on 05:38AM at May 20th, 2012
I am seeking advice on forgiving my alcoholic mother, finding a way to trust her and creating a healthy relationship with her going forward. We are both recovering alcoholics. I’m more than three years sober and she has more than a year sober. Unfortunately, simply becoming sober in and of itself does not fix a relationship and ours seriously needs fixing. She has verbally abused and attempted to control me my entire life and the topic that probably hurt me the most was her obsession with my weight and appearance. She told me I was overweight all the time, forced me to go on diets and did all sorts of crazy brainwashing in an effort to keep me from eating if I was away from her out of the house visiting friends or at any type of social function. The kicker was that I was not, in fact, overweight. As a result my self-image and self-esteem as an adult is very low, sometimes to the point of being debilitating. There’s a vast assortment of other issues resulting from her alcoholism but there’s not enough time in the day to compose that novel.
She refuses to talk to me about my childhood. It’s just “too much” for her to bear. (She’s always the victim of course.) My concern is about my kids. I think that I could find a way to forgive her if it were just my cross to bear but I am scared to death of her verbally abusing them just like she did me. I have to trust her and I can’t until I know that she recognizes the mistakes she made with me and feel confident she will not make the same ones with my kids. She can’t know specifically what those mistakes and concerns are unless we talk through it. Therein lies the problem, she refuses to talk through it with me. On the very rare occasion we do chat briefly, she just tries to justify her behavior. It hurts me beyond words that she’s unwilling to sit through an uncomfortable conversation with me in order to work on improving our mother/daughter relationship. I have asked her to talk to me so many times but she just doesn’t want to. Each time this happens I feel like a bigger a-hole, I feel like I’m begging her…..repeatedly…..
I also want to get some closure around the issues for myself and my sanity. I need that so much. I have to get rid of this emotional baggage because it’s bringing me down. I honestly want to forgive her but I can’t seem to figure out how to forgive her without her participation.
Does anyone have some advice for me?
on 08:42PM at Jan 6th, 2013
I don't have advice for you, but I know how you're feeling. I've been waiting my entire life for my mother to stop drinking.. Now that she has I can't forgive her for the horrific things she did :( *hug* I hope your situation gets better x