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I Like Bad Puns

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 537 People

    A blind man walks into a bar.

    And a table. And a chair.
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M Apr 10, 2014

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    we were talking about the rising cost of eggs

    this weekend in which I said in the most cheesy tone, "it's getting 'egg'spensive"
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 5 Responses Jun 8

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Sep 8, 2014

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    “The cardiovascular system is a work of

    artery, but is also really vein.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 14

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    What do idiots drink?

    soduhhhhhh What do you call it went to dogs on separate planes fly past each other? A dog fight What does soda call their dad? pop
    smitlord smitlord 16-17, M Jul 6

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    There was a prison break

    and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    The Baker

    A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 14, 2013

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    “My dentist is sneaky.

    He pulled a fast one!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 21

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 17, 2014

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    I have some pretty bad ones I walked into my

    sisters room and tripped on a bra it was a booby trap I heard two peanuts walked to the park one was assaulted I'm reading a book on antigravity it's impossible to put down its not that the guy couldn't juggle he just didn't a have the balls to do it I tried to catch fog...
    natsufairy12 natsufairy12 13-15, M 2 Responses Jul 1

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    So two hats were on a coat hanger,

    one hat says to the other: "stay back, i'll go on a head"
    itsybitsyfrosty itsybitsyfrosty 16-17, M 1 Response Jul 6

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    Before they hatch, go to the bank

    and open a chicken egg count.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 17

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    “My phone has to wear glasses ever

    since it lost its contacts."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 8

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    Ouch!

    Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New...
    EBunbury EBunbury 46-50, M 9 Responses Mar 17, 2009

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    The elderly chef retired

    because his sage was showing.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26, 2014

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    When I saw the depressed mathematician,

    I asked “What sum adder with you?”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    Hyst3ria Hyst3ria 18-21 4 Responses Jun 22

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    Talk to the pants, cause the hands are busy!

    Why is it a sin to tan? Just Cos Oh gosh I can't think of many more I wish I was your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves<--- super cool maths pickup line Heaps more out there somewhere...
    Ambititer Ambititer 16-17, M 1 Response May 21

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 7, 2013

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    So I saw a picture of Dwane the Rock Johnson

    hugging a rock, the caption was "Love Yourself" I laughed harder than I should have
    diabetits diabetits 16-17, F May 27

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    You know the problem with grapes these days.

    People just aren't raisin them right.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 19

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    “I'm reading a book about mazes,

    I got lost in it.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    A Bicycle

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 15, 2013

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    A punch to the side of the head,

    aka a knuckle ear missile.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 23

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    A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196

    of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M 4 Responses Apr 10, 2014

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    “I tried talking to my dentist during a

    cleaning, but my words got flossed in translation.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 27

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 12

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    I like bad puns. Examples: "I changed my

    iPod's name to Titantic. It's syncing now." "How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it." "Velcro, what a rip off!" "This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
    immieomg immieomg 26-30, F 3 Responses Feb 23, 2014

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    He was worried he would get a parking ticket.

    It was a case of mind over meter.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 22

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    “Pocket bread stuffed with pocket bread makes

    a pitaful excuse for a sandwich.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 29

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 12

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26, 2014

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    “I went out with a coal miner's daughter.

    I guess you could say I was carbon dated.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 2

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 18

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    “The doorway was crushed

    when the transom was taken for ransom.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 14

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    If a Russian soldier struggles to get your

    drink fast but did it on purpose, is he RUSSIAN or is he STALIN?
    ImAMechanicalAnimal ImAMechanicalAnimal 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 18

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    dynosophical dynosophical 26-30, M 2 Responses Nov 26, 2014

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    “When the golfer with a serious iron

    deficiency went back to the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not out of the woods.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 4

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    “Murder with knives is very messy,

    and I suggest not taking a stab at it.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 15, 2014

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    When the equation didn't balance out,

    it messed with the student's equilibrium.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 15

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    I will tell you a Chemistry joke

    but I know I would not get a reaction.
    whitesunshine87 whitesunshine87 51-55, F 4 Responses Apr 26

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    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in

    Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins...
    adianoeta adianoeta 26-30, F 1 Response Feb 8

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    My friend's addicted to drinking brake fluid,

    but he says he can "stop" any time he wants!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Apr 15

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    “I was accused of stealing a house,

    but all charges were dropped as the claims were without foundation.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 8

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    This guy at school made a basketball shot.

    I yelled out BLACK MAGIC!! I'm not sorry
    BlossomTheMeganium BlossomTheMeganium 26-30, M May 18

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