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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 156,080 People

    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Best ******* game ever,

    wearing a gorilla suit in my front garden and jumping out at foreign exchange students
    uberfuzz uberfuzz 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I was recently asked,

    "Where were you born? " My response "At the hospital. " Perplexed look. Me, "I wanted to be close to my mother!" Another perplexed look. I left it at that..
    Lovesrainbows Lovesrainbows 41-45, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Gently placing your finger on someone's lips

    and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic...but cops don't seem to think so
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 16-17, M 8 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 3

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Mr. Burns: Quick Smithers.

    Bring the mind eraser device! Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir? Mr. Burns: Precisely.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    bad/dark/offensive jokes are my weakness

    but I love them like a fat kid loves pie!
    muradgh muradgh 18-21, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Saw a post. On how many lightbulbs change us.

    My lethal brat woke. Me raced to make the brat sleep. And kathleen madigan helped. She has a skit about alcohol. And sedating lethal brat matches. Like this. Ssshhh. No. No. Sleep sleep. Nobody needs attacked by lightbulb. No. Sleep. You can criticize...
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 3 days ago

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    Louuann Louuann 13-15, F 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 20 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I have a great sense of humor.

    but I'm not loud and obnoxious the way you expect a "funny person" to be so a lot of the time it's lost on people. I've been called "rude" a lot also. but trust me, I'm joking.
    ZenaMarie ZenaMarie 22-25, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 15 Responses Feb 26

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    deleted deleted 26-30 17 Responses Mar 12

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    It's like candy to a baby.

    ....come and get it lil darling. Yes you! Come on and don't be shy. You are progressing just as planned. That's it.....that's my sweet girl. Bring it to daddy. Mmmm...;^)
    PassionSeeker38 PassionSeeker38 36-40, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Like being a ghost standing over my body

    and laughing at my corpse.
    InkyDeux InkyDeux 66-70, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 26 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    ManOnTheCape ManOnTheCape 31-35 1 Response 5 days ago

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    I don't think I could ever work at a bubble

    wrap factory, just imagine the self discipline that's required!
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 10 Responses Jan 28

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    So....I was talking to this guy I've never

    spoken to before and he's like, "I need a real friend, they're so hard to come by in real life, I just need a different perspective on things, blah blah blah." I was like yeah, "I've been known to be a good friend," while rolling my eyes and laughing to myself wondering how long...
    09TiskTisk 09TiskTisk 31-35, F 9 Responses a week ago

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    A friend like you is worth a million dollars

    :) So, if you don`t mind... CAN I SELL YOU? :P lol
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Take this for not liking my

    faces :-P :-) :-/ :-D :-( ;-) Some ppl can't help but be ignorant.
    EyeDontGiveAHoot EyeDontGiveAHoot 36-40, F 2 Responses a week ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 11 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Ralph: That's my sandbox.

    I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Mr. Burns: You're fired!

    Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you! Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    What would u do someone licked you?

    I would lick them back 😊
    mayuamakura mayuamakura 13-15, F 7 Responses 5 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 22-25, F 11 Responses Jan 25

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    I crack myself up to near crying almost every

    day. If I'm driving down the road I'll sing songs in a ****** up voice and change the lyrics around to amuse myself. Sometimes I give myself the finger in the mirror all non blinking and game faced and laugh and laugh. So stupid.
    BrokenViking BrokenViking 26-30, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Jan 8

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    Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell

    you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't...
    PoutingEnigma PoutingEnigma 26-30, F 14 Responses Mar 13

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    PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, PUT EM IN THE OVEN AND

    WATCH HIM GROW. PIZZA DOG PIZZA DOG, BOW BOW SHUT YO MOUTH.
    itsybitsyfrosty itsybitsyfrosty 16-17, M 2 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    CestLaVegan CestLaVegan 22-25, F 38 Responses Feb 27

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    This has nothing to do with my taste in music,

    just stumbled upon it, but listen to this ****: "From the instant "Yonkers" begins, that creepy, paranoid chord makes us glance over our shoulders, anticipating a raised knife ready to be plunged into our backs. Tyler intensifies the reaction by introducing a shaky synth that...
    CaptainHoof CaptainHoof 18-21, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 18 Responses Jan 1

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    in the street, everytime i see someone i

    imagine him/her bald and i start laughing all alone like an idiot hahah.
    buddiesj buddiesj 13-15, F 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Beware my farts. The army rejected me But

    only because my arse was a brat And wouldnt fart on command.
    Converted Converted 46-50, M 1 Response