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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,205 People

    powerfulsubtle powerfulsubtle 26-30, M Oct 25

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    !!WARNING!! THIS IS AN ADULT JOKE!

    ! ...you have been warned. This is one of my favorites so it might be a repost. It's so difficult to navigate this site from ipad app, it's easier to rewrite than to search. Anyway... ..this joke was edited many times. The words in all caps are integral to the joke. They are...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M Apr 15

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    What did the blanket say

    when it fell off the bed? "Oh Sheet"
    ALetterToElise ALetterToElise 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 14

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    The Surprise Birthday Dinner :

    One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 8 Responses Feb 22, 2013

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    Blonde's Appendicitis A blonde has sharp pains

    in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    Lexus Lexus 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 7, 2007

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    some people amaze me some take a joke way to

    serious joke is joke be happy not negative be calm
    deleted deleted 26-30 May 18

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    The Bad Belt Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

    A: He held up a pair of pants.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    Three women die together in an accident

    and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...
    run23456 run23456 46-50, M 4 Responses Jul 10

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    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 25, 2013

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 2 Responses Aug 5

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    Lawyer Experiments Q: Why have scientists

    started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 22-25, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 3 Responses Jun 6

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    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response Jun 1

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    A few zingers from President Obama's comedy

    act at this year's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner [Part 2]:"While we are talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story. An American won the Boston Marathon for the first time in 30 years.... Which was inspiring and only fair since a Kenyan has been president...
    intersex713 intersex713 26-30 May 7

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    Pull Over Sara was driving home from work

    when she noticed a Policeman following her. "Pull over!" the cop announced. Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her. "You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    I was at my little stepsister's kindergarten

    end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
    hornewrecked hornewrecked 16-17, F 1 Response Jun 19

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    Exile In The Desert

    Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 21, 2013

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    A few zingers from President Obama's comedy

    act at this year's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner:On the media:"I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go to to get CNN coverage these days... I think they are still searching for their tables...
    intersex713 intersex713 26-30 May 7

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 21 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    Man walks into a bar,

    sits down, takes out a little piano and puts it on the bar. Then pulls a foot tall man out of his other pocket. The 12" man sits at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The bartender is amazed and asks the man, 'How did you get him? He plays so wonderfully". The man...
    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response May 28

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    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

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    Friendship Goes Far...

    there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them.. bob and todd... todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee. while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling. todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened. bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
    waitingtoberecognized waitingtoberecognized 16-17, F 3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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    Did you hear about the hipster

    who burned her lips? She drank coffee, before it was cool!
    TandSMichael TandSMichael 51-55, M 2 Responses Mar 30

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    A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm

    in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 24

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    My friend got fired from his job selling home

    security systems. If no one was home, he would leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
    Ludwigdrummerboy Ludwigdrummerboy 61-65, M 1 Response Jul 2

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    Where do most people go

    after they die?
    TheTofuMaster TheTofuMaster 22-25, M 1 Response Sep 16

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    “You're driving me NORMAL!

    ” ― Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter
    KortneeAnne KortneeAnne 26-30, F Mar 30

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    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

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    The Toast

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest Of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The night...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 23, 2013

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    The angry boy tells the girl

    after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!" The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 17

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    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    Aurinne Aurinne 36-40, F 4 Responses May 22, 2012

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    The Irishman

    An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 9, 2013

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe 41-45, M 3 Responses Mar 3

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    Two salesmen were going door to door,

    and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 17

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    Drowning Lawyer Q: How do you stop a lawyer

    from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 2 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 17 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 51-55, M 4 Responses May 14

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    A Parrot Experience

    A Lady went to the store tobuy a parrot and asks the salesperson "What's so specialabout the parrot ?"Sales person" this parrot cantalk" So the lady asks theparrot " how do i look?" Theparrot replies " you look like aprostitute?"The lady gets pissed off andtells the sales person...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M 4 Responses May 18, 2012

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    How do polar bears go to the toilet ?

    With their bear bums .....
    mintybear2 mintybear2 41-45, F 1 Response May 27

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    Brilliant Woman

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M May 17, 2012

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    I Love A Good Joke

    Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”.  ever since i was a kid.. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for...
    Vijijcob Vijijcob 41-45, M 3 Responses Dec 19, 2011

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    A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette were

    discussing their pregnancies The Brunette says "I'm having a baby girl because my lover was on top of me when we conceived!" The Redhead pipes up "I'm having a boy! I was on top of my lover when we conceived!" The blonde, distraught, breaks down and starts crying. The other two...
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 1 Response Oct 17

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    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    A little boy named Charlie complains to his

    teacher, "I'm too smart for 1st grade!". The teacher then goes to the principal with Charlie. The principle first asks some questions: 3 x 3? 9 6 x 3? 18 6 squared? 36 The principal is impressed by Charlie's intelligence, and allows him to be in the 3rd grade. The teacher...
    onelife4u onelife4u 41-45, M Mar 20

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    Moon Joke

    Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon? Great food but no Atmosphere.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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