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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 149,490 People

    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 44 Responses Feb 27

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    Don't you think it would be a good idea

    if on a plane they actually made the seats so a normal person could assume the emergency position of putting your head between your legs and kissing your *** goodbye?
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    A man in a bar put down a life crocodile on the

    tap, flipped his **** into its mouth and hit it hard on the head. He yelled: who dares to do THIS now huh? An old lady in the back replied: well I would, as long as you don't hit me in the head like that!
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Yes I'm a ganjaplanter,

    oh, I'm a ganja farmer. Deep down under the earth were I put me ganja. Babylon come and light it up on fire me a chant
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 23 hrs ago

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    Turds are brown, snot is green,

    you look like **** and I am very mean
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    So I was in my English class with a bunch of

    idiot people who don't do any work behind me, and I hear," Oh my Gawd if I lived there, I'd murder myself!" I chuckled and repeated," Murder one's self" In my mind.
    MacBloo2 MacBloo2 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Me understand not do people most.

    Backward sentences my of most say I because be may it.
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Am outside. Next to truck.

    Charging phone. Horsefly lands on me. Me says. Hey. You aint got no saddle. And me cant ride you. To a safer place. So. Shoo fly. Dont tease me no more.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Last night I ate a 45 megaton nuke.

    This morning I flambe-ed our showercurtain after farting
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 23 hrs ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Ninive Ninive 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Since I found out I was able to suck myself my

    head is most of the day giving head to me. I have become so good at sucking I can now unclock your blocked toilet from a three meter distance without even taking my **** out of my mouth
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 22 hrs ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    So my daughter said Judy peanuts

    and I thought she said Judy penis and my husband spoke up and said no that's in her purse I was laughing so hard
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    Pick a number between 1

    and 3, not including 1 or 3, and it has to be a whole number.
    AndrtheEnderhatter AndrtheEnderhatter 13-15, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    When you are a lazy bastard like me,

    I have some words of advice for you. When getting up for the toilet is to much distress, you can pee in an empty beer bottle, but there is one very important rule here: have several bottles ready or be preparered to sit on a wet couch, because you WILL NOT make it to the toilet...
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 23 hrs ago

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 1 hr ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 22 hrs ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    If you look at a pile of armpit hair at a

    quantum level, its stops being disgusting and looks interesting. But I'm not sure you can take my chemistry teacher's face the same way. :(
    hindustaniberawem hindustaniberawem 16-17, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 8 Responses Mar 14

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    I was raised a vegan,

    but recently discovered a craving for fish while giving oral to my wife
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Sometimes the world just need a little strange

    in it...., that's where I come in. I know I'm not like "others". That's my intentions. I don't want to be normal. But hey, at least I have a heart.
    EyeDontGiveAHoot EyeDontGiveAHoot 36-40, F 3 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    Oh what the hell! It's a beautiful,

    ****-luscious hump day! Here's a topless photo for ya'll to enjoy!
    MommysGotTats420 MommysGotTats420 22-25, F 11 Responses 4 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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