I Hate My Mother In Law Forum & Chat Board | Should I let M-I-L see grandbaby?

My husband and I welcomed our first child last December; a precious baby girl. She's the first grandchild on either side of the family. So far, my mother in law has not met her. She lives in another state and while we have travelled to visit other family in that state (about 4 hours drive from her) we have made it a point to not let her know that we're there.
A little background on this story. My mother in law is not your run-of-the-mill crazy in-law. She's flat evil and hurtful to those around her. I'm not talking about me. In fact, her and I had a run in some years ago and she straight avoids me at this point. But she's hurtful to my husband and her father and his wife and pretty much leaves a scar on anyone she comes into contact with. My husband was an only child and she was a single-mother. He desparately wants a loving relationship with her, but I'm not sure that she's capable of that. He's a hopeless optimist.
Well, so is his grandfather and now HE's pressuring us to arrange a meeting for the monster-in-law and our little girl.
Just thinking about it makes me go all primal. I hate seeing trusting people hurt and who's more trusting than an infant? I'm really worried that she's going to pretend to be #1 Grandma only to start playing the same games that she plays with my husband's emotions.
So 1) should I get over it? 2) how do I get over it?

 

  I believe in MY situation that I am the crazy mil, too. They are the total innocents. Her (the dil). HER mother. HER sisters-were just being real and me?? the BIG MEANIE comes along and is all bi-polar, so hard to get along with, etc.  So, 8 years later, I haven't spoken to them since. I sent an email a few days after their do and asked my son what I did, what his step sister did, his step father (who dearly paid for the GIFTS, the PARTIES, etc), what MY siblings did to deserve the stuff she and HER family dished out.  He told me:  NO MORE EMAILS.  To get passed this, I would have to apologize to dil and her mother.  Apologize for what? I was the one with two dogs that were starved by dil to be. I was the one that was NOT included in any of the plans - at all, ever. His sister was the one NEVER called about the wedding details-but was IN the stupid thing. I was the one (and my table of family) that was forgotten to be served at the wedding shower (hmmm...getting the drift, here?), and on and on and on.  I stayed out of their business when they lived together.  I had them over when ever they could make it for dinner.  No biggy. I liked her.  He told me, he didn't really love her - she was just his sure thing.  We included her as much as we could.  He was drinking HEAVILY. We helped him pay for a truck he missed many payments on. ($1300 that we didn't have - but it was an emergency...his drinking was taking a toll).  I asked him once if I could borrow the truck-maybe a month after I rescued it from repo!  for my car was in the shop and he was using his clunker to go to work - I was TOLD NO. He was on limited miles. Yep.  NO!   After I just handed repo man $1300 in three back payments?  Found out she (soon to be fiance) was driving it back and forth to nursing school.  Ohhhh, then why didn't SHE pay the back payments?  By the way, repo man was at MY front door at 1 am in the morning looking for my son and that truck.  Not THEIR little love nest.  Woke ME up. And his Step dad (who had the $5000 wedding gift money), his step-sister who was a bridesmaid, and our pets.  NICE touch, son.  Thanks.  SHE has ALL THE CONTROL over him:  food, clothes, friends, job, email (I think she erased a few of mine), etc., etc., etc.  She did get him off of the chewing tobacco and beer. Which is good. Why stop there?   She did away with our little coffee meet ups.  She said NO MORE.  ok. She must have seen something I did right while raising him - away from his alcoholic father. FOR - She married him?!!  I really feel that if her mother stayed out of the planning and stopped with the cruel jokes, we would at least be cordial to each other today.  That was NOT to be.

  Well, they had a child five years ago or so.  Don't really know, don't really care.  Why should I care? He had a son too,  that I never got a chance to know, so why should I go all wilty over this one? Did she really refer to as Gramma Nanny--her FREE babysitter to be?  I read on her MYSPACE that we passed in a parking lot at a store near my house.  I don't recall. She (dil) claims I  looked down when passing her/them.  And she knows this was INTENTIONAL. (What?) Then she writes:  How could his mother do this?  She's just an innocent child?  (Do what? To whom?Me?  I did something to an innocent child? what child? where? when?  what is this wackadoo talking about?)  What did I do to the innocent child?  Just walked by looking at my keys - or for my keys?  (Truth is I don't look at every person I am passing in a parking lot.  But I do look for keys, phone, etc--do YOU look at each and every person in a parking lot? And if YOU see someone YOU know, do YOU say HI--or what?)   I read about my being so cruel in her PUBLIC post on her MYSPACE.  Read how I was bipolar. How could my son have turned out ok?  and on and on and on.  The fact remains SHE SAW ME AND DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.  How am I at fault?  And there you go. 

