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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 158,813 People

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper.

    The closer it gets to the end the faster it goes!
    silverfox54 silverfox54 61-65, F 5 Responses 6 days ago

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    Does the term "Come early on your first day"

    apply in the **** business? Lol
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Jan 20

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    People don't think I'm cool,

    but that's OK because my teachers said I didn't think at all.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    I'm listening to Aqua

    and dancing alone in my room... So naturally I'm recording weird videos of myself dancing and making strange faces and sending them to random people in my phone. Sorry Trudy, you're going to wake up to all this *rubs hands all over body* getting down something fierce. Yeeehaw...
    anhonestgirl anhonestgirl 26-30, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I just found out today

    that the guy I was dating for a couple of weeks is a sexual predator and is posted on the Megan's Law website. FUUUUUN
    jahna1961 jahna1961 51-55, F 7 Responses a week ago

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    I came to have sex and drink milk,

    and I've got a gallon of milk to go.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    My friend thinks I might be good at writing

    erotic stories, but that seems really hard. My friend offered to help, but she's not really gentle when she gives me advice or criticism. She likes to ram it down my throat. Are these sex jokes doing anything for ya?
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 5 days ago

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    courtcourt94 courtcourt94 18-21, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    I'm hanging out with my friend,

    and I fart. I tell him he stinks, and he tells me it was me. I said that it was him, and I knew because the sound came from behind me. He responds by saying that's where my *** is. I say, "Yeah. My ***. That's how I knew it was you."
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    https://search.yahoo.

    com/search?p=stick+it+commercial&fr=iphone&.tsrc=apple&pcarrier=C+Spire&pmcc=311&pmnc=230
    dandylion7 dandylion7 41-45, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Was at the joke shop the other day

    and popped on the till many items. "What's this?" enquired the cashier, after I handed a 10 pound note... "Monopoly currency..."
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 37 Responses Feb 27

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    My boyfriend is like February the 30th.

    . . . . . . . . . . He doesn't exist!
    lilacadventures lilacadventures 18-21, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    lawlesslass lawlesslass 36-40, F 6 Responses 4 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    A burp is just a fart

    that took the elevator :p
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    OrphanBlackFan OrphanBlackFan 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Today I had to go to the doctor's office.

    As I sit there I'm thinking, why do they even bother giving you an appointment time if they are going to make you wait anyway. They should say it doesn't matter when it is we were trained by the DMV, just take a number and wait till we call you. If your going to make me wait...
    cmyk323 cmyk323 36-40, F 4 Responses a week ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    My bosses son came in the restaurant high.

    Now she is mad and so is his sister. Its kinda funny. Sweet revenge.
    Spoticus Spoticus 18-21, F 5 days ago

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    If you think my shorts are "To short" I want

    you to consider the following - There called shorts. - I look dam good 😂
    XXimdeadinsideXX XXimdeadinsideXX 13-15, F 15 Responses a week ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 8 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Thanks for your order from our sex shop.

    U asked for the large red dilldoo as featured on our wall Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher!!
    geneprint geneprint 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    xXTaikaXx xXTaikaXx 13-15, F 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Skiniamin1 Skiniamin1 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    I was talking about selling my body

    for money. My artist friend said she'd let me know if anyone needs a model. I have to admit, that sounds like a much better idea than becoming a ******** since I can't dance.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Library lost power. Fancy library.

    Parking lot is solar. But still a power outage. Me asks if solar goes to city. And if city charges them for power. Lol.
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I don't believe in suicide

    but if you could it might give me some entertainment. -Mr. burns
    danielfrost1995 danielfrost1995 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses