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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 142,608 People

    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 39 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    what happened to the frog

    when he parked illegally? HE GOT TOAD!
    bman2014 bman2014 36-40, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    5s0s 5s0s 16-17, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Coworker: how would you describe your sex life

    using only the title of a video game? Boss: left 4 dead Coworker 1: Sonic Me: mass effect Coworker 2: alone in the dark Coworker 3: .......... Goat simulator Lmao wtf ๐Ÿ˜‚
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 12 Responses 2 days ago

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    anonamanda001 anonamanda001 16-17, F 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    You call it lazy, I call it Selective

    Participation. ๐Ÿ˜
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31, 2014

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 11 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    *Boy sees girl crying* Boy: Whats wrong?

    girl: im scared youll sleep with another girl boy: i know i will..and she will call you mommy girl *giggles* i think you got it wrong silly boy: i know what i said
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 9 Responses Dec 23, 2014

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    "Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word,

    Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college." Homer Simpson
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 13 hrs ago

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    I'm not even on drugs.

    I'm just weird.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney

    World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, itโ€™s like "excuse me, Iโ€™m working here."
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    "No rest is worth anything.

    Except the rest that has been earned." Yes, quite an adourious task t moan about life, shout atyer wifi connection. Night all I deserve my rest.
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 3 days ago

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    Titanic be like : I nominate all passengers

    for the ice bucket challenge..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 10 Responses Dec 3, 2014

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    BOO! Why the hell do breaking news alerts only

    happen when I'm trying to watch Ellen on my day off?
    Stickboy1984 Stickboy1984 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    Why is youre sh*t pointed?

    otherwise youre butthole would close with a bang!
    XUD9 XUD9 18-21, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 9 Responses Jan 20

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    Always keep a knife under your pillow during

    the night .... You will never know when someone will break into your house to share a cake.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 8 Responses Dec 2, 2014

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 12 Responses a week ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.ย  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.ย  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 62 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 11 Responses 2 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 21 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    smeckledorfed smeckledorfed 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Man..... cops give you no respect what

    so ever, one put me in jail for nothing. All I did was Ask him for the time. And he says "Beat(s) the hell out of me!" . -Brick
    Brickcanas Brickcanas 46-50, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 12

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    hannahlulz hannahlulz 18-21, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    R.I.P, R.K Laxman, the legendary creator of

    "The Common Man"Looks like it's the month for cartoonists.
    rabinafrost rabinafrost 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    im told by many. im the funniest person they

    know. I love making people laugh. im possitive as they get. even after tragity in life. I managed to blow minds with my attitude. if you dont love me. somthing is wrong with you. lol
    mcguiverman mcguiverman 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    "You know Moe, my mom

    once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something." Homer Simpson
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    This is what happens

    when a little boy likes a girl: 
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    20 years ago we had Johnny cash,

    bob hope, and Steve jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please... Never let Kevin bacon die..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Bbybu Bbybu 22-25, F 18 hrs ago

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    When people look at you

    and then all of a sudden, lick their lips... DARN YOU! I'M NOT EDIBLE, YOU CANNIBAL!
    TheMisanthropeOtaku TheMisanthropeOtaku 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 10 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses 5 days ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2, 2014

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 14 Responses Oct 23, 2014

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    Lmao!!! I was in the grocery store yesterday.

    OOH look! A new ketchup bottle with 25% extra, Cool! I took the stuff I was going to buy to the counter (keep in mind that the store was a huge one). I took a look around me and found some guy right behind me. He was shaking profusely so I just past it off as that he had...
    InnocentPigeon InnocentPigeon 70+ 1 Response 3 days ago

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    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7, 2014

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    they say you are what you eat

    and i'm a human so...
    trueregret880 trueregret880 13-15, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    SerSean SerSean 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 71 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 9 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Mselisa Mselisa 16-17, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Lovetocook44 Lovetocook44 46-50, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak

    while it's strapped to the top of someone's car. :3
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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