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I Have a Joke to Tell

Got a joke? Tell it here! 114 People

    Blond Curtains

     A Blond enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.' The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time...
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Feb 9, 2010

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    Giraffe

    A giraffe walks into a bar and yells "The high balls are on me"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 3 Responses Oct 4, 2013

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    Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road?

    A: He stapled himself to the chicken.
    TtotheD TtotheD 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 19, 2013

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    Mole Family

    A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up...
    TheChaosWithin TheChaosWithin 31-35, F Sep 30, 2012

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    Five Surgeons

    Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 27, 2009

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    There was an American,

    Canadian, and let's say Chinese were on a plane. (not to offend anyone or be racist). The American dropped a penny on his country and said "good luck for my country." The Canadian dropped a quarter on his country and said "good luck for my country." The German dropped a bomb on...
    ContagiousBrunette ContagiousBrunette 13-15, F 3 Responses Feb 13

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    Blonde Wants a Loan (must Read)

    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 9 Responses May 26, 2009

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    There was a dad with 3 sons.

    He told them to go and get some ping pong balls. The first boy went into the forest and found a ping pong ball. Good job said the dad The second boy went out and bought some ping pong balls. Good job said the dad The last boy came back with broken arm, leg and in a wheelchair. I...
    ContagiousBrunette ContagiousBrunette 13-15, F 2 Responses Feb 7

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    Elderly couple coming up

    for their 40th wedding anniversary. He reminds her of the restaurant they met at, and suggests they celebrate there, just the two of them. She says 'That's so sweet and romantic, lets do it'. So they go, and have a great meal, and a good time. She says as they leave, you know, 4...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M 6 Responses Dec 18, 2013

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    I am a male lesbian. That's the only thing I

    can figure, because I like girls so much!
    TtotheD TtotheD 56-60, M 1 Response Dec 9, 2013

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    Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote...
    deadmoon deadmoon 18-21, F 2 Responses Jul 13, 2012

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    Speaking Of Chickens.........

    A man is afraid of chickens. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor asks him, “Why are you afraid of these things? It is so small, it cannot eat you.” The man leaves the doctor and he sees a chicken and he is afraid. He returns to the doctor and says “But doctor, did you...
    destines destines 26-30, F 2 Responses Nov 21, 2013

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    Gotta Love Old Men

    I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Aug 20, 2009

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    Children And God

    The children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.One of the nuns made a note, and posted it on the apple tray."Take one, God is watching."Moving further down the line at the end of the table...
    thesower thesower 51-55 1 Response Sep 21, 2013

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    Show Him Your Badge!

    A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location. The police officer...
    thesower thesower 51-55 5 Responses Feb 6, 2011

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    Fallout 3 Jokes

    "War does not determine who is right - only who is left." "Two atoms are in a bar. One says, 'I think I lost an electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' To which the other replies, 'I'm positive.'" "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Sep 2, 2013

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    Green Grass

    One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife.She was in a sexy little nighty." tie me up" she purred, "and you can do any thing you want!.So he tied her up and went golfing.
    thesower thesower 51-55 1 Response Feb 27, 2011

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    A blonde and her friend were off to rob a bank.

    The boy gave her some instructions and in she went..... 15 minutes later... The blonde came out with a rope in her hand, tied to the safe and with the security guard running behind her, with his pants down. Seeing this, the friend got extremely angry and said,' I told you to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jan 4

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    Joke Time

    A Natural Resource walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says I am sorry, but I can't serve you. You've been Wasted all day!!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 5 Responses Oct 11, 2013

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    :p

    What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta. lol xD
    LikeAPrayer LikeAPrayer 18-21, F Dec 22, 2012

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    Overdose

    Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on viagra?......He's a little stiff now
    JimMorrisonRocks JimMorrisonRocks 26-30, M 1 Response Sep 20, 2012

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    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband

    and wife in Dublin (or city of choice) were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M Dec 23, 2013

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    Bar Jokes

    A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Why the long Face"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 6 Responses Oct 4, 2013

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    Just Jokn'

    What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow Balls
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 3 Responses Oct 10, 2013

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    Just A Joke!!

    A Rabbi, Priest, anda Minister walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and says: Is this some kind of a joke?!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 4 Responses Oct 4, 2013

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    I Just Heard The Worse Offensive Joke Ever

    My friend: Women soldiers are the best you know why? Me: why? My friend: Because they can bleed for a week without dying Me: -_- lol nice My friend: Hey I warned you it was offensive Me: I think it's funny My friend: Me too lol
    QueenOfPoetry QueenOfPoetry 16-17, F Nov 10, 2013

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    The Tired Army Guy

    A soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 1 Response Nov 23, 2012

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    Blonde Paint Job

     A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much...
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses Jul 2, 2010

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    Bar Jokes

    A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "I'll serve you, just don't start anything in here"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 6 Responses Oct 17, 2013

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    Bartender?

    A termite walks into a bar. He asks: "Is the bartender here"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 8 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    Blonde!!

    A man came home from work and saw his wife in the garden. She had a Cheerios box in her hand. He saw her bent over putting something in the the ground. He asked what she was doing. She said " I am planting the doughnut seeds"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 7 Responses Oct 29, 2013

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    Join The Army

    A person say's, "Mom, I think I'll join the army". His mother says " You can't join, your legally only an infant". He says" That's OK, I'm planning to join the infantry.LOL:)
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Aug 9, 2013

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    AH Stands For....

    A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade...
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jul 27, 2009

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    Not Supposed To Be Offensive

    1. The man was so fat that when he takes a shower his feet dont get wet 2. The lady has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on. 3.The man was so fat that when he stepped on to a talking scale it said "please one at a time" I realize these are not even that funny but at the...
    AlexQuaint AlexQuaint 16-17, F 1 Response Sep 21, 2012

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    Senior's Emoployee Notice:

    Due to current financial situation caused by the slow down in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.This scheme will be known as R.A.P...
    thesower thesower 51-55 Oct 20, 2012

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    Lotto

    A woman came home the other day screaming to her her husband hurry get packed I won the lottery.The husband says to his wife "what should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?".She replies " i don't care what you pack, just get out!". 
    thesower thesower 51-55 1 Response Mar 2, 2011

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    Joke Time Again

    I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 4 Responses Oct 15, 2013

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    The elderly couple had finally learned how to

    send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M Dec 23, 2013

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    Three Wishes

    A poor little old lonely lady lived in a house with only her cat for company. She was unable to pay her latest electric bill so her lights suddenly went out while she was knitting. She went up to her attic and found an old oil lamp. As she was rubbing it clean, a genie...
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses May 27, 2009

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    And if you think lawyers don't have hearts.

    Read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none. The United Way Health Research Foundation realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened...
    BlondieHills BlondieHills 46-50, F 2 Responses Apr 10

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    Why I Fired My Secretary

    Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good...
    deleted deleted 26-30 14 Responses May 22, 2009

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    Dumb Prison Guard

    Why did the dumb prison guard weigh all of the hookers in the ladies' unit, and then all the felons in the prison? ...Well, somebody told him that when he's making a big decision, he should always weigh the pros and cons. (Ba-dumTING)
    hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 3 Responses Dec 7, 2012

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    Related Experiences

    I'm fine- and I keep telling myself that :(
    calmj calmj 22-25, F Apr 2

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    I truly want to tell others how I feel, but lack courage to do so. I know it's me and that I shouldn't care about what others think of me and yet I still do. Self-confidence is...
    asert12345678 asert12345678 31-35, M 5 days ago

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    We got along, we laughed, we kissed, we were weird together. 4 months are now all just a memory. Why did u stop talking to me? That's all I wanna know...
    Laraamani Laraamani 18-21, F Mar 24

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    I can only talk to a select few people about how I really feel. Even with them, it's taken me awhile to be able to open up.
    LadyFranco LadyFranco 16-17, F Apr 2

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    I have joker poster everywhere, a joker wallet, Dc games with batman and joker, i went to Walmart when i was 15 just to buy batman sheets which are on my bed right now, batman...
    earpollution earpollution 18-21, F 1 Response Apr 12

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    Ok... If it's me y'all have to tell me. I left my husband in 2009. It was terrible. I went to school, made something of myself. Was working at a hospital. I got involved with a...
    DeeDee32 DeeDee32 31-35 2 days ago

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    It's awful to put your heart and soul into something and have someone tell you it's ****.
    ErraticallyGrey ErraticallyGrey 22-25, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    My grandpa died from cancer and we really didn't have a really good relationship since he lived so far. But I think that's what hurts the most, the fact that I didn't have that...
    omgchapstick omgchapstick 16-17, F Apr 3

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    When I was a freshman in high school my dad became an alcoholic and began to argue with me and my mom and then over time began to cheat and the fights between my parents heated up...
    PoetryGirl101 PoetryGirl101 16-17, F Apr 6

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    I was one of those lucky kids who got to have a cousin as a bestfriend and it actually wasn't one of those "we're only friends because we're cousins", but we actually just had so...
    landhoee landhoee 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    I'm 16 years old.There are 10 days till my birthday.I've been depressed for good 3 years.My whole puberty was a great mess.One year and two months ago,I got bulimic.Before that,I...
    mystiquebelle mystiquebelle 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    I'm always the one making like jokes that don't make sense and then I'm the only one who laughs at them. But my besties get my sense of humor... Sometimes.
    BBBritPlease BBBritPlease 18-21, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    Some more jokes....and riddles How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. Two...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F Mar 20

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