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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 148,040 People

    The kids text me "plz"

    which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 5 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    There's nothing sweeter

    than hearing a man say those three little words... "You were right."
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Two hydrogen molecules were walking down the

    street when one stops and says " OMG, I've lost an electron!!" The other asks "Are you sure?" The first replies with "I'M POSITIVE !!!!!!"
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 9 Responses Mar 14

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    "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches

    makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out"
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 3 Responses 49 mins ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    I have a few rules to drinking.

    Always drink when im depressed, angry and happy!
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I'm too old to drop it like its hot.

    .. I'm just gonna sit down like its warm...
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    Sometimes when annoying people at work are

    talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face... And laugh inside.
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    what's comedy?babies in a dumpster,

    what's dark comedy?1 baby in few dumpsters
    forkinyoureye forkinyoureye 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 19 Responses Mar 12

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    AltF4 AltF4 22-25, M 4 days ago

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    laurabaillie16 laurabaillie16 13-15, F 2 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    I'm off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard

    of Oz because because because because of the wonderful things he does. I have no idea where that came from. But it's been stuck in my head all day. LOL
    lovlife777 lovlife777 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Today I was over a relative's place.

    (They're judgemental and religious btw) We were watching HGTV and two guys are looking for a house together. They were brothers, but it wasn't clear at the time. So the relative makes a grossed out face and says, "I don't want to see some gay men!" and changes the channel. Then...
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    This is what I understood about grilling some

    shrimp on the Barbie before I went to Australia. ( see picture)
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    I would hate to think what kind of girls he's

    been with now that he's figured out that girls do wipe.... How can an 18 year old be this daft?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    sincerelysl sincerelysl 13-15, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 46 Responses Feb 27

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Sometime I should listen &.

    Think before I open my mouth
    chef59 chef59 56-60, M 5 days ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I stopped believing today.

    ... Journey is going to be so pissed when they find out!
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I'd rather be ****** over

    than over ******.
    CrimsonShadow CrimsonShadow 13-15, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    I like raunchy humor,

    there's nothing like a good sex joke to get the party started.
    dirtydarkness dirtydarkness 26-30, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Breakfast of Champs for those of us with

    bipolar!!!  lol (see photo) 
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dr: "I have some bad news.

    You have cancer. But I'm afraid that's not all...you also have Alzheimer's Disease. Patient: "Oh thank God, I thought I had cancer."
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    2 chemists walked into a bar.

    The first said "I think that I will just have some H2O please", and the second said "Hmmm... Yes, I think that I will have H2O too". The second chemist died. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide I typed this whilst listening to the periodic table song by ASAPscience I...
    laurabaillie16 laurabaillie16 13-15, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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