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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 145,533 People

    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 39 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Fancy dress party, and

    that TV commercial. Firstly, there is an add on telly here in the uk. It's for a price comparison website "money supermarket" the catch line is, on the current advert "Dave saved £100 on his car insurance and now he feels epic" cut to a guy in a suit strutting proudly down a...
    Heellover Heellover 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 39 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    "I used to think the brain was the most

    wonderful organ in my body. And then I realized who was telling me this." - Emo Phillips
    Bluejay1812 Bluejay1812 26-30, F 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    And I know this, and it's cool but-at times

    most people don't get me , and that kinda makes for a long night, and a lot of explaining and that just does something too me, so I would rather be quiet that speak, I mean sometimes I just want to hang about with a guy who gets me and when I say something witty he stops for a...
    amie26 amie26 31-35, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    KarmaKit KarmaKit 41-45, F 13 Responses 2 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    I want to get a pool,

    and name it "P*ssy", so whenever my friends ask me what I'm doing that day, I can tell them I'll be swimming in P*ssy, and if I drown in the pool, my family and friends can tell people I died drowning in P*ussy.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3, 2014

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    Ad: "Simple way to eliminate years on your

    face" [Photo: close up of smiling model's face with diarrhea face-mask].
    urbanseeker urbanseeker 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    Doesnt mean I have a crude sense of humour,

    I am open to solicitations.
    AcousticAnne1 AcousticAnne1 26-30, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Things to make you stop

    and think 1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 3. Only in America...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 12

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    They say there is safety in numbers.

    Try telling that to 6 million Jews.
    Xplictt Xplictt 22-25, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    Never criticize someone

    unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    I was at the post office.

    Behind the counter on the wall was a motivational poster. It had a picture of the Great Wall of China and something written about working together to achieve great things. I said to her "That a motivational poster with the great Wall of China? ". "yes" she replied. "you know...
    Ulfhednar74 Ulfhednar74 36-40, M 6 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Unfortunately for me my humor always comes out

    at the worst times -_- For instance my friend fell down a flight of stairs injuring her ankle right before a volleyball game a couple of years ago. Instead of saying "are you okay" like the other 20 or so girls on my team I looked at the giant bag of ice on her ankle- they could...
    WhoNeedsAUsername WhoNeedsAUsername 16-17, F 12 Responses 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    i hate when people are offended by my jokes.

    They can be pretty bad sometimes but its just a joke. I dont get offended when people joke about my races.
    TheTenaciousPirate TheTenaciousPirate 18-21, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 14 Responses Oct 23, 2014

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    the dress is white and gold *waits

    for argument to start*
    PorkythePig PorkythePig 18-21, M 28 Responses 3 days ago

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    Don't you hate it when you use the bathroom at

    your friend's house and they hide the plunger???
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Once I thought LGBT was a sandwich.

    .. Lettuce, Glitter, Bacon, Tomato? #teamlesbian
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses 2 days ago

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    If con is the opposite of pro,

    is Congress the opposite of progress?
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    This joke I heard from my grandma's

    sister-in-law: three boys are playing beside a river when Barack Obama and his bodyguard appear walking along the opposite edge. Suddenly Obama falls in! Before the bodyguard can react, the three boys jump in and pull him to shore. After calming down a bit, Obama says "you saved...
    Countrybae Countrybae 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Going to McDonald's for a salad makes about

    as much sense as going to a hooker for a hug.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 11 Responses 1 day ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 62 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    'Surprise' sex is always a wonderful thing to

    wake up to. Except when you're in prison. And family reunions.
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 9 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    "Black Widow Baby" is an instantly better song

    if you think about an actual baby black widow spider.
    vivianvulpes vivianvulpes 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    When I get low on money I start thinking

    irrationally like "what if I hadn't spend that 10$ back in 2004?"
    dvkota dvkota 16-17, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 21 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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