It is ALL ME. 

NOT HER. 

Never was and never will be.  I am the monster inlaw.  That gave her nice waterford wine glasses her sister drank pepsi out of.  Like she could afford to replace any of it.  It was my set.  We don't have the money her father does. I gave her my wine goblets.  oh well.  AND a white leather chair/ottman.  BRAND NEW.  GORGEOUS.  It was too large for the area I wanted it for...and IT WAS BRAND NEW.  (ew, I heard her say "used junk?")  sheesh.  can't win this one over.  ok.  how about the $5000 wedding gift - cash?  The rehearsal dinner?  Where ever groom was to pay, we were there.  I mean come on, didn't your soon to be spouse save any money???   His mom and stepdad was to pay?  WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY LIKE HER PARENTS.  I volunteered to pay for dj - NOPE.  (But her mom did tell the dj not to play our requests since we didn't pay for it...you could hear her over the mike).   Photos?  NOPE.  There was never a "FAMILY" photo - with both families.  Or me/husband/daughter with son and new dil.  So, if I had paid for them - I could control the pics taken to a point, right?  My list of invites for shower was cut in half. She needed to invite her new fil to be family (that my son hadn't seen for years and they BOTH made fun of for he gave the two soap for a Christmas gift) so my list was cut.  Her dh asked my neighbor if she planned on going to the shower...he didn't know she didn't get an invite because of his new bride to be...oh well.  My fault. I am bipolar monsterinlaw. The new dil to be did suggest $2500 FOR FLOWERS FOR RECEPTION that I could spring for.  To be thrown away the next day?? WHAT?   We don't have that money. (I spent it on the truck she was using to go to school a few months back)  I did bring it up to son, he said NO that is dumb to pay that amount and have them thrown away.  That was the ONLY thing I was asked to help with.  Her mother even bought the groomsmens little flowers for their lapels...that way, I could get the big reception flower bill.  Do you see a theme here?  We were never included.  Never told of info.  Son "didn't know"  The things she and her family did to us, was cruel.  Beyond insane.  But I am cruel/bipolar because I didn't say anything to an innocent child.  Nice play, daughterinlaw. You made it sound like I did something. Why didn't YOU SPEAK UP IF YOU SAW ME?  But your friends all read it on your myspace so it MUST BE MY FAULT.  Now? Your dh has been disowned by his mother, and his sister.  We don't need you in our lives, either.  Have 10 kids, I don't care.  I will be SURE TO IGNORE you and pretend I need to look at my cell, now.  Each and every time. For YOU are NOT WORTH TROUBLE.   This you can be sure of.  You are NOT worth the time. You never were. Not to me.  Hope this is what you wanted for your new little family.  And good luck with it.  You don't have me to blame any more. I want no part of it.  You have YOUR JOB, YOUR CAR, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR MOM, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY...and he was the guy breathing next to you at your wedding.  We all know YOUR FATHER paid alot to give you your wishes at your mother's insisting.  She controls you, dear.  Let her be gramma nanny, k? 

