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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 153,489 People

    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    "Women like to make it last.

    ..Men are done in seconds" ...................Cochino (nasty) get ur mind out of the gutter! Its a Reeses commercial!.........................lol!
    PhoenixRising83 PhoenixRising83 31-35, F 6 Responses May 23

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    Some people say that blood is thicker

    than water... Guess they don't have access to corn starch or Coumadin.
    Delphineidunna Delphineidunna 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 28

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    When I went to the diner

    for a delivery job, the guy asked me if I had a car. I said, "Yeah, my car's right outside." The guy then asked me if I'm reliable. I paused for a second, and then I said, "My car's right outside."
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    deleted deleted 26-30 May 24

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    Damn.....was up early hoping to catch the fog

    the other day and I mist it !
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 20 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    I recently got a burn on my hand

    and its healing slowly. the burn looks a lot like a zombie mark. I am slowly becoming a zombie.
    Sometimesilence Sometimesilence 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    If by ticklish you mean I'll turn into a rabid

    chihuahua when you touch me, then yes, I am ticklish
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I love to laugh, if you ever get the chance to

    actually meet me, you'll know that I love to laugh! I've heard people who laugh and smile alot will live longer. I'm lucky. Most of the time I run into people who confess they sit and crack jokes in front of me just to hear me laugh, which is flattering. But, I tend to laugh in...
    KolorMePink KolorMePink 18-21, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 38 Responses Feb 27

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    I just felt like writing this story

    and saying. Herpaderp. that is all.
    Sometimesilence Sometimesilence 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    You know you're ******

    when your late night thoughts come at the middle of the day
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Maybe I wouldn't be so angry

    and bitter all the time if I had trousers that had actual pockets in them
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 2 days ago

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    Your eyes water when you yawn

    because you miss your bed and it makes you sad
    AnushkaDeb25 AnushkaDeb25 16-17, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    vonnie123 vonnie123 16-17, F 10 Responses 5 days ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 11 Responses Mar 9

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    I found it hilarious

    that two guys who came into prison were called R. leggit and P. Crook.
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M a week ago

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    Me: nice race Guy: fastest man alive buddy Me:

    no wonder you can't get a date
    Xamad Xamad 22-25, M 2 Responses May 22

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    TLC is still a learning channel.

    It teaches you that, no matter how low you sink, you will never go that low.
    ScytheBunny ScytheBunny 18-21, F 6 days ago

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    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    My mom told me to follow my dreams .

    .. so I went back to sleep.. ????
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 2 days ago

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    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 2 days ago

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    Like... I start laughing at thing

    that aren't funny to other people and it's so embarrassing and I just stop laughing and than I start laughing again and everyone is looking at me like I'm a weirdo and it's just so awkward... I laugh when something falls and breaks. When other people laugh I laugh for some...
    itsLucy itsLucy 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I only have sex on days starting with the

    letter T Tuesday Thursday Today Tomorrow Thursday Thaturday Thunday
    00dave 00dave 36-40, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    I knew a girl who thought

    that you could get a disease from sitting on a toilet seat. I told her that the only way that you can get a disease from a toilet seat is if you rub your genitals all over it and don't look before you sit. Maybe you deserve it then. She probably gave people plenty of diseases...
    Delphineidunna Delphineidunna 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    A tom cat hijacked a plane,

    stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 1 Response 5 days ago

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    It's not over until the fat lady sings,

    but if you want it to end early, I can put on a dress and yodel for you.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 Responses