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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 139,183 People

    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Jack and Jill went up the hill

    so Jack can lick her candy. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of c*ck because Jill's real name was randy
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 43 mins ago

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    It’s not just the “little,

    ” it’s the “have yourself.” Does anyone else find the title of the Yuletide classic “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” oddly condescending?
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    I laugh of everything,

    so when I'm the only one who's laugh of a bad jokes, it's just really awkward><. But when is a joke on tv I never laugh (only in side) don't know why
    NinaOMB NinaOMB 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    lloydieboi14 lloydieboi14 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    So today someone texted me asking

    if I was a male or female and I thought it was funny because my profile says female but my picture looks like a male I like confusing people on my gender I won't tell anyone if I'm male or female but go ahead and guess if you want haha I think it's funny when people can't tell...
    AhavaGamoran AhavaGamoran 18-21, F 7 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    This is ironic. nietzsche: 'God is dead.

    ' god: 'nietzsche is dead.' Well, don't care what is right on that one. but one thing's for sure.. philosophy is now dead! :Dhahaha so suck on that nietzsche! :Dhahaha
    OrganicLunarEclipse OrganicLunarEclipse 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 164 Responses Nov 25

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    Little kid: "im Billy

    and im 5" me: cool. Little kid: "im gonna have a better job then this whem im your age" me: "oh yeah? Well while youre waiting; youre only here because the condom broke, your parents fight all the time because they hate eachother AND you so in a few years theyll ne divorced and...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 10 hrs ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Two deer walk into a gay bar,

    when they come out the first deer goes to the other deer "I think I just blew 50 bucks in there" xD
    colourfulskeleton colourfulskeleton 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    When I hang around my two friends offline(whom

    are currently my only two friends) the guy gets more of my humor than her. They're dating and I truly enjoy the company. They're both avid MLP fans and I am totally out of the loop of MLP(not particularly amused by it, the show is alright). My sense of humor is terribly...
    Sacryfice Sacryfice 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    AARP: American Association Of Retired Persons.

    An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over fifty to remind them that they will soon be dead.
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    i laugh at things all the time

    that nobody else finds funny.
    fairybby fairybby 13-15, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Christmas is like your job; you do all the work

    and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 7

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    *follows dreams* *dreams don't follow

    back* *unfollows dreams* - My friend texted me that this morning XD
    MariexOkay MariexOkay 13-15, F 8 hrs ago

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    AIR : the glorious god given substance

    that provides us our very breath of life, while also containing the disgusting, contagious pathogens that will some day kill us.
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Friend: dude I'm totally over her now Me: sweet

    lets go eat food! Friend: *cries* she used to eat food! Me: -.-
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My best friend's Aunt is basically obsessed

    with frying anything whenever she can. Her fire alarm went off and she threw it in the frying pan! Alex: Would you like one or two fire alarms with your chips? Me: Err I don't know about fire alarms but I'll have a fireman. Alex: I'm sorry we don't fry those.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    mrloweco mrloweco 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses 6 days ago

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    "You can catch flies with honey,

    but you can catch more honeys being fly" Lol there is some truth in this xD (not my quote)
    FierrrrceNadia FierrrrceNadia 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    Language of teenage girl translated.

    And absolute truth. xD Fine - Pissed of completely. Five minutes - Half an hour. Nothing - Definitely something. I'm just tired - I'm upset. Hug me. Go ahead - Don't even think about it! Thanks - This is a legit apology. Thanks a lot - This is NOT a legit apology. It is...
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I've realized that I'm incapable of hearing

    "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" without chuckling at the mental picture of Will Ferrell vomiting on a revolving platform: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONFsGDUbaXA
    lcz415 lcz415 26-30 1 day ago

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    i met a foreign women the other day

    so i asked her where is from. " i am Irish." she replied. and I couldn't help but say "so do you work in the US lost office?" only friends' fans will understand this one.
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    ACCENT: A way of speaking

    which reflects a region of the world where you grew up. Depending on where that is, and where you are when you use it, it can either get you beat up, or get you laid. This is so true. I melt whenever I hear a good Australian or Irish/Scottish accent... man, even a good southern...
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 20 Responses Nov 28

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    Just because you're trash doesn't mean you

    can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
    minioreosarebomb minioreosarebomb 22-25, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    What do you give the person

    who has everything? NOTHING! problem....solved (this option also works for those idiots who always say: "oh dont get me anything")...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 10 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    Put mistletoe in your back pocket at your

    office party so they call all kiss your @ss...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 10 hrs ago