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I Have a Weird Sense of Humor

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 136,641 People

    I dont care how many cool things APPLE comes

    out with, theyll NEVER top: v@gina....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 5 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    The closest i came to a 4.

    0 in school was my blood-alcohol-level...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    I yet a again saw EPAllie's profile pic

    somewhere, but for some reason read it as "EPA I Lie" and started laughing. I probably should sleep soon. :p
    LOMD LOMD 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    my new answer i give to everyone i meet is "ive

    never been to liberia".my question is,where the **** is liberia?
    spoonandstretch spoonandstretch 41-45, M 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    If potatoes are a vegetable

    and gravy is a dressing, then technically im eating a salad right now....
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 12 Responses Nov 10

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    When Miley Cyrus is naked

    and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 2

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    The past, the present

    and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Kittenpowee Kittenpowee 31-35, F 10 Responses Oct 23

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    The grass is only greener on the other side

    because its fertilized with bullsh!t...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    I can find humor in the silliest of places!

    I also think its necessary for some situations... Even bad ones at times and with the right people.
    YouKnowItMakesSense YouKnowItMakesSense 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    So a girl I'm talking to tells me her favorite

    song of ALL TIME is one that came out a couple weeks ago...... time to cut ties right?
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 11

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    If a girl says "First of all",

    run. There's never been a good "first of all". You've never heard a girl say "First of all, I'm gonna suck your ****". And you never will. "First of all" means that girl has done research, has data and her pie charts ready and you are done. xD
    JennyAB JennyAB 16-17, F 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    I hate how spiders just sit on the walls

    and act like they pay rent! Jeesh gotta pet them with a shoe
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 10 Responses Nov 1

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    I just drank a whole can of Red Bull

    and now I feel like fist pumping until my arm falls off 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪
    AreYouDaft25 AreYouDaft25 31-35, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    busy watching supernatural season 10 episode

    5 Sam and Dean investigate a school and the drama department is making a musical fan fiction about their lives throughout the series and the only thought that passed through my head is " fan fictions do come true" after that episode was finished all I could say was "please let...
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 2 days ago

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    Me: My gynecologist said I can't have sex

    for 2 weeks. Boyfriend: What did your dentist say?
    Gemz2411 Gemz2411 18-21, F 3 Responses Oct 2

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    I dont know why some women complain,

    they have half the money and ALL the p#ssy, what more could anyone possibly want?!?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Once, It Almost Got Me Fired

    When putting myself through school, years ago, I supported myself by working various retail jobs.  I quite enjoyed retail...liked working with people, helping people find what they were looking for.  Christmas, however, was not the most enjoyable time of year while working in...
    Whym Whym 36-40, F 63 Responses Jun 10, 2010

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    The more of it you EAT.

    ..the more of IT you'll GET...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Fact: no woman has ever killed a man

    while he was washing the dishes...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    "I had a dream about you.

    " "Awww..." "Yeah, you died."
    SuicidalSilence SuicidalSilence 13-15 5 Responses Jan 10

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    xPiZzaIsBaex xPiZzaIsBaex 13-15, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    This should not have been

    as funny as it was.But my god, FLIPPERS! 
    Ginkofishin Ginkofishin 18-21, F 23 hrs ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Fact: guys who help around the house,

    cook, open doors, pull out chairs, carry heavy things, kill spiders, and bring home flowers NEVER hear: "not tonight i have a headache"...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    If you want people to remember you.

    Borrow money from them.
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 7 Responses Oct 18

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    It's so cold outside I accidentally keyed

    someone's car with my niipples. Lmao.
    HeyyMrsCarter HeyyMrsCarter 22-25, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    My male friend went to doctors the other day to

    ask what's the best treatment for baldness. The doctor said "I have the same problem and the best thing is female love juices". My friend looked at the doctor and replied "but doctor,you are balder than me"?. Doctor looked and said to my friend "but you must admit,I have one...
    sarah696969 sarah696969 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 26

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    that awkward moment when you want the WiFi

    password but you don't ask cuz you don't wanna look like an ******* xD please tell me I'm not the only one
    DDT97 DDT97 16-17, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Dear Sidewalk ,, please get wider .

    .. Sincerely : the third friend walking behind feeling excluded :'( XD
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    I'm not sure if I'm a ****

    for this, but my friends dog died suffocating in a bag of croutons. I thought it was hilarious!
    nogoodnamesleft26 nogoodnamesleft26 16-17, T 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Rose (from Titanic) be like- I nominate Jack

    for the Ice Bucket Challenge..
    TheKingWizard TheKingWizard 18-21, M 6 Responses Aug 21

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    I often wonder when you get accupuncture is

    there a voodoo doll screaming in an alternate universe.?
    Songbird35 Songbird35 31-35, F 10 Responses Aug 19

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    *me texting my step-bro* me : how was your

    flight ? bro's phone : this is his Gf , who are you exactly ? , ***** , why are you texting my man ? me : okay , first of all stop calling yourself his "girlfriend" to make yourself feel better than the other girls -_- ,, we all know ya ain't official so don't flatter yourself...
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    Some of the people i work with are about

    as useless as a windshield wiper on a goats ***, i cant figure out if they're just stupid or possessed by a retarded ghost...
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 Response 11 hrs ago

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    I was hanging out with a guy

    who seemed to be really into me, we were at a park sitting on a bench. He said "scoot closer, you're too far away" & I replied "why don't you just come over here and sit on daddy's lap ;)" he didn't think it was funny and asked me never to say that again. If you can't laugh when...
    rangek rangek 18-21, F 41 Responses Jul 16

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    Life is like toilet paper.

    You're either on a roll or you're taking **** from some *******.
    Nomad712 Nomad712 56-60, M Aug 3

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    figdryjbdtikvxthb figdryjbdtikvxthb 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 28

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    invertedcocaine invertedcocaine 22-25, F 9 Responses Nov 10

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    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark say 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued. Just as he...
    drs0307 drs0307 16-17, F 4 Responses Jun 26

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    What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic

    plot to baptize all nin-believers?
    nelby710 nelby710 18-21, F 35 Responses Sep 13

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    I laughed so hard at this....Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the...
    RedRubies RedRubies 36-40, F 24 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Everyone seems to be normal

    until you see their browser history.
    Rinkika Rinkika 22-25, F 24 Responses Sep 19

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    A photon walks into a hotel.

    The lobby clerk asks "May I help you with your bags?" The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light". BAZINGA.
    deleted deleted 26-30 12 Responses Nov 5

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    Why do they have toilet paper commercials?

    Like, who ISNT buying it!?
    AntonioV AntonioV 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Dentists make money off of people with bad

    teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
    blindfoldstacy blindfoldstacy 41-45, T 9 Responses Oct 3

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    Why test on animals when we have pedophiles,

    rapists, and murderers in prison? Duh
    FinnyFunny FinnyFunny 18-21, F 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    A conversation between my friends

    and I- Her: I can't believe I forgot my jacket. -Insert name of male friend here-, do you have something big for me? Him: *winks* I definitely have something big for you. Me: Whoa now, that's just wrong. You don't just ask men if they have something big for you. Her: Not...
    NaturallyPeculiar NaturallyPeculiar 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    when people ask "how tough are you ?

    " XD ps .. CUTENESS OVERLOAD !!!!!!! 
    TitiChocolate TitiChocolate 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago