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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 153,501 People

    If by ticklish you mean I'll turn into a rabid

    chihuahua when you touch me, then yes, I am ticklish
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    It's not over until the fat lady sings,

    but if you want it to end early, I can put on a dress and yodel for you.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    When I went to the diner

    for a delivery job, the guy asked me if I had a car. I said, "Yeah, my car's right outside." The guy then asked me if I'm reliable. I paused for a second, and then I said, "My car's right outside."
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    I only have sex on days starting with the

    letter T Tuesday Thursday Today Tomorrow Thursday Thaturday Thunday
    00dave 00dave 36-40, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Me: nice race Guy: fastest man alive buddy Me:

    no wonder you can't get a date
    Xamad Xamad 22-25, M 2 Responses May 22

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    You know you're ******

    when your late night thoughts come at the middle of the day
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 28

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    Son: Dad I just had sex!

    Dad: Son, that's great! Come sit and tell me about it!! Son: I can't my *** hurts
    anonamanda001 anonamanda001 18-21, F 2 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    My mom told me to follow my dreams .

    .. so I went back to sleep.. ????
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 38 Responses Feb 27

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    ImProbablyWatchingNetflix ImProbablyWatchingNetflix 16-17, M 10 hrs ago

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    I just felt like writing this story

    and saying. Herpaderp. that is all.
    Sometimesilence Sometimesilence 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    TLC is still a learning channel.

    It teaches you that, no matter how low you sink, you will never go that low.
    ScytheBunny ScytheBunny 18-21, F 5 days ago

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    *pretends to read birthday card

    after money's fallen out*
    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Damn.....was up early hoping to catch the fog

    the other day and I mist it !
    sex69marriage sex69marriage 51-55, M 13 mins ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Some people say that blood is thicker

    than water... Guess they don't have access to corn starch or Coumadin.
    Delphineidunna Delphineidunna 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    A parrot swallows one

    if his owners Viagra. The owner is disgusted and puts him in the freezer to cool off. Half hr later he goes to check on his parrot. He opens the door and sees the parrot sweating. "Why are you sweating he asks" The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the...
    00dave 00dave 36-40, M 5 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    maroonmonsterchip maroonmonsterchip 13-15, F 2 days ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    "Women like to make it last.

    ..Men are done in seconds" ...................Cochino (nasty) get ur mind out of the gutter! Its a Reeses commercial!.........................lol!
    PhoenixRising83 PhoenixRising83 31-35, F 6 Responses May 23

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    deleted deleted 26-30 May 24

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I found it hilarious

    that two guys who came into prison were called R. leggit and P. Crook.
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M a week ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 17 Responses Mar 12

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Ambitionwithaclearvision Ambitionwithaclearvision 16-17, M 2 Responses May 22

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    Your eyes water when you yawn

    because you miss your bed and it makes you sad
    AnushkaDeb25 AnushkaDeb25 16-17, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    I love to laugh, if you ever get the chance to

    actually meet me, you'll know that I love to laugh! I've heard people who laugh and smile alot will live longer. I'm lucky. Most of the time I run into people who confess they sit and crack jokes in front of me just to hear me laugh, which is flattering. But, I tend to laugh in...
    KolorMePink KolorMePink 18-21, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Like... I start laughing at thing

    that aren't funny to other people and it's so embarrassing and I just stop laughing and than I start laughing again and everyone is looking at me like I'm a weirdo and it's just so awkward... I laugh when something falls and breaks. When other people laugh I laugh for some...
    itsLucy itsLucy 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    vonnie123 vonnie123 16-17, F 10 Responses 5 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 9 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses