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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,592 People

    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 51-55, M 3 Responses May 14, 2014

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    The Surprise Birthday Dinner :

    One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 8 Responses Feb 22, 2013

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    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses May 22, 2012

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    Pull Over Sara was driving home from work

    when she noticed a Policeman following her. "Pull over!" the cop announced. Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her. "You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    A psychology student likes studying

    and when "it" another (he/she) person said something to the student about eating cheese with its toes, the student became confuzzeld o.O Then began to get upset, logic wasn't comprehending in the brain. Mayday! Mayday! The student's brain freaked. Afterwards, the "it" person...
    Luminousaurora Luminousaurora 22-25, F May 3

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    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 25, 2013

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    Moon Joke

    Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon? Great food but no Atmosphere.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor

    to have a ***** count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Apr 7

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    I was at my little stepsister's kindergarten

    end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
    hornewrecked hornewrecked 16-17, F 1 Response Jun 19, 2014

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    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 5 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    When George Washington was crossing the

    Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A lawyer runs a stop sign

    and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer and has a better education than a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign...
    DropsOfRain DropsOfRain 22-25, F 1 Response Apr 27

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 3 Responses Aug 5, 2014

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    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

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    The Drunk A cop is staking out a bar

    for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A Doctor & an Lawyer

    both Loved d same girl???? .... Doctor daily used to Give her Roses???? .... Bt surprisingly d Lawyer daily gave her an Apple?? .... On being asked by d girl abt dis unusual way of pleasing, There was a Fantastic rply by d Lawyer :- 'AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 3, 2014

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    Instructions

    I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 21 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was

    lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 16 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 3 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    Now that is a puzzler .

    .. Hahaha Just shows you how the mind is basically the solution and issue in everything . Haha See photo .
    Gemma3sahara Gemma3sahara 31-35, F 1 Response Dec 4, 2014

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    Have you seen the movie "constipation"?

    it hasn't come out yet.
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 1 Response Mar 9

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    My friend got fired from his job selling home

    security systems. If no one was home, he would leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
    BendairDundat BendairDundat 61-65, M 1 Response Jul 2, 2014

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    The Black Canyon Biker A man decided

    that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

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    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 2 Responses May 2

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe 41-45, M 4 Responses Mar 3, 2014

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    A man tells a doctor,

    "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    you doing? A lone tourist

    who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Apr 2

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 6, 2014

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    Bubba had shingles. Those of us

    who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    coolio12234 coolio12234 31-35, F 1 Response Mar 13

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 22-25, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    The Irishman

    An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 9, 2013

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    The blonde went one the lingerie store to buy

    some new panties. She asked the sales lady if they could write on the panties for her . Sales lady said yes. The blonde wanted them to write, "If you can read this, you're too close." The sales lady said they could and asked if she wanted block or script letters. The blonde...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Mar 21

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    Kids in the back seat cause accidents;

    accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Three women die together in an accident

    and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...
    run23456 run23456 46-50, M 4 Responses Jul 10, 2014

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