Undoubtedly I have issues with depression. On and off to varying degrees. Since the age of 9, I am now 16, progressively it has worsened. Become more frequent, deeper, and longer.
But with the progression in depression the in between time has gotten progressively better, further and further up in mood. All in the matter of a year, I have gone from mild depression with normal in between times to severe depression with excited and the discomfort it causes, perpetual discomfort, seems impossible to explain. (but of course I will give it a try) In the down times its rather typical depression. Total loss of energy, no pleasure in anything, body aches (no one ever seems to talk about this, does anyone else physically hurt like alot when depressed?), morbid thoughts, the whole nine yards. Then there is the excited times. They vary from basically the feeling of a great day and a couple energy drinks, to energy coursing through my body so rapidly I feel like I'm going to explode. There is seemingly no external stimuli for either moods, there is seemingly no pattern, and there is seemingly no relief.
Also during the height of both the ups and downs I experience what I can only describe as psychosis... I hesitate to use this term, as well... I dont fully understand. In the depressed time (it happened only once) I saw in my mind, while simultaneously seeing the real world, sort of superimposed on each other blurring the lines between reality and my mind, a black cloud that wanted to consume my mind
[I posted a story elsewhere, but got no response so I am trying my luck here. So you can read that if you want more in depth explanations]
The up times have varied immensely in the "psychosis." It has been voices, delusions, just plain loss of all brain functionality in which I cant speak a coherent sentence and cant think a whole thought. All only lasting for a short period of time, half hour to three hours, but recurring almost everyday. Even right now, I guess a mid level up period, I have been feeling bugs all over my skin that seem to grow in number as my mood heightens. Uhm that's all for now, I am kinda having trouble writing this at the moment... so uhh YEAH.
Oh I should probably mention I have no familial history of mental illness of any sort and live with a function family in a trauma less life.