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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 133,333 People

    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 10 Responses Feb 2

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    Two Mischievous Brothers (joke)

    Found this on Stumbleupon... thought it was cute. Two Mischievous Brothers Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 22 Responses Nov 3, 2011

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    How many of you cat owners answer your pet's

    "Meow," with "Oh, Yes, I know...?"
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M 7 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 8 Responses Aug 28

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Aug 21

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    "Dad, where does rain come from?

    " "Its God crying honey." "Dad, why is God crying?" "Its probably something YOU did".
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 65 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I love the fridge in the breakroom at my job;

    today im having a tuna sandwich named: "Kevin" & a pepsi named: Denise...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 5 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    PixiePat PixiePat 36-40 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Air Jordans....like Channel bags

    for guys (so we can spend money frivolously too)
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 9 hrs ago

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    As a father, i believe in making the world a

    safer place for our children, but not our childrens children because as a father, i dont want my daughter having sex...till im dead.
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 15 hrs ago

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    Hallmark cards would be way cooler

    if they told the truth: "congratulations on your wedding; too bad we all hate your wife"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    A msg to shy girls, tomboys,

    and plus size girls who get bullied by the prissy, shallow, conceited, "mean girls" in school: i know it really sucks, but look at ti this way, they're only mean to you because most of them developed early and have been giving h@ndj0bs since they were 12, and by now, they they...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    How is this racist? I went to Bath & Body Works

    looking for Christmas ideas for my daughter this year. A clerk in the store got off her phone and was crying a little bit. I asked her, "Are you okay?" She said to me, "You wouldn't understand. It's a black thing". I told her, "I might. Things in this world are a human thing...
    RockingTheCarhartts RockingTheCarhartts 46-50, M 7 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    When I'm bored I go to **** sites

    and write in the comments section: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your father and I are heartbroken." Kik: JustRyan21
    JustRyan JustRyan 18-21, M 9 Responses May 21

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Female police officers,

    hmmm they come standard equipped with electric tasers and handcuffs,...id say we're off to a pretty good start....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 9 hrs ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 8 hrs ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses a week ago

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    KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENTAs we slowly

    move through retirement,we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.(STARTING HIS CHAIN SAW) !!!!!!!I know, I saw it right away too....No safety glasses or hearing PROTECTION.And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves...
    PixiePat PixiePat 36-40 7 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    EPAllie has her hand covering her mouth

    so you wont see her Hitler mustache...(& for protection from flying p*nises)....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 4 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    Awkward is when your cell phone goes off in the

    middle of church. Even more awkward is when your ringtone is Highway to Hell.
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 18-21, F 4 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Sometimes i have to put myself in check; like

    when i see someone fall flat on their @ss and my 1st instinct is to laugh mine off, i think: what if i was a chihuahua and they fell on me...i probably wouldnt think it was that funny...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 13 hrs ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    There's a guy who asked me " do you pleasure

    yourself ? " And I was like : yeah ... by eating Him : it wasn't what I meant but ok Me : that's the point HAHAH I AM WEIRD 👅🙏
    Flowerydedo Flowerydedo 16-17, F 7 Responses Aug 24

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    "My teacher pointed me with her ruler

    and said, "at the end of this ruler there is an idiot!" I got detention after asking which one." Happy Teacher Appreciation week educators!
    iEPeace iEPeace 26-30, F 9 Responses May 6

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    Jokes your wife/girlfriend will NOT think is

    funny #3..."if I only get one gift this Christmas, i hope its your sister...."
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    I wish i could get retro active reembursement

    for all the naps i refused when i was a kid...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 26 Responses Sep 19

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    When i found a skull

    while camping in the woods, my 1st thought was to call the authorities, but then i picked it up and pondered; who was this person? How did they die? and why did they have antlers???....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    "Just LOOK at you! Youre

    such a f*ckin idiot, and youre MY owner??? God, thats depressing, maybe if i stare at you like this long enough youll leave, or explode or something"...(what my cat is probably thinking)...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    That's How Things Are Done Around Here

    Ever asked yourself why we continue to do what we are doing if there is a different way out there?A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top. Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the...
    juliana9 juliana9 26-30, F 15 Responses Jun 15, 2012

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 2

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    If you ever find yourself falling back through

    time, and you see someone falling forward in time, it probably best if you dont make eye contact....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Handyman25 Handyman25 22-25, M 28 Responses Aug 26

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    Have u ever eaten an apple

    after brushing your teeth....well I have and I would suggest not trying it!
    Wonderwoman25 Wonderwoman25 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Money doesnt buy happiness?

    Well poverty doesnt buy JACK SH!T!!!
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    As your friends, we wanted to do something on

    your birthday we could all enjoy; so we're having you put to sleep....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 41 Responses Jul 16

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    Always stay away from toasters.

    Those things are the bringer of the burnt-bread-pocalypse.
    Winzlectross Winzlectross 13-15, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!

    Ever find out who the father is?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 13 hrs ago

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    Beaver318 Beaver318 41-45, M 3 Responses 3 hrs ago