on 04:42AM at Apr 29th, 2009
I cant stand it anymore I dont knwo why I hate myself I just always have I cant think of anything good about me I have done everything I can to try and get rid of that feeling the black whole inside of me wich destroyes any happiness I have tried to attain I have tried religion I have tried friends and nothing works they all just disapear or die so I have even tried being the part of something bigger and protect people and even in the military as inantry in the marines I hate myself I have beent o war I have fought for those precoise freedoms that everyone has and yet I still hate who I am I have travelled all around the world working hard wherever I am trying to find something to make me feel better I dont knwo what else to do what can I do this damn balckness inside of me is slowly destroying me in total it is hard to do my work and not let others see how I feel and keep it from my work....please help I dont know how much longer I can go I wont stop pushing myself till I fall I cant let those who I protect be hurt.....please.
on 02:39AM at May 4th, 2009
I'm soooooooo right there with you!!!!! I've always hated myself. I hate myself so much that i can't even stand a compliment from anyone at all. I noticed I'll go to the lengths of verbally abusing someone who compliments me! LOL I'm laughing because I'm the type of person who goes out of their way not to offend or hurt or do anything that bothers anyone, but here i am swearing at someone who is telling me I'm beautiful. I had to think about what i just did when i realized i did it. Apparently i do this all the time and i don't even notice it. Like an automatic reaction, if anyone says anything nice about me they get verbally smacked in the face. I was trying to analyze my behavior and what i came up with is maybe I'm doing that subconsciously to ensure they never do it again. Like learned behavior and Pavlov's dog. They compliment, I hurt them. They compliment I hurt them. They compliment I hurt them. Till the next time complimenting me comes to mind they'll think about hurt and then they won't dare do it.
Anyway, I started going to Codependents anonymous this week and I'm learning to face the why? why do I hate myself. Twelve step is powerful for anyone really. It's so successful for many issues. I am one of the most skeptical people you'll meet. I didn't believe for a second that this could help me. But I also realized that I demonize anything that will help me, or force me to help myself, or force me to face myself and my feelings which I have been ignoring or not willing to deal with. I kicked myself in the butt and said a step in any direction is better than no step at all. I had no where else to start... so I went. It's pretty interesting because the actual act of going there knowingly to face my self hate was powerful.
It took me three attempts to actually get there, The first two times I chickened out. One time I actually drove there and parked and sat there and couldn't get myself to get out of the car. But here I go... going again and trying to find out what the hell is wrong...
Last edited on 03:01AM at May 4th, 2009; edited a total of 1 time
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