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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 152,917 People

    When the government started the war on drugs,

    they never expected the stoner to come up with the dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    What's the difference between a baby

    and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
    IntoxicatedLies IntoxicatedLies 16-17, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Last night I met ET waring a bra.

    He said E-teet phone home!
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses May 18

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    I was in a Northern Korean restaurant last week.

    They sure gave me a strange look when I asked for a doggie bag: "mens best fliend is not cannibal deal sil!"
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Last week I was in a native Indian reserve.

    Said some pretty insensitive things, and ended up burried so deep in the ground the local ranger had to use a truffle pig to locate my balls!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    I hate gambling. I bet ya you hate gambling too!

    Come on, I'll give you three to one odds!
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response a week ago

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    TLC is still a learning channel.

    It teaches you that, no matter how low you sink, you will never go that low.
    ScytheBunny ScytheBunny 18-21, F 10 mins ago

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    I am thinking, how great it would be

    if men had an off / on switch button like my lamp shade.
    holgado holgado 31-35, F 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    When I went to the diner

    for a delivery job, the guy asked me if I had a car. I said, "Yeah, my car's right outside." The guy then asked me if I'm reliable. I paused for a second, and then I said, "My car's right outside."
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 17 hrs ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    It's not over until the fat lady sings,

    but if you want it to end early, I can put on a dress and yodel for you.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    My neighbour is a moron.

    He says he is a strict vegetarian, but I bet you when the steaks are high, meat is all he eats!
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses a week ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    When the government started their war on drugs,

    they sure never expected the stoner to come up with a dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    I found it hilarious

    that two guys who came into prison were called R. leggit and P. Crook.
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    "Women like to make it last.

    ..Men are done in seconds" ...................Cochino (nasty) get ur mind out of the gutter! Its a Reeses commercial!.........................lol!
    PhoenixRising83 PhoenixRising83 31-35, F 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    I'm a very nerdy person.

    Sometimes I imitate German accents. It's bad. 😳
    deliriouslydreaming deliriouslydreaming 16-17, F 6 Responses 6 days ago

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    *Talking to a friend* "Does it make you upset

    that your boyfriend has more dates with his hand than you?"
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response a week ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M a week ago

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    I love to laugh, if you ever get the chance to

    actually meet me, you'll know that I love to laugh! I've heard people who laugh and smile alot will live longer. I'm lucky. Most of the time I run into people who confess they sit and crack jokes in front of me just to hear me laugh, which is flattering. But, I tend to laugh in...
    KolorMePink KolorMePink 18-21, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Me: nice race Guy: fastest man alive buddy Me:

    no wonder you can't get a date
    Xamad Xamad 22-25, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    crypticcrime crypticcrime 18-21, F 1 Response a week ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 40 Responses Feb 27

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    It is all clear to me now.

    By giving Adam his tools, and Eve some stunner female features, God has shown us that he is either the ultimate voyeur or loves frustrated people!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 11 Responses Mar 9

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    When ever I have a bad day at work,

    dealing with difficult people, I can't wait to get home and start cooking. And use my knives and instantly I feel better. There is something therapeutic about about my knife block that gives me such joy the moment I take out that knife and makes me smile when I insert it back in...
    holgado holgado 31-35, F 6 Responses 6 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    What if a rasta farai became the next

    president: would Hilary Clinton grow dreadlocks?
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    jim054 jim054 51-55, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Last week I was first to bet on a horse

    that came in last. So this week I'll be last to bet on the horse that will come in first!
    deleted deleted 26-30 a week ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014