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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 139,115 People

    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20

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    I posted on Facebook

    that my cat died. I was at the garage and a work friend told me that he was sorry to hear about my kitty cat. Another coworker overheard and ask what I did with the body. I said, "Why?....do you want it?" He was speechless for a moment. Turns out that he just wanted to know...
    saintmeaty saintmeaty 36-40, F 2 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 29 Responses Dec 8

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    I bought a dog once. Names him 'Stay' "come

    here, Stay." He's insane now.
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    This is ironic. nietzsche: 'God is dead.

    ' god: 'nietzsche is dead.' Well, don't care what is right on that one. but one thing's for sure.. philosophy is now dead! :Dhahaha so suck on that nietzsche! :Dhahaha
    OrganicLunarEclipse OrganicLunarEclipse 22-25, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    "You can catch flies with honey,

    but you can catch more honeys being fly" Lol there is some truth in this xD (not my quote)
    FierrrrceNadia FierrrrceNadia 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    When I hang around my two friends offline(whom

    are currently my only two friends) the guy gets more of my humor than her. They're dating and I truly enjoy the company. They're both avid MLP fans and I am totally out of the loop of MLP(not particularly amused by it, the show is alright). My sense of humor is terribly...
    Sacryfice Sacryfice 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    My answering machine: "Hi,

    I am sorry I've missed your call and I will call you back at my earliest convenience. Please leave you message after the swear word" *Beeeep*
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    It’s not just the “little,

    ” it’s the “have yourself.” Does anyone else find the title of the Yuletide classic “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” oddly condescending?
    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 3 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Juggalooking Juggalooking 70+, M 2 days ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses Nov 22

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    I just found the most amazing thing

    ever http://m.imgur.com/nuR4V
    guitarspro guitarspro 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Friend: dude I'm totally over her now Me: sweet

    lets go eat food! Friend: *cries* she used to eat food! Me: -.-
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    barzins barzins 46-50, M 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    AARP: American Association Of Retired Persons.

    An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over fifty to remind them that they will soon be dead.
    MeowOnMe MeowOnMe 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 13 Responses Nov 5

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    I laugh of everything,

    so when I'm the only one who's laugh of a bad jokes, it's just really awkward><. But when is a joke on tv I never laugh (only in side) don't know why
    NinaOMB NinaOMB 13-15, F 22 hrs ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses 5 days ago

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 164 Responses Nov 25

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    mrloweco mrloweco 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 1

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    Language of teenage girl translated.

    And absolute truth. xD Fine - Pissed of completely. Five minutes - Half an hour. Nothing - Definitely something. I'm just tired - I'm upset. Hug me. Go ahead - Don't even think about it! Thanks - This is a legit apology. Thanks a lot - This is NOT a legit apology. It is...
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 7

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    Two deer walk into a gay bar,

    when they come out the first deer goes to the other deer "I think I just blew 50 bucks in there" xD
    colourfulskeleton colourfulskeleton 13-15, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Dec 2

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    Once someone knows me really well,

    it becomes easier for them to understand me... especially when I joke or when I don't even try lol, but most people find me humorous after getting to know me much better (: I open up overtime (: I have wicked thoughts that I don't act upon XD But just the other day, I thought...
    MsShortiie MsShortiie 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A 42-year-Russian fisherman was attacked by a

    bear and he was so close to be bitten to death when suddenly he was saved by the ringtone his daughter installed on his mobile phone and justin biber's "baby sent the bear running back to the woods :D
    T0bone T0bone 22-25, M 19 hrs ago

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 9 Responses Sep 26

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 12 Responses Oct 23

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    lloydieboi14 lloydieboi14 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 20 Responses Nov 28

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    i laugh at things all the time

    that nobody else finds funny.
    fairybby fairybby 13-15, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    News headlines: Daniel Radcliffe has been

    kidnapped. *whole family looks at me* Me: What? I'll feed him.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 6 Responses Oct 12

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    I've realized that I'm incapable of hearing

    "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" without chuckling at the mental picture of Will Ferrell vomiting on a revolving platform: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONFsGDUbaXA
    lcz415 lcz415 26-30 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Geez, you offer a sincere complement on

    someone's mustache. And suddenly, she's not your friend anymore!
    suicideDepression suicideDepression 13-15, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I am at work right now I work in a forge shop

    we make forgings for air planes every piece id's crooked we tell the engineer he says it's ok because you know it's only going on a 200 passenger airbus and its part of the landing gear you know the part the wheels go on
    itsjustme3684 itsjustme3684 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago