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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 156,186 People

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    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    So I had this argument with this girl.

    She said that it's unfair that if guys sleep with a different girl every single week, he's considered a legend, but if a girl sleeps with 2 different guys in one year she is considered a S L * T. So I told her in response to that question: "If a key opens lots of locks, then...
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    I went to my DR today,

    told him I was constantly dreaming of wigwams and tepees.....can't get any sleep........ He told me I'm " two tents"
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 8 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 3 days ago

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    Is it weird that I find it hilarious how many

    guys message me within an hour? There is just so many! Some ask about my name, or what I look like. Some even send pics of themselves! I mean like come on! I don't want to see pics of you! And if I don't answer back, don't take it offensively! I get a lot of messages and maybe 8...
    tinytinyone tinytinyone 18-21, F 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    ManOnTheCape ManOnTheCape 31-35 1 Response a week ago

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    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 5 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    in the street, everytime i see someone i

    imagine him/her bald and i start laughing all alone like an idiot hahah.
    buddiesj buddiesj 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    Alexlovesmusic Alexlovesmusic 13-15, F 5 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    It's like candy to a baby.

    ....come and get it lil darling. Yes you! Come on and don't be shy. You are progressing just as planned. That's it.....that's my sweet girl. Bring it to daddy. Mmmm...;^)
    PassionSeeker38 PassionSeeker38 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Trying to explain borderline trait Black

    and white thinking. All or nothing So me said no gray areas Like restauraunts got. The listener said what do you mean So me said you know. The part of the restaurant Where the gray hairs gather To gripe about us pups Eating most of the best food That the...
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 38 Responses Feb 27

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    PoutingEnigma PoutingEnigma 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Basically, I need to find the section of

    humanity that doesn't find racism on TV funny. Then get a mob of people whom agree and further collectively agree to go and wound those people. Probably, at the very least with a peaceful protest. Go home, don't bother to check whether it made the headlines: because your...
    PylonsAreDangerous PylonsAreDangerous 26-30, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    Beware my farts. The army rejected me But

    only because my arse was a brat And wouldnt fart on command.
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I changed the name of my toilet at home from

    "John" to "Jim" This way I can tell people I go to the gym every morning !
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    "I'm stuck in the basement,

    sitting on a tricycle, girl gettin on my nerves. Going out of my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers!" I don't know why but that just popped into my head.
    Handyman25 Handyman25 26-30, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I don't think I could ever work at a bubble

    wrap factory, just imagine the self discipline that's required!
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 9 Responses 4 days ago

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    Every HEART has Love & Pain!

    Only way of expression is different: Girls hide it in their gorgeous eyes, WHILE Boys hide it in their handsome smile..
    searchnew searchnew 18-21, M 5 days ago

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    Best ******* game ever,

    wearing a gorilla suit in my front garden and jumping out at foreign exchange students
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    nunezquinnad nunezquinnad 18-21, F 6 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, PUT EM IN THE OVEN AND

    WATCH HIM GROW. PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, BOW BOW SHUT YO MOUTH.
    itsybitsyfrosty itsybitsyfrosty 16-17, M 4 days ago

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    Louuann Louuann 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    LOOOL MY FRIEND IS ACTUALLY AN IDIOT BUT YEAH

    DW SHE KNOWS I POSTED THIS also, this boy annoys the crap out of me. I love my dumb friends even though I don't always show it. :p
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Like being a ghost standing over my body

    and laughing at my corpse.
    InkyDeux InkyDeux 66-70, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Saw a post. On how many lightbulbs change us.

    My lethal brat woke. Me raced to make the brat sleep. And kathleen madigan helped. She has a skit about alcohol. And sedating lethal brat matches. Like this. Ssshhh. No. No. Sleep sleep. Nobody needs attacked by lightbulb. No. Sleep. You can criticize...
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    What would u do someone licked you?

    I would lick them back 😊
    mayuamakura mayuamakura 13-15, F 7 Responses