I Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 81 People

    The pilot came over the intercom to report

    trouble with engine number one. "No cause for alarm," he said, "but because I have to shut it down our arrival will be delayed about an hour." Minutes later the pilot reported an oil leaking engine number two. "Don't worry," he said. "A jumbo jet can fly on two engines. But...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 10, 2015

    Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a

    pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Feb 25, 2016

    Two young boys were spending the night at their

    grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..." His older...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 12, 2016

    "Has your son decided what he wants to be

    when he grows up?" I asked my friend. "He wants to be a garbage man", he replied. "That"s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age." "Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Feb 24, 2016

    The farmer's son was returning from the market

    with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Sep 16, 2015

    A woman called a local hospital.

    "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Sep 14, 2015

    On their way to get married,

    a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 19, 2015

    A small piece of sodium

    which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined. "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 14, 2015

    Dad's pager went off,

    summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 13, 2016

    A passenger train is creeping along,

    slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 13, 2015

    At a local bar in downtown Bemidji,

    MN, the owner was so sure that his bartender was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Feb 20, 2015

    The teenager lost a contact lens

    while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 29, 2015

    One night a teenage girl brought her new

    boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 7, 2015

    He pulled up to work with his sweet new car

    this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    5 Responses Mar 2, 2015

    While carpenters were working outside the old

    house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 5, 2016

    In the middle of an argument a man said to his

    wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!" The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Apr 13, 2015

    Dear santa, For this year I'm requesting,

    a fat bank account, and a small body. P.S. This year, please don't mix them up, like you did last year!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 12, 2015

    One day a man went to an auction.

    While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 26, 2015

    An elderly couple are

    both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me". "Why not", he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead". The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 12, 2015

    A woman visited a modern-art gallery.

    One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches. The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings." "I paint what I feel...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 17, 2015

    Man goes to see the Rabbi.

    "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 14, 2015

    Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk.

    So Fred asked his dog, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof," the dog barked. Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels. "Rough." He still wasn't convinced. "O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Fred asked the dog. "Ruth." With that...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Feb 18, 2016

    A married couple rushed to the hospital

    because the woman was in labor. The doctor told the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives them to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Mar 26, 2015

    Caught You A speeding driver was pulled over

    by a policeman. The driver asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 18, 2015

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the

    street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jul 4, 2015

    Most people hate to parallel park.

    The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 15, 2016

    As he was drilling a batch of recruits,

    the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 19, 2016

    The Three Travellers Three travelers,

    an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. “Aaah!” he said. “We're right over my homeland.” “How can you tell?” asked the American. “I can feel the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Feb 7, 2015

    As a crowded airliner is about to take off,

    the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Apr 11, 2015

    An old lady walked into a newspaper office.

    She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 28, 2015

    A Henny Youngman Classic: I went to the

    doctors for a check up . He gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay the bill . HE GAVE ME ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 29, 2016

    A little boy asked his grandmother what year

    she was born. She told him she was born in 1935. "Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 8, 2016

    A Sunday school teacher asked the children in

    her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 25, 2015

    A Preacher decides to skip Sunday services

    and go to the golf course to hit a few. When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself. But he does have witnesses. It seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jun 13, 2015

    Ever since I was a child,

    I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 23, 2015

    I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to

    traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 5, 2015

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

    Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer. Wife texts back 5 minutes later: Computer really messed up now.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Feb 16, 2015

    The other day, Nancy

    and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Feb 22, 2016

    God and Adam In the Beginning,

    God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 1, 2015

    Jim was a stickler for good spelling.

    So when an associate emailed asking him to "decifer" some technical documents, he replied to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph', not an 'f'," he wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 26, 2015

    Son - "Dad whats the difference between

    confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 18, 2014

    Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in

    Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 2, 2016

    The warden, addressing the three instigators of

    a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things: First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Feb 28, 2016

    On her way back from the concession stand,

    Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?" Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did." Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 6, 2016

    "This little computer,

    " said the sales clerk, "will do half your job for you." The senior manager studying the machine made his decision... "Fine, I'll take two."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 15, 2015

    "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,

    " the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said. "OK," the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 4, 2015

    The school where he had been a Principal the

    previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 27, 2015

    A Marine enters the Catholic Church

    confessional booth in Jacksonville . He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat Up an Obama supporter." The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Feb 13, 2015

    Sarah, the church gossip

    and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Nov 25, 2015

    Carl asked Roslyn if she would walk across the

    frozen part of the lake to the general store and get him some snacks and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind." So Roslyn walked across the ice, got the snacks and beer at the store and then walked back...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 26, 2016

    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 4, 2016

    The businessman dragged himself home

    and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Oct 13, 2015

    For their anniversary,

    a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 20, 2016

    Mike walked into a post office just

    before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 15, 2016

    Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train

    station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 12, 2016

    A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the

    side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Jun 14, 2015

    Once my divorce was final,

    I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied. "Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 11, 2016

    How do you help to save EP?

    While your coffee I'd brewing please take the time to sign the petition to save EP...and while you drink you coffee spread the word to your friends https://www.change.org/p/ep-keep-ep-open-don-t-close-ep?recruiter=515242832&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink
    BytheBy BytheBy
    46-50, F
    Mar 24, 2016
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