I Had An Abortion Forum & Chat Board | Feel like my heart is being ripped apart

Hi Folks,

I find myself here hoping against hope that someone may be able to read my story and find a little something of their own in it and offer some of their experience.

I am in a situation that I never thought I would be in - as I guess many of you here have.

I have just turned 40, have been married 7 years and have a 5 and 3 yr old (both boys), and now I find I am approaching 7 wks into an unplanned pregnancy. I have always dreamed of having 3 children - but now it is so much more than that.

My husband has made it quite clear that he does not want anymore children and when he told me he couldn't think of one reason why he would want another my heart sank as I knew he would want me to terminate. He admitted that many of his reasons are selfish (or may be seen that way). He suffers greatly from arthritis which sees him some days in tears just trying to dress himself (the latest and most strongest injectionable medication does not seem to be working), he feels that the added financial cost is something that we would have to consider (this would include removing our 5yr old from his private school amongst other things), and the fact that our 3yr old suffered a stroke at birth and that has scared him about the risks of another child and the possibility of what could go wrong. He feels with 2 children we have been blessed and shouldn't push our luck.

I see the logic in his points and even see myself thinking many the same things, yet every time I look at my boys I think am I denying myself the chance to love another child.

The longer I leave it and the more I read I just want to crawl into a dark space and have this decision taken away from me. I am already beating myself up about what I know I have to do (for my husband and family), but it does not sit well with me and I know I will forever hold regrets.

My husbands biggest fear overall is that whatever decision we make that it will be the beginning of the end for us which I think it may be and that scares me to death and I second guess and think well if we do bust up that I will have lost my 3rd child for nothing !! It all sounds so terrible.

If only I knew that the child would be born with a disability or poor quality of life (as having one child with additional needs I don't think I could cope with two) or that my health would be compromised it would in my minds eye ease the guilt I am feeling as I could justify it to myself by saying "I didn't have a choice".

Sorry for rambling but I have had only my sister to tell and she is calling it a "situation" and my husband has not talked much since our initial conversation. Thank you all for taking the time to read and thanks in advance to those of you who are able to respond. God bless.

 

You certainly have a difficult situation in front of you.  I would not wish this on anyone, and of course only you can really know what to do.  Only you are an expert on your own life.  All I can do is point your attention to what you have already said and hope it makes things clearer.  The rest is up to you.  I know you will do just fine, no matter what you decide to do.  Because once the decision is made, your life changes to adapt to the new direction.  Your decisions and options all change.



As I read through your post, it became apparent to me that you already know what to do, but are afraid - perhaps of the guilt you may feel, the loss of what might have been.  Remember that being pregnant is an intense experience, full of intense biological urges designed to protect a growing fetus.  Logic can be hard to access when our emotions are so intense.  This is Nature at its finest.



I can tell you that many years ago - when I was young and before I was married and had any live children - I had two abortions.  One was the result of carelessness, the other not so much.  All the options in my life changed forever after those choices.  Did I ever feel a sense of loss?  Yes.  But never regret.  The children I was meant to have came to me later.  You have children who depend on you.  Can you risk yourself when they need you so much?



I can understand wanting more children. I always wanted 6 since my mother had 6.  I didn't want to outdone.  And one of my sisters has 5 now - on occasion I have felt less than a woman.  But, when I got gestational diabetes with my third, then full-blown diabetes a few years later, I realized that I could not risk my health because I have children here who need me.  Now, I am nearly 43 and more children just is not an option.  Of course, my husband had a vasectomy  years ago because we decided there was more to life than children.  We married each other not just to have kids, but to spend our lives together.  The longer we prolonged childrearing, the less time we would have to pursue the things we want as a couple.  



So, in all this I hope you can see that I really do understand how you feel.  I don't really see it as advice, because I would not presume to tell anyone what to do.  I just hope that you can find comfort in knowing that if you do choose to have an abortion, it will not doom you to a life of misery and grief.  And if you choose to have this child that you are not having it because of some fear of losing out on what might have been.



Peace and best of luck to you.....SS

 

You as all women considering abortion are in such a difficult position. No one knows your cicumstances or decision better than your heart. 

Healing. This is what worked for me.  I had to confess to God my sin. I named my baby and completed all the stages of grieving.  This meant many tears to God. It didn't mean many months of tears to God. Occasionally, I ask the Lord to speak to my child to tell her how sorry and regretful I am and how much I love her.  I can't wait to love and dance in Heaven with my daughter and my Savior. This set me free. 

