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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 150,947 People

    My son believes wearing red socks make him to

    run faster. I am taking him very seriously. And also now it all give sense!
    Ninive Ninive 26-30, F 38 mins ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Every time I take a bite of Cheerios,

    I look to make sure there's no microscopic people floating in the cheerio :)
    juskeepswimming juskeepswimming 31-35, F 5 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    ZombieMcChrist ZombieMcChrist 26-30, F 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Heres someting to think about

    while on hold . . . . .Dont you wish you liked anything as much as young, white girls like sending drunk snapchats.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Even though sometimes it annoys me

    that my brothers don't get my jokes despite they make the same kind of jokes and I "get" them.
    andrewvickers andrewvickers 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 27 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    For everytime I think I've f*cked up real badly!

    I think at least I've never been on Jerry Springer!
    KellyKameleon KellyKameleon 26-30, F 3 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    Good . . .the hospitol has FREE wifi.

    . . I just got off the phone with my lawyer. . . .he's not sure how big a settlement we may get, . . . .but he knows the people that make The Dyson Ball Cleaner will be changing that name . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Don't ya hate it when the grammar nazis single

    you out. . . .it's like they are on some kind of which hunt.. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    My dog just winked at me.

    I'm pretty sure something's about to go down...
    juskeepswimming juskeepswimming 31-35, F 2 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    If "The Breakfast Club" were made today,

    . . . . .it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    My neighbor's a moron.

    . . .the only way he knows how to run is Amok . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Theres a lady on trial in Texas

    for murdering her husband with his own collection of guitars. . . .The judge looked at her lawyer and asked "First Offender ?" The lawyer said "Well , No your Honor First was the Les Paul , 2nd was a Fender ". . . .you cant make this stuff up man . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I hate snakes . . . .

    . because they have no feet. . . . . . You could say I'm lacktoes intolerant.. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 days ago

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    ƃuıɥʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ sǝop ʇxǝʇ ǝɥʇ

    uʍop ǝpısdn uı ʇı ƃnld noʎ ɟı ' pɹɐoqʎǝʞ qsn ʍǝu sıɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ ı
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    'll never forget the day my parents told me I

    was adopted . . . I was 17 and they said , "Ken , you were adopted !" , I said "Really ? " They said , , ,"Yes, and They'll be here in 5 minutes . . . ."
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 days ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 18 Responses Mar 12

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    How do you like that .

    . . .Some ugly person just called me shallow. . . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Conversation via text I just has with my ex.

    .. Ex: (insert my name)? No answer... Ex: answer me it's important Me: yes? Ex: Someone died on Richmond road. Was making sure it wasn't you. Clearly not. Me: Tell you what, if I die I will make sure you are the first person I haunt :p I was probably at work when that...
    SuumCuique SuumCuique 31-35, F 6 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    The Sandwich That Stopped the Call Centre

    After many hours of thoughtful planning, a quick run to the shops, and preparation the day has arrived. Not one sandwich could ever have been the talk of the call centre as much as this one. Albeit, I was doing most of the talking, if not all. However the excitement was...
    SuumCuique SuumCuique 31-35, F 1 Response 13 mins ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 8 Responses Mar 3

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    I was telling my wife I wanted a tattoo.

    . . . .she said " Well as long as you put it somewhere I never have to see it That will be OK. . . ." We been married for 37 years so Im pretty sure she wont ever see it here !
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    My wife says I should have told this lady about

    her sweatshirt . . .I said "No way. . . Mickey knows where his head is at , she's the one that doesnt have clue!"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Don't bother me right

    now . . . . .I'm working on my new invention. . . . a perfume I'm calling "Forever Alone". . . . . .It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    When my first girlfriend said she was ready to

    walk down the aisle. . . . . . . I Sent her grocery shopping. . . .while I moved
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I see the FAA has now banned tweezers on

    flights . Ya know . . . Personally I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers. . . . . deserves the plane. . . .
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Boy oh boy. . . .somebody authorized this job

    at city hall . . .and every body is pointing fingers at every one else . . .its being dubbed "Gategate"
    woodyinya woodyinya 56-60, M 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 16 Responses