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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,711 People

    I remember the first time I had sex.

    . . .boy was i so scared. . . .I think it's because I was alone . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 10 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    Now here's something to think about

    while you are on hold . . . .which would be worse . . . .doing this boring job . . . .or having the job title of "Deboner". . . .it almost sounds French. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 21 hrs ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    'll never forget the day my parents told me I

    was adopted . . . I was 17 and they said , "Ken , you were adopted !" , I said "Really ? " They said , , ,"Yes, and They'll be here in 5 minutes . . . ."
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 10 hrs ago

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    gamesformolly gamesformolly 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Man. . .I had a dream last night .

    . . I was in a parallel universe. . . and nobody could park. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    wow, mind blown, the Native Americans actually

    changed the term Indian from a slang to something worshipped in sports, then reminded everyone and destroyed all the effort from their forefathers. crazy to think.
    Golfknar Golfknar 36-40, M 12 hrs ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 8 Responses Mar 3

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Boy oh boy. . . .somebody authorized this job

    at city hall . . .and every body is pointing fingers at every one else . . .its being dubbed "Gategate"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 9 hrs ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    My wife says I should have told this lady about

    her sweatshirt . . .I said "No way. . . Mickey knows where his head is at , she's the one that doesnt have clue!"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    Maybe it's just me but .

    . . .Should'nt marijuana dispensaries be called grass stations?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Cool, . . .I Just got my invitation to Lady

    Gaga's wedding reception. . . . . I can choose between beef or chicken.. . . . . Not for the meal, that's the dress code.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My neighbors a moron.

    . .Yesterday he got a new job and he told me all he does is drive around picking up Mexican chicks all day. . . . .Today he drove his work truck home . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    My neighbor's a moron.

    . . I asked him why he has a Telescope pointed at the lady's house across the street. . . He said he was studying a broad. . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 42 Responses Feb 27

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    On the internet: "I F***** hate people" On the

    resume: "I love working with people"
    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    I was bored yesterday.

    . . so I went to the Hardware store . . . .picked up a crescent wrench. . . .and then proceeded to run up and down each aisle. . . .while yelling . . . "This Is Not A Drill !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    I guess I just dont understand British culture .

    . . .But , What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    My dog just winked at me.

    I'm pretty sure something's about to go down...
    juskeepswimming juskeepswimming 31-35, F 4 hrs ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    A train traveled from San Fransisco to Los

    Angeles in 4 hours . . .Now a different train traveled from Los Angeles to San Fransisco in 8 hours . . . .this proves that the train leaving Los Angeles was half fast
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    Has anybody seen that new documentary thats

    out. . . . . about white trash?. . . I just saw the trailer.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    My wife text me early this morning .

    . ."Windows frozen". . .I texted back "Pour warm water on em".. . . She texted back . . "Now computer doesnt turn on at all !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    Thats interesting . .

    . .I read today the inventor of throat lozenges has died.. . I suppose there'll be no coffin at his funeral. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    My favorite quote ever,

    "Shut up, my mom says I'm cool!"
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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