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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 133,135 People

    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    He deserves a high five.

    ..on his face!
    ira01 ira01 26-30, F 2 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Him: "wanna go to my place?

    " Her: "why? Do you have a good looking roommate?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Him: "youre so hot. Id go through anything

    for you" Her: "cool, the exits over there?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Confidence composes most of what creates

    consistent and blatant road blocks in my life when it comes from the ignorant actions of others. In general, IQ level is lower than I had predetermined at high school graduation in an overall sense of the general knowledge characteristic. Sometimes, a crowd of people clapping...
    MagicStick5DiscoBalls2 MagicStick5DiscoBalls2 22-25, M 8 hrs ago

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    Him: "hey baby, how ya like 9 inches?

    " Her: wow! You mean you cam get it up 3 times in a row?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Him: "so i guess we're

    both here for the same reason, huh?" Her: "yeah, to pick up chicks, wanna be my wimg man?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    "My teacher pointed me with her ruler

    and said, "at the end of this ruler there is an idiot!" I got detention after asking which one." Happy Teacher Appreciation week educators!
    iEPeace iEPeace 26-30, F 9 Responses May 6

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 6 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Went out shopping with my best friend,

    Alex and his Mum other day. His Mum has been smoking since her teen years and she is in her 50's and not meaning to offend her or anything (I love her like she is my second Mum), but you can tell the over 30 years of smoking has really taken effect on her skin and she also has...
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 15 hrs ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    When I'm bored I go to **** sites

    and write in the comments section: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your father and I are heartbroken." Kik: JustRyan21
    JustRyan JustRyan 18-21, M 9 Responses May 21

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    i make my food look like people i make them

    talk then i appear as some big *** monster and eat them i think im insane but the food was delicious :P
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    Him: "so how do you like your eggs in the

    morning?" Her: "on a firemans abs"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Despite the lack of a brain,

    jellyfish have survived for over 650 million years, yet humans (who have been around for 200,000 years) are predicted to become extinct in as little as 100 years. What does that tell you?
    Justjonathan Justjonathan 16-17, M 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Him: "hey babe betcha cant guess my sign".

    .. Her: "i dunmo, a feces?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 10 Responses Feb 2

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    I'm so sick and tired of being sick

    and tired, that I threw up and fell asleep!
    JackReich JackReich 26-30, M 2 hrs ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    If you ever find yourself working in an office

    with Chuck Norris, NEVER ask for the three-hole punch.
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 36-40, M 6 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    You know you need professional help

    when you're eating a meal for 2 persons, all by yourself.
    AntiHelix AntiHelix 18-21, M 3 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    A couple were trying to come up with a password

    for their computer. The man typed in "MyPenis", the wife burst out laughing because the message "Error. Not long enough." appeared.
    Justjonathan Justjonathan 16-17, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Handyman25 Handyman25 22-25, M 28 Responses Aug 26

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 41 Responses Jul 16

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    Him: "hey is this seat empty?

    " Her: "yep, and this one will be too if you sit down"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    While my Co-worker was talking to the person

    next to me, I stuck Mike and Ikes in the button holes of her back jeans pockets, took a snap chat and sent it out with the caption "Look at that sweet ***."
    americanpoppet americanpoppet 31-35, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    I put books about god

    and books about crime and devil in a same bag for a long time... Guess what. They both survived.
    Zim0 Zim0 18-21, M 20 hrs ago

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    I can't remember saying this to anyone!

    My parents care way to much about what I do, than who I am. I do this because I am me! And because they know me better than anyone...that's why they watch closely to what I do. Maybe?
    RobinLarkspur RobinLarkspur 18-21, F 8 hrs ago

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    Two Mischievous Brothers (joke)

    Found this on Stumbleupon... thought it was cute. Two Mischievous Brothers Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 22 Responses Nov 3, 2011

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    Just saw two lesbians making out in a car

    outside the bar... would have been pretty hot if they both didn't look like Andy Milonakis. Yuck, no bueno! On a lighter note who's still up?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 65 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    "Him: so,..what do you do

    for a living?" Her: "Im a female impersonator"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 8 Responses Aug 28

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    There's a guy who asked me " do you pleasure

    yourself ? " And I was like : yeah ... by eating Him : it wasn't what I meant but ok Me : that's the point HAHAH I AM WEIRD 👅🙏
    Flowerydedo Flowerydedo 16-17, F 7 Responses Aug 24

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    friend #1: im a good artist friend #2: im a

    good athlete friend #3: im really smart me: i can breath very well............*chokes* FML XD
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    I wonder if clouds ever look down on us

    and say "hey! That one is shaped like an idiot!"
    Justjonathan Justjonathan 16-17, M 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    xxsamelovexx xxsamelovexx 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    Him: "Havent i seen you somewhere before?

    " Her; yeah, thats why i dont go there anymore"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    That's How Things Are Done Around Here

    Ever asked yourself why we continue to do what we are doing if there is a different way out there?A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top. Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the...
    juliana9 juliana9 26-30, F 15 Responses Jun 15, 2012

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    Him: "wanna go back to my place,

    babe?" Her: "i dunnknow, will 2 people fit under your rock?"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Him: you know sarcasm isnt very lady like".

    ...her: "yeah, well neither is a bl0wj0b, but i never receive complaints about that?"
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 26 Responses Sep 19

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13