I Hate My Mother In Law Forum & Chat Board | Help! Mother-in-law from Hell!

I am new to this forum and typically don't subscribe to the idea of them. However, I am currently at a complete loss for how to deal with my mother-in-law. My wife and I have been married for 14 years and been together for a total of 22 years. We have 3 children ages 12, 10, and 8. 

My MIL and I have never gotten along. Let me give a brief background. She is currently on her 3rd marriage (as is my wife's father). My wife and I met in college and have been together since. My MIL has told my wife she didn't like from the beginning. For years I didn't do anything to deserve her dislike. All I did was not kiss her *** when she looked for it. She was an only child and has been clinically diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She likes to tell everyone the story of how she was in college and couldn't cut her own meat at the dinner table and her father had to do it for her. 

Anyway, for years the relationship got worse and worse. My wife and I lived in a different state than her which made things worse. When my wife and I were engaged, she told my wife "if you marry him, we will have to make the best of it". She refused to throw a wedding shower for my wife so my family had to. She was asked about being part of it and declined but became very upset when my family hosted the shower. She then had one in the state where she lives and invited all her friends. My wife cried throughout that entire shower. She is on our wedding video making faces and comments about "not being able to wait until this thing is over". 

Over the years there has been instances of petty things. I invited her and her third husband for dinner once to try and make amends. She proclaimed she would do the dishes for everyone but left all of my things sitting there. I was at her wedding (3rd) when a woman I don't know came up to me and thought I was my wife's sister's boyfriend. The woman stated "So you are the good one.".

My first born was a boy. She has taken it out on him repeatedly because she sees me in him. She does things like get my daughters gifts and not bring my son anything. Petty I know, but still aggravating. Once that started happening, I began to do everything I could to spite the woman. I know it wasn't right but I had had enough. So, I know I have contributed to the issue over the last 12 years. 

My wife and I moved further away 3 years ago to make a better life for our kids. We moved away from my family to do so. A price I was willing to pay for my kids. Anyway, in April of 2011, my wife and I went to Disney World for vacation. Her mother was down there the whole time but refused to come see her grandkids. She wanted my wife to bring them to her. My kids wanted to stay and have fun in Disney. So, after essentially begging, my wife convinced her mother to meet us for dinner at Rainforest Cafe at the Animal Kingdom. 

We waited to fer her mother who was a half an hour late and when she walked up to us, she started on me right away with her crude and snide comments. Well, twenty years of pent up frustration and biting my tongue let loose. After dinner, I told her and her husband exactly what I thought of them. Her husband, stepped up to take a swing at me. Now, I am in a profession that deals with conflict all the time and have fought many a fights with all kinds of people. Had he taken a swing at me, I could've hurt him easily. So, I got close to him and explained if he wanted to go to the next step it wouldn't end well for him.  

He backed off and ended up going our separate ways. Well, several days later, he became sick and I was blamed for stressing him out. Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. I don't know. Now, I haven't spoken a word to either of them in almost two full years. No big deal on my part. They again, have taken it out on my kids. For instance, last January my daughter was hospitalized with what at the time was a serious health condition. My MIL was driving from NY to FL and passed within 10 minutes of the hospital and didn't stop to see my daughter. Not even a call to see how she was. 

Anyway, more has happened between me and mi sister-in-law because I am not shy about posting my feelings on Facebook. I know it's childish and I shouldn't do it but I can't stand them. The crux of my current problem is she is again driving to FL from NY and my wife invited her to see the kids. She told her she will have to bring them to see her. She won't stop at the house because she won't see me. I have even said, I wouldn't be around. I'll find something to do. 

To make an extremely long story short, I want to tell my wife if she brings the kids to see her, I am going to be pissed. Is that wrong? Part of me thinks it is and part of me thinks it's not. This woman is a vile human being and shouldn't be around my kids. I know I shouldn't demand my wife cut ties with her but I also feel my wife (who has let it go this far through the years and never stood up for herself, me or the kids) make a choice. 

 

Wow, she is the MIL from hell.  I think your situation can't get any worse.  All those years wasted on childish games when at the end of the day the ones who are suffering are the grandchildren. 

If it were me, I would not let those people near my children.  Not buying a present for one and buying one for the others is aweful.  It is a big deal to that child.

It is hard to cut ties with family members, but all of you need to realize the family is you, your wife and your children.  The others are the extension of your family which means to can extend that relationship or cut it off. 

Moving will not solve the problem, your wife needs to "man" up and although you find it somewhat satisfying antagonizing your in-laws but I think IMO you should lay low.

Good luck!!!

 

Thanks for the reply. It's gotten worse over the last week. She refuses to come to the house and see my wife and kids. She states "she doesn't want to be take any more abuse from me". Now, my wife is extremely angry with me. Like I said in my earlier post, I have been spiteful over the last few years but this week, I did absolutely nothing. I didn't say anything negative or make any demands. I simply told my wife to let me know what the plan was so I can make sure I'm not around. That was before her mother told her she wouldn't come to the house. 

Now my wife is threatening divorce. Wants me to go to counseling with her. I even told her I would go to counseling as long as she did one thing. I told her to fix it with her mother once and for all or end it with her mother once and for all. I told her I would do whatever she needed me to do to fix it. I told her to call her mother and have her come to the house so we can settle this once and for all or I don't go to counseling. My thought was why bother go to counseling when the biggest issue (really the only issue) we have will rear it's ugly head down the road again. So, my wife contacted my MIl and asked her to come to the house and settle this or her marriage is going to end. Her mother told her and emphatic no. 

Now, I knew that was going to happen. I just wanted to try and open my wife's eyes to the fact that her mother has wanted to do nothing but end our marriage from the beginning. I have agreed to go with my wife to a counselor but again, but I've told her she needs to accept the idea I won't ever be on good terms with her mother or she can end it with her mother. I left it up to her. Not sure if that was the right thing to do. 

 

kpm, how are things?  How has counceling gone for the both of you?  I am sorry that you and your wife cannot come to common ground.  It is unfortunate that she is not focusing on her family and too much has gone into her mother's world.  The mother is controlling the daughter, the MIL's disorder is about control and the success of the outcome.  It will be a win for the MIL if you both ended your marriage.  That would be devastating to the family.  At the end of the day, the main concern is the kids. 

Your wife does need counceling with the mom  not with your.  Your fine, the mother/daughter relationship is not healthy.  Sometimes it takes a crisis to bring opportunity.  The question you need to ask yourself, do you really think that your wife will follow through with a divorce?  If you think she won't, the premise of a divorce might be the solution to healing/mending/reparing the problems. 

People sometimes needs a consequence and no that enough is enough in order to change.  Yeah, to antagonize might not be mature, my suggestion would be to continue to press the "mute" button for the time being.  Take care of your children, your wife & MIL need to fix their issues. 

Good Luck..Ugh..Keep me posted.