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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 153,037 People

    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 28

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    Me: nice race Guy: fastest man alive buddy Me:

    no wonder you can't get a date
    Xamad Xamad 22-25, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    I'm a very nerdy person.

    Sometimes I imitate German accents. It's bad. 😳
    deliriouslydreaming deliriouslydreaming 16-17, F 6 Responses May 20

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    Ambitionwithaclearvision Ambitionwithaclearvision 16-17, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    *Talking to a friend* "Does it make you upset

    that your boyfriend has more dates with his hand than you?"
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response May 19

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    It is all clear to me now.

    By giving Adam his tools, and Eve some stunner female features, God has shown us that he is either the ultimate voyeur or loves frustrated people!
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 9 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    TLC is still a learning channel.

    It teaches you that, no matter how low you sink, you will never go that low.
    ScytheBunny ScytheBunny 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 39 Responses Feb 27

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    It's not over until the fat lady sings,

    but if you want it to end early, I can put on a dress and yodel for you.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A parrot swallows one

    if his owners Viagra. The owner is disgusted and puts him in the freezer to cool off. Half hr later he goes to check on his parrot. He opens the door and sees the parrot sweating. "Why are you sweating he asks" The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the...
    00dave 00dave 36-40, M 1 day ago

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    When I went to the diner

    for a delivery job, the guy asked me if I had a car. I said, "Yeah, my car's right outside." The guy then asked me if I'm reliable. I paused for a second, and then I said, "My car's right outside."
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    I love to laugh, if you ever get the chance to

    actually meet me, you'll know that I love to laugh! I've heard people who laugh and smile alot will live longer. I'm lucky. Most of the time I run into people who confess they sit and crack jokes in front of me just to hear me laugh, which is flattering. But, I tend to laugh in...
    KolorMePink KolorMePink 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    When ever I have a bad day at work,

    dealing with difficult people, I can't wait to get home and start cooking. And use my knives and instantly I feel better. There is something therapeutic about about my knife block that gives me such joy the moment I take out that knife and makes me smile when I insert it back in...
    holgado holgado 31-35, F 6 Responses a week ago

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    I am thinking, how great it would be

    if men had an off / on switch button like my lamp shade.
    holgado holgado 31-35, F 5 Responses a week ago

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 11 Responses Mar 9

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I found it hilarious

    that two guys who came into prison were called R. leggit and P. Crook.
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M 3 days ago

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    When the government started the war on drugs,

    they never expected the stoner to come up with the dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 days ago

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    When the government started the war on drugs,

    they never expected the stoner to come up with the dur on wrags!
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 days ago

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    What's the difference between a baby

    and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
    IntoxicatedLies IntoxicatedLies 16-17, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    I hate gambling. I bet ya you hate gambling too!

    Come on, I'll give you three to one odds!
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response May 20

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    i can find humor in the most serious of

    situations, as well be the only person laughing when it's complete silence.
    Vladek Vladek 18-21, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    I was in a Northern Korean restaurant last week.

    They sure gave me a strange look when I asked for a doggie bag: "mens best fliend is not cannibal deal sil!"
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 days ago

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    jim054 jim054 51-55, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    vonnie123 vonnie123 16-17, F 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    What if a rasta farai became the next

    president: would Hilary Clinton grow dreadlocks?
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    A tom cat hijacked a plane,

    stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 1 Response 1 day ago

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    crypticcrime crypticcrime 18-21, F 1 Response May 19

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    Smart Guy + Smart Gal = Love Smart Guy + Dumb

    Gal = Pregnancy Dumb Guy + Smart Gal = Marriage Dumb Guy + Dumb Gal = The Jeremy Kyle Show
    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M 2 Responses May 19

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 17 Responses Mar 12

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    I only have sex on days starting with the

    letter T Tuesday Thursday Today Tomorrow Thursday Thaturday Thunday
    00dave 00dave 36-40, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26