and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...
For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again."
So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had.
As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows:
"Why are you using such a long password?" he asked.
"You told me to!" she replied.
No offence, okay?!
Death row in women's prison. Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts...
and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer and has a better education than a sheriff.
The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign...
football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each...
to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out...
he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side.
After carrying 990 blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his Primary School classmate Akpos, so Johnny went...
IT Technical support Guy :-
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5...
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two...
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog
while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling...
when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn...
you are living in the past.If you are anxious,you are living in the future.If you are at peace,you are living in the present.past is a waste paper.present is a newspaper and future is a question paper.
A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked
'Hunting flies' he responded
'Oh. Killed any?' she asked
'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies
Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?'
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer...
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them..
bob and todd...
todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee.
while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling.
todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened.
bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
defending akpos accused of
stealing said; my client put only his right hand
into the window and removed a few things. His
right hand is not himself, i can?t see how you will
punish the whole individual for an offence
committed by his right hand.
The Judge said; ok, using your...
George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return...
Thought I would share it with you.
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no...