I Like Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,099 People

    Your lips are loaded gun,

    filled with words that could kill ME..
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    1 Response Jun 11, 2014

    "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my

    grandfather did-in his sleep. Not like the screaming, yelling passengers in his car"- Bob Monkhouse.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Apr 17, 2015

    Before having a kid the most important thing to

    ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 4, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 11, 2015

    had an apartment and I had a neighbor,

    and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side...
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    1 Response Sep 4, 2015

    Another one-Dj Khaled This should be a

    default notification sound for ally who want..another one..
    AnthonyFerreira1997 AnthonyFerreira1997
    18-21, M
    Feb 20, 2016

    I was at this casino minding my own business,

    and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 2, 2015

    Stop worrying about the world ending today.

    It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles M. Schulz
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response May 26, 2014

    “Thin people are beautiful

    but fat people are adorable!” - Jackie Gleason
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    2 Responses Aug 25, 2015

    "I hate when I'm singing along to a song

    and the artist gets the words wrong." - Unknown
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response Aug 21, 2014

    "I have to say, Mr.Spiggot.

    I rather like your right leg!" "It is a perfect example of a right leg! I have nothing against your right leg!" "The problem is. Neither do you!" Peter Cook to Dudley Moore.
    picklebobble picklebobble
    51-55, M
    Aug 26, 2015

    I don't like people who take drugs.

    Customs agents, for example. ~Author Unknown
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    Nov 4, 2015

    You don't know something?

    .... Google it. You don't know someone? ..... Facebook it You don't know find something? .... MOM!!!!
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response Jun 13, 2014

    HEARTS are wild creatures,

    that' why our RIBS are cages.
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    1 Response Jun 11, 2014

    This may not be funny to everyone.

    ..You can say it to us, women toobut, well I posted it first...hahah!Let me have my mean day, once in awhile ok...OK?
    0nOpalsMind 0nOpalsMind
    41-45, F
    Aug 11, 2015

    One day your prince will come.

    Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions! LOL!!!!
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    3 Responses Jun 18, 2014

    " All I need are some me tasty waves,

    a cool buzz, and I'm fine. " Spicoli
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Nov 5, 2015

    Growing older is mandatory.

    Growing up is optional.
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    1 Response Jun 2, 2014
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    May 31, 2014

    My HEAD says, "who cares?

    " But then my HEART whispers, "you do, stupid..."
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    Jul 13, 2014

    Do not argue with an idiot.

    He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses May 12, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 6, 2015

    many cheeks do you have?

    Four…count them.
    TheNightAfter TheNightAfter
    26-30, M
    Dec 21, 2015

    An escalator can never break: it can only

    become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 2, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Aug 26, 2015

    If you are living your life without giving a

    "f" , then you are living a Li[ ]e.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    5 Responses Oct 6, 2015

    I don't have an attitude problem.

    I just have a personality that you can't handle.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 6, 2015

    Any man who can drive safely

    while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses May 2, 2015

    In Bed, it's 6am ... you close your eyes

    for 5 minutes, its 7:45 At work, its 1:30 ... Close your eyes for 5 minutes and its 1:31 LOL!!!
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response Jul 1, 2014

    I read recipes the same way I read science

    fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses May 21, 2015

    You know, I'm sick of following my dreams,

    man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus? I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana...
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 2, 2015

    When I die, I want to go peacefully like my

    grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses May 28, 2015

    I was in the car with my mam

    and we were driving through the Tyne tunnel and she said: I wonder where they put the water.
    evildemondoll evildemondoll
    18-21, F
    Feb 15, 2016

    A thief broke into my house last night.

    .. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him =))
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    2 Responses May 24, 2014
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 18, 2015
    HELPTAKENhelpused HELPTAKENhelpused
    26-30, M
    2 Responses Oct 28, 2015

    Fact: Right now, right this second,

    someone is reading this statement.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 3, 2016

    Do I like my coffee black?

    There are other colors? ~Author Unknown
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    3 Responses Aug 25, 2015

    When a woman asks WHAT?

    She is not asking you to repeat yourself, she is giving you a chance to change what you said.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses May 1, 2015

    you know you're getting old

    when you have to wear your glasses in the shower to shave your legs =))
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    3 Responses May 24, 2014
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jun 8, 2015

    THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER An

    application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account! And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out! Compress was something you did to garbage...
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    Dec 15, 2014

    Mae West and Yogi Berra are the funniest.

    But the one that has had the most influence on me is from Pascal, French XVII-century gambler, mathematician, writer and religious mystic: "Please forgive me for writing such a long letter. I didn't have time to write a shorter one."
    tyrihans45 tyrihans45
    70+, M
    1 Response Sep 21, 2015

    Dear math; Please grow up

    and solve your own problems. I am tired of solving them for you.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    5 Responses Jun 20, 2015

    Caffeine isn't a drug,

    it's a vitamin! ~Author Unknown
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response Aug 25, 2015

    I love asking kids what they want to be

    when they grow up because I'm still looking for some ideas.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jun 22, 2015

    Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf,

    show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 4, 2015

    I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining

    why I'm right :-) ^_^
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 19, 2015

    I don’t want to brag

    or make anybody jealous .... but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school - Unknown
    chocomint chocomint
    51-55, F
    1 Response Nov 9, 2015

    Search Mike Tyson quotes he has to be the

    unintentionally funniest person in the world
    sirnatural sirnatural
    41-45, M
    Jan 22, 2016

    I believe that if life gives you lemons,

    you should make lemonade....and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response May 9, 2015

    I hate TWO FACED people,

    it makes it harder for me to decide which side to slap first....
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    1 Response May 26, 2014

    I know a lot about cars,

    man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ^_^
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 2, 2015

    Respect your parents.

    They passed their school without google.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jun 17, 2015

    It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't

    know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
    cashetty69 cashetty69
    51-55, M
    Sep 2, 2015
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