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I Joke Or Saying of the Day

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 53 People

    Doug Floyd

    You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Doug Floyd
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M Oct 23, 2013

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    Hacker Syndrome

    There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me. Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Sep 7, 2013

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    Cargo Trucks

    “To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    Ten O'clock Tee Time

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 25, 2013

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 2 Responses Apr 15, 2008

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    The Tombstone

    A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 6, 2013

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    The Nervous Traveler

    “I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Sep 8, 2013

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    Bestie Sent This to Me Yesterday. Lol

    For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free... Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
    HeavenBesideYou HeavenBesideYou 41-45, F 6 Responses Aug 12, 2008

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    Do You Want Some Meat Loaf ??

    hay mom, the f****n meat loaf!, f***!!
    MickDundeeFromAustralia MickDundeeFromAustralia 22-25, M Jul 25, 2012

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    Ok I Got One.

    A man walked into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. The man said “I'll have a hamburger and french fries”. The ostrich said “I'll have the same”. The waitress gave the man the bill, which was $9.40, and, to the waitresses amazement, the man reached into...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 56 Responses May 14, 2008

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    LMAO - I Found This and Had to Share It!!

    WARNING FOR ALL WOMEN ! This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the...
    AWUK AWUK 26-30, F 3 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    Needles Are Not Nice

    Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. "Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 25, 2013

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    A Beautiful Saying

    There are two lasting bequestswe can give our childrenOne of these is roots;the other, wings.Hodding Carter
    lazycrazybasket lazycrazybasket 46-50, M Dec 27, 2011

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    Now I Know....

    This is interesting... Believe it or not. Woman has a man on it; Mrs. has Mr on it; FEMALE has male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam on it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!   MEN were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their...
    evergreen evergreen 31-35, F 3 Responses Apr 15, 2008

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    Nun and Taxi Guy

    A cabbie picks up a Nun.     She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.     He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 18 Responses Feb 19, 2008

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    Joke Of The Day

    “The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 24, 2013

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    QOTD 4 August 12, 2008

    When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it - don't back down and don't give up - then you're going to mystify a lot of folks.             -- Bob Dylan Anyone can be an idealist. Anyone can be a cynic. The hard part lies...
    fungirlmmm fungirlmmm 41-45, F 4 Responses Aug 12, 2008

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    New Study

    New Sex Study...   It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is   a doggie position.   The husband sits up and begs.   The wife rolls over and plays dead. 
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 7 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    BRAKPAN Chicks!

    BRAKPAN CHICKS! A Brakpan girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the half deaf worker. "No" she replies. "...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 8 Responses Feb 19, 2008

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    The Feather Dancer

    “The feather dancer was rushed to the hospital. Her boa constricted her.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 2, 2013

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    First Grade Teacher.

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 5 Responses May 14, 2008

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    Angel's Food Vs. Devil's Food

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Oct 25, 2013

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    Guess Who's The Bride?

    A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 27, 2013

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    Blond Guy Joke

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 6 Responses Feb 18, 2008

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    Saying of the Day... Really True

    God created ******* so that woman could moan, even if they are happy....
    Ella06 Ella06 18-21, F Apr 16, 2008

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    Italian Girl.......

    A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. > >> > >> Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good > >> trip. > >> The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 3 Responses Feb 12, 2008

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    The Old Man and the Cop

      A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom.         Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew...
    RioMan123 RioMan123 46-50 4 Responses Jun 24, 2008

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    3 Nuns

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, "I want...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 7 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    The Wall Street Journal

    Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall St Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    Take Off.

    All the passengers were boarded, and seated on an international airline flight. They all watched as the pilots came aboard. Both wearing dark glasses....One with a white cane with red tip, bumping it along, the other with a "seeing eye" dog....Nervously, they watched...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 5 Responses May 14, 2008

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    Related Experiences

    Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more. One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 hrs ago

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    My friends and I have this running joke called "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 25

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    There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy...
    devdom devdom 46-50, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    Serious question about a joke. Here is a joke. At the end of the joke, I ask some questions about your reaction to it. A man and a woman are alone in the elevator of a tall office...
    eddiecarbone eddiecarbone 61-65, M 7 Responses Mar 27

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    Some more jokes....and riddles How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. Two...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F Mar 20

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    In anticipation of a TV drama that is going to be shown soon based on the life of my favourite comedian, Tommy Cooper, here are some of his jokes. ********************** I went...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F 1 day ago

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    A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where any woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 31

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    Set a good example Rohan who was in high school asked his pretty history teacher, Sara, out on a date. She agreed and they went to a nice restaurant. Rohan offered her beer but...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 5

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    There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Apr 8

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    I am a man with simple tastes; Netflix, xbox, JOKER, and other things. But when it comes to my room, all I can do is look around and say hot digity, this place is alright. I dream...
    sladewilson101 sladewilson101 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 10

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    Three men had a very late night out drinking scotch whiskey. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met for lunch next day, and compared notes about...
    pfloyd121 pfloyd121 46-50, M 3 Responses Apr 12

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    Converting a Bear A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    !!WARNING!! THIS IS AN ADULT JOKE!! ...you have been warned. This is one of my favorites so it might be a repost. It's so difficult to navigate this site from ipad app, it's...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    I don't hit the bars much any more, but back in the day I used to carouse around. Here is a joke I had a lot of fun with whenever I found myself sitting at a bar next a woman...
    AlwaysGood AlwaysGood 51-55, M 4 days ago

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    I have joker poster everywhere, a joker wallet, Dc games with batman and joker, i went to Walmart when i was 15 just to buy batman sheets which are on my bed right now, batman...
    earpollution earpollution 18-21, F 1 Response Apr 12

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    There are many different reactions to suicide. Some think it's selfish, some think it's sad, some blame theirselves, and others just can't bare to process it. But no one should...
    Audrina14 Audrina14 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car.  “Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car." “That’s right, officer, I do." ”Well that’s...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F 4 Responses Mar 20

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    A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't...
    Joseph86 Joseph86 26-30, M 3 Responses Mar 21

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    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 21

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    ******** FOR SALE A man comes home to find his wife standing in the living room with her suitcases packed"where do u think ur goin?"he asks The wife replies " I'm goin to Las...
    Sandyshaw13 Sandyshaw13 36-40, F 13 Responses Mar 22

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    There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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