Dec 15, 2010
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 2
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Jan 5

    I don't really see what the fun in watching

    drag racing is. Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress, but other than that, it's boring.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Jan 2
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    Nov 15, 2014
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Dec 30, 2015

    An Education

    We weren’t bad boys, just mischievous; Martin and I spent a lot of time visiting the Headmasters office while at secondary school. Back from summer break we had a lot to catch up on – lessons were far from our mind. Sometime over the holidays Martin had discovered...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    1 Response Nov 30, 2010
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 2
    sliptrix sliptrix
    16-17, M
    Oct 11, 2014
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    Nov 28, 2014

    Defence Or Fun?

    Some say humour is used as a defence mechanism. I suppose with me this maybe true, it is difficult to tell. It is also social. I come from a city, a city where in the past life was hard. Humour was a way of making it through every day. So I grew up surrounded with sarcasm and...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jul 28, 2013

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial

    flavouring but dishwasher liquid made with real lemons?
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Jan 2

    When I try to say something tongue-in-cheek,

    most people just think I have a speech impediment.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 6

    If it weren't for the smart-@sses,

    this world would be filled with dumb-@sses.
    Mossonarock Mossonarock
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 31, 2015

    There is nothing better

    than when someone knows you well enough to send you a text that makes you laugh even walking alone in public
    jazziebb jazziebb
    31-35, F
    1 Response Jan 22, 2014

    Lipstick On your lips,

    a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a colour only a ***** would wear.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 6

    what is the difference between 'complete'

    and 'finished'? there is no precise answer to this. however, the following expression with a practical example may satisfy many. "in life, if you get the 'right partner' you are complete but if you get the 'wrong one', you are finished! and if you are caught by the 'right...
    inspiration1 inspiration1
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 24, 2014

    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good

    Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Jan 3

    Why does 'fat chance'

    and 'slim chance' mean the same thing.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 30, 2015

    I never knew my 12 year old son was on bbm

    until I downloaded the app on my phone. This is how the conversation went: Son: Hey Me: hello Son: wud Me: I didn't know you are on bb Son: do you know me? Me: yes Shane I can see your profile Son: who are you 😯 Don't mean to be rude Me: your mother
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    2 Responses Nov 8, 2014

    Maggie & Kathleen 2

    Maggie was very excited. A handsome farmer from a neighbouring town had invited her to the cinema. The following day she was on cloud nine and rushed to Kathleen’s to tell her friend all about the date. “Oh, he’s a pure gentleman Kathleen, he bought me a big bag...
    gerardfsmith gerardfsmith
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 15, 2010

    Related Experiences

    I've enjoyed Experience Project. So many people out there with shared experiences. It has been nice to share stories with others who get it. Hoping to see many of you on these new...
    BarefootedBoy BarefootedBoy
    41-45
    Apr 21
    I'm deleting my account 8pm my time. I'm going to enjoy my last day as much as I can.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Apr 20
    me too.....so it comes to a end...so ive added a new profile pic. ..enjoy. .;)
    toy144 toy144
    41-45, M
    Apr 20
    If America builds a wall to keep out Mexicans and want to make Mexico pay for it then its only fair in response that Canada should build a wall to keep Americans out and make...
    CandiceMarieAllcoxx CandiceMarieAllcoxx
    18-21, T
    Apr 20
    Is trump building that wall to keep immigrants out or is he really planing to build it to keep them in and stop them escaping having that div as a leader lol
    CandiceMarieAllcoxx CandiceMarieAllcoxx
    18-21, T
    Apr 20
    Well this is it everyone. The last full day of EP. I know I have not been on here that much but I just want to say for those of you who have been there for me thank you so much and...
    maialove maialove
    26-30, F
    2 Responses Apr 20
    Sorry forgot the picture lol So with ep hitting the big pause button Tomorrow I'm sharing this picture as a result of where the site took me. I always fought the feelings of...
    k5rjtxj k5rjtxj
    26-30, M
    4 Responses Apr 20
    Sorry forgot the picture last post! So with ep hitting the big pause button Tomorrow I'm sharing this picture as a result of where the site took me. I always fought the feelings of...
    k5rjtxj k5rjtxj
    26-30, M
    Apr 20
    So with ep hitting the big pause button Tomorrow I'm sharing this picture as a result of where the site took me. I always fought the feelings of enjoying being nude but now I'm...
    k5rjtxj k5rjtxj
    26-30, M
    Apr 20
    So with ep hitting the big pause button Tomorrow I'm sharing this picture as a result of where the site took me. I always fought the feelings of enjoying being nude but now I'm...
    k5rjtxj k5rjtxj
    26-30, M
    1 Response Apr 20
    I look forward to enjoying this lifestyle with my guy and being owned by him as well!
    InLoveWithTheSun InLoveWithTheSun
    31-35, F
    4 Responses Apr 20
    Well I can defo think of one good sense of humour for a psychiatrist. If two people report phobias, one fear of long words and the other fear of 666 he/ she should bring them...
    Sazzio Sazzio
    26-30, M
    Apr 17
    I remember in French class a saying that loosely translated was "A coalminers home is his castle". So I feel that nudity at home is not only enjoyable it is my right. Most of my...
    nuwalker nuwalker
    66-70, M
    2 Responses Apr 16
    "Face Down" Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I sing this like all the time!! It's a great song. If you don't know it check it out! The link is in the comments. Also "Choke" is another...
    SonofPaddy121 SonofPaddy121
    18-21, M
    1 Response Apr 15
    By Your Side - Sade (reggae mix) Always enjoyed this song amongst others of hers, love it even more with the reggae beats.
    helmsdeep helmsdeep
    31-35, F
    1 Response Apr 13
    - Dear True Love - Silhouettes From Sleeping At Last Lovely songs!!! I enjoy listening to them. I wish for my future hubby to sing 'Dear True Love' for my wedding.... Just...
    EarlPhantomhive EarlPhantomhive
    18-21, F
    Apr 12
    Read the following without laughing/ smiling. Mr Vangti-Noodles was the best known barber in Town. However, be sure to tip him or he has an interesting hair style for hair/bald...
    Sazzio Sazzio
    26-30, M
    Apr 12
More Stories