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I Have a Joke to Tell

Got a joke? Tell it here! 147 People

    The elderly couple had finally learned how to

    send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M Dec 23, 2013

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    Three Wishes

    A poor little old lonely lady lived in a house with only her cat for company. She was unable to pay her latest electric bill so her lights suddenly went out while she was knitting. She went up to her attic and found an old oil lamp. As she was rubbing it clean, a genie...
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses May 27, 2009

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    :p

    What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta. lol xD
    LikeAPrayer LikeAPrayer 18-21, F Dec 22, 2012

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    Why I Fired My Secretary

    Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good...
    deleted deleted 26-30 14 Responses May 22, 2009

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    Why do engineers often confuse Halloween

    and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
    femgineer femgineer 31-35, F 1 Response Jun 20

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    pappa94 pappa94 18-21, M May 1

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    Elayla Elayla 31-35, F 3 Responses Sep 15

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    Elderly couple coming up

    for their 40th wedding anniversary. He reminds her of the restaurant they met at, and suggests they celebrate there, just the two of them. She says 'That's so sweet and romantic, lets do it'. So they go, and have a great meal, and a good time. She says as they leave, you know, 4...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M 10 Responses Dec 18, 2013

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    It's kinda gross! You have been warned!

    Two tramps walk down the street when one spots a pavement pizza(where someone's been sick!) and he dives on it! Grabbing handfulls and shoving it into his mouth! The second tramp says "That is ****!ng disgusting! Yeuk how could you?" "What! I'm hungry!" Says his mate After a...
    picklebobble picklebobble 46-50, M Oct 31

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    The Tired Army Guy

    A soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F Nov 23, 2012

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    Giraffe

    A giraffe walks into a bar and yells "The high balls are on me"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 2 Responses Oct 4, 2013

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    Children And God

    The children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.One of the nuns made a note, and posted it on the apple tray."Take one, God is watching."Moving further down the line at the end of the table...
    thesower thesower 51-55 1 Response Sep 21, 2013

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    Green Grass

    One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife.She was in a sexy little nighty." tie me up" she purred, "and you can do any thing you want!.So he tied her up and went golfing.
    thesower thesower 51-55 Feb 27, 2011

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    Show Him Your Badge!

    A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location. The police officer...
    thesower thesower 51-55 4 Responses Feb 6, 2011

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    Bar Jokes

    A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "I'll serve you, just don't start anything in here"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 5 Responses Oct 17, 2013

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    I Just Heard The Worse Offensive Joke Ever

    My friend: Women soldiers are the best you know why? Me: why? My friend: Because they can bleed for a week without dying Me: -_- lol nice My friend: Hey I warned you it was offensive Me: I think it's funny My friend: Me too lol
    QueenOfPoetry QueenOfPoetry 16-17, F Nov 10, 2013

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    Speaking Of Chickens.........

    A man is afraid of chickens. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor asks him, “Why are you afraid of these things? It is so small, it cannot eat you.” The man leaves the doctor and he sees a chicken and he is afraid. He returns to the doctor and says “But doctor, did you...
    destines destines 26-30, F 2 Responses Nov 21, 2013

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    Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road?

    A: He stapled himself to the chicken.
    TtotheD TtotheD 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 19, 2013

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    Bartender?

    A termite walks into a bar. He asks: "Is the bartender here"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 8 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    What did Cinderella say

    when she got to the ball. (Choking sound) moral of the story is don't talk with your mouth full.
    REALWORDS823 REALWORDS823 18-21, F 2 Responses May 1

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    Blonde!!

    A man came home from work and saw his wife in the garden. She had a Cheerios box in her hand. He saw her bent over putting something in the the ground. He asked what she was doing. She said " I am planting the doughnut seeds"!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 6 Responses Oct 29, 2013

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    A roman walks into a bar

    and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" Asked the bartender. The roman replies, "If I had wanted a double, I would've asked for it!"
    femgineer femgineer 31-35, F Jun 20

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    Dumb Prison Guard

    Why did the dumb prison guard weigh all of the hookers in the ladies' unit, and then all the felons in the prison? ...Well, somebody told him that when he's making a big decision, he should always weigh the pros and cons. (Ba-dumTING)
    hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 3 Responses Dec 7, 2012

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    Fallout 3 Jokes

    "War does not determine who is right - only who is left." "Two atoms are in a bar. One says, 'I think I lost an electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' To which the other replies, 'I'm positive.'" "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Sep 2, 2013

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    Lotto

    A woman came home the other day screaming to her her husband hurry get packed I won the lottery.The husband says to his wife "what should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?".She replies " i don't care what you pack, just get out!". 
    thesower thesower 51-55 1 Response Mar 2, 2011

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    A blonde and her friend were off to rob a bank.

