A man came home from work and saw his wife in the garden. She had a Cheerios box in her hand. He saw her bent over putting something in the the ground. He asked what she was doing. She said " I am planting the doughnut seeds"!
after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're...
Read the best lawyer
story of all time...bar none.
The United Way Health Research Foundation realized that it had never
received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened...
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good...
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote...
A soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost.
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
The children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.One of the nuns made a note, and posted it on the apple tray."Take one, God is watching."Moving further down the line at the end of the table...
girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over the the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads...
Women soldiers are the best you know why?
Because they can bleed for a week without dying
-_- lol nice
Hey I warned you it was offensive
I think it's funny
Me too lol
and wife in Dublin (or city of choice) were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try...
for their 40th wedding anniversary. He reminds her of the restaurant they met at, and suggests they celebrate there, just the two of them. She says 'That's so sweet and romantic, lets do it'. So they go, and have a great meal, and a good time.
She says as they leave, you know, 4...
A poor little old lonely lady lived in a house with only her cat for
company. She was unable to pay her latest electric bill so her lights
suddenly went out while she was knitting.
She went up to her attic and found an old oil lamp. As she was rubbing
it clean, a genie...
The boy gave her some instructions and in she went.....
15 minutes later...
The blonde came out with a rope in her hand, tied to the safe and with the security guard running behind her, with his pants down.
Seeing this, the friend got extremely angry and said,' I told you to...
A woman came home the other day screaming to her her husband hurry get packed I won the lottery.The husband says to his wife "what should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?".She replies " i don't care what you pack, just get out!".
A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade...
A man is afraid of chickens. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor asks him, “Why are you afraid of these things? It is so small, it cannot eat you.” The man leaves the doctor and he sees a chicken and he is afraid. He returns to the doctor and says “But doctor, did you...
Why did the dumb prison guard weigh all of the hookers in the ladies' unit, and then all the felons in the prison?
...Well, somebody told him that when he's making a big decision, he should always weigh the pros and cons.
A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch.
He talks with an old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs".
The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location.
The police officer...
send and receive
texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd
send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend.
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send...
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
"Two atoms are in a bar. One says, 'I think I lost an electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' To which the other replies, 'I'm positive.'"
"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks...