I Have A Spouse That Has Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum & Chat Board | Married to a DID woman and feeling confused.

Wow that actually helps a lot. Thank you for posting. I just struggle with being married to someone (many someones) that I didn't realize had these issues when I got into this.  She is seeing a therapist, but I find myself exhausted from all of it. It makes sense that they need to heal.  I also see how each of them are parts of her life going back even to childhood. I know she didn't ask for it, but I didn't ask to be her crutch in life either.  Can love withstand this journey?  Does it ever get normal?  I miss my wife when she is gone for days.  The others are mostly OK to deal with but it leaves me feeling like I live with roommates rather than a wife. I feel lonely, betrayed, exhausted, alone, maybe even resentful? Resentful that her and her others would choose me and hide themselves to let me fall into this?  Trapped? I know she didn't choose the abuse that happened to her, but I also have one life to live and I wasn't allowed to make a full choice for my life's path.  Unfortunately for my wife I would not have gotten past a few dates had I known this was beneath the surface.  I feel my life has been hijacked at times.  I am angry that the a-holes in her past did this to her, I feel bad for her, and I want her to get better and get help and heal.  But at the same time I struggle with the feeling of entrapment, betrayal, and being duped into dealing with baggage that was undisclosed to me from the day we met to when we now have kids. I feel lonely.  I am a man in the prime of his life and I feel like I am stuck caring for a shattered person.  I didn't sign up for this.  So this is my struggle.  On one hand I do love my wife but on the other hand there is a building load of sadness, resentment, and feelings of betrayal.  I wanted to be married to a sane person.  Not one that yells, fights, throws things, screams, cries at nothing, is incapable of working, dissociates for days on end, gets depressed, etc etc etc.  What do I do to stay sane through this?  What about my feelings in this?  I know she's a victim, but am I not also a victim to her abuse now too?  Why me?

 

I don't know why you. I don't know why me. Other than I was someone who could help him. Who has helped him. Someone who wouldn't believe the lies he told, who wouldn't back down. I stood my ground. Someone open minded and a bit fascinated by the minds ability to protect itself. To deal with the trauma. Someone who is loving, caring, and understanding. Who has to fix the problem. Maybe it was destiny. Something meant to be. A joining from a higher being.

Does it ever get normal? Well for me, life is normal this way. My husband isn't going to fully integrate and probably never will. His others enjoy life and being out. So this is bormal to us. Is it easy? Not always, but what marraige is? We have been through the worst. It only gets better from here, for us.

She you put up with being abused? No, you shouldn't have to. In DID you need to learn when to pick your fights. I finally learned this and things got better. When the host or alters feel threatened that's when the protector comes out and does just that, protects. As hard as it may be you just have to back down and even offer loving and encouraging words. This is from my experience. Gain love and trust from each one.

All my husbands alters love me. I have 4 husbands, 4 children who call me mom, a little brother who calls me sis, a best friend who is female, and several other who are friends. Even a 14 year old mentally challenged alter. There are 17 total and 10 who are out all the time at any given moment.

This is a long journey to healing. If you can get through the tough part. It just might be worth the wait. If not then only you have the answer for this. If you are able to deal with it. If your happiness is important to you. Noone can tell someone else what to choose for their life. Would she/he be there for you if things were reversed? For better or worse. In sickness and in health. This is something you have to search yourself for to find the answers for you.

If you aren't in therapy you may want to seek it for yourself and even your children. I have sat in therapy with my husband on every session he has had these past four years. I didn't need it for myself. I got what I needed through being there with him and telling what I know that was going on. There are no secrets kept from me. I act as a second therapist to him.

Educate yourself throughly. Learn all you can about DID. Learn about the healing process. The types of alters. Triggers. Pay attention to different times of the year. When she may be more on edge. This may be an anniversary of a traumatic event. Listen to her dreams or night terrors. Try  to get her to share this with you.

Hang in there and take care,

Lisa

 

My husband tried very hard to tell me but couldn't get the words out. The night before we were to be wed his alter Mere was revealed to me. At the time Mere was the only alter Trayus knew existed. We are currently at 12 alters.

It is difficult to sort through, for sure. You have needs that aren't being met, and its hard not to be angry. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and my moods are getting more and more unstable. I'm more sensitive to Trayus' moods. More than being frustrated that I have to deal with DID I get angry when he avoids it instead of working harder to sort everything out.

If your spouse is the host - they have more power than they think. It is within their power to manage a system and make it functional. You can help them get there by believing in them. It is important that you communicate that you have needs, too. Sometimes these conversations can leave you feeling worse, especially when your spouse just admits that they can't do any better. Perhaps you should get to know the alters better. Figure out who can help you help them. Is there someone that can give you extra information about how your spouse is feeling? What needs you aren't meeting that will make them more able to meet yours. Advice on how to handle certain situations. The alters know each other and your spouse better than you do most likely. Make friends, alliances, have someone at YOUR back.

 

You all have my sympathy.

I have to commend you all,  for your dedication.

This is doable - if you have a goal and a plan.

My personal experience was with a non-romantic female friend.  I did do some traveling to meet and visit  her for a couple of weeks  and for 2 1/2 years I spent about 6 hours every day on the phone to her and all of her alters.

At the end of that time - I had helped all of her 56 alters to  become very happy - to deal with thier past issues to change negative and destructive behaviors to positive ones and to integrate.

To do that, I made friends with all 56 - I got to now all of their stories of the traumatic events, hopes,  fears, desires, problems, history, pain, disappointment, I learned what each alters job was and how they felt about doing it, as well has who knew who, who were the "watchers",  I also discovered and respect all internal boundaries, how their system works ... etc ...the list goes on  because  I spent about 5000 hours talking mostly to alters  doing this.

By loving them - respecting them - getting their co-operation - all of us working together to made it happen.

SO - YES it is indeed, without a doubt, the most fascinating journey into the human psyche you will ever take - you will see things that you didn't think were humanly possible and you will not find very many people that will understand you.  Most of them will look at you and shake their head -- or politely nod -  and think you are crazy.

So - YOU have been chosen to be someone's HERO and I believe the people with DID -- who are extremely intuitive and usually  pretty intelligent - could  already  tell  - that you are indeed   "up to the task". 


It is mostly a SOLO journey , and even your therapist may not believe you -- or believe that you really know what you are talking about until you tell them stories that temporarily break down their walls and  make them laugh and cry - and even then, they may end-up struggling with a case of professional jealousy because a layperson has done what a professional could not......(I know...you would expect better from a professional...and if you get it .. be very grateful).


It is an adventure that  took every ounce of intuition and creativity  and energy I could muster, but in the end - it was  like landing on the moon.   I  have been somewhere and seen and  done something that only  handful of people on this earth can even understand much less relate to.

I have to admit that I was totally spent and it took me a few months to recover, but it was still worth it.

So...now  the question remains -- are you      ALL IN    or    BAILING OUT?

I would say,  commit NOW and forever hold your peace.  I will warn you that your commitment and dedication will be tested - and they will disappoint you many times and when that happens, remember to not take anything personally, and just keep-on keepin'-on.

It is no longer about YOU  and you may find that you  have to take care of yourself on your own time. 

I was lucky in that ;

Prior to this I had spent quite a bit of time talking to people with all manner of childhood traumas - I had learned all about cutters and had helped some of them to stop cutting, so hearing all of the stories was not new to me - I was unaffected and could maintain a safe place for the alters to share their stories.

If you are NOT able to do that -- then don't go poking around with things that you cannot handle, should they jump out at you.

In any case - your job is to be a good friend with a lot of common sense.  That is the basics of what I really did, along with lavishing her with shiploads if TLC  and that is what allowed me to help each of the 56 though their own customized healing process.

Just to address a few more things:

The ability to control switching is different for everyone  and may change if they are triggered or have a traumatic event. 

One thing that does not change,  is the underlying intention of the host:
          In the back of all those minds - there is a common thread - almost like one mind that controls everything - albeit  however  unconsciously ( not unlike the rest of us).

Never share traumatic information with an alter that was not around when it happened - infact let THEM share information - crossing those boundaries causes a lot of trouble. 

My personal feeling is that  having a shrink that is trying to promote  co-consciousness, is like cracking open all the eggs - to inspect them - before you buy them and then putting each one in a special container - after you steralize it - etc etc etc   In my opinion -- all it does is make a really big confusing messthat saps everyone energy and digs up a lot of memories and emotional pain that just gets scattered all over and  never really  gets HEALED it just  adds years to the recovery process by turning it in to a form of trauma itself. 

( Why was this so exhausting to post ? )

ok - that's my two cents

any specific questions about it you can PM me. 


STT  

 

 

Spiritualtowtruck,

I know your sincerety in giving sympathy to us, but I definately am not in need of sympathy. I actually love the life I have with my husband and the others.
So, that pretty much answers your question.  Are you all in or bailing out?

My husband is at the end of his therapy. There is still one alter that is slowly coming around. My husband has delbt with her trauma. My husband the one born to the body that went away as an ifnfant emerged over a year ago. He grew up to his biological age.

Integration isn't for everyone. It doesn't have to be a goal. Actually, co-consiousness was always the goal that my husband's therapist put before him and the others. He did integrate a couple alters. The others will probably never integrate and that is fine. They are co-existing and very happy with their lives. His system is a huge family inside and everyone looks out for each other.

Integration and co-consiousness is something that just happens as the mind heals itself, by dealing with and accepting the traumas that they endured.

A person with DID actually loses some of the talents and abilities of an alter when they integrate. If an alter was a great artist, for example, and they integrated then some of the alters talent would be dimenished. There are advantages to staying seperate, but being co-consious.

Each of my husband's alters have very good distict talents. They all bring their own flavor to the system.

Comman sense, understanding, caring, compassion, PATIENCE, amongst others are definately traits a person needs to have, when being there for someone with DID.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Lisa

 

What the heck happened to "In sickness and in health?" You talk of her as if she is doing this on purpose to spite you??? What if it was Cancer would it be different?
As far as her "hiding" this from you, she probably never felt safe enough to tell you.
You are being so hard on her, the only nice thing you have said is "The kids are taken care of".
Do you even love her?
Just something for you to think about, because if you talk to her the way you shared your feelings here, I doubt if she feels loved at all.
Also, have you asked her if there is a way to "request" that the one that you married come out? She may be able to tell you how to contact her.
I am sorry I am so angry, I am just so sick of people acting like people with DID enjoy living like this, like we have some type of freedom???? The way someone becomes DID isn't from something wonderful happening to them.
The spouse struggles with the alters but the Host also struggles with the alters!