 

Dear Serenity Seeker,



Felt that I had to reply and thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and for sharing your story.



As you mentioned, I knew the decision that had to be made for the family I have not the "what may be". As hard as it was I went through with my termination yesterday. The waiting was the worst and yet in some strange way the best part of the experience, but my husband stayed with me up until my procedure. There was some comfort in waiting as I got to see that I wasn't alone and that many other women from all walks of life and all circumstances found themselves in a similar situation to myself (I didn't feel so isolated).



I was fine until I had to lay on the table and the finalisation of what was to happen hit me (I couldn't help but shed some tears both before and after). The physical discomfort is very minimal and in my mind I am in and out of peace with myself. I know it is very early days and that I need to be kind to myself.



My husband cryed as we drove home yesterday and he said he feels 10% for our actions, but 90% for what he made me go through and for what he feels I will go through in the future.



I think we will be OK, as I have his love and support and he is opening up (strange what tragic circumstance can do to a person as he has always been the quiet one and the type you have to probe to get them to express themselves and what they are feeling),so with his love along with the love of my two boys I now have our future to look forward to.



Thank you again ever so much, you seem like the kind of person who would be a most generous, loving and compassionate friend (we could all do with more of those).



Wishing you future peace and happiness as I hope to achieve it myself.



Celica

 

Hello, 
I am so lost, I am broken, I want to crawl into a hole and not wake up. 
I am 22 years old. I live with my boyfriend, 29, whom I love with all my heart, and he as well. We found out on Saturday that I am pregnant, and the decision seemed very clear that it is not the right time in our lives to go through with this. We were using a diaphragm, but I have a feeling I wasn't putting it in right.
That Saturday night, I didn't stop crying. 
As the days go by, and I having been to the clinic for the tests to confirm my pregnancy (7wks4days), I feel more and more lost. I haven't been able to stop crying and I feel a knot in my heart. I have never known what it means to have a broken heart, but now I do. I keep wishing for something to tell me not to do it, for example, he went out and bought 8 lottery tickets--if only we could win.
I have just finished university and he has a good job, but with one person working, it seems implausible. I keep thinking of ways to do it, if I get a job and he go on Pat leave, then it can work. I want to postpone it one more week but it will just make things worse for my heart.
My appointment is on Wednesday at 8:15am. I am crying again. I can't stop crying.
-am.

 

I really understand what you're going through... i just turned 22... and had an abortion just last week... my boyfriend and i aren't in a completely stable relationship... i work as full time as i can... which is about 28-30 hrs depending on the week... and neither of us are finically stable either.  first thing and really only thing out of his mouth was "You're not keeping it... its not mine" i said you're the only one i've been with. he goes i know but you're not keeping it no baby is UNplanned.... and i KNOW some are.... and it pulls at me everyday some too.. and i've been tryin to cope .. and my mom is dealing with chemo again, and tho i'm not wise like you, i do know how it feels, and i didn't reallly have a choice.. and i appolidged EVERYDAY the week before adn said  i was sorry to my baby...  i have a pic of the ultra sound... and thats what gets me throu the times and i've done well have been workin on a baby book and writing down what he does and his age and when she... welll the baby woulda been born... and it's kinda helping me cope... but it will always be hard on me you know for when i really do want to have kids you know...  his family... his sis is preggy again, and his one uncle isn't doing well... and ya... so its just been hard period. you know...

..and the thing was.... I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, and i have no one to really talk to you know.. and for me to talk talk, i bawl and balw and cry like a baby.... i've thought about getting momma and family rings... with his and mine birthstone in the sides.. and the baby woulda been born in feb... and having that stone in teh middle... but i don't know yet... one person who knows siad that would be a bad idea... but i keep wanting to do it.. but i'm still not sure on that... but at least earrings or something.... besides my book....



i know i've just made no sense and just rambeled, but know, things will be ok... and i kinda know what you're going through, but it's never the same.. i hope this gives you some help... and maybe makes you relize that even if you do give things up, you're not the only one... i probably cried throu all parts of it towards the end...  so if you owuld ever need anything... you can always email me if you ever need... i feel like i will end up being a bad mom in the end anyways... and i just feel like i'll never been a good anything ...... so who knows... but if you need to talk or email please do.. good luck.  i'll always love you "Mrs. Momma Bear!"     (<-had to give you a little smile to help with everything...)    :oD

