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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,177 People

    Where do most people go

    after they die?
    TheTofuMaster TheTofuMaster 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A Parrot Experience

    A Lady went to the store tobuy a parrot and asks the salesperson "What's so specialabout the parrot ?"Sales person" this parrot cantalk" So the lady asks theparrot " how do i look?" Theparrot replies " you look like aprostitute?"The lady gets pissed off andtells the sales person...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M 4 Responses May 18, 2012

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    I was at my little stepsister's kindergarten

    end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
    hornewrecked hornewrecked 16-17, F 1 Response Jun 19

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    The Toast

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest Of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The night...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 23, 2013

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    A guy goes into a bar.

    He sees a sign that says Hand Jobs $10.00! Ham Sandwich $5.00! He says ma'am are you the one who gives the Hand Jobs? She says why yes Sugar I am! He says well wash your damn hands then and make me a Ham Sandwich!
    PacerFan24 PacerFan24 41-45, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Lawyer Experiments Q: Why have scientists

    started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 2 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    The Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 22 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    The Surprise Birthday Dinner :

    One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 8 Responses Feb 22, 2013

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    The Bad Belt Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

    A: He held up a pair of pants.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    The graduate with a science degree asks,

    "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" LOL
    afoolishheart afoolishheart 46-50, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm

    in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 24

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    Moon Joke

    Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon? Great food but no Atmosphere.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    Man walks into a bar,

    sits down, takes out a little piano and puts it on the bar. Then pulls a foot tall man out of his other pocket. The 12" man sits at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The bartender is amazed and asks the man, 'How did you get him? He plays so wonderfully". The man...
    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response May 28

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    dom2182 dom2182 31-35, M 1 Response Jun 1

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    Infants At The Horse Races

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys...
    roots2life roots2life 46-50, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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    The Train Ride

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Aug 22, 2013

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    Drowning Lawyer Q: How do you stop a lawyer

    from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    The children had all been photographed,

    and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response May 29

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 17 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    What did the blanket say

    when it fell off the bed? "Oh Sheet"
    ALetterToElise ALetterToElise 18-21, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Brilliant Woman

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M May 17, 2012

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    Exile In The Desert

    Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 21, 2013

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    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),

    Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 2

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    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 46-50, M 4 Responses May 14

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    Pull Over Sara was driving home from work

    when she noticed a Policeman following her. "Pull over!" the cop announced. Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her. "You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    Lexus Lexus 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 7, 2007

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    A man found a magic genie

    who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M May 28

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
    jenga1 jenga1 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 22-25, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    I Love A Good Joke

    Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”.  ever since i was a kid.. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for...
    Vijijcob Vijijcob 41-45, M 3 Responses Dec 19, 2011

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    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    Aurinne Aurinne 36-40, F 4 Responses May 22, 2012

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    The Irishman

    An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He grabs, rubs it, and out pops a genie who says "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 9, 2013

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    A guy left three notes scattered around the

    house for his girlfriend. With the words: "Will", „you" and „me?“. Now if *that* doesn’t keep her busy while he watches football on TV...
    jenga1 jenga1 46-50, F 11 hrs ago

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    Friendship Goes Far...

    there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them.. bob and todd... todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee. while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling. todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened. bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
    waitingtoberecognized waitingtoberecognized 16-17, F 3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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    My friend got fired from his job selling home

    security systems. If no one was home, he would leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
    Ludwigdrummerboy Ludwigdrummerboy 61-65, M 2 Responses Jul 2

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    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 25, 2013

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 2 Responses Aug 5

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    Three engineering students were gathered

    together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No...
    afoolishheart afoolishheart 46-50, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Instructions

    I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    Blonde's Appendicitis A blonde has sharp pains

    in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
    hich1982 hich1982 31-35, M Jun 19

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    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of

    the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 6

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    A champion jockey is about to enter an

    important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jun 2

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    some people amaze me some take a joke way to

    serious joke is joke be happy not negative be calm
    deleted deleted 26-30 May 18

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    When I awoke this morning,

    the air was soft and still. A little robin came and sat upon my window sill. He tipped his head and looked at me, with eyes so bright and clear, and chirped a little melody, my morning thoughts to cheer. His song he sang so sweetly, with not a moment's lull. I gently...
    Byron8by7 Byron8by7 46-50, M Jul 21

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 36-40, M 3 Responses Jun 6

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe 41-45, M 3 Responses Mar 3

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    So there's this man with a parrot.

    And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 7

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    A juggler, driving to his next performance,

    is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 8

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    How do polar bears go to the toilet ?

    With their bear bums .....
    mintybear2 mintybear2 41-45, F 2 Responses May 27

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    Three women die together in an accident

    and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to...