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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 138,988 People

    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    Juggalooking Juggalooking 70+, M 17 hrs ago

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses Nov 22

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    I bought a dog once. Names him 'Stay' "come

    here, Stay." He's insane now.
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Nocturnes Nocturnes 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    -Yet another conversation between me

    and my friends late at night just being stupid- Him: I'm Italian, so it's okay for me to talk loud and get in other people's faces. Me: I'm Irish, so it's okay for me to talk loud, get in other people's faces, and drink so much that I throw up all over your pizza. Both of us...
    NaturallyPeculiar NaturallyPeculiar 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 7

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    My answering machine: "Hi,

    I am sorry I've missed your call and I will call you back at my earliest convenience. Please leave you message after the swear word" *Beeeep*
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 4 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    In the country of The Blind,

    the one-eyed man is not king. The one-eyed man is in a freak show.
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 164 Responses Nov 25

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    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    lloydieboi14 lloydieboi14 18-21, M 2 hrs ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Never trust an institution claiming to be a

    meritocracy if it has no one funny-looking in important positions.
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 22 hrs ago

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    5 rules to remember in life: 1.

    Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only...
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    I just found the most amazing thing

    ever http://m.imgur.com/nuR4V
    guitarspro guitarspro 18-21, M 6 hrs ago

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    Once someone knows me really well,

    it becomes easier for them to understand me... especially when I joke or when I don't even try lol, but most people find me humorous after getting to know me much better (: I open up overtime (: I have wicked thoughts that I don't act upon XD But just the other day, I thought...
    MsShortiie MsShortiie 18-21, F 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    i met a foreign women the other day

    so i asked her where is from. " i am Irish." she replied. and I couldn't help but say "so do you work in the US lost office?" only friends' fans will understand this one.
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 3 hrs ago

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    ElfonShelf ElfonShelf 41-45, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    Language of teenage girl translated.

    And absolute truth. xD Fine - Pissed of completely. Five minutes - Half an hour. Nothing - Definitely something. I'm just tired - I'm upset. Hug me. Go ahead - Don't even think about it! Thanks - This is a legit apology. Thanks a lot - This is NOT a legit apology. It is...
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 21 Responses Nov 28

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    This might sound racist,

    but all Christmas trees look alike to me.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Sometimes I save random pictures of Prince on

    my phone...there always seems to be an occasion when I need to use it. I have used the Purple Rain album cover several times this week...
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    I posted on Facebook

    that my cat died. I was at the garage and a work friend told me that he was sorry to hear about my kitty cat. Another coworker overheard and ask what I did with the body. I said, "Why?....do you want it?" He was speechless for a moment. Turns out that he just wanted to know...
    saintmeaty saintmeaty 36-40, F 20 hrs ago

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    Geez, you offer a sincere complement on

    someone's mustache. And suddenly, she's not your friend anymore!
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    Rick Astley would let you borrow any movie from

    his Pixar collection except one. He is never gonna give you UP.
    Batman328 Batman328 18-21, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I think Dr Phil needs help.

    .coz the answers are quiet obvious...maybe he not getting some at home :P lol
    DarkSlayerX DarkSlayerX 26-30, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hoes be naming their kids **** they can't

    even afford: Mercedes, diamond, pearl, rend, welfare, phone bill
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 10 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Ranger5064 Ranger5064 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Not really......but I always hear people talk

    about Jennifer Lawrence. I'm like, "who the hell is Jennifer Lawrence?" So I did a little research and oh, she's the hunger games girl?? Wow, her make up artist did a fantastic job, they look nothing alike. @_@
    Togepi07 Togepi07 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 29 Responses Dec 8

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 12 Responses Oct 23

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    Weird doesn't quite seem to cover it actually.

    My sense of humour is pretty arrogant. I dunno, I seem to come across as totally up myself. I think. Haha. I guess that's because I am though. Isn't our humour just a reflection of who we are? Good thing I love myself, eh!
    OlicityShipper OlicityShipper 70+, F 1 day ago

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    barzins barzins 46-50, M 8 Responses 6 hrs ago