 

I really understand what you're going through... i just turned 22... and had an abortion just last week... my boyfriend and i aren't in a completely stable relationship... i work as full time as i can... which is about 28-30 hrs depending on the week... and neither of us are finically stable either.  first thing and really only thing out of his mouth was "You're not keeping it... its not mine" i said you're the only one i've been with. he goes i know but you're not keeping it no baby is UNplanned.... and i KNOW some are.... and it pulls at me everyday some too.. and i've been tryin to cope .. and my mom is dealing with chemo again, and tho i'm not wise like you, i do know how it feels, and i didn't reallly have a choice.. and i appolidged EVERYDAY the week before adn said  i was sorry to my baby...  i have a pic of the ultra sound... and thats what gets me throu the times and i've done well have been workin on a baby book and writing down what he does and his age and when she... welll the baby woulda been born... and it's kinda helping me cope... but it will always be hard on me you know for when i really do want to have kids you know...  his family... his sis is preggy again, and his one uncle isn't doing well... and ya... so its just been hard period. you know...

..and the thing was.... I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, and i have no one to really talk to you know.. and for me to talk talk, i bawl and balw and cry like a baby.... i've thought about getting momma and family rings... with his and mine birthstone in the sides.. and the baby woulda been born in feb... and having that stone in teh middle... but i don't know yet... one person who knows siad that would be a bad idea... but i keep wanting to do it.. but i'm still not sure on that... but at least earrings or something.... besides my book....



i know i've just made no sense and just rambeled, but know, things will be ok... and i kinda know what you're going through, but it's never the same.. i hope this gives you some help... and maybe makes you relize that even if you do give things up, you're not the only one... i probably cried throu all parts of it towards the end...  so if you owuld ever need anything... you can always email me if you ever need... i feel like i will end up being a bad mom in the end anyways... and i just feel like i'll never been a good anything ...... so who knows... but if you need to talk or email please do.. good luck.  i'll always love you "Mrs. Momma Bear!"     (<-had to give you a little smile to help with everything...)    :oD

 

Just posting an up date for those that may have been following my story.

Things have been up and down in my life (very busy at work) and so not a lot of time during the day to over think my situation, but as night falls and the house darkens so does my mood. I found myself hiding in the laundry and having a good cry as all the family slept last night and again I am crying as I sit here and type to you all.

Just when I think I am OK - something happens and I am not !!!

I have to wait another 2 weeks before I can get in to see the Therapist of my choice and I am hoping that this will help me. She also has experience with people suffering from a range of medical conditions which is why I have chosen her (in the hope that she can help me see my Husband's side of the events aswell as my own). Although to be honest I am not feeling overly loving towards him and am feeling very selfish and want to shut him out and wallow in my own misery at this point in time. It is so sad that I just want him to feel the pain and loss that I do at this moment.

He was talking on the weekend about selling the last of our 'Baby Stuff' as we won't need it and all I could think was - because you made me kill my baby. Though in reality I know that I should have/could have been stronger and stood my ground and perhaps circumstances may have been different.

Sorry everyone but I am not in a happy place today and just needed an outlet.

Will keep you posted

 

Celicasx, I am sorry you went through what you went through but am glad to hear you have an appt with a counselor. I had an abortion years ago and I had to forgive myself to get well.  I didn't deal with my abortion initially because I was fighting a severe illness for years and didn't have the energy to deal with my actions until years later.  I completed all the stages of grieving, named my child and finally forgave myself. There is healing after an abortion if one seeks such. I hope you can forgive your husband as well so this doesn't tear you apart. You can overcome this pain but it takes work. I don't know if you are spiritual but crying out to the Lord is what healed me the most. Good luck and God bless. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," Says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

 

I am not sure if I am too late in telling you this. I had an abortion, i was not married and pregnant with my boyfriend. He told me that he is not passionate enough to marry me and i was worried to be a single mum, and being in Asia...unwedded mum is frown upon. 

After the abortion. we were so down and the pain never go away...we decided to have another baby...and despite not being married still, we are committed to each other finally.

the pain of the abortion still never go away. When we look at our littlebaby now...we are really happy that God gives us a second chance and always think what a huge mistake we have done...