  (Just giving you MY side of MY story.  I don't know you personally, but I am giving YOU an opportunity to stop calling your husband's mom the monsterinlas and blaming her for things SHE NEVER DID TO YOU!  The bride I am talking about and HER MOTHER, were the evils.  But somehow bridey twisted it and lied.  I only loved my son. Raised him on my own. Never ever had a problem like this - except once with MY ex-mil. But I worked it thru because I once loved my son with my whole being. More than life. I gave up alot so he could feel and be loved. And it really didn't matter.  NO MORE EMAILS.  Now?  I regret taking his dad back to court and getting SON away from him. I regret letting him move into MY new home with MY new family. I regret taking him and his friends to parks, shows, etc. I regret opening up my first charge card account and buying him his first new two wheel bike, since his dad never did. I regret going to walt disney for a "honeymoon" for we took him.  His dad promised to take him, but never did.  My son was 11 yo and stood up in my wedding with my new husband and all three went to FL. I regret loaning him the money to buy a new car (I was driving a very old junk). I regret buying him that brand new red scooter at 16 yo so he could get to work. I regret paying his truck payments so it wasn't repoed. I regret everything.  I have disowned him because of my daughterinlaw  (I also regret begging the school board to let him finish high school since he flunked freshman year and he was now 19) I regret going and bailing him out of jail and loving him. I regret paying his bills. I regret helping him with money while he was messing up in the air force. I regret everything.  Now?  Is this what she wanted?  Is this what YOU want?  think about it.  there are TWO sides to every story)

 

Your post sounds like it's coming from a place of anger.
"Well, they had a child five years ago or so. Don't really know, don't really care. Why should I care?" ---Maybe this has a
something to do with why your doughter in law is upset with you. I don't know your story either, but you mentioned bipolar a few times. Maybe there's something to that. Maybe you should discuss with a therapist that can help you understand how your actions may have escalated your situation.

Anyhow, I'm looking for some input that's a little more balanced. I don't want this thread to get overshadowed by your situation. I really do want some honest (and unbiased) input. I'm trying to find a balance between protecting my daughter and not contributing to the riff that already exists between MIL and my husband. If anyone else has something to add, I'd love to hear it. 

 

It sounds like a very difficult decision you are forced to make.  I'm stuck in a somewhat similar situation with a diagnosed bipolar FIL and a very borderline MIL.  They have already driven a wedge between my husband and his 3 brothers and all the SIL's and are now working on causing a rift between my two sons.  My husband is in denial of their behavior and is constantly insisting on regular interaction (and they live 5 minutes away).  I think you are very fortunate to live so far away from your MIL and can exercise more control over your situation.  I would suggest either cutting all ties if possible or have very, very limited visits with her.  I wouldn't stay with her or allow her to stay with you for a visit.  Instead, I think you could agree to see her (maybe meet up somewhere inbetween on your way elsewhere) only for a few hours, once a year.  I think it may be healthy for your child to know who that person is from a distance (where your MIL has no ability to manipulate her), so that you can explain to your daughter later on what was happening.  I always worry that family history may repeat itself and feel that its good to give your kids some very controlled lessons in life (if you find it's at all possible).    

 

Hi JillBlue

You don't say in your post how this is affecting your husband?  If its really upsetting him then maybe it would be worth it to visit, like the other poster said, in a neutral place for a short time.  I definitely wouldn't let anybody pressurise you into going to visit her.  This should be something yourself and your husband discuss and decide. 

I wonder do you even need to be putting yourself through all this uncertainty, has she asked to meet your baby?  Does she want to meet her? 

I would think that if she plays those mindgames with your husband who is her son, then why would she treat your daughter any different?

Good luck, let us know what you decide 

 

Thank you both for your input. You're absolutely right Prophecy. At least she doesn't live in the same state. And I think there's something to the family history repeating itself. I met my M-I-L's half sister a few months ago (terribly disconnected family) and she accused her grandmother, mother and daughter of being the same way. I have to say, I detected a bit of it in her as well... so I'm definitely going to be conscientious of keeping my daughter from heading down the same path.
We're going to visit my husband's grandfather this weekend and have told M-I-L that we will be there and she is planning on coming down one day for a visit. I'm not thrilled, but I'm coping. But like any mother would, I'm sure I'll have my guard up.
My husband thanks me for being supportive and has promised that if she's not on her best behavior we won't do this again.
I wish things could be different, but I really do think she may be ill. I don't know enough about mental illness to try to label it, but I certainly think that munchausen by proxy may be part of her problem. My husband agrees and we have at least made the decision that M-I-L will never be left alone with our little one.

Thank you both again. And I'll be praying for you Prophecy. I hope that you and your husband remain solid and can weather this together.

 

Odetolove-sounds like you need to be in a different group.

JillBlue-please let us know how it goes. I'm in the exact same boat about letting MIL see our future baby. (due in Oct.)