There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the...
and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of...
end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
the air was soft and still.
A little robin came and sat
upon my window sill.
He tipped his head and looked at me,
with eyes so bright and clear,
and chirped a little melody,
my morning thoughts to cheer.
His song he sang so sweetly,
with not a moment's lull.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
Of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
Toast of The night...
He sees a sign that says Hand Jobs $10.00! Ham Sandwich $5.00! He says ma'am are you the one who gives the Hand Jobs? She says why yes Sugar I am! He says well wash your damn hands then and make me a Ham Sandwich!
important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine...
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No...
down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it.
On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...
act at this year's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner [Part 2]:"While we are talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story. An American won the Boston Marathon for the first time in 30 years.... Which was inspiring and only fair since a Kenyan has been president...
when she noticed a Policeman following her.
"Pull over!" the cop announced.
Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.
"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
Thought I would share it with you.
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked
'Hunting flies' he responded
'Oh. Killed any?' she asked
'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies
Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?'
George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want...
Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink...
sits down, takes out a little piano and puts it on the bar. Then pulls a foot tall man out of his other pocket. The 12" man sits at the piano and starts playing beautiful music.
The bartender is amazed and asks the man, 'How did you get him? He plays so wonderfully".
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...
is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to...
there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them..
bob and todd...
todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee.
while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling.
todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened.
bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”. ever since i was a kid..
Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for...
A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had.
As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows:
"Why are you using such a long password?" he asked.
"You told me to!" she replied.
the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was...
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
who would grant him one wish.
The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?"
The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all...
A Lady went to the store tobuy a parrot and asks the salesperson "What's so specialabout the parrot ?"Sales person" this parrot cantalk" So the lady asks theparrot " how do i look?" Theparrot replies " you look like aprostitute?"The lady gets pissed off andtells the sales person...
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a...
When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay"
Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay."
God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..."
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer...
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again."
So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be...