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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 147,998 People

    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 20 Responses Jan 8

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    My girlfriend just left me.

    The fact that she's imaginary makes it worse.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 19 Responses Mar 12

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    The kids text me "plz"

    which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
    tammy96 tammy96 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    Breakfast of Champs for those of us with

    bipolar!!!  lol (see photo) 
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 3 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 12

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    There's nothing sweeter

    than hearing a man say those three little words... "You were right."
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    I think I seen it all,

    until I watched this video of sock puppets covering Slayers "raining blood" https://youtu.be/JL6DDidh_SU
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Sometimes when annoying people at work are

    talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face... And laugh inside.
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    twerkingnarwhals twerkingnarwhals 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    I like to chill with an unpeeled carrot n munch

    it like you would chill with a chocolate bar n munch that. Anyone else got a weird habbit
    iGoIncognito iGoIncognito 18-21, M 1 hr ago

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    I'm too old to drop it like its hot.

    .. I'm just gonna sit down like its warm...
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    I'm off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard

    of Oz because because because because of the wonderful things he does. I have no idea where that came from. But it's been stuck in my head all day. LOL
    lovlife777 lovlife777 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    sincerelysl sincerelysl 13-15, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    I'd like to propose a toast: Here's to our wives

    and girlfriends, may they never meet.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 9 Responses Mar 14

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 26-30, F 77 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    Rihanna suddenly paused,

    mid-photo shoot, and demanded silence from everyone in the studio. Once it was perfectly still, she proceeded to cut the longest, sweetest sounding fart anyone had ever heard. She then spent the next 10 minutes high-fiving everyone in the room. (see photo)
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Two hydrogen molecules were walking down the

    street when one stops and says " OMG, I've lost an electron!!" The other asks "Are you sure?" The first replies with "I'M POSITIVE !!!!!!"
    JessicaDale JessicaDale 51-55 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    It's all ***** and giggles.

    .,. Until some giggles and *****.
    CrimsonShadow CrimsonShadow 13-15, M 5 hrs ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    AltF4 AltF4 22-25, M 3 days ago

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    Dr: "I have some bad news.

    You have cancer. But I'm afraid that's not all...you also have Alzheimer's Disease. Patient: "Oh thank God, I thought I had cancer."
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 41-45, M 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    Today I was over a relative's place.

    (They're judgemental and religious btw) We were watching HGTV and two guys are looking for a house together. They were brothers, but it wasn't clear at the time. So the relative makes a grossed out face and says, "I don't want to see some gay men!" and changes the channel. Then...
    KyrBella KyrBella 13-15, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    This is what I understood about grilling some

    shrimp on the Barbie before I went to Australia. ( see picture)
    breathingeasy breathingeasy 41-45, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    what's comedy?babies in a dumpster,

    what's dark comedy?1 baby in few dumpsters
    forkinyoureye forkinyoureye 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I stopped believing today.

    ... Journey is going to be so pissed when they find out!
    FabulousGirl FabulousGirl 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim

    chim, like a twit i be singing this song. Chim chimney chim chimney chim chimney chim shru, like an old foo am outta... tune! :-(
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 46 Responses Feb 27

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    I would hate to think what kind of girls he's

    been with now that he's figured out that girls do wipe.... How can an 18 year old be this daft?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Sometime I should listen &.

    Think before I open my mouth
    chef59 chef59 51-55, M 4 days ago

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    I like raunchy humor,

    there's nothing like a good sex joke to get the party started.
    dirtydarkness dirtydarkness 26-30, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    I have a few rules to drinking.

    Always drink when im depressed, angry and happy!
    WickedlilAngel WickedlilAngel 31-35, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 3

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    Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we

    should go out sometime Me trying to flirt: So.... do you like bread?.... ~.~
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 27 Responses Mar 14

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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