I Have Borderline Personality Disorder Forum & Chat Board | Does Anyone Have Any Good Coping Mechanisms For Romantic Relationships?

I was diagnosed with BPD about two years ago. Upon receiving my diagnoses, I avoided romantic relationships like the plague, because after I realized what I was doing to people, I felt that it wouldn't be fair to draw anyone else in and subject them to my behavior.

After two years of working through issues on my own, I have met someone and am falling in love. The problem is, we met at a time where we both had a lot of free time, so as I tend to do (being co-dependent and quick to fall and all), I spent a lot of time with her in the beginning. The problem is, we are both in school and working. We have conflicting schedules and busy lives. I got very used to seeing my girlfriend all of the time, but now we're down to only seeing each other once a week. We have a set date night and I'm thankful for it, but it is also a source of stress for me. I simultaneously look forward to and dread date night every week. I can't wait to see her, but I also have this irrational fear that wanting to see her is a sign of my co-dependency or that maybe I want to see her more than she wants to see me, so I dread its approach as well. I feel like by the time date night comes, I'm going to want to cancel it with some lame excuse about how "I just thought maybe she'd appreciate having a night to herself" or some such manipulation just so that she can express her disappointment over not getting to see me and then I can feel like "Oh yeah... she really DOES want to see me."

Thankfully, my girlfriend is aware of my BPD. She has also had experience with BPD, as her mom is a borderline as well. So, she knows perfectly well what she is getting into with me. That being said, she is very supportive, but not at all enabling. She won't give me reassurance just because I'm looking for it, and she won't tolerate my pushing and pulling behavior. I recently made the mistake of breaking up with her (because she snapped at me over something little and I got over-sensitive) and she has made it clear to me that if I ever tell her that I want to break up again, she will leave and not come back. So she is good at drawing her boundaries. I really feel like if I'm willing to put in the work, this could potentially be the healthiest relationship that I've ever had.

The problem is, I had gotten so used to spending so much time together that the cut back feels a little bit like rejection, even though logically, I understand it isn't so. Also, with the increase of responsibilities in our lives, I sometimes go 24 hours without even hearing from her, which is quite an adjustment from the constant text messaging that we were doing before.

So, I suppose what I am looking for are coping mechanisms for adjusting to the change in our relationship. I love having her in my life, but with each hour that passes by without a text message, my anxiety increases. Even though I logically understand that she is working, or doing homework, or needs some time to herself, my emotions are telling me that she doesn't care about me, that she is thinking about breaking up with me, or that if she isn't going to be around as much as I want her to, then the relationship isn't worth it. If she has to shorten or cancel date night because something comes up, I am struck with the over-whelming urge to push her away. My emotions decide that I shouldn't even be bothering with all of this.

She did write me a card. She told me that it is a tangible reminder that she does care about me and wants to be with me and that while this will be difficult, she is here for me. She told me to keep it and read it whenever the BPD voice in my head starts telling me I should push her away. I also wrote my own list of positive thoughts and things to remember that I can read. These things help, but the anxiety is still there. I also keep myself very busy, so I do try distraction as well, but I was wondering if anyone has anything else that they do to cope. I just want as many options as possible because I'm trying as hard as I can to keep this relationship healthy.

 

I pray or just forget about it. I personally don't have a relationship. I do have a problem when friends don't text or reply to messages as it makes me think I have done some thing to upset them. So I know what u mean about the voices.
May I ask why don't you just send her a text every now and the to see how her day was? I can't see why that would be a problem as long as you don't send them every day or every hour. Then again you would probably also need to be prepared that she may not get back to you straight away as you mentioned earlier she could also be busy.

 

We were just in a tricky place before. The unfortunate issue is that she is crazy in her own way. She has really bad anxiety and also suffers from depression. Our crazies are pretty incompatible, because I'm a bit clingy and she is a bit defensive. She tends to construct massive walls.

I was stressing when I wrote that post because I hadn't heard from her most of that week. As it turns out, she was having the worst week of her life and it was putting her in shut down mode. She was shutting me out because that's what she does when life gets too hard for her to handle. This, of course, triggered my BPD.

