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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,538 People

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    You know you need a shower

    when you get undressed and can smell your own balls.
    mslvr01 mslvr01 46-50, M 1 Response a week ago

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    I thought about buying a book on curbing

    procrastination but i figured I'd do it another day.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Me: I just wanted to know,

    did it hurt? Teacher: Did what hurt? Me: Getting that stick up your ***. Teacher: *writes office referral* Me: It was worth it.
    deethepoet deethepoet 16-17, F 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    Did you know that 2-3 glasses of wine per day

    reduces your chance of giving a crap.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Me and my best friend,

    Knee, are dumb.
    dakotadm dakotadm 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    I have a weird, twisted,

    and/or good sense of humor. If you watched happy tree friends on Netflix you'd know why.
    LFMB LFMB 13-15, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Next time I ride on roller coaster,

    I'm gonna bring some spare bolts with me. The moment it reaches the highest point, I'm gonna tap the person in front of me and say, "These fell out of your seat."
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 19 hrs ago

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    tallis0in0chains tallis0in0chains 31-35, F 1 day ago

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    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I think Crocs are the best contraceptive

    invented. Who would get turned on seeing someone on those ?
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 17 Responses Jul 15

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    No Jarpad, you're not allowed to have peanut

    butter and jelly sandwiches! he thinks he's a person!
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Super bored anyone up

    for a convo?
    Onewingedangel145 Onewingedangel145 13-15, M 10 hrs ago

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    hahaha hey here's a joke What do you a nun in

    a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M a week ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    purpledogyawn purpledogyawn 22-25, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    It'd be really funny to project a movie into

    someone else's house then watch it from outside the window.
    WonderingWillow11 WonderingWillow11 26-30, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    When someone says they don't know

    why they like something and then proceed to tell you exactly why they like it. Lol... But you just said you didn't know why!!
    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    So today at the gym my maintenance guy found a

    hole in the wall of the female locker room. I've no idea who drilled it but I'm looking into it. Ba Da Dump.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 3 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    My teenage cousin told me she thought a crotch

    rocket was some kind of sex toy! I'm dying...
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    I like that boulder,

    that is a nice boulder....
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    I meditate. I burn scented candles,

    and I STILL want to smack some people. I need a stiff drink, and a friend. Or, maybe just a stiff friend
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 25 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    xkmb xkmb 51-55 1 Response 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    What happened when the cow jumped over the

    barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction hahahahaha
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M a week ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    I have a heart of a lion

    and a lifetime ban from the zoo
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M a week ago

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    Well, when I see anything struggling to

    accomplish something I find it immensely hilarious. Perhaps it's the sadistic side in me...
    Moepoki Moepoki 18-21, M 1 day ago

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