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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 137,228 People

    Things we hated as children: •being

    spanked •naps Things we love as adults: •being spanked •naps
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 8 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    What if you started making car alarm noises

    when people you didn’t like touched you.
    OrangeCaramel OrangeCaramel 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 7

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    BLACK FRIDAY because only in America do people

    trample each other to death for a flat screen at a walmart only 8 hours after allegedly being thankful for what they have...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Mirrors cant talk, thankfully,

    they cant laugh either...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    Turns out that meth use among turkeys increases

    from October through January...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 12 Responses Oct 23

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    MariexOkay MariexOkay 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 13 Responses Oct 11

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    Not even a cannibal would eat you out,

    *****, you deserve to be fingered by a guy with knifes for hands. 😂😂😂😂
    hellerpeople hellerpeople 16-17, F 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    When I'm late to class Me: sorry I'm late I

    got lost on the path of life
    jeline jeline 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses Aug 21

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    stayin up till the sun comes up :P stuff goin

    to school tomorrow ;) love yas
    kaiana2000 kaiana2000 13-15, F 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    http://vimeo.com/46824308 Watch it!

    The most hilarious video about sex olympic thing lol
    candy8ar candy8ar 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    The French revolutionaries had the right idea

    on how to deal with wealthy, snobby, entitled, f#cktards, that whole guillotine thing was a stroke of pure genius....California needs about athousand of those things....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Halloween: candy. Thanksgiving: food.

    Christmas: gifts. New years: Drinks. Valentines: sex. Birthdays: ALL THE ABOVE....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 8 Responses Oct 18

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    Hi friends, one small request,

    if anyone can bail me out of jail later today that would be sweet! I work at a grocery store and its the day before thanksgiving, so ill most definitely be catching a case today, oh one last thing: "dont be fooled by the rocks that i got"Im still Tony from the block....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Native tribes of America; thank you

    for taking our prudish, fundamentalist religious weirdos off our hands, they were so stuffy and uptight even WE hated them, sincerely...the British.
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 hrs ago

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    Let's play the turkey game: Rename a movie

    using the word 'turkey'. My Big Fat Greek Turkey
    sparklestef sparklestef 22-25, F 163 Responses 2 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    Thanksgiving is all about getting your entire

    dysfunctional family together under one roof...and hoping the police dont show up...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Dear turkeys: they only love us

    for OUR breasts too, sincerely,...women.
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 4 hrs ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    If you have sex with a prostitute against her

    will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
    abittwisted abittwisted 51-55, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Thanksgiving: when people sometimes travel

    thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year,...only to discover that once a year is WAY too much...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 hrs ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses 5 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Amayarri Amayarri 18-21, F 3 hrs ago

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    If the Indians.would have given the pilgrims a

    donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of *** today....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    Im going to write: "F#CK YOU!

    " on a brick and throw it in the face of the next person who tells me to: "smile"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Ladies, during the holidays remember;

    if theres a voice in your head that says: "i cant keep drinking this way" dont listen to her, shes drunk...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    Bitchslapper1 Bitchslapper1 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    that moment when you pull something off

    flawlessly that you decide to celebrate with a little dance xD or is that just me :P
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 22 hrs ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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