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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,308 People

    Friendship Goes Far...

    there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them.. bob and todd... todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee. while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling. todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened. bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
    waitingtoberecognized waitingtoberecognized 18-21, F 3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 21 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 5 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    husband : today is Sunday

    and I want to enjoy today so I have bought three movie tickets wife : why three ? husband : for you and your parents
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul 22-25, M 1 Response Oct 30, 2015

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    One for us blondes. Sowwee.

    No offence, okay?! Death row in women's prison. Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts...
    SapphicHeart SapphicHeart 41-45, F 3 Responses Aug 17, 2015

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    Late Night Phone Call To The Vet A dog

    lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    I went to a bookstore

    and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
    DannibalLecter99 DannibalLecter99 16-17, M 1 Response Sep 16, 2015

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    LITTLE JOHNNY... THE BIRDS AND THE BEES Little

    Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no...
    SapphicHeart SapphicHeart 41-45, F 4 Responses Aug 6, 2015

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    Johnny Akpos Bestie Johnny was on high speed,

    he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side. After carrying 990 blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his Primary School classmate Akpos, so Johnny went...
    newport50 newport50 18-21, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 51-55, M 3 Responses May 14, 2014

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    HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND : A woman writes to the

    IT Technical support Guy :- Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5...
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 3 Responses Dec 25, 2015

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    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?

    " Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 2 Responses Oct 29, 2015

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    Marjorie98 Marjorie98 16-17, F Oct 28, 2015

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    How many tickles does it take to make an

    octopus laugh?............. Tentickles
    shriie shriie 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 1, 2015

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 26-30, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    I am eight letter word,

    children hate my first four letter word, but they like my last four letter word. Female bear me as a name who am i ?
    newport50 newport50 18-21, M 2 Responses Dec 1, 2015

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 2 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 2 Responses Oct 28, 2015

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    Wife: Honey will you still kiss me

    even if I get fat? Husband: Of course hun, Goodbye kiss..
    shriie shriie 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 18

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    Teen: Mom stop it you're not

    even good with jokes. Mom: I made you.
    shriie shriie 22-25, F 1 Response Dec 8, 2015

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    Two students were arguing

    when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn...
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 28, 2015

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    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 28, 2015

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 6, 2014

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    Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?

    " Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F Oct 28, 2015

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 4 Responses Aug 25, 2013

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    The British are feeling the pinch in relation

    to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out...
    milander milander 41-45, M Jan 5

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    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

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    Dad: What do you want

    for your birthday? Son: A girlfriend that's not crazy Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
    Cherbelle Cherbelle 41-45, F 7 Responses Jun 7, 2015

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    A lawyer runs a stop sign

    and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer and has a better education than a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign...
    DropsOfRain DropsOfRain 26-30, F 1 Response Apr 27, 2015

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    The headmaster called me into his office today

    and said: "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible??" I replied: "No I'm irresponsible, that's why I threw it!"
    Finlay27 Finlay27 13-15, M Oct 28, 2015

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    A-. I was born in California.

    B-. .Which part?A-All of me. .
    whitesunshine87 whitesunshine87 51-55, F 1 Response Oct 28, 2015

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    Why is Peter Pan always flying?

    Because he Neverlands
    shriie shriie 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 29, 2015

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    Man : God, why girls are

    so beautiful and wives are so boring ? God : because I make girls and you make wives
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul 22-25, M 1 Response Oct 29, 2015

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    If you are depressed ,

    you are living in the past.If you are anxious,you are living in the future.If you are at peace,you are living in the present.past is a waste paper.present is a newspaper and future is a question paper.
    newport50 newport50 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 8, 2015

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    A: Where did you hide the nutella?

    B: I'm nutelling you
    shriie shriie 22-25, F 7 Responses Oct 29, 2015

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Oct 27, 2015

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    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first

    football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each...
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F Oct 31, 2015

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 5 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    Sorry but this one is funny.

    ..A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are...
    beautyndbeast beautyndbeast 22-25, F 6 Responses Oct 29, 2015

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 13 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    Cop: "Did you kill this man?

    " Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
    newport50 newport50 18-21, M 3 Responses Oct 31, 2015

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    A : my uncle has everything from a

    little cycle to a big aeroplane B : what is your uncle's profession ? A : he has a toy shop
    SupremeSoul SupremeSoul 22-25, M 1 Response Oct 28, 2015

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 3 Responses Aug 5, 2014

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