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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 152,632 People

    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 41 Responses Feb 27

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    My hair is currently on fire.

    I just spilled gasoline on my head and feeling distressed I lit up a cigar. Not one of those smoke it and regret it, but a really good one, cuban, with a nice wrapping that was not easy to get offl by the way. But to get to the point: I wanted to know if anyone here has any...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    Last night I met an angel in distress,

    and now I am going to heaven for helping! He was in a keg of beer and begged me to drink him out of there, and I am pretty sure I succeeded!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    What if a rasta farai became the next

    president: would Hilary Clinton grow dreadlocks?
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 9 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Smart Guy + Smart Gal = Love Smart Guy + Dumb

    Gal = Pregnancy Dumb Guy + Smart Gal = Marriage Dumb Guy + Dumb Gal = The Jeremy Kyle Show
    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    crypticcrime crypticcrime 18-21, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M 4 days ago

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    I am thinking, how great it would be

    if men had an off / on switch button like my lamp shade.
    holgado holgado 31-35, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    It is all clear to me now.

    By giving Adam his tools, and Eve some stunner female features, God has shown us that he is either the ultimate voyeur or loves frustrated people!
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 days ago

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    jim054 jim054 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Me: nice race Guy: fastest man alive buddy Me:

    no wonder you can't get a date
    Xamad Xamad 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 18 Responses Mar 9

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Last week I was first to bet on a horse

    that came in last. So this week I'll be last to bet on the horse that will come in first!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    I recently decided I want a sex change

    but unfortunately my wife says missionary is as far as she'll go!
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 days ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Last night I met ET waring a bra.

    He said E-teet phone home!
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 5 days ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 11 Responses Mar 9

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    AmbitionWithaClearVision AmbitionWithaClearVision 16-17, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    When the government started their war on drugs,

    they sure never expected the stoner to come up with a dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 days ago

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    What's the difference between a baby

    and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
    IntoxicatedLies IntoxicatedLies 16-17, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I was in a Northern Korean restaurant last week.

    They sure gave me a strange look when I asked for a doggie bag: "mens best fliend is not cannibal deal sil!"
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 days ago

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    "Women like to make it last.

    ..Men are done in seconds" ...................Cochino (nasty) get ur mind out of the gutter! Its a Reeses commercial!.........................lol!
    PhoenixRising83 PhoenixRising83 31-35, F 4 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Last week I was in a native Indian reserve.

    Said some pretty insensitive things, and ended up burried so deep in the ground the local ranger had to use a truffle pig to locate my balls!
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 days ago

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 17 Responses Mar 12

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    When the government started the war on drugs,

    they never expected the stoner to come up with the dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 days ago