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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 161,137 People

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 34 Responses Feb 27

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    Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip

    cookies are the reason I have trust issues..
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    hahaha hey here's a joke What do you a nun in

    a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
    crangtang crangtang 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    My teenage cousin told me she thought a crotch

    rocket was some kind of sex toy! I'm dying...
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Jan 20

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 17 Responses Jan 1

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    Ahhh! I saw a huge wolf spider in my room last

    night. I jumped up to kill it and the only thing that I could find was some glitter body spray, so I sprayed it!!!! now the little fool won't stop twerking and is demanding that I call it Candy!?!?!?
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    If your last name was Nutz

    and you had a son would you name him Harry?
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    just realized the sound of nature is the sound

    of millions of insects, birds and animals desperately trying to get laid
    kunfirekun kunfirekun 22-25, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 7 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    So I was eating my cereal

    and being chill and me mums boyfriend walks in the kitchen and he yelled at me for eating too loudly and I gave him a dirty look, so he decides to take the ******* bowl cereal and all and smash it into my face whilst screaming at me. Butttt later that day I had to clean mr cats...
    cicizzle cicizzle 16-17, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    ive made some Indian bread,

    naan for me thanks
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    Sometimes I laugh at things I shouldn't really

    laugh at...like when someone wipes out or has a nasty spill!!!I could go even deeper with this topic but I won't!;)
    Spitbak Spitbak 41-45, M 4 days ago

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    You know you need a shower

    when you get undressed and can smell your own balls.
    mslvr01 mslvr01 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Beauty is different at 10 pm

    than at 2 am when the bar is closing.
    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Hello! I am doing a 10k run on October 4th 2015,

    for british heart foundation. I am doing this because i am a survivor of a heart disease, and would like to raise awareness and also support the people that helped me survive. My goal is £500 (UK), and i was wondering if your from the UK, if you would be kind enough to donate...
    amylouexoh amylouexoh 16-17, F 4 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    scott9677 scott9677 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My sleep schedule gets ****** more

    than I ever will .-.
    aprisonerofazkaban aprisonerofazkaban 22-25, F 11 Responses 2 days ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I think the term "bigot" is overrated,

    I think it should be replaced with the word "atheist"
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 5 days ago

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    comlpicatedguy comlpicatedguy 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    They say a watched pot never boils,

    which is especially true when you forget to turn the burner on.
    Spyro93 Spyro93 18-21, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 8 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    But if I see that Go Daddy commercial with the

    chubby red hair lady doing that stupid dance again I'm gonna shove a fork in my eye.
    BJGiff BJGiff 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    RogueLogic RogueLogic 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    Whenever I'm camping with friends

    and I've to go to bathroom in the middle of the night, I wake up all of them and say this : "Look, you've two options; One, you can come and die with me on the way to the bathroom. Two, you can die trying to look for me. Either way, we are all going to die."
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    thekingwizard thekingwizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 16 Responses Mar 9

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    in honor of breast cancer awareness month

    coming in October I will be offering free professional breast exams. sign up sheet will be on my profile page. and of course if you like to avoid crowds free exams can be arranged for anytime. for all who are affected by this, I am apologizing up front (tee hee) now. this is a...
    Serendipitydoda Serendipitydoda 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    usedandabused73 usedandabused73 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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