i battle with a mental illness and pushing people away is what i do best i battle with bipolar disorder and because of that i trust no one around me and it makes me so sad, i push people away cause im scared if i let them close they will do everything in there power to hurt me...
Inspired by the feeling of disconnectedness and not belonging.
Inspired by the feeling of being Nothing to No one.
I wake up most days and i feel so disconnected from
everyone and everything some days i don't feel human
i feel like an alien incapable of feeling anything but numb
and depressed i wake with tears in my eyes sometimes
i just wish everyone would leave me alone with my thoughts...
me. Their happiness never matches mine. I don't understand their sadness. “I'm so excited!” It's not hard to fake it. It's not hard to fake cry, and charm people into thinking. Raw emotions are easy to fake. I've become really numb.
Recently, something kind of strange...
when I'm really stressed out or anxious or depressed at the same I start to feel numb... It's probably a sort of coping mechanism, I suppose. So that I don't feel the anxiety, I tone down every emotion.
It also happens when I 'm with a group of people talking/socializing. I...
I had an abortion September 3rd. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I feel like it had to have been the worst decision of my life. I feel absolutely awful, it has changed my whole aspect about life. I went on vacation to my native country and slept with...
At a very young age I discovered something about myself that wasn't quite like the other children in my presence. My self~awareness was fully developed by the age of 5 and I was adultified on the regular. I had no one to protect me or guide me through life rather cast their...
lately but as of late **** in my life has been a bit bizzare and scary for me, where do I begin, in the last few months I have been having frequent and strangely occurring "de Ja vu" moments, these moments are not necisssarily saying I have been here before a couple months back...
Come on baby, let's get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas
With the top rolled down
There's a chill in my bones
I don't want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
I'll pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket I'll carry my harp
I got some...
Sky reach for me
Feel me at your feet.
Forest protect me
In your foliage arms.
River cleanse me
And carry me forth
To Another World
A World away
A World away
To No one
Fill my ears
With your sweet smells!
Caress my body
With your beautiful...
and reading them at a later date, and feeling as though I am reading a stranger's thoughts and feelings. I can't recognize myself in anything.
I am living life looking down at myself from above, being present but not truly present at all; here but never truly and actually here...
I've gone my whole life never becoming completely connected to any one thing, I've never learned how to do one thing completely, or given myself to one person entirely. I'm not sure if this is a defense mechanism that allows me to stay safe from harm or from feeling stupid. It...
and on in life..
Not even pausing once,
not even seeing all this..
When did life become a rat-race?
To just reach, to achieve,
to carry on and follow others,
never questioning why and what is all this,
never stopping to see where all the desires are taking us,
I noticed it sometime after the abuse ended. I thought that now that it was over I would be happy. But then I realized how other parts of my life felt distant. I suppose as a defense mechanism during the abuse, I created another world made of novels, video games; it was really...
I feel like I'm in my own little ******* fishbowl, while everyone else is out swimming in the big wide ocean. I get stuck with this. Reinforced glass. Little stone castle and some plastic seaweed. You might read some of my stories and think you can 'relate' to me, but if you...
Actually, when I think about it, I always have that feeling somewhere deep inside. There are moments when I don't pay attention to it and I'm too busy but it's always there.
I have always felt I am somehow different from everyone. Even from my closest friends. It's very hard...
Every now and then I have days where I feel so hopeless and down on my future. It doesn't make sense because other days I feel like I can conquer the world. I guess I'm just feeling sad because I'm finally distancing myself from my exbf. I thought I wanted to still be friends but...
Literally, right now, I am sitting here at my computer, writing stories for EP when I wish I was out somewhere enjoying my life with people I love. My girlfriend is asleep, my mother is here and she's asleep as well, and I have no friends except music. I don't really even feel...
I'm so angry. I have no idea how to let go of the anger. I am so mad about where I am in life. I want to be friendly with my family. But I am sick of being that quiet little girl who is insecure and scared and embarrassed and paranoid and gets abused taken advantage of and...
My own bitterness and anger keep me in my own little corner. My disconnected seems to hide hehind my fake little smile. Because if I'm not smiling they will know and that is not good. If I appear the way I feel then I will be criticize by my mother, my friends, my employer...
since they don't call me. I think they are still trying to build my independence. But I've always been a bit of a loner you know? :(
When I first joined EP I was on the verge if ending it all. In real life people don't understand. They see my physical appearance and judge me...