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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 156,156 People

    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Mr. Burns: You're fired!

    Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you! Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M a week ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    PoutingEnigma PoutingEnigma 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Mr. Burns: Quick Smithers.

    Bring the mind eraser device! Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir? Mr. Burns: Precisely.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M a week ago

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    I went to my DR today,

    told him I was constantly dreaming of wigwams and tepees.....can't get any sleep........ He told me I'm " two tents"
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    What would u do someone licked you?

    I would lick them back 😊
    mayuamakura mayuamakura 13-15, F 7 Responses 6 days ago

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    Saw a post. On how many lightbulbs change us.

    My lethal brat woke. Me raced to make the brat sleep. And kathleen madigan helped. She has a skit about alcohol. And sedating lethal brat matches. Like this. Ssshhh. No. No. Sleep sleep. Nobody needs attacked by lightbulb. No. Sleep. You can criticize...
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    "I'm stuck in the basement,

    sitting on a tricycle, girl gettin on my nerves. Going out of my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers!" I don't know why but that just popped into my head.
    Handyman25 Handyman25 26-30, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I was recently asked,

    "Where were you born? " My response "At the hospital. " Perplexed look. Me, "I wanted to be close to my mother!" Another perplexed look. I left it at that..
    Lovesrainbows Lovesrainbows 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 2 Responses 28 mins ago

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    I changed the name of my toilet at home from

    "John" to "Jim" This way I can tell people I go to the gym every morning !
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Gently placing your finger on someone's lips

    and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic...but cops don't seem to think so
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    ManOnTheCape ManOnTheCape 31-35 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I have a great sense of humor.

    but I'm not loud and obnoxious the way you expect a "funny person" to be so a lot of the time it's lost on people. I've been called "rude" a lot also. but trust me, I'm joking.
    ZenaMarie ZenaMarie 22-25, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Like being a ghost standing over my body

    and laughing at my corpse.
    InkyDeux InkyDeux 66-70, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    It's like candy to a baby.

    ....come and get it lil darling. Yes you! Come on and don't be shy. You are progressing just as planned. That's it.....that's my sweet girl. Bring it to daddy. Mmmm...;^)
    PassionSeeker38 PassionSeeker38 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 3 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, PUT EM IN THE OVEN AND

    WATCH HIM GROW. PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, BOW BOW SHUT YO MOUTH.
    itsybitsyfrosty itsybitsyfrosty 16-17, M 3 days ago

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    I don't think I could ever work at a bubble

    wrap factory, just imagine the self discipline that's required!
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 8 Responses 3 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Every HEART has Love & Pain!

    Only way of expression is different: Girls hide it in their gorgeous eyes, WHILE Boys hide it in their handsome smile..
    searchnew searchnew 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    in the street, everytime i see someone i

    imagine him/her bald and i start laughing all alone like an idiot hahah.
    buddiesj buddiesj 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I crack myself up to near crying almost every

    day. If I'm driving down the road I'll sing songs in a ****** up voice and change the lyrics around to amuse myself. Sometimes I give myself the finger in the mirror all non blinking and game faced and laugh and laugh. So stupid.
    BrokenViking BrokenViking 31-35, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    This has nothing to do with my taste in music,

    just stumbled upon it, but listen to this ****: "From the instant "Yonkers" begins, that creepy, paranoid chord makes us glance over our shoulders, anticipating a raised knife ready to be plunged into our backs. Tyler intensifies the reaction by introducing a shaky synth that...
    CaptainHoof CaptainHoof 18-21, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    Ralph: That's my sandbox.

    I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response a week ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    LOOOL MY FRIEND IS ACTUALLY AN IDIOT BUT YEAH

    DW SHE KNOWS I POSTED THIS also, this boy annoys the crap out of me. I love my dumb friends even though I don't always show it. :p
    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Louuann Louuann 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    bad/dark/offensive jokes are my weakness

    but I love them like a fat kid loves pie!
    muradgh muradgh 18-21, M 2 Responses