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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,688 People

    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    I've always wondered about the guy

    who named superheroes ya know. . .Like. . . OK You are Batman, check. . . and you are Wonder Woman, check. . . .and you are Spiderman, check . . (.then he took a hit of acid ) OK Green Lantern . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I have some weird friends,

    . . . They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Has anybody seen that new documentary thats

    out. . . . . about white trash?. . . I just saw the trailer.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    gamesformolly gamesformolly 13-15, F 20 hrs ago

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    . . . . and then there are those people

    who say I just have too much time on my hands . . .so to speak. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 16 hrs ago

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    Now here's something to think about

    while you are on hold . . . .which would be worse . . . .doing this boring job . . . .or having the job title of "Deboner". . . .it almost sounds French. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 16 hrs ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    If my wife calls me lazy one more time .

    . .I swear I'm getting off this couch and go to the bedroom and take a nap
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    On the internet: "I F***** hate people" On the

    resume: "I love working with people"
    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Sometimes I play a blank CD

    as loud as it will go. . . .it drives the mime next door nuts. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 8 Responses Mar 3

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    I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB

    instead of WebMD . . . . and it told me I have Gary Busey. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    I was bored yesterday.

    . . so I went to the Hardware store . . . .picked up a crescent wrench. . . .and then proceeded to run up and down each aisle. . . .while yelling . . . "This Is Not A Drill !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    I accidentally went grocery shopping on an

    empty stomach. . . . . . and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    My wife text me early this morning .

    . ."Windows frozen". . .I texted back "Pour warm water on em".. . . She texted back . . "Now computer doesnt turn on at all !"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 21 hrs ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    My neighbors a moron.

    . .Yesterday he got a new job and he told me all he does is drive around picking up Mexican chicks all day. . . . .Today he drove his work truck home . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Maybe it's just me but .

    . . .Should'nt marijuana dispensaries be called grass stations?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    'll never forget the day my parents told me I

    was adopted . . . I was 17 and they said , "Ken , you were adopted !" , I said "Really ? " They said , , ,"Yes, and They'll be here in 5 minutes . . . ."
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 5 hrs ago

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    I guess I just dont understand British culture .

    . . .But , What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    I remember the first time I had sex.

    . . .boy was i so scared. . . .I think it's because I was alone . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 5 hrs ago

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    Man. . .I had a dream last night .

    . . I was in a parallel universe. . . and nobody could park. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    A train traveled from San Fransisco to Los

    Angeles in 4 hours . . .Now a different train traveled from Los Angeles to San Fransisco in 8 hours . . . .this proves that the train leaving Los Angeles was half fast
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    It seems to me . . . .

    The Bachelor is the show that answers the question . . . "How much wine do you have to drink until the guy making out with twenty different women seems like he'd make a good husband?". . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    My neighbor's a moron.

    . . I asked him why he has a Telescope pointed at the lady's house across the street. . . He said he was studying a broad. . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    wow, mind blown, the Native Americans actually

    changed the term Indian from a slang to something worshipped in sports, then reminded everyone and destroyed all the effort from their forefathers. crazy to think.
    Golfknar Golfknar 36-40, M 7 hrs ago

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