I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,219 People

    Wife: Honey will you still kiss me

    even if I get fat? Husband: Of course hun, Goodbye kiss..
    shriie shriie
    22-25, F
    2 Responses Jan 18

    One time I said to this kid

    if you want the most hilarious joke ever look in a mirror
    smitlord smitlord
    18-21, M
    Feb 9

    A: Where did you hide the nutella?

    B: I'm nutelling you
    shriie shriie
    22-25, F
    4 Responses Oct 29, 2015

    Two students were arguing

    when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 28, 2015

    I went to a bookstore

    and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
    DannibalLecter99 DannibalLecter99
    16-17, M
    1 Response Sep 16, 2015

    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle
    46-50, F
    10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Mar 3, 2014

    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767
    46-50, F
    4 Responses Oct 31, 2011

    HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND : A woman writes to the

    IT Technical support Guy :- Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Dec 25, 2015

    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart
    13-15
    2 Responses Aug 5, 2014

    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Sep 10, 2013

    Friendship Goes Far...

    there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them.. bob and todd... todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee. while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling. todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened. bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
    waitingtoberecognized waitingtoberecognized
    18-21, F
    3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

    I am eight letter word,

    children hate my first four letter word, but they like my last four letter word. Female bear me as a name who am i ?
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Dec 1, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 28, 2015

    Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?

    " Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2015

    The headmaster called me into his office today

    and said: "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible??" I replied: "No I'm irresponsible, that's why I threw it!"
    Finlay27 Finlay27
    13-15, M
    Oct 28, 2015

    Three women die together in an accident

    and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...
    run23456 run23456
    46-50, M
    4 Responses Jul 10, 2014

    If you are depressed ,

    you are living in the past.If you are anxious,you are living in the future.If you are at peace,you are living in the present.past is a waste paper.present is a newspaper and future is a question paper.
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    1 Response Dec 8, 2015

    Cop: "Did you kill this man?

    " Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    3 Responses Oct 31, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Oct 27, 2015

    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002
    51-55, M
    3 Responses May 14, 2014

    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Jun 6, 2014

    Why is Peter Pan always flying?

    Because he Neverlands
    shriie shriie
    22-25, F
    1 Response Oct 29, 2015

    The British are feeling the pinch in relation

    to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out...
    milander milander
    41-45, M
    1 Response Jan 5

    A blonde, a redhead,

    and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 29, 2015

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 28, 2015

    husband : today is Sunday

    and I want to enjoy today so I have bought three movie tickets wife : why three ? husband : for you and your parents
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul
    22-25, M
    Oct 30, 2015

    Do I know you? A gorgeous blond woman is

    waving to the man who seems he's seen her before. - Do I know you ?, he asks and gets the answer: - If I'm not mistaken, you are the father of one of my children. He thinks about the only time he has made a mistake, and says: - ****, you're the ******** I did on the pool table...
    Onlyheart Onlyheart
    36-40, F
    1 Response Mar 25
    iceKREEm iceKREEm
    31-35, F
    Mar 18

    Johnny Akpos Bestie Johnny was on high speed,

    he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side. After carrying 990 blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his Primary School classmate Akpos, so Johnny went...
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    1 Response Feb 8

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first

    football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 31, 2015

    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?

    " Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 29, 2015

    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68
    41-45, F
    2 Responses Aug 6, 2012

    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life
    46-50, M
    18 Responses Apr 7, 2012
    sexlessinne sexlessinne
    41-45, M
    Oct 27, 2015

    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses May 22, 2012

    Teen: Mom stop it you're not

    even good with jokes. Mom: I made you.
    shriie shriie
    22-25, F
    Dec 8, 2015

    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

    Sorry but this one is funny.

    ..A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses Oct 29, 2015

    Do you know where pickpockets goes to rehab?

    They are sent on a 4-week stay in a nudist camp!
    Onlyheart Onlyheart
    36-40, F
    1 Response Mar 25
    Marjorie98 Marjorie98
    18-21, F
    Oct 28, 2015

    Akpos Cheats Judge, A lawyer at a court

    defending akpos accused of stealing said; my client put only his right hand into the window and removed a few things. His right hand is not himself, i can?t see how you will punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his right hand. The Judge said; ok, using your...
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Feb 8

    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    12 Responses Aug 16, 2013

    How many tickles does it take to make an

    octopus laugh?............. Tentickles
    shriie shriie
    22-25, F
    1 Response Nov 1, 2015

    Man : God, why girls are

    so beautiful and wives are so boring ? God : because I make girls and you make wives
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul
    22-25, M
    1 Response Oct 29, 2015

    A : my uncle has everything from a

    little cycle to a big aeroplane B : what is your uncle's profession ? A : he has a toy shop
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul
    22-25, M
    Oct 28, 2015

    A lawyer runs a stop sign

    and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer and has a better education than a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign...
    DropsOfRain DropsOfRain
    26-30, F
    1 Response Apr 27, 2015

    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu
    26-30, F
    7 Responses Jun 30, 2013

    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life
    46-50, M
    4 Responses Apr 7, 2012

    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Aug 25, 2013
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