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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 137,153 People

    Not even a cannibal would eat you out,

    *****, you deserve to be fingered by a guy with knifes for hands. 😂😂😂😂
    hellerpeople hellerpeople 16-17, F 6 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 162 Responses 1 day ago

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    If I drink alcohol I'm alcoholic If I drink

    fanta I'm fantastic •-•
    BeyondForever BeyondForever 16-17, F 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    http://vimeo.com/46824308 Watch it!

    The most hilarious video about sex olympic thing lol
    candy8ar candy8ar 18-21, F 7 hrs ago

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    I'm usially the kind of guy

    who would go out to a populated beach and connect HUGE stereos to the Jaws Theme and run! Hahaha. I know its bad but its funny! I haven't actually done it... Yet..
    WhyHaventYouWatchedThisMovie WhyHaventYouWatchedThisMovie 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

    . You know it's that time of year when the shops are packed and people stop and have arguments in the parking lot bc one stubborn bastard refuses to move for the other stubborn bastard and a third one has to get out and yell at one of them to move it along as the traffic builds...
    aquagrl aquagrl 31-35, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 12 Responses Nov 5

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses Aug 21

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    Fallenprinceofthedarkside Fallenprinceofthedarkside 18-21, M 16 hrs ago

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    If you have sex with a prostitute against her

    will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
    abittwisted abittwisted 51-55, F 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    I not an alcoholic. I only drink things

    that start with the letter "A" A keg of beer A glass of champagne A shot of Vodka ...and another one ...
    eriongtk eriongtk 26-30, M 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    MariexOkay MariexOkay 13-15, F 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 21 hrs ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    Fact: no woman has ever killed a man

    while he was washing the dishes...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 6 Responses a week ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 13 Responses Oct 11

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    Im going to write: "F#CK YOU!

    " on a brick and throw it in the face of the next person who tells me to: "smile"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    You know what show is really weird

    and no one really notices the show Wipeout (most extreme). They say really weird stuff on it and give all the contestants these funny-but weird nicknames like "Super Grandma" "Trash Talker Devon Berry" "Cheap Date Tim Spratt"
    FelBaby FelBaby 18-21, F 7 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses 4 days ago

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    I love this dog to death,

    she is my best friend. I am so blessed to have her.
    UriahIsMine4Ever UriahIsMine4Ever 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I think I have the opposite of beer goggles.

    ..I have sober goggles. It seems like the more I drink, the pickier I get, at least in the area of finding women attractive. Damn liquor.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    My husband came home from a business trip

    and was complaining about the four hour bus tour that he was forced to endure. I listened, and then said "At least it wasn't a three hour tour". He laughed and said "That's right, I would have been ship wrecked".
    Deedle623 Deedle623 51-55, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hey everyone; here is one my favorite comedians

    doing one of my favorite stand ups. Enjoy. http://youtu.be/J1NMw6R4QNk
    barzins barzins 46-50, M 16 hrs ago

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    I miss the day when I was small enough to fit

    in the bathtub like a mermaid.
    nogoodnamesleft26 nogoodnamesleft26 16-17, T 1 Response 1 day ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Oct 18

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    Amayarri Amayarri 18-21, F 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Bitchslapper1 Bitchslapper1 46-50, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    I've come to the conclusion

    that instead of "at the drop of a hat" or "in a heartbeat" or "at a moment's notice", I, as a proud pyromaniac will say "at the click of a lighter" and invite all pyros to adopt the phrase as well
    BiCPP BiCPP 18-21, M 4 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    When I'm late to class Me: sorry I'm late I

    got lost on the path of life
    jeline jeline 13-15, F 6 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    that moment when you pull something off

    flawlessly that you decide to celebrate with a little dance xD or is that just me :P
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 2 hrs ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 12 Responses Oct 23

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    You know you're a Medieval kid

    if you had one of these bad boys!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Isaac Newton has aged

    so much since I was a kid. I am so old lol!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 2 days ago

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