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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 148,116 People

    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 8 Responses Jan 20

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    Sometimes when annoying people at work are

    talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face... And laugh inside.
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    sincerelysl sincerelysl 13-15, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    I'm too old to drop it like its hot.

    .. I'm just gonna sit down like its warm...
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 19 Responses Mar 12

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches

    makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out"
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 46 Responses Feb 27

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    2 chemists walked into a bar.

    The first said "I think that I will just have some H2O please", and the second said "Hmmm... Yes, I think that I will have H2O too". The second chemist died. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide I typed this whilst listening to the periodic table song by ASAPscience I...
    laurabaillie16 laurabaillie16 13-15, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    There's nothing sweeter

    than hearing a man say those three little words... "You were right."
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 4 Responses 6 days ago

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    I would hate to think what kind of girls he's

    been with now that he's figured out that girls do wipe.... How can an 18 year old be this daft?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Two hydrogen molecules were walking down the

    street when one stops and says " OMG, I've lost an electron!!" The other asks "Are you sure?" The first replies with "I'M POSITIVE !!!!!!"
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 6 Responses 4 days ago

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    Rihanna suddenly paused,

    mid-photo shoot, and demanded silence from everyone in the studio. Once it was perfectly still, she proceeded to cut the longest, sweetest sounding fart anyone had ever heard. She then spent the next 10 minutes high-fiving everyone in the room. (see photo)
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Breakfast of Champs for those of us with

    bipolar!!!  lol (see photo) 
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I'm off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard

    of Oz because because because because of the wonderful things he does. I have no idea where that came from. But it's been stuck in my head all day. LOL
    lovlife777 lovlife777 46-50, M 5 days ago

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    AltF4 AltF4 22-25, M 5 days ago

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    what's comedy?babies in a dumpster,

    what's dark comedy?1 baby in few dumpsters
    forkinyoureye forkinyoureye 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    I stopped believing today.

    ... Journey is going to be so pissed when they find out!
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    It's all ***** and giggles.

    .,. Until some giggles and *****.
    CrimsonShadow CrimsonShadow 13-15, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I like to chill with an unpeeled carrot n munch

    it like you would chill with a chocolate bar n munch that. Anyone else got a weird habbit
    iGoIncognito iGoIncognito 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    Dr: "I have some bad news.

    You have cancer. But I'm afraid that's not all...you also have Alzheimer's Disease. Patient: "Oh thank God, I thought I had cancer."
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 9 Responses 3 days ago

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    I think pretty much everything is funny.

    Even things that shouldn't really be funny. I will think of things that were funny 10 years ago and laugh at them as if they just happened. What can I say, I love to laugh...and life is too short to be so serious!
    WalkAwayFromTheSun WalkAwayFromTheSun 26-30, F 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I have a few rules to drinking.

    Always drink when im depressed, angry and happy!
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I asked my Dad if we could get some food

    as I hated my mums fish pie.....he thought it was hilarious, and it took me way too long to understand what was so funny about it
    conorrwebb conorrwebb 18-21, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    This is what I understood about grilling some

    shrimp on the Barbie before I went to Australia. ( see picture)
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    What word starts with F

    and ends with 'u.c.k'....? A firetruck of course XD
    southernobsession southernobsession 18-21, M 20 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    I like raunchy humor,

    there's nothing like a good sex joke to get the party started.
    dirtydarkness dirtydarkness 26-30, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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