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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 145,638 People

    Going to McDonald's for a salad makes about

    as much sense as going to a hooker for a hug.
    meme111111 meme111111 41-45, M 11 Responses 2 days ago

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 26 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Duct tape can't fix stupidity

    but it can muffle its sound.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 12

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    Doesnt mean I have a crude sense of humour,

    I am open to solicitations.
    AcousticAnne1 AcousticAnne1 26-30, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    pizzaislyfe pizzaislyfe 13-15, M 10 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    KarmaKit KarmaKit 41-45, F 13 Responses 3 days ago

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 28

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    I often hold myself back in public,

    rejection really messes with my head so having a weird sense of humour kinda sucks.
    JackH19 JackH19 18-21, M 5 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    If con is the opposite of pro,

    is Congress the opposite of progress?
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Isn't it weird that we have one hand

    that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like "Idk to how to hold a pencil.." O.O
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 19 Responses Jan 1

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    I doubt Vodka is the answer,

    but it's worth a shot
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 17 Responses 5 days ago

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    omg I love watching fights

    and found this video that is so amazing... poor guy just got brutalized lol
    amyjones99 amyjones99 13-15, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    I want to get a pool,

    and name it "P*ssy", so whenever my friends ask me what I'm doing that day, I can tell them I'll be swimming in P*ssy, and if I drown in the pool, my family and friends can tell people I died drowning in P*ussy.
    AgentSean AgentSean 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Do you ever notice that

    when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 21 Responses Jan 8

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    how I clean my room: -starts at one

    corner -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours -goes to bed
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Jan 26

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    Fifty shades of Grey is only considered romantic

    because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
    VeganSoChic VeganSoChic 22-25, F 49 Responses 4 days ago

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    i hate when people are offended by my jokes.

    They can be pretty bad sometimes but its just a joke. I dont get offended when people joke about my races.
    TheTenaciousPirate TheTenaciousPirate 18-21, F 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    Ok. So, this is very immature

    and classless and pretty hilarious all rolled into one! Tonight I taught my dog to raise his paw when asked "who farted?" He does it so good! Hahaha! He looks so silly! I'm still giggling....
    Femininewiles Femininewiles 26-30, F 21 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I need supervision when in public

    or crap like this happens.
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never criticize someone

    unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 4 days ago

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    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 12 Responses Jan 25

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

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    Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can

    go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
    esmer2496 esmer2496 18-21, F 14 Responses Jan 23

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    What does a hockey player

    and an Amish girl have in common?
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    They say there is safety in numbers.

    Try telling that to 6 million Jews.
    Xplictt Xplictt 22-25, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 62 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    1935 was not the one all the credit cards have

    been pulled away a year macys is entertainment for a moose
    Arepootasrealpeopleoraliens Arepootasrealpeopleoraliens 51-55, F 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    KylieKaat KylieKaat 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    "Black Widow Baby" is an instantly better song

    if you think about an actual baby black widow spider.
    vivianvulpes vivianvulpes 22-25, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Ad: "Simple way to eliminate years on your

    face" [Photo: close up of smiling model's face with diarrhea face-mask].
    urbanseeker urbanseeker 22-25, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Real men EAT p#ssies,

    not ACT like them...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 9 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    Once I thought LGBT was a sandwich.

    .. Lettuce, Glitter, Bacon, Tomato? #teamlesbian
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses 3 days ago

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    I Just Found Out I'm Not A Lesbian

      An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..  She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'  He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole...
    Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 76 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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    Things to make you stop

    and think 1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 3. Only in America...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    It's funny how up until around 14 years old

    "69" was just another number..
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 28 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    Fancy dress party, and

    that TV commercial. Firstly, there is an add on telly here in the uk. It's for a price comparison website "money supermarket" the catch line is, on the current advert "Dave saved £100 on his car insurance and now he feels epic" cut to a guy in a suit strutting proudly down a...
    Heellover Heellover 36-40, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Don't you hate it when you use the bathroom at

    your friend's house and they hide the plunger???
    adhane05 adhane05 22-25, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    When I get low on money I start thinking

    irrationally like "what if I hadn't spend that 10$ back in 2004?"
    dvkota dvkota 16-17, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    PC society makes things less fun.

    Like dwarf tossing. You can't have a dwarf tossing contest anymore because someone might get hurt ( it's ok I'm a dwarf anyway).
    OzarksTrucker OzarksTrucker 36-40, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    the dress is white and gold *waits

    for argument to start*
    PorkythePig PorkythePig 18-21, M 28 Responses 4 days ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26, 2014

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    I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to

    go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
    littlefroghere littlefroghere 41-45, F 6 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    And I know this, and it's cool but-at times

    most people don't get me , and that kinda makes for a long night, and a lot of explaining and that just does something too me, so I would rather be quiet that speak, I mean sometimes I just want to hang about with a guy who gets me and when I say something witty he stops for a...
    amie26 amie26 31-35, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 10 Responses Nov 20, 2014

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    Do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

    - - - Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 13 Responses Jan 11

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    I just bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

    .. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
    SkollHati SkollHati 18-21, M 7 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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