    The boy gave her some instructions and in she went..... 15 minutes later... The blonde came out with a rope in her hand, tied to the safe and with the security guard running behind her, with his pants down. Seeing this, the friend got extremely angry and said,' I told you to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jan 4

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    Helium walks into a bar

    and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." He doesn't react.
    femgineer femgineer 31-35, F Jun 20

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    What do you call a black person

    and an Asian? White.
    CrystalBR CrystalBR 16-17, F Oct 31

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    dad : why u r late for school johnny:

    because of the Sing dad : Wat sing johnny: the sing that says ** school ahead go slow lol :D
    hmkspain hmkspain 16-17, M Sep 13

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    Most men are like Wombats,

    They eat, roots, shoots and leaves
    Freddie61 Freddie61 51-55, M Oct 31

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    Joke Time

    A Natural Resource walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says I am sorry, but I can't serve you. You've been Wasted all day!!
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 4 Responses Oct 11, 2013

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    And if you think lawyers don't have hearts.

    Read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none. The United Way Health Research Foundation realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened...
    BlondieHills BlondieHills 46-50, F 6 Responses Apr 10

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    Five Surgeons

    Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 27, 2009

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    Just Jokn'

    What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow Balls
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 2 Responses Oct 10, 2013

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    AH Stands For....

    A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade...
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jul 27, 2009

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    Bar Jokes

    A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Why the long Face"?
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 5 Responses Oct 4, 2013

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    A programmer's wife tells him: ‘Run to the

    store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.’ The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
    femgineer femgineer 31-35, F 1 Response Jun 20

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    Tigerlily53 Tigerlily53 18-21, F Oct 2

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    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband

    and wife in Dublin (or city of choice) were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the...
    Robert09 Robert09 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 23, 2013

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    Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote...
    deadmoon deadmoon 18-21, F 2 Responses Jul 13, 2012

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    There was an American,

    Canadian, and let's say Chinese were on a plane. (not to offend anyone or be racist). The American dropped a penny on his country and said "good luck for my country." The Canadian dropped a quarter on his country and said "good luck for my country." The German dropped a bomb on...
    ContagiousBrunette ContagiousBrunette 13-15, F 3 Responses Feb 13

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    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his

    girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over the the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads...
    generalruckus generalruckus 26-30, M 3 Responses Sep 10

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    That awkward "I really hate to annoy you,

    but I really like talking to you" stage. .-. -this is from Wattpad. I take no credit for this. :)
    Conrad219 Conrad219 13-15, M Jun 24

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    I am a male lesbian. That's the only thing I

    can figure, because I like girls so much!
    TtotheD TtotheD 56-60, M 1 Response Dec 9, 2013

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    Joke Time Again

    I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 3 Responses Oct 15, 2013

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    Related Experiences

    My classmate wants to become a airplane pilot. I'm guessing that's his dream. He always talking about that job. My teacher tells my class mate today. "You can't become a airplane...
    lorrena19 lorrena19 18-21, F 1 Response a week ago

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    I am so nervous. I pray he's understanding, comforting, wants to move past this and see what happened and get tested. But I just don't know. :(
    mbellz424 mbellz424 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 31

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    Ok so just for those of you that might be wondering why I removed you from my "circle", I've decided that I'd only keep people that I actually keep in contact with. I want to make...
    PartyPat2336 PartyPat2336 16-17 3 Responses Nov 18

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    I want to become a Emt or paramedic. How can I make that happen?
    lorrena19 lorrena19 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Nerd jokes… jokes in general. Part of my awkwardness stands out when I try to tell a joke. Either a) I have to tell it again or explain it or b) I have to clarify, that indeed...
    chocolatecurlz chocolatecurlz 18-21, F 3 Responses Nov 11

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    A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell yo1u that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 4 Responses 6 days ago

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