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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 139,724 People

    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    1kingdarkness 1kingdarkness 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    I got a job rejection email two days

    before Christmas. I guess timing is everything. They seem to have rejected all the applicants, as the job was just re-posted--without any changes. Go figure...I found it amusing.
    taxformspointman taxformspointman 56-60, M 2 days ago

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    From a comedian who I don't recall: "Lordy!

    Dat woman so tall if she fell down she already be half way home."
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    How do you get rid of g.

    ays? Well one person must announce that they are g.ay. Who is this person that'll get rid of ALL g.ays?? Justin Bieber.
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 29 Responses Dec 8

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    I can't chew gum and take a shower at the

    sametime. physically impossible.
    loui24 loui24 22-25, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    spent night in jail.merry christmas people.

    and a happy ******* new year too
    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses 4 days ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Saw this earlier and had to laugh.

    We have a lot of these around the house and keep literally anything in them haha.
    Env06 Env06 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Thought Santa had visited my house early last

    night. Was in my bedroom, looked up and saw a man with a big red round face and big fat belly too. Turns out it was the mirror.
    LTEP69 LTEP69 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 10 Responses Aug 28

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    Finally some funny road rage.

    Haha I love this. Crazy Russia ... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AIBp-xnXv74
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I know you're not suppose to start drinking

    until after 5.00, but what do you do if time don't move fast enough?
    stupendusdude stupendusdude 46-50 9 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Read this without smiling.

    .. The two g.ay old men went for a power walk... One has short grey hair and the other white curly hair... The fat old lady at the bus stop, glasses, short brunette stared in horror and amazement at the 2 men... cause they were 100% naked!
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Ma calls me while I am out on a walk with

    friends. Ma: Come home. It's dark outside. Me: Thanx ma, for telling me. I hadn't noticed it yet.
    rabinafrost rabinafrost 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Words of wisdom: When the toilets at work don't

    flush properly don't keep flushing. Merry Christmas to our neighbours on the floor below us.. I have your weather prediction for work on Monday: cloudy with 100% change of sewage downpour.. He he
    aquagrl aquagrl 31-35, F 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 13 Responses Nov 5

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    LTEP69 LTEP69 51-55, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Innuendo anybody? I laugh out loud at the most

    inappropriate times when someone says something that could possibly be taken the RIGHT way! Hehe
    Iamdavidok Iamdavidok 36-40, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses Nov 22

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    Little Sally came home from school with a smile

    on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied...
    LTEP69 LTEP69 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I think this speaks

    for itself...
    miteinen miteinen 22-25, F 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    The awkward moment when you gently toss your

    phone on your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock down 2 lamps, and kill a cat.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 162 Responses Nov 25

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    I find jokes about depression,

    anxiety, eating disorders, etc. funny because I can relate and it makes me laugh
    oliveyouberrymuch oliveyouberrymuch 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didnโ€™t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 7

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    my friend was super drunk yesterday

    so i took him to his home -because i'm always sober- so we were in the bedroom and he saw himself in the mirror and he was like"F*** there is a black guy in my house" XD
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 69 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I'm pretty awkward 99% of the time,

    I don't know how I have friends lol ๐Ÿ˜‚
    Sergjok Sergjok 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    When your Twerk speaks

    for itself , Don't interrupt.
    MixedTy MixedTy 13-15, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 1 day ago

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    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 2 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13

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    I was in math class and my teacher asked "what

    comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.
    LTEP69 LTEP69 51-55, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.ย  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.ย  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    You call it lazy, I call it Selective

    Participation. ๐Ÿ˜
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    Iย laughed so hard atย this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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