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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 108,718 People

    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    "My teacher pointed me with her ruler

    and said, "at the end of this ruler there is an idiot!" I got detention after asking which one." Happy Teacher Appreciation week educators!
    iEPeace iEPeace 26-30, F 7 Responses May 6

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 42 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 14 Responses Mar 1

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    True Story: I was about to get into shower an

    hour ago, knock at the door, so I put my robe on and answered it. It was a lady, Jehovah's Witness. I let her talk for about 10 second before I started to untie the cord to my robe ... and suddenly she was gone
    celtusa celtusa 46-50, M 8 Responses Mar 29

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    I remember being about 7

    and falling down flat on my bum. Everyone around me got all scared and said "Are you all right? Oh my gosh are you okay?!" I immediately started cracking up because I realized how hilarious it must have looked. The same kind of thing happened in the roller-blading unit in...
    HappyLilTyke HappyLilTyke 22-25 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I walk down the street with headphones in my

    ears and feel as if I'm in a music video
    deersa deersa 18-21, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    'Will you be the thymine to my adenine?

    Applications are now open'
    moonziggy moonziggy 18-21, F 1 Response 46 mins ago

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    I wanted to see if I could figure out how to

    cook an egg in the microwave. All I ended up doing was cleaning up a mess.
    pardax pardax 13-15, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Would a stun gun stop a cootie infected person.

    Ok there are 3 cootie infected girls running loose in my neighborhood attacking people they see nearby infecting them with cooties. How there cooties are spreaded is a kiss on the mouth. It's getting to the point where I can't go outside to check the mail without my metal...
    earreola earreola 22-25, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    There is nothing better then someone you can be

    weird with, when no matter what you say; how stupid, embarrassing or strange it may be, that person just gets you! Lol.
    deleted deleted 26-30 15 Responses Mar 18

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    I accidentally made a dirty phone call to KFC.

    Last few times I went there I got these tiny pieces of chicken. I called and asked "how big are your breasts?" The words were out of my mouth before my brain said "don't ask that!" The lady who answered the phone hung up on me.
    pardax pardax 13-15, M 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why did the girl throw the butter of the window.

    ...... To see a butterfly... Lol
    jesikahluv jesikahluv 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A women and child was sitting across from me on

    the bus. The mother was ignoring the kid and texting, the child was jumping about and misbehaving. The kid then came over and shouted "Are you my daddy?" the mother looked up, I stared her in the eye and said "Probably"
    celtusa celtusa 46-50, M 10 Responses Apr 14

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 46 Responses Jul 16

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    My mom passed away a year ago

    and I make jokes about it because that's the only way I can deal with it! Yup I'm messed up! lol
    SuperLizLoves SuperLizLoves 18-21, F 33 Responses Jul 16

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    Ok so I had just gotten on this site

    and they're was this guy who wouldn't leave me alone. He was so irritating he kept asking for pictures of my underwear soaked with *** so I got fed up and took a pair of my sister's panties and put conditioner mixed with water in them and sent him a pic of it. He totally...
    Curiousgirl1999 Curiousgirl1999 13-15, F 12 Responses 2 days ago

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    I find it funny how everything you say becomes

    p3rv3rted when you add: "if you know what I mean" and a grin. "Hi, I'm Ansonicchi, if you know what I mean." *grin* "Here's your today's paper, if you know what I mean." *grin* "I'm going to the bathroom, if you know what I mean." *grin* "Wanna have lunch? If you know what I...
    Ansonicchi Ansonicchi 18-21, M 8 Responses Jun 16

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    You know that one friend

    that always has to be better, to be smarter, and funnier than everyone else in the room? = "Doug" I love messing with Doug, just so easy. Just agree profusely to all the bullshit he says. "Oh ya? For realsies?! Whaaaat? You fought a tiger!! Noooo f'ing way you're da besties...
    alam88 alam88 22-25, M 6 hrs ago

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    HighOnMisery HighOnMisery 13-15, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Have y'all seen the anti-jokes?

