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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,529 People

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    You know you need a shower

    when you get undressed and can smell your own balls.
    mslvr01 mslvr01 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    purpledogyawn purpledogyawn 22-25, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    scott9677 scott9677 41-45, M 1 Response a week ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I have a heart of a lion

    and a lifetime ban from the zoo
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I have a weird, twisted,

    and/or good sense of humor. If you watched happy tree friends on Netflix you'd know why.
    LFMB LFMB 13-15, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Well, when I see anything struggling to

    accomplish something I find it immensely hilarious. Perhaps it's the sadistic side in me...
    Moepoki Moepoki 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    When someone says they don't know

    why they like something and then proceed to tell you exactly why they like it. Lol... But you just said you didn't know why!!
    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    Me and my best friend,

    Knee, are dumb.
    dakotadm dakotadm 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    I thought about buying a book on curbing

    procrastination but i figured I'd do it another day.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    xkmb xkmb 51-55 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 17 Responses Jan 1

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    I meditate. I burn scented candles,

    and I STILL want to smack some people. I need a stiff drink, and a friend. Or, maybe just a stiff friend
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 33 Responses Feb 27

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Jan 20

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 25 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    I like that boulder,

    that is a nice boulder....
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    My teenage cousin told me she thought a crotch

    rocket was some kind of sex toy! I'm dying...
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    Did you know that 2-3 glasses of wine per day

    reduces your chance of giving a crap.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    If I had a healthy sense of self skepticism,

    I'd either be a rocket scientist... or a mediocre middle class worker... well... sh!t
    tallis0in0chains tallis0in0chains 31-35, F 1 day ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Next time I ride on roller coaster,

    I'm gonna bring some spare bolts with me. The moment it reaches the highest point, I'm gonna tap the person in front of me and say, "These fell out of your seat."
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 10 hrs ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    hahaha hey here's a joke What do you a nun in

    a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    No Jarpad, you're not allowed to have peanut

    butter and jelly sandwiches! he thinks he's a person!
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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