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I Like a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,698 People

    Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by

    train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot. They all board the train. The...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Apr 9

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    What is the difference between in-laws

    and out laws? Only one is wanted.
    newlifeforme73 newlifeforme73 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 6, 2014

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    two guys get hired on a construction job they

    didn't expect and after a few days they noticed the boss always left an hour early. so being the fullest knife in the drawer they decide that after the boss leaves they would wait fifteen minutes and leave too and so who would know. ..So sure enough the next the boss leaves and...
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 2

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big

    boobs When I was 16, I dated a girl with big boobs but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and...
    JackisMe JackisMe 41-45, M 4 Responses Mar 3, 2014

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    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    "Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named

    Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." –Seth Meyers
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Jun 12

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    A Parrot Experience

    A Lady went to the store tobuy a parrot and asks the salesperson "What's so specialabout the parrot ?"Sales person" this parrot cantalk" So the lady asks theparrot " how do i look?" Theparrot replies " you look like aprostitute?"The lady gets pissed off andtells the sales person...
    Opiah1 Opiah1 18-21, M 5 Responses May 18, 2012

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    you doing? A lone tourist

    who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Apr 2

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    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response Jun 22

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    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    When George Washington was crossing the

    Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Pull Over Sara was driving home from work

    when she noticed a Policeman following her. "Pull over!" the cop announced. Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her. "You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    How to tell the sex of a fly.

    A woman walked into the kitchen to see her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked 'Hunting flies' he responded 'Oh. Killed any?' she asked 'Yep, 3 males and two females.' He replies Intrigued, she asked 'how can you tell them apart?' He...
    ConcealedWildheart ConcealedWildheart 13-15 3 Responses Aug 5, 2014

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    The Ladle

    Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 31, 2011

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    Relatives.... A couple drove several miles

    down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

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    A redneck family from outside Little Rock was

    visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Moon Joke

    Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon? Great food but no Atmosphere.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    A friend sent this to me.

    Thought I would share it with you. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you...
    over1002 over1002 51-55, M 3 Responses May 14, 2014

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    Birthdays

    For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again." So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 25, 2013

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    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 2 Responses May 2

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    The Surprise Birthday Dinner :

    One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 8 Responses Feb 22, 2013

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    Kids in the back seat cause accidents;

    accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A woman awakes in the middle of the night to

    find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M 2 Responses May 9

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    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 10, 2013

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    After the North American Beer Festival,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was

    lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    I was at my little stepsister's kindergarten

    end of the year ceremony, and the town we live in is heavily Polish. So I was in the outside bleachers watching all the children get called up to shake their principal's hand and take a little goodie bag, and they called first and last names, and I found it funny how many Polish...
    hornewrecked hornewrecked 16-17, F 1 Response Jun 19, 2014

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    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    2nd Amendment Rights

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer...
    daddysgirl68 daddysgirl68 41-45, F 2 Responses Aug 6, 2012

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Computer Password

    A guy was helping his girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" "Why are you using such a long password?" he asked. "You told me to!" she replied. "What! I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 15 Responses Aug 16, 2013

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    The Black Canyon Biker A man decided

    that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Instructions

    I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 8, 2013

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    Not Sure If It's Funny ..

    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.I was like OMg!
    Daiyu Daiyu 22-25, F 8 Responses Jun 30, 2013

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    Friendship Goes Far...

    there once were 2 friends hunting. lets name them.. bob and todd... todd needed to take a pee break so they stopped to pee. while todd pee'd a snake came from nowhere and bit his dingling. todd screamed in pain as bob asked wut happened. bob saw the bite and said wait here I'll...
    waitingtoberecognized waitingtoberecognized 16-17, F 3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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    "Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her

    campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers
    jopava jopava 56-60, M Jun 12

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    Judgment Day

    George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return...
    Aristartle Aristartle 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 25, 2008

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    Standing Up To Pee

    God: "Okay Adam, Eve. Now, that I'm done creating everything, I have a couple of extras. Adam, I'll let you choose first, which you want and Eve will get the other. Okay" Adam & Eve: "Sure. Okay." God: "Good. Now first, I have 'the ability to pee standing up'..." Adam...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses May 22, 2012

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    A racist walks into a crowded bar.

    He looks around and sees a black man sat in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 7

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    A psychology student likes studying

    and when "it" another (he/she) person said something to the student about eating cheese with its toes, the student became confuzzeld o.O Then began to get upset, logic wasn't comprehending in the brain. Mayday! Mayday! The student's brain freaked. Afterwards, the "it" person...
    Luminousaurora Luminousaurora 22-25, F May 3

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    The Drunk A cop is staking out a bar

    for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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