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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,650 People

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    No Jarpad, you're not allowed to have peanut

    butter and jelly sandwiches! he thinks he's a person!
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    Every so often when the alarm goes off in the

    morning and we wake up I'll turn over and look at my wife and then act like i'm hopping up in a complete panic and start screaming "Who the hell are you and where is my wife???!!!!!!" It makes for a good jolt of adrenaline in the morning plus it makes the kids giggle with...
    RememberTomorrow RememberTomorrow 31-35, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    I think Crocs are the best contraceptive

    invented. Who would get turned on seeing someone on those ?
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 17 Responses Jul 15

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Super bored anyone up

    for a convo?
    Onewingedangel145 Onewingedangel145 13-15, M 2 days ago

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    I meditate. I burn scented candles,

    and I STILL want to smack some people. I need a stiff drink, and a friend. Or, maybe just a stiff friend
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 8 Responses 4 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 17 Responses Jan 1

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    HR representative asks

    for team building exercise suggestions..... me: *shouts* ***** poker
    kunfirekun kunfirekun 22-25, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 3 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses Aug 26

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    It'd be really funny to project a movie into

    someone else's house then watch it from outside the window.
    WonderingWillow11 WonderingWillow11 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    If I had a healthy sense of self skepticism,

    I'd either be a rocket scientist... or a mediocre middle class worker... well... sh!t
    tallis0in0chains tallis0in0chains 31-35, F 3 days ago

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    Love is like gas: I have a lot to give,

    but nobody wants it. :P
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    No matter how old I get I still can't take a

    kielbasa out of its package without verbally or mentally making a sexual reference.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    tallis0in0chains tallis0in0chains 31-35, F 3 days ago

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    Imbloo Imbloo 16-17 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Well, when I see anything struggling to

    accomplish something I find it immensely hilarious. Perhaps it's the sadistic side in me...
    Moepoki Moepoki 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I like that boulder,

    that is a nice boulder....
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    purpledogyawn purpledogyawn 22-25, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 33 Responses Feb 27

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 25 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    Me: I just wanted to know,

    did it hurt? Teacher: Did what hurt? Me: Getting that stick up your ***. Teacher: *writes office referral* Me: It was worth it.
    deethepoet deethepoet 16-17, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Me and my best friend,

    Knee, are dumb.
    dakotadm dakotadm 18-21, F 3 days ago

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    I have a weird, twisted,

    and/or good sense of humor. If you watched happy tree friends on Netflix you'd know why.
    LFMB LFMB 13-15, F 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    You know it's about time to unfriend

    that person on FB when messages go like: You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender :)You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender :)You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender :)You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender: :) You: :D Sender :)You: :D Sender...
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 8 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    So today at the gym my maintenance guy found a

    hole in the wall of the female locker room. I've no idea who drilled it but I'm looking into it. Ba Da Dump.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 5 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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