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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,547 People

    I accidentally went grocery shopping on an

    empty stomach. . . . . . and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 8 hrs ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    "Yes, I'd like a venti skinny soy half-sweet

    one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.", , , ,,Uh sir we only have Pepsi. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    A train traveled from San Fransisco to Los

    Angeles in 4 hours . . .Now a different train traveled from Los Angeles to San Fransisco in 8 hours . . . .this proves that the train leaving Los Angeles was half fast
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 45 mins ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Ever since I was a kid I have questioned

    authority . . .for instance. . . .How does anyone know every snow flake is unique . . . .like who's gonna check. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 13 hrs ago

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    My friend is part black

    and part Japanese . . ..every December 7th. . . . . he goes out and bombs Pearl Baily. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Has anybody seen that new documentary thats

    out. . . . . about white trash?. . . I just saw the trailer.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 8 hrs ago

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    I guess I have to agree with my wife.

    . . .I do have too much time on my hands . . . .so to speak. . . 
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 13 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Thats interesting . .

    . .I read today the inventor of throat lozenges has died.. . I suppose there'll be no coffin at his funeral. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 hr ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I guess I have to agree with my wife .

    . . .I do have too much time on my hands . . . . 
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 13 hrs ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 42 Responses Feb 27

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Apparently people get freaked out

    when your plane is landing and you start singing what if God is one of us..
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 16 hrs ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    I've always wondered about the guy

    who named superheroes ya know. . .Like. . . OK You are Batman, check. . . and you are Wonder Woman, check. . . .and you are Spiderman, check . . (.then he took a hit of acid ) OK Green Lantern . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Captain booger researcher had power.

    Seargeant time keeper didnt. The world blew up. Because the captain ignored reports. That times gave hints. Of the end here. By oil drilling. And factories free to pollute for a decade.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 14 hrs ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    My neighbor's a moron.

    . . I asked him why he has a Telescope pointed at the lady's house across the street. . . He said he was studying a broad. . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    Have you ever noticed

    that ":3" looks like a deep throat BJ ? Lol #SorryNotSorry
    TheLeftBehind TheLeftBehind 18-21, M 4 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    deersa deersa 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 8 Responses Mar 3

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    I have a friend who is part black

    and part Japanese. . . .every December 7th . . .he goes out and bombs Pearl Baily
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Maybe it's just me but .

    . . .Should'nt marijuana dispensaries be called grass stations?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 hr ago

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    Sad news in the entertainment world.

    . . . .Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song and dance classic 'The Hokey Pokey' is dead at 93.. . . . His funeral went off with only one hitch,. . . . while transferring Larry to his coffin, . . . .they put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble began.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 hr ago

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    Sometimes I play a blank CD

    as loud as it will go. . . .it drives the mime next door nuts. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 59 mins ago

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    I've noticed lately that lol really means I

    have nothing else to say. LOLOLOL
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I have some weird friends,

    . . . They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    My Grandson came running in the other day

    and said "Gramps , I got a joke for you . . ." "OK" I said . . .He says "OK , these three Polish guys go walking into this bar right ". . .I said "Hey Hey Hey , dont use ethnic terms when telling a joke , you could hurt some ones feelings, what I use is KLINGONS, that way...
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014