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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 149,444 People

    my granddaughter 11 months hit the keyboard

    and turn the speak to text and this what she had babble apparently: caressing me up early girl thats what you just typed your daughter just woke me up
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 1 day ago

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    Pick a number between 1

    and 3, not including 1 or 3, and it has to be a whole number.
    AndrtheEnderhatter AndrtheEnderhatter 13-15, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    So my daughter said Judy peanuts

    and I thought she said Judy penis and my husband spoke up and said no that's in her purse I was laughing so hard
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Yes I'm a ganjaplanter,

    oh, I'm a ganja farmer. Deep down under the earth were I put me ganja. Babylon come and light it up on fire me a chant
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 15 hrs ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    Me understand not do people most.

    Backward sentences my of most say I because be may it.
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    today I was standing in the line at the grocery

    store. .and the lady in front of me farted super loud and I just bust out laughing and me being random I said that her fart had a weird smell..like it was just stewing in her *** for a few weeks..and everyone was just staring at me laughing at my own joke..lol
    marquisb marquisb 31-35, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    So I saw the movie Steel Magnolias last night,

    and this part had me laughing so much I had to pause the movie: C= Clariee T= Truvy O= Ouiser Scene: church T: so, Ouiser, are you together with Owen? O: no C: well, every weekend there's a strange car parked in her garage. O: well I guess my secret is out. I am having an...
    Countrybae Countrybae 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 8 Responses Mar 14

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Last night I ate a 45 megaton nuke.

    This morning I flambe-ed our showercurtain after farting
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 16 hrs ago

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 61 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 5 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    I'm playing this game with myself

    where I guess the age of the someone who wrote a post before I see it. So far I've been right every time :D Example: just saw very edgy, attempt at being philosophical post. Guessed age somewhere between 15-17. Age was 16-17. WOO
    PinkMellow PinkMellow 18-21, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    Last night it was really dark

    and I saw a small burning dot above my bicycle. So I said "Yo Nigg@r quit smoking on my cycle!". Then the red light disappeared and so did my bicycle.
    hindustaniberawem hindustaniberawem 16-17, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Turds are brown, snot is green,

    you look like **** and I am very mean
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    Sometimes I laugh At the weirdest things.

    And something can be extremely funny to me and others would look at me like I'm crazy. I think people with different sense of humor are unique!
    cmt334 cmt334 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Jan 20

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    I gave a girl my number

    and told her to call me when she gets home.. ... ... ... ... She must be homeless.
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 12 Responses Mar 9

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    Don't you think it would be a good idea

    if on a plane they actually made the seats so a normal person could assume the emergency position of putting your head between your legs and kissing your *** goodbye?
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    I'm prenant, been trying

    for a long time, the daddy is so proud. it has been vibrating me for years.
    tiffsica tiffsica 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A man in a bar put down a life crocodile on the

    tap, flipped his **** into its mouth and hit it hard on the head. He yelled: who dares to do THIS now huh? An old lady in the back replied: well I would, as long as you don't hit me in the head like that!
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 15 hrs ago

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26

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    A middle aged couple were having a conversation

    when the husband asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery? she said take my half and divorce you, so the husband said here's your $12.50.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    Your call is very important to us.

    Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 19 Responses Mar 9

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    Since I found out I was able to suck myself my

    head is most of the day giving head to me. I have become so good at sucking I can now unclock your blocked toilet from a three meter distance without even taking my **** out of my mouth
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 17 hrs ago

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    When you are a lazy bastard like me,

    I have some words of advice for you. When getting up for the toilet is to much distress, you can pee in an empty beer bottle, but there is one very important rule here: have several bottles ready or be preparered to sit on a wet couch, because you WILL NOT make it to the toilet...
    NHKK NHKK 41-45, M 16 hrs ago

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    Oh what the hell! It's a beautiful,

    ****-luscious hump day! Here's a topless photo for ya'll to enjoy!
    MommysGotTats420 MommysGotTats420 22-25, F 11 Responses 4 days ago

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    Am outside. Next to truck.

    Charging phone. Horsefly lands on me. Me says. Hey. You aint got no saddle. And me cant ride you. To a safer place. So. Shoo fly. Dont tease me no more.
    convertihd convertihd 46-50, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Ninive Ninive 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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