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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,566 People

    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    My Grandson came running in the other day

    and said "Gramps , I got a joke for you . . ." "OK" I said . . .He says "OK , these three Polish guys go walking into this bar right ". . .I said "Hey Hey Hey , dont use ethnic terms when telling a joke , you could hurt some ones feelings, what I use is KLINGONS, that way...
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    I accidentally went grocery shopping on an

    empty stomach. . . . . . and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 14 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Apparently people get freaked out

    when your plane is landing and you start singing what if God is one of us..
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 21 hrs ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    I sometimes feel like i'm the only one

    who laughs. I like to see the bright side of everything and nothing beats a good laugh. I laugh in awkward situations because i think its hilarious. I laugh at people who try too hard because its just funny. I like to laugh.
    BiggerIsBetter44 BiggerIsBetter44 13-15, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I've always wondered about the guy

    who named superheroes ya know. . .Like. . . OK You are Batman, check. . . and you are Wonder Woman, check. . . .and you are Spiderman, check . . (.then he took a hit of acid ) OK Green Lantern . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    I guess I have to agree with my wife .

    . . .I do have too much time on my hands . . . . 
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 18 hrs ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    I have a friend who is part black

    and part Japanese. . . .every December 7th . . .he goes out and bombs Pearl Baily
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Sometimes I play a blank CD

    as loud as it will go. . . .it drives the mime next door nuts. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    deersa deersa 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    If my wife calls me lazy one more time .

    . .I swear I'm getting off this couch and go to the bedroom and take a nap
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Thats interesting . .

    . .I read today the inventor of throat lozenges has died.. . I suppose there'll be no coffin at his funeral. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 hrs ago

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    Man oh man . . .when my wife said we were

    having "Period Features" added to the house . . . .I didnt know these people would be stopping by once a month. . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 18 hrs ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    My neighbor's a moron .

    . .he thinks Roe Versus Wade are the two most popular ways to get across the Potomac. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Ever since I was a kid I have questioned

    authority . . .for instance. . . .How does anyone know every snow flake is unique . . . .like who's gonna check. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 18 hrs ago

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    My neighbor's a moron.

    . . I asked him why he has a Telescope pointed at the lady's house across the street. . . He said he was studying a broad. . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 8 Responses Mar 3

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 42 Responses Feb 27

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    I have some weird friends,

    . . . They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Captain booger researcher had power.

    Seargeant time keeper didnt. The world blew up. Because the captain ignored reports. That times gave hints. Of the end here. By oil drilling. And factories free to pollute for a decade.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 19 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I often wonder: am I thinking with my balls,

    or are my balls thinking with me? Anyone?
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 2 days ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Has anybody seen that new documentary thats

    out. . . . . about white trash?. . . I just saw the trailer.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 14 hrs ago

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    Oh, oh, oh, I got a reply !

    ! Oh yeah, it was just me finishing up a comment in a subsequent message because I'm not ept enough to effectively use an app :/ derrrr
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 1 day ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    "Yes, I'd like a venti skinny soy half-sweet

    one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.", , , ,,Uh sir we only have Pepsi. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Sad news in the entertainment world.

    . . . .Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song and dance classic 'The Hokey Pokey' is dead at 93.. . . . His funeral went off with only one hitch,. . . . while transferring Larry to his coffin, . . . .they put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble began.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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