I wasn't sending her texts or anything before, because she had told me that she needed space. She doesn't like to "lose herself' in relationships as she puts it. She likes to know that we are two completely separate people who just enjoy being together when we can. But after she went through her shut-down mode, she told me to forget everything she said before and that I actually SHOULD text her every now and then. She said that sometimes she needs to be reminded that I'm still here, so that she can try to pull herself out of it. Of course she won't always be able to answer (and I have to mentally prepare myself for that so as to not trigger my BPD), but she will answer when she can. I am starting to adjust to not having her around. I just have to almost convince myself that I don't have a girlfriend. I have to pretend like she's just a friend or something, so it shouldn't matter if I don't hear from her. Probably not the best approach (I kind of realized that I'm starting to build my own wall against her now), but it gets me through. Now I just need to balance that with actually letting her in.

Oh the joys of BPD...

 

Apologies for the not so helpful comment, but I am brand new here(10 mins actually) and looking for the same sort of help myself. I am sorry I am no help but I thought you would appreciate someone telling you they relate to what you are saying and feeling. Your girlfriend sounds absolutely lovely. She is a keeper. Its great to see you are aware of what is real and what is bpd. I was wondering are you like me in that its usually only hours after you have had irrational feelings/thoughts that you realise that they were irrational? When Im in the moment, Im right and everyone else is wrong or against me. Its usually only hours/days after I realise I got things wrong, but then bpd creeps in and I think yeah but what if its NOT paranoia this time? what If I really AM right in what Im thinking/feeling. Half the time Im not sure whats real and whats not. Anyway, Hi, Im Dawn, Im 31 and Iv bpd. I wish you all the best in your relationship, but to be honest you guys seem lovely together. (That little note she made you is an awesome thing to do). I will read some of your stuff now. Dawn.

 

Ah, well thank you. As it turns out, she broke up with me two days ago. Our relationship was difficult because my BPD kept being triggered over and over and over again. I had never dated anyone like her before. She wanted lots of space. I mean... LOTS. We were only two months into the relationship (when things should be new and exciting and you usually do want to send cute text messages and such) and she'd sometimes go a few days without sending me so much as a text. Even worse, every time we made plans to do something fun together, she'd cancel them. She'd rather come over to my place once every week or two just to cuddle for an hour or two and then leave.

It was a weird relationship because she'd say the right things and do the right things (like giving me that card), but then she'd completely disappear on me (despite me holding a card telling me she wasn't). I tried really hard to make myself adjust to her idea of what a relationship should be, but while I'm trying to battle my negative emotions and feeling like she must not be that into me, I'm seeing all of these other couples posting their pictures of their date nights and talking about spending time together, etc. I knew that my needs weren't being met, but because of the BPD, I thought that maybe I'm just too needy. I'd try to talk to her about it, but she'd just get angry with me. As soon as I said the words "I feel..." she'd cut me off telling me that she didn't have energy for the conversation. That reaction always automatically brought tears to my eyes and triggered my BPD, because I felt that I couldn't even communicate with her without making her mad. I even surmised that maybe it was the WAY that I was communicating. Maybe I was making her feel criticized. So one time, after one of our fights, when we had scheduled a talk, I planned out exactly what I was going to say. Before I even started, I told her how much she means to me, how much I appreciate what she did for me, I noted how hard she is trying, and told her to keep in mind that anything that I was saying was "feelings" not necessarily fact. Since they were emotions, they weren't grounded in logic and therefore, could be incorrect. And the reason that I was telling her was so that she could understand my point of view and maybe explain things from her side so that I could come to some sort of middle ground since I am prone to black and white thinking. Even still.. the second that I tried to communicate how my needs weren't being met, she just yelled at me and made me feel awful.

I talked my therapist about it and she actually told me that my ex wasn't being fair. She said that I had used really good communication skills and that I was obviously working very hard in this relationship, but that my ex, although she said the right things, wasn't following through in her actions. But, me being me, I defended my ex and took all of the blame myself.

I felt that I was ruining the relationship because of my constant BPD paranoia. I was always worried there was something wrong. As it turns out, I was right all along. She didn't break up with me because of my BPD. She broke up with me because she has never been with a girl before. She broke up with me because the title of "girlfriend" scared her. She broke up with me because she finally realized that she wasn't ready for a real relationship - she just wanted more of a light-hearted experiment. The reason she got mad at me and cut me off every time I tried to express my feelings was because she hadn't figured all of this out yet. She knew something was wrong, and she felt guilty for not meeting my needs, but she didn't have the words to express herself yet. So instead, she went on the defensive and let me feel like I was being ridiculous and too needy.

