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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 110,181 People

    That's How Things Are Done Around Here

    Ever asked yourself why we continue to do what we are doing if there is a different way out there?A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top. Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the...
    juliana9 juliana9 26-30, F 15 Responses Jun 15, 2012

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    While I was being given a tour of a mental

    asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, “How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?” The doctor answered, “We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to...
    rafael1983 rafael1983 31-35, M 5 Responses Jan 3

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    Scenario/Question: True story: I went to a

    routine physical last year on my birthday, which is on Halloween. My doctor, a young female doctor, was dressed as a housewife with curlers and a robe. We got through all the routine stuff quickly enough. Then she sat on a stool and wheeled herself over to me and asked me to...
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    CLUB RULES 1. fish for a bae,

    they are usually a lot in these waters 2. if your booty is "dropping down low", please pick it up so no one trips on it 3. when in doubt shrek it out 4. I-G-G-Why would you not be turning up to this song 5. fry some eggs, make everyone feel welcome 6. that is not red wine you...
    lxathing lxathing 13-15, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Q: What's red, white

    and blue and goes around and around and around?
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Do I have a date for Valentine's day?

    Of course ! February 14
    lostCake lostCake 22-25, F 10 Responses Feb 13

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    ludix ludix 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    You know that one friend

    that always has to be better, to be smarter, and funnier than everyone else in the room? = "Doug" I love messing with Doug, just so easy. Just agree profusely to all the bullshit he says. "Oh ya? For realsies?! Whaaaat? You fought a tiger!! Noooo f'ing way you're da besties...
    alam88 alam88 22-25, M 4 days ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 14 Responses Jul 7

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    What did one ocean say to the other?

    ..nothing they just waved
    ThePursuitOfHappiness ThePursuitOfHappiness 18-21, M 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 19

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    Isn't it rather odd that

    so many anti Jewish sentiments are being freely published on Facebook when that was co-invented by a Jew?
    changiexpat changiexpat 46-50, F 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Why did the ******* cross the road?

    To get to their *****... Knock knock. who's there ? The *******
    newshoes13 newshoes13 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    whitezombie1986 whitezombie1986 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 42 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    'Will you be the thymine to my adenine?

    Applications are now open'
    moonziggy moonziggy 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    I laugh at random things,

    gross out things, goofy things, dark humor, and insults (not seriously offensive but still Comedy Central roast like humor)
    Dayzdreamer Dayzdreamer 26-30, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Why did the little girl with no arms drop her

    ice cream? Why? Cause she got hit by a bus...
    newshoes13 newshoes13 18-21, M 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Well mine is up beat,

    or I can laugh at what people can't see what part is funny until I mention, then they be like oh that's harsh. So yeah
    kamachulu kamachulu 22-25, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    I was in "that"aisle

    and my mother was a few steps away but I was being lazy so me being the awesome person that I am,I yelled at her "MOM DO YOU THINK ITS TIME FOR YOU TO STOP USING TAMPONS IF YOU KEEP PLUGGING IT UP ILL NEVER GET A BROTHER"😂😂 It was awesome my mom was mortified and I couldn...
    spanishcowboys4eva spanishcowboys4eva 16-17, F 11 Responses May 6

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    "when i die id like to go the way my grand

    father did. Peaceful in his sleep; Not screaming with fear like everyone else in the car"
    Zack607 Zack607 22-25, M 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    If I make you breakfast in bed,

    say "Thank you." not "How did you get in my house?"
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 5 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    When Insults Had Class -- Courtesy Of Stumble Upon (my Other Addiction)

    “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –Winston Churchill “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” –Clarence Darrow “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Oct 13, 2011

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    Why would anyone in their right mind watch a

    video that people say will "melt your heart"? I'm pretty sure a melted heart will cause you to stop being alive.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 3 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    stephanyee stephanyee 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 64 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 14 Responses Mar 1

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    I'm not sure why, but

    for whatever reason I just love seeing people get autocorrected, with the result being completely unrelated to the work the person is typing. For example, an f-bomb gets changed into duck.
    therealjeric therealjeric 16-17, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Stranger: "You have a nice face!

    " Me: "Thanks, my parents gave it to me."
    Lunarflowerrr Lunarflowerrr 22-25, F 6 Responses Apr 17

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 66 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 46 Responses Jul 16

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    There's no way I'm a virgin.

    Not with the way the manager at Walmart keeps ******* me over. I wish he'd at least buy me dinner first. I'm a pretty cheap date too. A burger is good enough for me. Hell, I'd get naked for a milkshake.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 4 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    smartie67128820 smartie67128820 13-15, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    I am moving on and becoming a new person.

    .to all the people i owe money too...im sorry but i have moved on now
    ThePursuitOfHappiness ThePursuitOfHappiness 18-21, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    "My teacher pointed me with her ruler

    and said, "at the end of this ruler there is an idiot!" I got detention after asking which one." Happy Teacher Appreciation week educators!
    iEPeace iEPeace 26-30, F 7 Responses May 6

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    I love going tmi during conversations.

    I just told a complete stranger "Brb I can feel my period leaking" and his reply was just "Omg -_-"
    metaphornographic metaphornographic 18-21, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    When I'm bored I go to **** sites

    and write in the comments section: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your father and I are heartbroken." Kik: JustRyan21
    JustRyan JustRyan 18-21, M 9 Responses May 21

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    I'm ugly, and I'm forgetful,

    but at least I'm not ugly.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    A women and child was sitting across from me on

    the bus. The mother was ignoring the kid and texting, the child was jumping about and misbehaving. The kid then came over and shouted "Are you my daddy?" the mother looked up, I stared her in the eye and said "Probably"
    celtusa celtusa 46-50, M 10 Responses Apr 14

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    I find it funny how everything you say becomes

    p3rv3rted when you add: "if you know what I mean" and a grin. "Hi, I'm Ansonicchi, if you know what I mean." *grin* "Here's your today's paper, if you know what I mean." *grin* "I'm going to the bathroom, if you know what I mean." *grin* "Wanna have lunch? If you know what I...
    Ansonicchi Ansonicchi 18-21, M 8 Responses Jun 16

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    True Story: I was about to get into shower an

    hour ago, knock at the door, so I put my robe on and answered it. It was a lady, Jehovah's Witness. I let her talk for about 10 second before I started to untie the cord to my robe ... and suddenly she was gone
    celtusa celtusa 46-50, M 8 Responses Mar 29

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    gersonc gersonc 16-17, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Hahahahhaah

    HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA Lol im sooooo bored hahahahaahhaha
    Ashey16 Ashey16 18-21, F 5 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    I ordered a package a few days ago,

    and the internets told me that it should be in today...At least I know what my plans are today.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    suzannah98 suzannah98 16-17, F 3 Responses Apr 14

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    If you are childish, like I am,

    and want a good laugh, then try this. Replace a noun from a famous political speech with the work penis. I have been entertaining myself that way for the last few minutes. Again, I am admitting that I am childish, and that this is a ridiculous and immature game. Enjoy. :D
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    What does a nosey pepper do?

    Get jalapeño business. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
    newshoes13 newshoes13 18-21, M 1 Response 13 hrs ago

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    Is This Joke Funny Or Is It Just Me?

    A young man began his career as a magician on a cruise ship. Vital to his act was his pet parrot - the bird would always steal his act by giving away the trick, “the card is up his sleeve” or “he hid the dove in his pocket.” This always got a great laugh from the audience...
    deleted deleted 26-30 24 Responses Jan 2, 2012

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 10 Responses Feb 2

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    I just taught my 5 year old sister how to twerk

    because we were bored... Funniest thing ever!