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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 149,591 People

    Last night I ate a 45 megaton nuke.

    This morning I flambe-ed our showercurtain after farting
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    Me understand not do people most.

    Backward sentences my of most say I because be may it.
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    When you are a lazy bastard like me,

    I have some words of advice for you. When getting up for the toilet is to much distress, you can pee in an empty beer bottle, but there is one very important rule here: have several bottles ready or be preparered to sit on a wet couch, because you WILL NOT make it to the toilet...
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    People ask if I live under power lines I say no

    my parent told me to play in traffic but now I stand on the train tracks waiting for the train to come.
    wildgreywolf1979 wildgreywolf1979 31-35, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Ninive Ninive 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Since I found out I was able to suck myself my

    head is most of the day giving head to me. I have become so good at sucking I can now unclock your blocked toilet from a three meter distance without even taking my **** out of my mouth
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Sometimes the world just need a little strange

    in it...., that's where I come in. I know I'm not like "others". That's my intentions. I don't want to be normal. But hey, at least I have a heart.
    EyeDontGiveAHoot EyeDontGiveAHoot 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I was raised a vegan,

    but recently discovered a craving for fish while giving oral to my wife
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Pick a number between 1

    and 3, not including 1 or 3, and it has to be a whole number.
    AndrtheEnderhatter AndrtheEnderhatter 13-15, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Last night it was really dark

    and I saw a small burning dot above my bicycle. So I said "Yo Nigg@r quit smoking on my cycle!". Then the red light disappeared and so did my bicycle.
    hindustaniberawem hindustaniberawem 16-17, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    To me, Life and Death are like common parents,

    one wakes you up and the other one puts you to sleep.
    TheTofuMaster TheTofuMaster 22-25, M 3 hrs ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    So my daughter said Judy peanuts

    and I thought she said Judy penis and my husband spoke up and said no that's in her purse I was laughing so hard
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Am outside. Next to truck.

    Charging phone. Horsefly lands on me. Me says. Hey. You aint got no saddle. And me cant ride you. To a safer place. So. Shoo fly. Dont tease me no more.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Kumarie Kumarie 13-15, F 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 44 Responses Feb 27

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    OMG !!! My life is so full of hilarious crap

    that I do. So after going to great lengths to get all done up pretty (I'm gender variable) and heading out for a meeting, I suddenly realize that I start driving like a stereotypical women !! Suddenly the clutch and manual shift transmission confuses me and I have zero sense...
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 7 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    So I was in my English class with a bunch of

    idiot people who don't do any work behind me, and I hear," Oh my Gawd if I lived there, I'd murder myself!" I chuckled and repeated," Murder one's self" In my mind.
    MacBloo2 MacBloo2 13-15, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    I like the sound of wearing wetsuits

    and getting gunged. Have worn a wetsuit on water once and that was in the shower!! I have never been gunged but will be soon at my gfs house. personally can not wait
    Wetsuitgunger123 Wetsuitgunger123 41-45 18 hrs ago

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    my granddaughter 11 months hit the keyboard

    and turn the speak to text and this what she had babble apparently: caressing me up early girl thats what you just typed your daughter just woke me up
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 3 days ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Don't you think it would be a good idea

    if on a plane they actually made the seats so a normal person could assume the emergency position of putting your head between your legs and kissing your *** goodbye?
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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