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I Joke Or Saying of the Day

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 50 People

    3 Nuns

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, "I want...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 7 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    Doug Floyd

    You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Doug Floyd
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M Oct 23, 2013

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    Ten O'clock Tee Time

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 25, 2013

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    Do You Want Some Meat Loaf ??

    hay mom, the f****n meat loaf!, f***!!
    MickDundeeFromAustralia MickDundeeFromAustralia 22-25, M Jul 25, 2012

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    The Feather Dancer

    “The feather dancer was rushed to the hospital. Her boa constricted her.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 2, 2013

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    The Old Man and the Cop

      A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom.         Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew...
    RioMan123 RioMan123 46-50 3 Responses Jun 24, 2008

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 2 Responses Apr 15, 2008

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    Cargo Trucks

    “To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    New Study

    New Sex Study...   It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is   a doggie position.   The husband sits up and begs.   The wife rolls over and plays dead. 
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 7 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    Take Off.

    All the passengers were boarded, and seated on an international airline flight. They all watched as the pilots came aboard. Both wearing dark glasses....One with a white cane with red tip, bumping it along, the other with a "seeing eye" dog....Nervously, they watched...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 4 Responses May 14, 2008

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    Guess Who's The Bride?

    A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 27, 2013

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    Hacker Syndrome

    There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me. Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Sep 7, 2013

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    Joke Of The Day

    “The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 24, 2013

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    LMAO - I Found This and Had to Share It!!

    WARNING FOR ALL WOMEN ! This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the...
    AWUK AWUK 26-30, F 3 Responses Jan 31, 2008

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    Nun and Taxi Guy

    A cabbie picks up a Nun.     She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.     He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 18 Responses Feb 19, 2008

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    QOTD 4 August 12, 2008

    When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it - don't back down and don't give up - then you're going to mystify a lot of folks.             -- Bob Dylan Anyone can be an idealist. Anyone can be a cynic. The hard part lies...
    fungirlmmm fungirlmmm 41-45, F 4 Responses Aug 12, 2008

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    Bestie Sent This to Me Yesterday. Lol

    For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free... Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
    HeavenBesideYou HeavenBesideYou 41-45, F 6 Responses Aug 12, 2008

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    Now I Know....

    This is interesting... Believe it or not. Woman has a man on it; Mrs. has Mr on it; FEMALE has male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam on it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!   MEN were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their...
    evergreen evergreen 31-35, F 3 Responses Apr 15, 2008

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    Italian Girl.......

    A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. > >> > >> Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good > >> trip. > >> The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 3 Responses Feb 12, 2008

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    A Beautiful Saying

    There are two lasting bequestswe can give our childrenOne of these is roots;the other, wings.Hodding Carter
    lazycrazybasket lazycrazybasket 46-50, M Dec 27, 2011

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    Needles Are Not Nice

    Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. "Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 25, 2013

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    The Nervous Traveler

    “I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Sep 8, 2013

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    Ok I Got One.

    A man walked into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. The man said “I'll have a hamburger and french fries”. The ostrich said “I'll have the same”. The waitress gave the man the bill, which was $9.40, and, to the waitresses amazement, the man reached into...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 55 Responses May 14, 2008

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    Angel's Food Vs. Devil's Food

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Oct 25, 2013

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    The Tombstone

    A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 6, 2013

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    The Wall Street Journal

    Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall St Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    First Grade Teacher.

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia 41-45, M 5 Responses May 14, 2008

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    I Made This Up and Am Sadly Proud of It

    I called the police this morning to report an intruder. There was an old man in my mirror.  
    jake1956 jake1956 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 15, 2008

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    BRAKPAN Chicks!

    BRAKPAN CHICKS! A Brakpan girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the half deaf worker. "No" she replies. "...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 8 Responses Feb 19, 2008

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    Blond Guy Joke

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off...
    only4me only4me 26-30, F 6 Responses Feb 18, 2008

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    Saying of the Day... Really True

    God created ******* so that woman could moan, even if they are happy....
    Ella06 Ella06 18-21, F Apr 16, 2008

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    Related Experiences

    NEVER LIE TO YOU MOTHER! John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 8 Responses Jan 5

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    The Yiddish Parrot Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 14

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    Not too long ago, I read my first article on maladaptive daydreaming and immediately realized that it was the "quirk" in my brain that I'd never exactly found a fitting term for...
    shemeantyonoharm991 shemeantyonoharm991 22-25, F Jan 1

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    A pastor, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 4

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    Homeless Guys Jokes A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" A bum came up to me saying, "I...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 15 Responses Jan 3

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    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    Doctor Jokes A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 5 days ago

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    An accountant decided to leave his wife one day, so he leaves her a note saying: “Dear Sarah, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses Jan 2

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    One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." A little upset, the...
    Guvna2106 Guvna2106 31-35, M 2 Responses Jan 17

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    Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was doing an exercise where she says a letter and the class replies by saying a word that starts with the letter and using it in...
    AtheistsAreDumb AtheistsAreDumb 16-17, M Jan 19

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    Two blondes went for a walk in the country one fine day. As they were walking along, one looked down and exclaimed, 'Look at the deer tracks!' and the other looked and rolled her...
    MadwomanM MadwomanM 51-55, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A Halloween joke Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit! A demon joke What do foreign devils speak? Devil Dutch! A ghost joke What...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 12

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    One day three people were standing in front of the president Obama during a town hall meeting. John, weighs about 140 pounds. James, weighs about 150 pounds. Codi weighs 243 pounds...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    This is a favorite joke of mine. Enjoy. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 8 Responses Dec 29, 2014

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    A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response Dec 31, 2014

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