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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 142,550 People

    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 8 Responses Dec 2, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I'm not even on drugs.

    I'm just weird.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 6 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 11 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 21 Responses Jan 8

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 10 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    This is what happens

    when a little boy likes a girl: 
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    normal person: - sings lyrics me: - sings

    lyrics - sings backup vocals - sings guitar riffs - plays air drum the entire song - head-bangs
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses 4 days ago

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    they say you are what you eat

    and i'm a human so...
    trueregret880 trueregret880 13-15, M 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 39 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    BOO! Why the hell do breaking news alerts only

    happen when I'm trying to watch Ellen on my day off?
    Stickboy1984 Stickboy1984 26-30, M 5 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    SerSean SerSean 18-21, M 7 hrs ago

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    Hey! Im 38 years old,

    almost 39 but my humor is silly/weird and in the gutter most of the time! Lol....so pull your pants up people and save that **** for later cuz I wanna talk about stuff you've heard that people have gotten stuck in their junk..or on it...??? Help me out here that crap is...
    MissJamie12 MissJamie12 36-40 3 days ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 22 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak

    while it's strapped to the top of someone's car. :3
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    That moment when you're playing Scrabble with

    little kids and your tileset is just awful, so you start adding "S" to their moves, and bully them when they argue that there's no word such as "TEETHS".
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Why is youre sh*t pointed?

    otherwise youre butthole would close with a bang!
    XUD9 XUD9 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Lovetocook44 Lovetocook44 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I wouldn't say weird ,

    it's just what I find funny , other people don't . For instance , I asked for a tattoo and my step dad said no . My mother said " maybe you shouldn't have ink on your skin with you being sick " - yes I'm ill - so I said " That's what I mean . I already have one foot in the grave...
    EssSmith EssSmith 16-17, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    5s0s 5s0s 16-17, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13, 2014

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    smeckledorfed smeckledorfed 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    what happened to the frog

    when he parked illegally? HE GOT TOAD!
    bman2014 bman2014 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7, 2014

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    "No rest is worth anything.

    Except the rest that has been earned." Yes, quite an adourious task t moan about life, shout atyer wifi connection. Night all I deserve my rest.
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    …..................

    .....................😎
    Phyllispurple Phyllispurple 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney

    World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like "excuse me, I’m working here."
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Lmao!!! I was in the grocery store yesterday.

    OOH look! A new ketchup bottle with 25% extra, Cool! I took the stuff I was going to buy to the counter (keep in mind that the store was a huge one). I took a look around me and found some guy right behind me. He was shaking profusely so I just past it off as that he had...
    InnocentPigeon InnocentPigeon 70+ 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3, 2014

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses 3 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Being single, I celebrate Independence Day

    twice a year, one in February and one in June (Philippine Independence Day).
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 59 mins ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 12

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    Coworker: how would you describe your sex life

    using only the title of a video game? Boss: left 4 dead Coworker 1: Sonic Me: mass effect Coworker 2: alone in the dark Coworker 3: .......... Goat simulator Lmao wtf 😂
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 12 Responses 1 day ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    When people look at you

    and then all of a sudden, lick their lips... DARN YOU! I'M NOT EDIBLE, YOU CANNIBAL!
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    "The only problem with the gene pool,

    is that their is no lifeguard" :p
    BananaSmoothiee BananaSmoothiee 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 71 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Laziness is what happens

    when you look at your workload, tell yourself "I can always do it tomorrow", and saying the same thing on the next day.
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses 4 days ago