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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 136,693 People

    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    *me texting my step-bro* me : how was your

    flight ? bro's phone : this is his Gf , who are you exactly ? , ***** , why are you texting my man ? me : okay , first of all stop calling yourself his "girlfriend" to make yourself feel better than the other girls -_- ,, we all know ya ain't official so don't flatter yourself...
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    I can find humor in the silliest of places!

    I also think its necessary for some situations... Even bad ones at times and with the right people.
    YouKnowItMakesSense YouKnowItMakesSense 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 10 Responses Oct 23

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    The closest i came to a 4.

    0 in school was my blood-alcohol-level...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Ever notice how some peoples brain waves seem

    to fall a little short of the beach?....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 7 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    The grass is only greener on the other side

    because its fertilized with bullsh!t...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    You call it lazy, I call it Selective

    Participation. 😏
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    Why do they have toilet paper commercials?

    Like, who ISNT buying it!?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    Dear Sidewalk ,, please get wider .

    .. Sincerely : the third friend walking behind feeling excluded :'( XD
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Ok, is it just me, or does Oscar the grouch

    look like a giant talking weed nugget?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 7 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    when people ask "how tough are you ?

    " XD ps .. CUTENESS OVERLOAD !!!!!!! 
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses Aug 21

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Some of the people i work with are about

    as useless as a windshield wiper on a goats ***, i cant figure out if they're just stupid or possessed by a retarded ghost...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I dont care how many cool things APPLE comes

    out with, theyll NEVER top: v@gina....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    rachel335 rachel335 16-17, F 10 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Fact: guys who help around the house,

    cook, open doors, pull out chairs, carry heavy things, kill spiders, and bring home flowers NEVER hear: "not tonight i have a headache"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    If potatoes are a vegetable

    and gravy is a dressing, then technically im eating a salad right now....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Fact: no woman has ever killed a man

    while he was washing the dishes...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    I yet a again saw EPAllie's profile pic

    somewhere, but for some reason read it as "EPA I Lie" and started laughing. I probably should sleep soon. :p
    LOMD LOMD 31-35, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    It's so cold outside I accidentally keyed

    someone's car with my niipples. Lmao.
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Oct 18

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    This should not have been

    as funny as it was.But my god, FLIPPERS! 
    Ginkofishin Ginkofishin 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    The biggest dilemma in dealing with 2 faced

    people, is deciding which one to slap first...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    my new answer i give to everyone i meet is "ive

    never been to liberia".my question is,where the **** is liberia?
    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The more of it you EAT.

    ..the more of IT you'll GET...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    I just drank a whole can of Red Bull

    and now I feel like fist pumping until my arm falls off 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I dont know why some women complain,

    they have half the money and ALL the p#ssy, what more could anyone possibly want?!?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    I'm not sure if I'm a ****

    for this, but my friends dog died suffocating in a bag of croutons. I thought it was hilarious!
    nogoodnamesleft26 nogoodnamesleft26 16-17, T 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    That moment when u realize

    that u r NOT the only female on ep....WTF!!!!!
    Wonderwoman25 Wonderwoman25 36-40, F 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    I hate how spiders just sit on the walls

    and act like they pay rent! Jeesh gotta pet them with a shoe
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Nov 1

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