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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,517 People

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    No Jarpad, you're not allowed to have peanut

    butter and jelly sandwiches! he thinks he's a person!
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    xkmb xkmb 51-55 1 Response 2 days ago

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    hahaha hey here's a joke What do you a nun in

    a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    My friend was talking about politics

    and said he likes Bush. I said "If you like bush so much, why does you're girlfriend shave?" He then asked me how I knew his girlfriend shaves, and then there was an awkward silence.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response a week ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    I thought about buying a book on curbing

    procrastination but i figured I'd do it another day.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 5 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 36 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    You know you need a shower

    when you get undressed and can smell your own balls.
    mslvr01 mslvr01 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    scott9677 scott9677 41-45, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    I meditate. I burn scented candles,

    and I STILL want to smack some people. I need a stiff drink, and a friend. Or, maybe just a stiff friend
    PJBelle PJBelle 46-50, F 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    If I had a healthy sense of self skepticism,

    I'd either be a rocket scientist... or a mediocre middle class worker... well... sh!t
    tallis0in0chains tallis0in0chains 31-35, F 21 hrs ago

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    Next time I ride on roller coaster,

    I'm gonna bring some spare bolts with me. The moment it reaches the highest point, I'm gonna tap the person in front of me and say, "These fell out of your seat."
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 7 hrs ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    Me and my best friend,

    Knee, are dumb.
    dakotadm dakotadm 18-21, F 22 hrs ago

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Well, when I see anything struggling to

    accomplish something I find it immensely hilarious. Perhaps it's the sadistic side in me...
    Moepoki Moepoki 18-21, M 22 hrs ago

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    What happened when the cow jumped over the

    barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction hahahahaha
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    Whenever I'm upset and someone tells me to

    breath to calm down, I tell them that breathing gives me gas. Even when I'm upset I can make jokes.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    MeGaMatt88 MeGaMatt88 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I think Crocs are the best contraceptive

    invented. Who would get turned on seeing someone on those ?
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 17 Responses Jul 15

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 17 Responses Jan 1

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 18-21, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 33 Responses Feb 27

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    I have a heart of a lion

    and a lifetime ban from the zoo
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    I have a weird, twisted,

    and/or good sense of humor. If you watched happy tree friends on Netflix you'd know why.
    LFMB LFMB 13-15, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I like that boulder,

    that is a nice boulder....
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    So today at the gym my maintenance guy found a

    hole in the wall of the female locker room. I've no idea who drilled it but I'm looking into it. Ba Da Dump.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 3 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Jan 20

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 22 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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