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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 145,139 People

    Here's a joke for you: There's a little boy

    sitting in his grandfathers lap and the grandfather is smoking a cigar and the little boy asks if he can have a puff of his cigar and grandfather replies does your **** touch your ******* and the boy said no and grandfather says then you can't have a puff of my cigar. A couple...
    mack35 mack35 18-21, F 11 Responses 6 days ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    The Foreman of my construction company comes to

    me, folds his big muscly arms and stares at me. I merely fold my hands and smile, "Yes?" "Boss!" He says abit too loud. "I demand a raise..." I keep my smile and accept... *Next scene* The Foreman of my company is now dangling down from a crane truck that's probably raised 0...
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Q: Did you hear about the cannibals

    that attended the wedding? A: They toasted the bride and groom.
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    The missionary arrived in the cannibal village

    on Saturday, and by Monday night he was history. Looking through his belongings, one of the natives found a magazine and without missing a beat began tearing out pictures of people and popping them in is mouth. Seeing what he was doing, a friend asked, “So…how’s the...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 18 hrs ago

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    Kids in the pre 1950's era: Go out with friends.

    Watch tv. Listen to radio. Do nothing and just sit, relax and watch the world go by. Feel calm. Have yet to discover new things before being 60+ Kids of pre 2000: Watch tv, radio, record using tapes. Wait for days to listen to music by radio. Do nothing but may feel bored after...
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed

    as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 17 Responses 1 day ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 21 Responses Jan 8

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    i hate when people are offended by my jokes.

    They can be pretty bad sometimes but its just a joke. I dont get offended when people joke about my races.
    TheTenaciousPirate TheTenaciousPirate 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    the dress is white and gold *waits

    for argument to start*
    PorkythePig PorkythePig 18-21, M 15 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 39 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    I was staring at my thumb during a lecture

    for a good 3 minutes or so. The girl next to me finally decided to question me about my weird behavior. All I said was "Shhhh, I think it's getting larger" The look on her face was priceless
    aDesperado aDesperado 18-21, M 7 Responses 4 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    This joke I heard from my grandma's

    sister-in-law: three boys are playing beside a river when Barack Obama and his bodyguard appear walking along the opposite edge. Suddenly Obama falls in! Before the bodyguard can react, the three boys jump in and pull him to shore. After calming down a bit, Obama says "you saved...
    Countrybae Countrybae 18-21, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    A cannibal entered the meat market to buy

    something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 5 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    In front of all the guests my GF says to me.

    .. "Are you just happy to see me or is that safety pin in your pocket again??" 0-o
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 21 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Winterwolf1231 Winterwolf1231 46-50, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Batman saw cat woman,

    his dark night rises
    dreamychan dreamychan 13-15, F 8 Responses 3 days ago

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    I laugh hysterically at jokes

    that nobody else thinks are funny (they aren't really tbh) but they make me laugh so hard idk why lol
    ellajade ellajade 13-15, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 14 Responses Oct 23, 2014

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    If my friend ever asked me what I would do

    for a Klondike bar, I would drive to the store in complete silence, hopefully scaring him by doing so, get a Klondike bar, go to the cashier, and pay for it. I'll then turn to my friend and say, "What would I do for a Klondike bar? Simple. I'd go out to the store and buy one."
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in

    dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 18 hrs ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 9 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    That awkward moment when Santa has the same

    wrapping paper as your mom .. ... .....
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Look who had the comedic genius Dave Attell

    laughing last night!! (see photo)
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 73 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I think swearing is funny

    and my friend doesn't and I swear all the time so it's hard not to. For fun I copy her and today she told on me but She was laughing when I was copying her and now she is mad at me I mean really WTF!!!
    Lolatux Lolatux 13-15, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I think my priest might be gay?

    I mean, he keeps saying "ah, men" after every prayer
    CanYouHearTheSilence CanYouHearTheSilence 13-15, T 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 12

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 40 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint

    a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 34 Responses Sep 13, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    I can always response to friends

    or people by saying words in a way they couldn't think.
    KentMa KentMa 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My brother asked if I would snitch on him

    for a million dollars. I replied saying "Shoot, I'd kill you for a Klondike bar". He no longer trusts me. ??
    Essence972 Essence972 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    stupendusdude stupendusdude 46-50 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    'Surprise' sex is always a wonderful thing to

    wake up to. Except when you're in prison. And family reunions.
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 3 Responses 7 hrs ago