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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 158,937 People

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    Was at the joke shop the other day

    and popped on the till many items. "What's this?" enquired the cashier, after I handed a 10 pound note... "Monopoly currency..."
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I came to have sex and drink milk,

    and I've got a gallon of milk to go.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    Does the term "Come early on your first day"

    apply in the **** business? Lol
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    OrphanBlackFan OrphanBlackFan 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    My boyfriend is like February the 30th.

    . . . . . . . . . . He doesn't exist!
    lilacadventures lilacadventures 18-21, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Have you ever just give yourself a hickey by

    savagely sucking on your arm fat pretending to be a self cannibal?
    Violetlolla2 Violetlolla2 13-15, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Some mite say twisted lol !

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    chris7379 chris7379 41-45, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    https://search.yahoo.

    com/search?p=stick+it+commercial&fr=iphone&.tsrc=apple&pcarrier=C+Spire&pmcc=311&pmnc=230
    dandylion7 dandylion7 41-45, F 1 Response Jul 23

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    I don't care for dogs.

    A nurse that I'm not well acquainted with was telling someone that her dog ate her fiancé's passport causing them to choose someplace domestic for honeymoon. Before I could even stop myself I looked over and said "Oh, you should take him to the vet and have him put down". She...
    Abayoumi Abayoumi 26-30, F 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    I know it's cruel, but I like saying to me

    female friends "Guess who just got a date this weekend?" They get all excited thinking I got a date, and I just say, "Why are you getting all excited? I never said it was me." They're mad at first, but they end up laughing. Sometimes. Alright, that's a lie. They usually tell me...
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I think Crocs are the best contraceptive

    invented. Who would get turned on seeing someone on those ?
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 21 Responses Jul 15

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    My bosses son came in the restaurant high.

    Now she is mad and so is his sister. Its kinda funny. Sweet revenge.
    Spoticus Spoticus 18-21, F a week ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I'm listening to Aqua

    and dancing alone in my room... So naturally I'm recording weird videos of myself dancing and making strange faces and sending them to random people in my phone. Sorry Trudy, you're going to wake up to all this *rubs hands all over body* getting down something fierce. Yeeehaw...
    anhonestgirl anhonestgirl 26-30, F 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 8 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 17 Responses Mar 9

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    Tastymeat Tastymeat 41-45, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    I'm not as stupid as people think,

    but damn am I close.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A group of people with erectile dysfunction

    attend a local meeting. No one came...
    KindredKings KindredKings 13-15, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    What's the definition of trust?

    Two cannibals going down on each other!
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 1 day ago

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    lawlesslass lawlesslass 36-40, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    Whenever my hydrophobic friend is too afraid to

    get in the pool, I yell "Water you waiting for? Jump in!"
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    courtcourt94 courtcourt94 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    3nita3 3nita3 46-50, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Library lost power. Fancy library.

    Parking lot is solar. But still a power outage. Me asks if solar goes to city. And if city charges them for power. Lol.
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    People don't think I'm cool,

    but that's OK because my teachers said I didn't think at all.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response