I Have a Joke to Tell

Got a joke? Tell it here! 230 People

    An Irishman walks into a job interview A

    Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 4

    A programmer's wife tells him: β€˜Run to the

    store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.’ The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
    femgineer femgineer
    31-35, F
    1 Response Jun 20, 2014

    Five Surgeons

    Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses Jul 27, 2009

    The elderly couple had finally learned how to

    send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send...
    Robert09 Robert09
    61-65, M
    Dec 23, 2013

    Why do engineers often confuse Halloween

    and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
    femgineer femgineer
    31-35, F
    1 Response Jun 20, 2014

    Green Grass

    One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife.She was in a sexy little nighty." tie me up" she purred, "and you can do any thing you want!.So he tied her up and went golfing.
    thesower thesower
    51-55
    Feb 27, 2011

    That awkward "I really hate to annoy you,

    but I really like talking to you" stage. .-. -this is from Wattpad. I take no credit for this. :)
    Conrad219 Conrad219
    16-17, M
    Jun 24, 2014

    Just Jokn'

    What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow Balls
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    1 Response Oct 10, 2013

    how come Peter Pan is always flying?

    Cause he can neverland. I love that joke cause it never grows old XD
    JaidenCorona JaidenCorona
    36-40, F
    1 Response Jun 20, 2015

    Bar Jokes

    A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "I'll serve you, just don't start anything in here"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Oct 17, 2013

    Bar Jokes

    A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Why the long Face"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Oct 4, 2013

    Joke Time

    A Natural Resource walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says I am sorry, but I can't serve you. You've been Wasted all day!!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Oct 11, 2013

    A blonde and her friend were off to rob a bank.

    The boy gave her some instructions and in she went..... 15 minutes later... The blonde came out with a rope in her hand, tied to the safe and with the security guard running behind her, with his pants down. Seeing this, the friend got extremely angry and said,' I told you to...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 4, 2014

    A couple, both age 78,

    went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50...
    Roz2014 Roz2014
    41-45, F
    1 Response Dec 14, 2015

    Blonde!!

    A man came home from work and saw his wife in the garden. She had a Cheerios box in her hand. He saw her bent over putting something in the the ground. He asked what she was doing. She said " I am planting the doughnut seeds"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Oct 29, 2013

    dad : why u r late for school johnny:

    because of the Sing dad : Wat sing johnny: the sing that says ** school ahead go slow lol :D
    hmkspain hmkspain
    16-17, M
    Sep 13, 2014

    I saw my shrink the other day.

    ..and I told her well, Doc...I don't listen to my voices anymore...THEY NOW LISTEN TO ME!!
    pelgrim71 pelgrim71
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Jan 10, 2015

    on the phone with bf,

    he was having a man to man convo with his bud..it came to the point where his bud asked him a cheating question if he would cheat or not some shitt like that.... he muted the call saying after "I know you're sensitive towards these questions so I mute it but I told him I wouldn...
    apperentlyicanthavemynameagain apperentlyicanthavemynameagain
    22-25, F
    2 Responses Jan 24

    yo mamma is so fat she wanted a belt

    so they gave her one of Saturn's
    anshaw anshaw
    13-15, F
    Jun 20, 2015

    AH Stands For....

    A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jul 27, 2009

    Elderly couple coming up

    for their 40th wedding anniversary. He reminds her of the restaurant they met at, and suggests they celebrate there, just the two of them. She says 'That's so sweet and romantic, lets do it'. So they go, and have a great meal, and a good time. She says as they leave, you know, 4...
    Robert09 Robert09
    61-65, M
    10 Responses Dec 18, 2013

    Show Him Your Badge!