    Example: "Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house?" "It's really nice!"
    Jeffinga2012 Jeffinga2012 51-55, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    When Insults Had Class -- Courtesy Of Stumble Upon (my Other Addiction)

    “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –Winston Churchill “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” –Clarence Darrow “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Oct 13, 2011

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    I feel as though rap music has convinced me

    that all women want to **** me or s*ck me. I assume that isn't true, though.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    What's black and white

    and if it falls out of a tree will kill you? ---- a piano
    t1dus10 t1dus10 22-25, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I love having an injury on my middle finger; It

    allows me to flick a person off six inches away from their face with no repercussions.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    I like watch satelite Tv comedy.

    Some people think Family Guy Simpsons part 2 but I think very funny. And English version office funnier than American one
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 2 days ago

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    If Lil' Wayne's first name was Damian,

    all would be right with the universe.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Hahahahhaah

    HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA Lol im sooooo bored hahahahaahhaha
    Ashey16 Ashey16 18-21, F 5 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Two Mischievous Brothers (joke)

    Found this on Stumbleupon... thought it was cute. Two Mischievous Brothers Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 23 Responses Nov 3, 2011

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    The other day I had to fill out another

    criminal background check for updated records at work. (I'm a CMA at a health care center for seniors) I decided to be...well a smart *** I guess and where it asked if I was ever convicted of committing a crime I put down yes, where it asked what, I wrote down killing time...
    MiriamL MiriamL 22-25, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    If you fall off of a skyscraper go limp

    and pretend you're a dummy. Someone might see you and say "Hey look, Free dummy" then they might try to catch you.
    pardax pardax 13-15, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    lexa2041 lexa2041 13-15, F 3 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 66 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    My little brother is in

    that stage of growth where he finds every word that has a cuss word within it hilarious. my mother told us to help her furnish the house except she said furnish it and being the dweeb he is he started laughing saying furni-**** -_-
    jesikahluv jesikahluv 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    My best friend said she liked Eric Northman,

    (from Trueblood) in his Nazi uniform and I laughed and said plot twist you are actually jewish,she died laughing and I did to but kinda felt bad considering Nazi's are just horrible....
    jesikahluv jesikahluv 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    When it's super hot outside,

    Me: "😫 Damn it's hotter than Harry Potter!!!" Person I'm with at the time : 😒 "that doesn't makes any sense" Me: 😒 "but it rhymes"
    LovelyLadyJ LovelyLadyJ 22-25, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

    Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
    t1dus10 t1dus10 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    While I was being given a tour of a mental

    asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, “How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?” The doctor answered, “We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to...
    rafael1983 rafael1983 31-35, M 5 Responses Jan 3

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    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 19

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    Sometimes I'll make normal

    or weird things seem funny to me. I like Japanese TV prank torture shows too XD
    skyalarm skyalarm 13-15, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I just taught my 5 year old sister how to twerk

    because we were bored... Funniest thing ever!
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 9 Responses 1 hr ago

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    So I was at work hanging out with a couple of

    coworkers and one of them left for a sec. I started joking to the one who stayed about how I think the other one is evil and she's really weird. I mean, who wouldn't find that funny? Lol she just gave me a weird look and asked why I would say something like that. Apparently she...
    jeyy90 jeyy90 22-25, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 64 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    When I talk to myself out loud I call myself by

    another name so people think I'm talking to an imaginary person. Ha! My roommates think I'm weird lol
    LovelyLadyJ LovelyLadyJ 22-25, F 3 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A guy gets home early from work

    and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year...
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 5 Responses Dec 26, 2013

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 10 Responses Feb 2

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    Balloons are weird. Like Happy Birthday.

    Here is a plastic sack full of my breath.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 8 Responses May 31

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    That's How Things Are Done Around Here

    Ever asked yourself why we continue to do what we are doing if there is a different way out there?A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top. Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the...
    juliana9 juliana9 26-30, F 15 Responses Jun 15, 2012

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    LEMONkinks LEMONkinks 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Stranger: "You have a nice face!

    " Me: "Thanks, my parents gave it to me."
    Lunarflowerrr Lunarflowerrr 22-25, F 6 Responses Apr 17

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    Do I have a date for Valentine's day?

    Of course ! February 14
    lostCake lostCake 22-25, F 10 Responses Feb 13

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    Is This Joke Funny Or Is It Just Me?

    A young man began his career as a magician on a cruise ship. Vital to his act was his pet parrot - the bird would always steal his act by giving away the trick, “the card is up his sleeve” or “he hid the dove in his pocket.” This always got a great laugh from the audience...