So yes, to answer your question, I do often come down pretty quickly and realize I was being irrational. But those thoughts can creep back up as well. And I do question myself often. In fact, in the above situation, I was hell-bent on NOT letting the BPD ruin the relationship that I ignored my instincts that something was wrong on her end and took all of the blame myself. I did everything I could to try to sacrifice my needs and fit what I thought she wanted me to be, only to result in constant BPD triggers. So, I guess my next step is learning to better express my needs and learn to trust myself a little bit more.

As far as she and I are concerned, we had a two hour long talk when we broke up. A talk where she finally actually communicated and finally actually listened to me. We didn't fight at all. It was the closet I felt to her in a while. It was the closet she had been to the girl who wrote me that card in a while. After listening to her, I was able to put together why we were struggling so much. I was able to understand why we had fought that things weren't all my fault. And more importantly, I was able to understand where she was coming from. So even though she wanted me to be, I wasn't mad at her.

In fact, as stupid as this probably is, I actually decided to continue to try to meet her needs. She spelled out from me what she wants. She needs more of an ambiguous no labels, no expectations sort of situation. She felt pressure from having a girlfriend. She told me that she wanted to date a girl as a way to figure out her sexuality, but with me, she hasn't felt like she was dating a girl. She's felt like she was dating BPD. She was putting so much energy into trying to figure me out, that she wasn't even thinking about whether or not she actually LIKED dating a girl. She needs it to be fun and light. She needs something where she can text when she wants, but without me expecting it. She can see me when she wants, but without me expecting her to schedule time. When she can kiss me if she wants to, but without me expecting that she'll fall in love. She needs us to be what we were when we first started dating, before she actually became from girlfriend.

During all of our crap, I had often thought that I wished we could take the pressure off too. That maybe I wouldn't be so upset by her absences and detachment if she weren't actually my girlfriend. So I agreed to try it. The thing is, I don't doubt that she cares about me. And although she wasn't meeting my needs in a relationship, I do believe that she was giving me all that she could give. When someone gives you 100% of what they can give, that means something. So as dumb and as risky as this may be, I decided that I'm down to go at her pace. Or at least try it. She was much more open, fun, compassionate, understanding, and present before the pressure of the girlfriend label. I'm thinking if I can be what she needs, remain confident, and go at her own pace, then I'll eventually start to feel more secure again. And she did make it very clear that it was ok for us to have the feelings that we already developed. She doesn't want a booty call or anything. We can care about each other and we can even let that grow. It just needs to be slower. I can't expect her to give me reassurance when she is in a place where she is so unsure of herself.

We'll see how it works. I know it's going to be extremely difficult, because I'm entering into an emotional gray area. I'm a black and white thinker who is going to be faced with no rules. I understand logical gray areas perfectly fine (I'm a social worker major and everything I study is gray!) but emotional gray areas are complicated. I like the labels of being a couple or not a couple and what those labels entail. I know that I'm going to over think every step of this. But in social work, we have the saying "You have to lean into the discomfort." If I'm ever going to learn to handle emotional gray areas, I'm going to just have to immerse myself and give it my all. Besides, I have comfort in knowing that this situation wouldn't be comfortable for anyone - BPD or not. There are no guarantees and I'll most likely walk away heart broken. But at least I have the bravery to try and at least I'm putting the trust in her instead of letting fear rule me. I see that as progress.

 

What a painfully beautiful, profound experience. I just wanted to tell you that I think the effort you put into being so self-aware is phenomenal. You are a wonderful, intelligent human being and I hope that one day you find someone who truly appreciates and values that fact.

Much love, and Namaste.

 

Wow... Thank you so much for that response! It gave me goosebumps! It was a very nice surprise to get validation like that from a total stranger. It's instances like this that give me the drive to continue to be a good person and to continue on my growth path.

And you are right. The situation was extremely profound. Sadly, it ended about two weeks ago. It ended in a very profound way though. My ex and I were able to come to the realization that we are just on different paths. She needs things that I can't provide and I need things that she can't provide. We are taking some time apart to heal, but we recognize that we are learning a lot from one another and so we will be friends eventually. I believe we'll be much better friends than we were lovers.

Thank you again for the wonderful comment :) I really appreciate it!