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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 137,010 People

    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    Isaac Newton has aged

    so much since I was a kid. I am so old lol!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 12 hrs ago

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    Dear Apple/Google, Please make an emoji

    imitating blowing it's brains out so I can better express my true emotional state. Yours Truly, Postal
    RiddikulusSister RiddikulusSister 31-35, F 1 day ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Oct 18

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    Why'd hitler kill himself?

    He saw his gas bill. My wierd humor.
    incrediblelife1011 incrediblelife1011 16-17, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    I decided, for some random reason,

    to do a crude revision of "The Ugly Duckling" titled "The Ugly *** Duck". I wrote it, shared it with a few friends who said they enjoyed it, and then did a reading of it for YouTube.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    She wanted to see a picture of my knob,

    and I was more than happy to oblige.
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My husband came home from a business trip

    and was complaining about the four hour bus tour that he was forced to endure. I listened, and then said "At least it wasn't a three hour tour". He laughed and said "That's right, I would have been ship wrecked".
    Deedle623 Deedle623 51-55, F 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    boydude boydude 22-25, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 62 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    was a little off the other night,

    and might have offended a few people,including ep allie who i said probably had a bigger **** then me,and several other things that wont be mentioned here.also want to make my apoligies now,to all concerned.also want to say im sorry to all the dickheads who posted stuff thati...
    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    You know you're a Medieval kid

    if you had one of these bad boys!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 5 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    I laugh at my own jokes.

    . My friend : if you could have one thing in the world - what would it be? Me : Ebola.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I'm tighter than face lifts

    and flyer than space ships...OHHHHHHH :D
    MariexOkay MariexOkay 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    jeyy90 jeyy90 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 12 Responses Nov 5

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    Im not an addict either,

    addicts go to rehab, im a stoner, we go the the pot club, and then we hit jack in the box...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    ..............goth...

    ...............
    HoldingOnToAir HoldingOnToAir 16-17, T 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    invertedcocaine invertedcocaine 22-25, F 9 Responses Nov 10

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses Aug 21

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    most people thinks if you have a pretty face ,

    you dont have a sense humor. thats like so pathetic ..
    PinkLipstick00 PinkLipstick00 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Haha! Madest thou look.

    .. #favegeico
    annickjean2 annickjean2 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses 3 days ago

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    I'd say I spend about 20% of my day trying to

    convince my dog that we're not about to be murdered by the mailman, UPS guy, squirrels... :|
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The fleeting moment of terror,

    when you're in a pitch black house and you think you hear the wind. Then you sigh with relief as you realize that it's just a child's ghost screaming.
    Shyguy2294 Shyguy2294 18-21, M 19 hrs ago

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    Misaki7590 Misaki7590 16-17, F 1 day ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 11 Responses Oct 23

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    Someone asked me if i wanted to do drugs

    and tried to convince me it would be amazing and i said.... Nah...The only "high" i need is from the natural rush if murder;)
    Happinessarrow Happinessarrow 13-15, F 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Im not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings,

    im a drunk, we go to parties....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    h4ll h4ll 22-25, F 2 days ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    Fact: no woman has ever killed a man

    while he was washing the dishes...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    So about an hour ago,

    this guy called me a succubus in the middle of class because of the black mini and fishnet stockings Im wearing today (only because I'm going to surprise hubby on his break today). One chick immediately consulted a dictionary to find out what that was. I just smiled and told him...
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 1 day ago

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010