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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 149,593 People

    People ask if I live under power lines I say no

    my parent told me to play in traffic but now I stand on the train tracks waiting for the train to come.
    wildgreywolf1979 wildgreywolf1979 31-35, M 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 8 Responses Mar 14

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    To me, Life and Death are like common parents,

    one wakes you up and the other one puts you to sleep.
    TheTofuMaster TheTofuMaster 22-25, M 4 hrs ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    Sometimes the world just need a little strange

    in it...., that's where I come in. I know I'm not like "others". That's my intentions. I don't want to be normal. But hey, at least I have a heart.
    EyeDontGiveAHoot EyeDontGiveAHoot 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    I was raised a vegan,

    but recently discovered a craving for fish while giving oral to my wife
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Ninive Ninive 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I'm so amazing at cooking,

    even the fire alarm is cheering me on!
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Kumarie Kumarie 13-15, F 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Yes I'm a ganjaplanter,

    oh, I'm a ganja farmer. Deep down under the earth were I put me ganja. Babylon come and light it up on fire me a chant
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    Last night it was really dark

    and I saw a small burning dot above my bicycle. So I said "Yo Nigg@r quit smoking on my cycle!". Then the red light disappeared and so did my bicycle.
    hindustaniberawem hindustaniberawem 16-17, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    A man in a bar put down a life crocodile on the

    tap, flipped his **** into its mouth and hit it hard on the head. He yelled: who dares to do THIS now huh? An old lady in the back replied: well I would, as long as you don't hit me in the head like that!
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 44 Responses Feb 27

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    So my daughter said Judy peanuts

    and I thought she said Judy penis and my husband spoke up and said no that's in her purse I was laughing so hard
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Re-doing a high five

    until you get it right~
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 5 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Pick a number between 1

    and 3, not including 1 or 3, and it has to be a whole number.
    AndrtheEnderhatter AndrtheEnderhatter 13-15, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    So I was in my English class with a bunch of

    idiot people who don't do any work behind me, and I hear," Oh my Gawd if I lived there, I'd murder myself!" I chuckled and repeated," Murder one's self" In my mind.
    MacBloo2 MacBloo2 13-15, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    my granddaughter 11 months hit the keyboard

    and turn the speak to text and this what she had babble apparently: caressing me up early girl thats what you just typed your daughter just woke me up
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    This pic made me laugh

    so hard idk why xD
    tarara0414 tarara0414 18-21, F 6 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    OMG !!! My life is so full of hilarious crap

    that I do. So after going to great lengths to get all done up pretty (I'm gender variable) and heading out for a meeting, I suddenly realize that I start driving like a stereotypical women !! Suddenly the clutch and manual shift transmission confuses me and I have zero sense...
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 7 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    I like the sound of wearing wetsuits

    and getting gunged. Have worn a wetsuit on water once and that was in the shower!! I have never been gunged but will be soon at my gfs house. personally can not wait
    Wetsuitgunger123 Wetsuitgunger123 41-45 18 hrs ago

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    A middle aged couple were having a conversation

    when the husband asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery? she said take my half and divorce you, so the husband said here's your $12.50.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Turds are brown, snot is green,

    you look like **** and I am very mean
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Don't you think it would be a good idea

    if on a plane they actually made the seats so a normal person could assume the emergency position of putting your head between your legs and kissing your *** goodbye?
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Am outside. Next to truck.

    Charging phone. Horsefly lands on me. Me says. Hey. You aint got no saddle. And me cant ride you. To a safer place. So. Shoo fly. Dont tease me no more.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Me understand not do people most.

    Backward sentences my of most say I because be may it.
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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