The pain and hurt is really deep that we sometimes cannot even mention the word or hear the word abortion. I hope you will not go through with it.

 

Still struggling and trying to work through the haze, not all days are bad - but they still present themselves.
Things between Hubby and I are not the same as they were and to be honest I know they never will be. We/I still need to be totally honest and discuss the whole issue and our future for once and for all, but every time I go to something happens and I chicken out (for the want of a better term).
I guess I am just a tad more emotional as my EDD is April 16th which is fast approaching..... oh for what might have been.
Celica.

 

My problem wasn’t really a miscarriage. I have had a horrible situation and I would like to share it with other women. Perhaps some of you know how I feel. I have had an abortion. I didn’t want to have an abortion and I hate myself for doing it. I don’t have any kids. I have never been pregnant before. In fact, my boyfriend and I didn’t want to have children, at least not yet. He is two years younger than I am. I am 28 and he is 26. He is certainly immature and it is ok with me if he doesn’t want children. However, when I found out I was pregnant I started feeling different. Suddenly, I felt like another life is growing inside me and I wanted this child. I was told by my doctors that if I did this abortion, I would never be able to conceive again, due to other things, which I will not discuss here. I spoke to my boyfriend about this. I didn’t tell him I was definitely pregnant, but I wanted to know his attitude, so we spoke. I told him that I wanted to have that child and he wouldn’t even have to be there for be and the baby. I didn’t even ask for anything. I didn’t want to change his life and I was ready to take care of my baby on my own, without his help. I told him ”If you don’t want us, you will not even have to see us if you don’t want to. We won’t need anything from you, if you don’t want to take part in this. I just can’t sacrifice this little life inside me”. He said to me: “I don’t want this child. It would change my life, which I don’t want to happen”. I said: But you wouldn’t have to see us at all. He said; “Yes, but imagine that I already have children. Would you be with me and love me if I already had children?” I said “Of course, I would love both you and your child”. He was afraid that his future girlfriend would have a problem with him having a kid with his ex. This is monstrous. I felt like I was just a passenger in his life and like he didn’t want anything serious with me. I used to love him with all my heart, even though he never deserved it. He was acting like a little spoiled kid, ever since I knew him. According to many people, I have certain qualities that are not so easy to find in a woman. However, that wasn’t enough for him to respect me. There were men in my life that wanted to marry me and have kids with me, but I was still in love with him only. According to his statement, women who have children do not deserve to be loved. This is monstrous as well. Then we broke up. I went to have an abortion all by my self. I didn’t tell anyone because I was protecting him. I didn’t tell this even to my own mother, because I didn’t want anyone to speak badly of him. I cannot describe how I felt back then. The pain I felt in my soul was horrible. I was all alone. He didn’t even want to speak to me for two months, like I never existed. I started having nightmares and I started feeling seriously depressed. I cannot describe how vivid my dreams are. I am afraid to go to bed at night. And I sleep alone, even though I don’t have to. One day I snapped and told him what I have done. I had to tell someone, because I started feeling suicidal. I was in deep depression, and I still am. I couldn’t forgive my self for sacrificing that beautiful life that was growing inside me. I sacrificed it because of that young man who was never worth it. I believe he is still looking for some other girl, even though he is still with me. He washed his hands clean of this, and I am depressed and felling worse. He knows about my condition and knows that he is responsible, too, but is still acting as nothing happened. He blames me for being nervous and depressed, like he can’t understand what I am going through. I have horrible nightmares, I can’t sleep, I am alone all the time, feeling extremely bad and abandoned. I can’t even talk to anyone, don’t go out, cry a lot and spend most of my time hating myself and thinking about how good it would be if I would just vanish. The worst thing is that I have no one to talk to, and I know I need some professional help, before I harm myself. I am afraid of talking to him, because I still love him and, for some irrational reason, I don’t want him to go away. I know he is not worth of anything, and I have no idea why I love him so much, especially after everything what he has done to me. He has already forgotten about it, as if it was nothing, as it never happened. But it did happen and one innocent life was sacrifices because of his selfishness and my own weakness. I feel like I have destroyed the life of one child, and my own life, too. I don’t know how long I will be able to carry on like this. I am going through a deep depression and I am worried about myself. I hate my self and sometimes I hate him, too. I am sorry for writing all this, but I had to tell someone. I hope you will make some sense out of this. I can’t.