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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,376 People

    What did the blanket say

    when it fell off the bed? "Oh Sheet"
    ALetterToElise ALetterToElise 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 14, 2014

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    The Bad Belt Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

    A: He held up a pair of pants.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19, 2014

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 6, 2014

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    Moon Joke

    Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon? Great food but no Atmosphere.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    My friend got fired from his job selling home

    security systems. If no one was home, he would leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
    BendairDundat BendairDundat 61-65, M 1 Response Jul 2, 2014

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 5 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe 41-45, M 3 Responses Mar 3, 2014

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor

    to have a ***** count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Apr 7

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    Man walks into a bar,

    sits down, takes out a little piano and puts it on the bar. Then pulls a foot tall man out of his other pocket. The 12" man sits at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The bartender is amazed and asks the man, 'How did you get him? He plays so wonderfully". The man...
    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response May 28, 2014

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    Instructions

    I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    some people amaze me some take a joke way to

    serious joke is joke be happy not negative be calm
    deleted deleted 26-30 May 18, 2014

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    A Doctor & an Lawyer

    both Loved d same girl???? .... Doctor daily used to Give her Roses???? .... Bt surprisingly d Lawyer daily gave her an Apple?? .... On being asked by d girl abt dis unusual way of pleasing, There was a Fantastic rply by d Lawyer :- 'AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 3, 2014

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    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 2 Responses Aug 5, 2014

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 22-25, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 51-55, M 4 Responses May 14, 2014

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    Brilliant Woman

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M May 17, 2012

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    Lexus Lexus 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 7, 2007

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 17 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    The Irishman

    An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 9, 2013

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    Have you seen the movie "constipation"?

    it hasn't come out yet.
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 1 Response Mar 9

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    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    A husband and wife are sitting on teir patio

    one day having breakfast. The wife, looking like she's in deep thought, says to her husband, " I f I were to pass away, would you remarry? He says" Let's not talk about such rediculousness. It's too nice a morning. Next morning, she asks the same thing. He say's "Alright! I...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M Dec 10, 2014

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    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response Jun 1, 2014

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    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses May 22, 2012

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    How do polar bears go to the toilet ?

    With their bear bums .....
    mintybear2 mintybear2 41-45, F 1 Response May 27, 2014

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    Blonde's Appendicitis A blonde has sharp pains

    in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19, 2014

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 3 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    Where do most people go

    after they die?
    TheTofuMaster TheTofuMaster 22-25, M 1 Response Sep 16, 2014

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    I was at my little stepsister's kindergarten

    end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
    hornewrecked hornewrecked 16-17, F 1 Response Jun 19, 2014

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    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

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    Lawyer Experiments Q: Why have scientists

    started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19, 2014

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    HARLEY vs GOD Arthur Davidson,

    of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 2 Responses Dec 1, 2014

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    A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette were

    discussing their pregnancies The Brunette says "I'm having a baby girl because my lover was on top of me when we conceived!" The Redhead pipes up "I'm having a boy! I was on top of my lover when we conceived!" The blonde, distraught, breaks down and starts crying. The other two...
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 1 Response Oct 17, 2014

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    A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm

    in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    you doing? A lone tourist

    who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Apr 2

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    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 21 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    powerfulsubtle powerfulsubtle 26-30, M Oct 25, 2014

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    Pull Over Sara was driving home from work

    when she noticed a Policeman following her. "Pull over!" the cop announced. Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her. "You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by

    train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot. They all board the train. The...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Apr 9

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    A racist walks into a crowded bar.

    He looks around and sees a black man sat in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 7

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    The Toast

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest Of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The night...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 23, 2013

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    I Love A Good Joke

    Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”.  ever since i was a kid.. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for...
    Vijijcob Vijijcob 41-45, M 3 Responses Dec 19, 2011

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    A guy goes into a bar.

    He sees a sign that says Hand Jobs $10.00! Ham Sandwich $5.00! He says ma'am are you the one who gives the Hand Jobs? She says why yes Sugar I am! He says well wash your damn hands then and make me a Ham Sandwich!
    PacerFan24 PacerFan24 41-45, M Sep 14, 2014