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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 137,097 People

    "If I fart in my wallet,

    I'll have gas money." - my dad
    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 11 Responses Aug 7

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    ColdMountain ColdMountain 61-65, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    I'm sorry but this was perfect

    for my inappropriate sense of humor.
    forbidden67 forbidden67 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Dear Apple/Google, Please make an emoji

    imitating blowing it's brains out so I can better express my true emotional state. Yours Truly, Postal
    RiddikulusSister RiddikulusSister 31-35, F 2 days ago

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 12 Responses 4 days ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 40 Responses Jul 16

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    I love this dog to death,

    she is my best friend. I am so blessed to have her.
    UriahIsMine4Ever UriahIsMine4Ever 18-21, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Me: You only go to the gym to meet

    girls Edward: I don't go to the gym to meet girls... they just appear when I'm there.
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 1 hr ago

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    My husband came home from a business trip

    and was complaining about the four hour bus tour that he was forced to endure. I listened, and then said "At least it wasn't a three hour tour". He laughed and said "That's right, I would have been ship wrecked".
    Deedle623 Deedle623 51-55, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 12 Responses Nov 5

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    I'm usially the kind of guy

    who would go out to a populated beach and connect HUGE stereos to the Jaws Theme and run! Hahaha. I know its bad but its funny! I haven't actually done it... Yet..
    WhyHaventYouWatchedThisMovie WhyHaventYouWatchedThisMovie 22-25, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

    . You know it's that time of year when the shops are packed and people stop and have arguments in the parking lot bc one stubborn bastard refuses to move for the other stubborn bastard and a third one has to get out and yell at one of them to move it along as the traffic builds...
    aquagrl aquagrl 31-35, F 14 hrs ago

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    ..............goth...

    ...............
    HoldingOnToAir HoldingOnToAir 16-17, T 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Isaac Newton has aged

    so much since I was a kid. I am so old lol!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 1 day ago

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    The fleeting moment of terror,

    when you're in a pitch black house and you think you hear the wind. Then you sigh with relief as you realize that it's just a child's ghost screaming.
    Shyguy2294 Shyguy2294 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    So about an hour ago,

    this guy called me a succubus in the middle of class because of the black mini and fishnet stockings Im wearing today (only because I'm going to surprise hubby on his break today). One chick immediately consulted a dictionary to find out what that was. I just smiled and told him...
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 2 days ago

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    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    Bitchslapper1 Bitchslapper1 46-50, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Oct 18

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 7 hrs ago

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    You know what show is really weird

    and no one really notices the show Wipeout (most extreme). They say really weird stuff on it and give all the contestants these funny-but weird nicknames like "Super Grandma" "Trash Talker Devon Berry" "Cheap Date Tim Spratt"
    FelBaby FelBaby 18-21, F 5 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Guy Needs A Push (joke)

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to...
    deleted deleted 26-30 40 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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    boydude boydude 22-25, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    I think I have the opposite of beer goggles.

    ..I have sober goggles. It seems like the more I drink, the pickier I get, at least in the area of finding women attractive. Damn liquor.
    purposebuilt purposebuilt 22-25, M 21 hrs ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 68 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Fallenprinceofthedarkside Fallenprinceofthedarkside 18-21, M 3 hrs ago

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    roastedacorn roastedacorn 51-55, M 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 31

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    If I drink alcohol I'm alcoholic If I drink

    fanta I'm fantastic •-•
    BeyondForever BeyondForever 16-17, F 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    I miss the day when I was small enough to fit

    in the bathtub like a mermaid.
    nogoodnamesleft26 nogoodnamesleft26 16-17, T 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    I not an alcoholic. I only drink things

    that start with the letter "A" A keg of beer A glass of champagne A shot of Vodka ...and another one ...
    eriongtk eriongtk 26-30, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    AgentSickler AgentSickler 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    You know you're a Medieval kid

    if you had one of these bad boys!
    MissMadHatter MissMadHatter 18-21, T 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man received message from his neighbor.

    . Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night, I am using when you are not present at home, Infact I am using more than YOU are using, I confess this because now I feel very much guilty, Hope You will accept my sincere apologies!! Man went home and had a big fight...
    Allwaysthink825 Allwaysthink825 22-25, F 15 Responses Mar 1

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 11 Responses Oct 23

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    Someone asked me if i wanted to do drugs

    and tried to convince me it would be amazing and i said.... Nah...The only "high" i need is from the natural rush if murder;)
    Happinessarrow Happinessarrow 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hey everyone; here is one my favorite comedians

    doing one of my favorite stand ups. Enjoy. http://youtu.be/J1NMw6R4QNk
    barzins barzins 46-50, M 2 hrs ago

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    The French revolutionaries had the right idea

    on how to deal with wealthy, snobby, entitled, f#cktards, that whole guillotine thing was a stroke of pure genius....California needs about athousand of those things....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 45 mins ago

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    So made a myspace account

    and I haven't or wont connect with anybody. Instead I make statuses and comment on them and favorite them as if I were different people. It's so much fun!
    nogoodnamesleft26 nogoodnamesleft26 16-17, T 1 day ago