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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 147,773 People

    Two hydrogen molecules were walking down the

    street when one stops and says " OMG, I've lost an electron!!" The other asks "Are you sure?" The first replies with "I'M POSITIVE !!!!!!"
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Sometimes when annoying people at work are

    talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face... And laugh inside.
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    We had hotdogs for lunch today

    and when my mom came into the kitchen I looked at her and told her "I finally have a wiener!", then I threw the hotdog at her.
    TickleMeCell TickleMeCell 16-17, T 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 9 Responses Mar 14

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    Sometime I should listen &.

    Think before I open my mouth
    chef59 chef59 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    I have no idea why I find this scene in Shrek

    so god damn funny.. http://youtu.be/4NELXnZlaVw I like that boulder.. That is a NICE boulder
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    AltF4 AltF4 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    The life cycle is backwards!

    !! How great this would be if it happened like this...  
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 5 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    how to make me happy: • make me food •

    buy me food • be food • food
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 28 Responses Mar 14

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    Today I was over a relative's place.

    (They're judgemental and religious btw) We were watching HGTV and two guys are looking for a house together. They were brothers, but it wasn't clear at the time. So the relative makes a grossed out face and says, "I don't want to see some gay men!" and changes the channel. Then...
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 5 days ago

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    I'm have this weird sense of humor

    that one of my best friend (JG) understand and the another best friend (MC) don't... so, MC think is not funny be a son of Allah (it is a joke from JG and me), i mean, i think is hilarious that joke, but just with JG. I mean, MC do not like that joke because she think we...
    HEZED HEZED 18-21, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    I think I seen it all,

    until I watched this video of sock puppets covering Slayers "raining blood" https://youtu.be/JL6DDidh_SU
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    sincerelysl sincerelysl 13-15, F 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    Here is my 8th speech from the Competent

    Communication manual about Hell. Enjoy muhahahaha!
    JourneyOfLife JourneyOfLife 22-25, M 5 days ago

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    "When life gives you lemons,

    make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it."
    Scoodaloop Scoodaloop 18-21, F 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim

    chim, like a twit i be singing this song. Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim shru, like an old foo am outta... tune! :-(
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 14 hrs ago

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    There's nothing sweeter

    than hearing a man say those three little words... "You were right."
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 46 Responses Feb 27

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    me and my to bff's were

    so weird back then. One of them wanted to watch a show called "rottenheart" and i Tought She said heart valve (it sounds much funnier in norwegian) and me and the other friend ended up laughing on the floor with breathing problems, and things Get better! That friend starts to...
    s0ngb1rd s0ngb1rd 13-15, F 6 days ago

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    I'm off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard

    of Oz because because because because of the wonderful things he does. I have no idea where that came from. But it's been stuck in my head all day. LOL
    lovlife777 lovlife777 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    My name is crystal meth Option.

    chose to not take responsibility for what needs to be done. Or do. I'm addictive and it's not difficult to see its hard habit to beat. It's value to some is greater then others. Let's not assume we would rather get high then choose what makes us happy. The sorrow comes from...
    Janisoneluv Janisoneluv 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    "I dream of a better tomorrow.

    .. where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned" ...I laughed longer then I should have when I read this...
    Scoodaloop Scoodaloop 18-21, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    I like raunchy humor,

    there's nothing like a good sex joke to get the party started.
    dirtydarkness dirtydarkness 26-30, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 19 Responses Mar 12

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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