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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 139,118 People

    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    Friend: dude I'm totally over her now Me: sweet

    lets go eat food! Friend: *cries* she used to eat food! Me: -.-
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    Hoes be naming their kids **** they can't

    even afford: Mercedes, diamond, pearl, rend, welfare, phone bill
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 10 Responses 2 days ago

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    barzins barzins 46-50, M 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    Once someone knows me really well,

    it becomes easier for them to understand me... especially when I joke or when I don't even try lol, but most people find me humorous after getting to know me much better (: I open up overtime (: I have wicked thoughts that I don't act upon XD But just the other day, I thought...
    MsShortiie MsShortiie 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 164 Responses Nov 25

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    i met a foreign women the other day

    so i asked her where is from. " i am Irish." she replied. and I couldn't help but say "so do you work in the US lost office?" only friends' fans will understand this one.
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    My answering machine: "Hi,

    I am sorry I've missed your call and I will call you back at my earliest convenience. Please leave you message after the swear word" *Beeeep*
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    mrloweco mrloweco 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Juggalooking Juggalooking 70+, M 2 days ago

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    I bought a dog once. Names him 'Stay' "come

    here, Stay." He's insane now.
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    When I hang around my two friends offline(whom

    are currently my only two friends) the guy gets more of my humor than her. They're dating and I truly enjoy the company. They're both avid MLP fans and I am totally out of the loop of MLP(not particularly amused by it, the show is alright). My sense of humor is terribly...
    Sacryfice Sacryfice 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    So today someone texted me asking

    if I was a male or female and I thought it was funny because my profile says female but my picture looks like a male I like confusing people on my gender I won't tell anyone if I'm male or female but go ahead and guess if you want haha I think it's funny when people can't tell...
    AhavaGamoran AhavaGamoran 18-21, F 4 Responses 29 mins ago

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    Sometimes I save random pictures of Prince on

    my phone...there always seems to be an occasion when I need to use it. I have used the Purple Rain album cover several times this week...
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    lloydieboi14 lloydieboi14 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 12 Responses Oct 23

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    It’s not just the “little,

    ” it’s the “have yourself.” Does anyone else find the title of the Yuletide classic “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” oddly condescending?
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 29 Responses Dec 8

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    ACCENT: A way of speaking

    which reflects a region of the world where you grew up. Depending on where that is, and where you are when you use it, it can either get you beat up, or get you laid. This is so true. I melt whenever I hear a good Australian or Irish/Scottish accent... man, even a good southern...
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    AARP: American Association Of Retired Persons.

    An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over fifty to remind them that they will soon be dead.
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    This is ironic. nietzsche: 'God is dead.

    ' god: 'nietzsche is dead.' Well, don't care what is right on that one. but one thing's for sure.. philosophy is now dead! :Dhahaha so suck on that nietzsche! :Dhahaha
    OrganicLunarEclipse OrganicLunarEclipse 22-25, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    I laugh of everything,

    so when I'm the only one who's laugh of a bad jokes, it's just really awkward><. But when is a joke on tv I never laugh (only in side) don't know why
    NinaOMB NinaOMB 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    i laugh at things all the time

    that nobody else finds funny.
    fairybby fairybby 13-15, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Language of teenage girl translated.

    And absolute truth. xD Fine - Pissed of completely. Five minutes - Half an hour. Nothing - Definitely something. I'm just tired - I'm upset. Hug me. Go ahead - Don't even think about it! Thanks - This is a legit apology. Thanks a lot - This is NOT a legit apology. It is...
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    AIR : the glorious god given substance

    that provides us our very breath of life, while also containing the disgusting, contagious pathogens that will some day kill us.
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 9 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 21 hrs ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I am at work right now I work in a forge shop

    we make forgings for air planes every piece id's crooked we tell the engineer he says it's ok because you know it's only going on a 200 passenger airbus and its part of the landing gear you know the part the wheels go on
    itsjustme3684 itsjustme3684 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    I just found the most amazing thing

    ever http://m.imgur.com/nuR4V
    guitarspro guitarspro 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 20 Responses Nov 28

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses 5 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31