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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,391 People

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    I have a heart of a lion

    and a lifetime ban from the zoo
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 5 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    When someone says they don't know

    why they like something and then proceed to tell you exactly why they like it. Lol... But you just said you didn't know why!!
    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    My friend was talking about politics

    and said he likes Bush. I said "If you like bush so much, why does you're girlfriend shave?" He then asked me how I knew his girlfriend shaves, and then there was an awkward silence.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    My sleep schedule gets ****** more

    than I ever will .-.
    aprisonerofazkaban aprisonerofazkaban 22-25, F 12 Responses 6 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    My teenage cousin told me she thought a crotch

    rocket was some kind of sex toy! I'm dying...
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 4 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Jan 20

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    hahaha hey here's a joke What do you a nun in

    a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 5 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    You know you need a shower

    when you get undressed and can smell your own balls.
    mslvr01 mslvr01 46-50, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    I meditate. I burn scented candles,

    and I STILL want to smack some people. I need a stiff drink, and a friend. Or, maybe just a stiff friend
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 3 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 33 Responses Feb 27

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    just realized the sound of nature is the sound

    of millions of insects, birds and animals desperately trying to get laid
    kunfirekun kunfirekun 22-25, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    They say a watched pot never boils,

    which is especially true when you forget to turn the burner on.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    ive made some Indian bread,

    naan for me thanks
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Sometimes I laugh at things I shouldn't really

    laugh at...like when someone wipes out or has a nasty spill!!!I could go even deeper with this topic but I won't!;)
    Spitbak Spitbak 41-45, M a week ago

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    I have a weird, twisted,

    and/or good sense of humor. If you watched happy tree friends on Netflix you'd know why.
    LFMB LFMB 13-15, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    xkmb xkmb 51-55 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    Beauty is different at 10 pm

    than at 2 am when the bar is closing.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 4 Responses a week ago

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    But if I see that Go Daddy commercial with the

    chubby red hair lady doing that stupid dance again I'm gonna shove a fork in my eye.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 5 days ago

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    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    If your last name was Nutz

    and you had a son would you name him Harry?
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    I'm watching The Grudge 2 with Canterbury

    and Jarpad. Canterbury isn't impressed. She's a diva!
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 1 Response a week ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    in honor of breast cancer awareness month

    coming in October I will be offering free professional breast exams. sign up sheet will be on my profile page. and of course if you like to avoid crowds free exams can be arranged for anytime. for all who are affected by this, I am apologizing up front (tee hee) now. this is a...
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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