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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,754 People

    It seems to me . . . .

    The Bachelor is the show that answers the question . . . "How much wine do you have to drink until the guy making out with twenty different women seems like he'd make a good husband?". . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    My dog just winked at me.

    I'm pretty sure something's about to go down...
    juskeepswimming juskeepswimming 31-35, F 16 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    I was bored yesterday.

    . . so I went to the Hardware store . . . .picked a crescent wrench. . . .and then proceeded to run up and down each aisle. . . .while yelling . . . "This Is Not A Drill ! "
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 22 hrs ago

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    My wife says I should have told this lady about

    her sweatshirt . . .I said "No way. . . Mickey knows where his head is at , she's the one that doesnt have clue!"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    ƃuıɥʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ sǝop ʇxǝʇ ǝɥʇ

    uʍop ǝpısdn uı ʇı ƃnld noʎ ɟı ' pɹɐoqʎǝʞ qsn ʍǝu sıɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ ı
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 hrs ago

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    Heres someting to think about

    while on hold . . . . .Dont you wish you liked anything as much as young, white girls like sending drunk snapchats.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 7 hrs ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    A train traveled from San Fransisco to Los

    Angeles in 4 hours . . .Now a different train traveled from Los Angeles to San Fransisco in 8 hours . . . .this proves that the train leaving Los Angeles was half fast
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    My favorite quote ever,

    "Shut up, my mom says I'm cool!"
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    My neighbors a moron.

    . .Yesterday he got a new job and he told me all he does is drive around picking up Mexican chicks all day. . . . .Today he drove his work truck home . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 42 Responses Feb 27

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB

    instead of WebMD . . . . and it told me I have Gary Busey. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    wow, mind blown, the Native Americans actually

    changed the term Indian from a slang to something worshipped in sports, then reminded everyone and destroyed all the effort from their forefathers. crazy to think.
    Golfknar Golfknar 36-40, M 1 day ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Don't ya hate it when the grammar nazis single

    you out. . . .it's like they are on some kind of which hunt.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    My wife text me early this morning .

    . ."Windows frozen". . .I texted back "Pour warm water on em".. . . She texted back . . "Now computer doesnt turn on at all !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    If "The Breakfast Club" were made today,

    . . . . .it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    I remember the first time I had sex.

    . . .boy was i so scared. . . .I think it's because I was alone . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Boy oh boy. . . .somebody authorized this job

    at city hall . . .and every body is pointing fingers at every one else . . .its being dubbed "Gategate"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 21 hrs ago

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    I was bored yesterday.

    . . so I went to the Hardware store . . . .picked up a crescent wrench. . . .and then proceeded to run up and down each aisle. . . .while yelling . . . "This Is Not A Drill !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I hate snakes . . . .

    . because they have no feet. . . . . . You could say I'm lacktoes intolerant.. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 7 hrs ago

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    Good . . .the hospitol has FREE wifi.

    . . I just got off the phone with my lawyer. . . .he's not sure how big a settlement we may get, . . . .but he knows the people that make The Dyson Ball Cleaner will be changing that name . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Cool, . . .I Just got my invitation to Lady

    Gaga's wedding reception. . . . . I can choose between beef or chicken.. . . . . Not for the meal, that's the dress code.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    gamesformolly gamesformolly 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    I guess I just dont understand British culture .

    . . .But , What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    . . . . and then there are those people

    who say I just have too much time on my hands . . .so to speak. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    When my first girlfriend said she was ready to

    walk down the aisle. . . . . . . I Sent her grocery shopping. . . .while I moved
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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