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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 147,873 People

    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    "When life gives you lemons,

    make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it."
    Scoodaloop Scoodaloop 18-21, F 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Sometimes when annoying people at work are

    talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face... And laugh inside.
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I'm off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard

    of Oz because because because because of the wonderful things he does. I have no idea where that came from. But it's been stuck in my head all day. LOL
    lovlife777 lovlife777 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 19 hrs ago

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    "Whoever said nothing was impossible never

    tried slamming a revolving door."
    Scoodaloop Scoodaloop 18-21, F 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    sincerelysl sincerelysl 13-15, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim

    chim, like a twit i be singing this song. Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim shru, like an old foo am outta... tune! :-(
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 9 Responses Mar 14

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    I have a few rules to drinking.

    Always drink when im depressed, angry and happy!
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    The kids text me "plz"

    which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
    tammy96 tammy96 46-50, M 3 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 26-30, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 28 Responses Mar 14

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 10 Responses Mar 3

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    My boyfriend just told me he took me to

    Starbucks the first time we went out because he forgot my name......
    anonamanda001 anonamanda001 16-17, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    how to make me happy: • make me food •

    buy me food • be food • food
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    Today I was over a relative's place.

    (They're judgemental and religious btw) We were watching HGTV and two guys are looking for a house together. They were brothers, but it wasn't clear at the time. So the relative makes a grossed out face and says, "I don't want to see some gay men!" and changes the channel. Then...
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    I would hate to think what kind of girls he's

    been with now that he's figured out that girls do wipe.... How can an 18 year old be this daft?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    This is what I understood about grilling some

    shrimp on the Barbie before I went to Australia. ( see picture)
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Two hydrogen molecules were walking down the

    street when one stops and says " OMG, I've lost an electron!!" The other asks "Are you sure?" The first replies with "I'M POSITIVE !!!!!!"
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    "I dream of a better tomorrow.

    .. where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned" ...I laughed longer then I should have when I read this...
    Scoodaloop Scoodaloop 18-21, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    We had hotdogs for lunch today

    and when my mom came into the kitchen I looked at her and told her "I finally have a wiener!", then I threw the hotdog at her.
    TickleMeCell TickleMeCell 16-17, T 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Sometime I should listen &.

    Think before I open my mouth
    chef59 chef59 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Dr: "I have some bad news.

    You have cancer. But I'm afraid that's not all...you also have Alzheimer's Disease. Patient: "Oh thank God, I thought I had cancer."
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 7 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Rihanna suddenly paused,

    mid-photo shoot, and demanded silence from everyone in the studio. Once it was perfectly still, she proceeded to cut the longest, sweetest sounding fart anyone had ever heard. She then spent the next 10 minutes high-fiving everyone in the room. (see photo)
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    I stopped believing today.

    ... Journey is going to be so pissed when they find out!
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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