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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 138,917 People

    In the country of The Blind,

    the one-eyed man is not king. The one-eyed man is in a freak show.
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    Not really......but I always hear people talk

    about Jennifer Lawrence. I'm like, "who the hell is Jennifer Lawrence?" So I did a little research and oh, she's the hunger games girl?? Wow, her make up artist did a fantastic job, they look nothing alike. @_@
    Togepi07 Togepi07 18-21, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    A guy asked me: Do you like " sex " ?

    I was like : heeey hell no I like number 4 He blocked me lmao Can't stop laughing ☺👌
    Flowerydedo Flowerydedo 16-17, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    I don't mind being dead from shooting too much

    heroin... in my best Eddie Vedder voice. what what. ..i know I know "too soon" right
    greeneyz83 greeneyz83 31-35, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses Nov 22

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 7

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 17 Responses 3 days ago

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    -Yet another conversation between me

    and my friends late at night just being stupid- Him: I'm Italian, so it's okay for me to talk loud and get in other people's faces. Me: I'm Irish, so it's okay for me to talk loud, get in other people's faces, and drink so much that I throw up all over your pizza. Both of us...
    NaturallyPeculiar NaturallyPeculiar 18-21, F 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say

    that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
    Stickboy1984 Stickboy1984 26-30, M 2 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    Rick Astley would let you borrow any movie from

    his Pixar collection except one. He is never gonna give you UP.
    Batman328 Batman328 18-21, M 5 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    3 days ago found the harry potter book series

    that belonged to me when i was 12 and i decided to read the order of the phonex so i took the book with me on the train and the man -how foreign from Poland i think- next to me said aren't you a little to old to read that childish book. so i replied with"aren't you a little to...
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Weird doesn't quite seem to cover it actually.

    My sense of humour is pretty arrogant. I dunno, I seem to come across as totally up myself. I think. Haha. I guess that's because I am though. Isn't our humour just a reflection of who we are? Good thing I love myself, eh!
    OlicityShipper OlicityShipper 70+, F 1 day ago

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    "Society is like a stew.

    If you don't keep it stirred up, you get a lot of scum on top." (Edward Abbey)
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    Never trust an institution claiming to be a

    meritocracy if it has no one funny-looking in important positions.
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 1 hr ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    So. I've created a new religion When we die,

    an otter swoops down from the floating pond. He picks us up, stores us in a clam and goes to the ocean, he then lies on a piece of driftwood in the middle of the ocean. The otter takes us out of the clam, puts us in the water and we become fish. That is the story of otter Jesus...
    Justjonathan Justjonathan 16-17, M 13 Responses 3 days ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I was going through channels

    when I came across the Grinch (the Jim Carrey movie). It was towards the end of the movie, the part where the Grinch's heart grows. The first thing I see was a close up the Grinch's face, eyes closed and relaxed, and he looked like he was taking a ****. I couldn't help but...
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Justjonathan Justjonathan 16-17, M 1 day ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 29 Responses Dec 8

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 164 Responses Nov 25

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    My son joined Tinder the other day

    and met up with a 'young lady' he met on there tonight. Maybe I'll be a grandma in about 9 months? http://betabeat.com/2014/01/tinder-is-the-night-high-speed-digital-app-gets-you-more-***-than-the-l-train/
    shellseagirl shellseagirl 41-45, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 21 Responses Nov 28

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    Ranger5064 Ranger5064 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 13 Responses Nov 5

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    This might sound racist,

    but all Christmas trees look alike to me.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    i'm straight but i go too GSA

    and at one meeting one of my gay friends were talking about being straight-edge and i started laughing cause he's straight edge but gay
    moonlight3039 moonlight3039 13-15, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 12 Responses 4 days ago

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    Nocturnes Nocturnes 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    5 rules to remember in life: 1.

    Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only...
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    *my boyfriend and I are wrapped in a

    blanket* Somebody dropped this burrito, cuz it's dirty!
    thatvegangirl thatvegangirl 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    When people laugh about something these days,

    it's usually about someone doing something stupid, or something rudely funny. Me? I laugh at random unexpected things. Such as a fart in complete silence. Or a weird hiccup in the middle of reading. Or possibly even a rat running across the floor at a court case. I don't know...
    ThatOneAsianDude ThatOneAsianDude 13-15, M 2 days ago