A bear was walking through the woods when he saw a rabbit.
The bear said: "Excuse me Mr. Rabbit, can I ask you a personal question?"
The rabbit said: "Sure. What's your question?"
The bear asked: "Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied: "No I...
down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Danny was being tried for Bigamy in a court.
After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."
"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.
"What is it that you realized?" the judge...
When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
A Lady went to the store tobuy a parrot and asks the salesperson "What's so specialabout the parrot ?"Sales person" this parrot cantalk" So the lady asks theparrot " how do i look?" Theparrot replies " you look like aprostitute?"The lady gets pissed off andtells the sales person...
A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had.
As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows:
"Why are you using such a long password?" he asked.
"You told me to!" she replied.
America: In 30 mins, 50 caught
London: In 30 mins, 70 caught
Spain: In 30 mins 100 caught
India: In 15 mins, no result
India : In 30 mins, no result.
WTF. Is machine malfunctioning ??
Checked: Result: Machine stolen.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.
Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
Of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
Toast of The night...
and worship in opposite towns. Every day they pass each other cycling to work, and exchange friendly greetings.
One day the rabbi meets the priest, who is walking. He stops and asks the priest I this is a new fitness regime. The priest replies that he first missed it after...
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
...you have been warned. This is one of my favorites so it might be a repost. It's so difficult to navigate this site from ipad app, it's easier to rewrite than to search. Anyway...
..this joke was edited many times. The words in all caps are integral to the joke. They are...
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer...
and his wife greets him at the door and asks, "Is dinner ready yet?!?" She grabs him and points across the street as a husband comes home and tenderly kisses his wife. She say, "Why can't you do that?" The husband responds, "Well, I haven't met her yet."
a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
* HATE has 4 letters, but so does LOVE.
* ENEMIES has 7, but so does FRIENDS.
* LYING has 5, but so does TRUTH.
* HURT has 4, but so does HEAL.
* NEGATIVE has 8, but so does POSITIVE.
* FAILURE has 7, but so does SUCCESS.
* UNDER has 5, but so does ABOVE
God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay"
Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay."
God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..."
Unit.. Can't exactly remember, naw exactly the joke but here goes :P
There was two guys having a chat at a dinner table, one was eating out of a bowl and put his spoon down. The other asked "Are you finished with that?" To which the guy with the bowl said, "yeah, sure you have...
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are...
there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them..
bob and todd...
todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee.
while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling.
todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened.
bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
teacher, "I'm too smart for 1st grade!". The teacher then goes to the principal with Charlie. The principle first asks some questions:
3 x 3? 9
6 x 3? 18
6 squared? 36
The principal is impressed by Charlie's intelligence, and allows him to be in the 3rd grade. The teacher...
Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink...
and going up to the bartender he says 'I need five shots of tequila right now!' The bartenders looks at him surprised and replies, 'wow, sir...the law doesn't allow us to give you that many at once. But I can give you three.' So the man, with razorblades in his eyes, staring...
.. sooo true.. lol
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like...
Ed feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to...
Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”. ever since i was a kid..
Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want...
police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to...
George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return...
after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!"
The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking...
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again."
So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again...
when she noticed a Policeman following her.
"Pull over!" the cop announced.
Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.
"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the...
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it.
On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...