    A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location. The police officer...
    thesower thesower
    51-55
    4 Responses Feb 6, 2011
    Elayla Elayla
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Sep 15, 2014

    A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

    "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest *****, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a...
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    51-55, M
    1 Response Oct 30, 2015

    Children And God

    The children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.One of the nuns made a note, and posted it on the apple tray."Take one, God is watching."Moving further down the line at the end of the table...
    thesower thesower
    51-55
    1 Response Sep 21, 2013

    LEGAL or LOGICAL Chintu failed in the final Law

    Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor. Chintu: Sir, Can I ask you one question? Professor: Yes. Chintu: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading. Professor agreed. Chintu asked: "What is legal...
    Roz2014 Roz2014
    41-45, F
    1 Response Oct 3, 2015

    A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia

    after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're...
    littlecarmel littlecarmel
    26-30, F
    May 8, 2015

    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband

    and wife in Dublin (or city of choice) were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the...
    Robert09 Robert09
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 23, 2013

    Ok I'm at work and this lady is upstairs 20

    feet from the stairs and she asks how do I get down. I was thinking how the **** did u get up there. This really happen today haha
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 16, 2014

    Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

    He was hit by a bus. (I love anti-jokes cx)
    PendulEmPlum PendulEmPlum
    18-21, F
    May 8, 2015

    Joke Time Again

    I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    1 Response Oct 15, 2013

    Juan Juan was thirty

    when Juan juan died. Wait no. Juan Juan wasn't thirty when he died. Juan juan died when he was thirty Juan.
    AwkwardLizard AwkwardLizard
    22-25, F
    Jun 20, 2015

    Guess who was supposed to go to Vegas tomorrow?

    Guess who got sick earlier today?
    fairlydecentperson fairlydecentperson
    18-21, M
    Dec 18, 2015

    Helium walks into a bar

    and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." He doesn't react.
    femgineer femgineer
    31-35, F
    Jun 20, 2014

    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his

    girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over the the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads...
    generalruckus generalruckus
    31-35, M
    5 Responses Sep 10, 2014

    And if you think lawyers don't have hearts.

    Read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none. The United Way Health Research Foundation realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened...
    BlondieHills BlondieHills
    46-50, F
    5 Responses Apr 10, 2014

    :p

    What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta. lol xD
    LikeAPrayer LikeAPrayer
    18-21, F
    Dec 22, 2012

    Bartender?

    A termite walks into a bar. He asks: "Is the bartender here"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    7 Responses Oct 8, 2013

    Okay well here it is.

    ....... My life Just kidding😝😝😝😝😝
    MichaelEgitto MichaelEgitto
    13-15, M
    1 Response Nov 16, 2015
    Qtbugg Qtbugg
    16-17, F
    6 Responses Jun 20, 2015

    Most men are like Wombats,

    They eat, roots, shoots and leaves
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 31, 2014

    Giraffe

    A giraffe walks into a bar and yells "The high balls are on me"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    1 Response Oct 4, 2013

    Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote...
    deadmoon deadmoon
    22-25, F
    2 Responses Jul 13, 2012

    It's kinda gross! You have been warned!

    Two tramps walk down the street when one spots a pavement pizza(where someone's been sick!) and he dives on it! Grabbing handfulls and shoving it into his mouth! The second tramp says "That is ****!ng disgusting! Yeuk how could you?" "What! I'm hungry!" Says his mate After a...
    picklebobble picklebobble
    51-55, M
    Oct 31, 2014

    the more laws you have on gun control,

    the more deaths you're gonna have as a result. it made me laugh anyway
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic
    36-40, F
    Jun 20, 2015

    This isn't my joke. I heard this.

    Just telling you so I don't take credit. I am an honest pug. A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and...
    puggylovey puggylovey
    18-21, M
    Nov 26, 2015

    The Tired Army Guy

    A soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But...
    wendu44 wendu44
    18-21, F
    1 Response Nov 23, 2012

    What do you call a black person

    and an Asian? White.
    CrystalBR CrystalBR
    18-21, F
    Oct 31, 2014
    Tigerlily53 Tigerlily53
    18-21, F
    Oct 2, 2014

    What book can you buy at a paint store?

    ..... Fifty Shades of Grey.... hahahahah.
    AwkwardLizard AwkwardLizard
    22-25, F
    Jun 20, 2015

    Why I Fired My Secretary

    Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    13 Responses May 22, 2009

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    2 Responses May 2, 2015
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