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I Like Funny Stories

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 886 People

    Clearer Instructions

    I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon. I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "***** down, facing me." Well, I needed the groceries, so I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    Lol

    I read this one in a magazine: Me and my friend went to the supermarket to buy tampax and we didn't know where they were so we asked a shop assistant. She then asked us whether we wanted the ones that you push in with your thumb or the ones that you hammer...
    llama4lifex0x0 llama4lifex0x0 18-21, F 4 Responses Apr 7, 2010

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    Finally this age-old question is answered:

    Is giving child birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to...
    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M 4 Responses Apr 20

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    Knock Knock

    "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Bobby Valentine" "Who?"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 21, 2013

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    Last week I ordered food online not realizing I

    sent the order to my friend's house who lives 45 minutes away. That is because I ordered at their house previously and I wanted the same meal I had there so I just hit the reorder button without checking the address. Once the delivery arrived, he called saying he is outside...
    pancakequeen pancakequeen 22-25, F Feb 10

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    I had a teacher in middle school

    who would read us stories by Pat McManus. They were hilarious and sweet.
    utahwriter utahwriter 36-40, M Jun 8

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    Murphy says to Paddy!

    What ya talking into an envelope at me for Paddy? Paddys says " Murphy you stupid man Im trying to send you s voicemail"
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Arrived Safely

    Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    Midge's Baked Chicken Recipe

    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try! 4 - 5 lb...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 20, 2013

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    I am reposting this after I read it in another

    EP group. :) 50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 3

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    There was a couple sleeping.

    The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried. Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.” Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.” Wife responded loudly...
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 6 days ago

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    I just got back from my friends funeral this

    morning. He died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service....!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    When I was young I decided to go to medical

    school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters P N E I S & form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today,
    thoughtfulheart thoughtfulheart 46-50, F 2 Responses Mar 31

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    Cosplaygirl Cosplaygirl 18-21, F Jun 12

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    Code Word

    There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commiteed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    Drunken Wisdom #1

    Never sing in the shower, singing leads to dancing and dancing leads to slipping, lets face it, the staff down at A&E are never going to believe how the shampoo bottle really did get lodged up there.
    Butterflyshoes Butterflyshoes 22-25, F 3 Responses Jul 25, 2012

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    Martian Landing

    Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". "Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. The second...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 18, 2013

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    Murphy's Travel Laws

    No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Oct 20, 2013

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    Me Behave ? Seriously !

    !! As a child, I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove at over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac man ran around to digital music...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 8 Responses Apr 11

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    It's always funny when somebody tells you to do

    something but then you forget the next time you see them there all like what the heck didnt I tell you to do that then all you do is stare and go like 😝
    oliviabest oliviabest 22-25, F Apr 26

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    Like Father Like Son

    Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 16, 2013

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    Lost In The Supermarket

    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    The Trick Side

    Peter and Paul were talking about their wives. "Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter. "Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it." "Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter. "Well, not exactly. I sit up and...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 20, 2013

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    BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ

    season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Jun 5

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    My girlfriend invited me to her house where I

    found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting there with me. A few moments go by, then she comes up next to me, and whisper in my ear "we should have sex before my sister comes home." I immediately got up and...
    silverfox54 silverfox54 56-60, F 4 Responses Jun 21

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    Meals On Wheels

    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 5, 2013

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    Ok so, a clown kidnapped's five Muslims

    and locks them in a big freezer. The Muslims are freezing cold, but know that the freezer will unlock itself in one hour and let the Muslims free, because clown told them so. One of the five Muslims so happens to be a doctor, and knows that at the current temperature in the...
    adamfducas adamfducas 22-25, M 1 Response Jun 28

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    A young blonde girl in her late teens,

    wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and Started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 1 Response Feb 25

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    Train Test

    Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 6, 2013

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    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by

    a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his...
    Waywardsilence Waywardsilence 41-45, M 2 Responses May 22

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    A teddy bear is working on a building site

    and goes for a lunch break. When he returns he finds that he has had his pick stolen. The angry bear marches into the fore mans office and reports the theft. The foreman grins at the bear and says " Oh, I forgot too tell you, todays the day the teddy bears have their picks...
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Last night I was in the pub having a beer at

    the bar when I heard 2 idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a plane if they knew the pilot was a woman! I thought "WHAT A PAIR OF SEXISTS" I mean, its not as if she'd have to reverse the darn thing is it!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    "Hello, This Is Customer Service.

    .." Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 1

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    College Pride

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 9, 2013

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    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle

    nutter' who stabbed 8 people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following a pattern!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Walking into the gym

    and catching girls peeping your junk lmao woops
    drydenneal drydenneal 22-25, M Feb 13

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    Trophy Wife

    I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if you're married, thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 3, 2013

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    The class teacher asks students to name an

    animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning...
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 6 days ago

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    Three Guys And The Fridge

    Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, "We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you're in for free." So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    Wrong Email Address

    A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 6 Responses Jul 27, 2013

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    Starbucks

    I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 29, 2013

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    Be careful what you wish for.

    .. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Feb 25

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    Husband Number 10

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 13, 2013

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    Me and my friend Emy were told to get something

    out of the music room by our music teacher and so we went in and when we were leaving i didn't grasp knob hard enough so I thought we were locked! My reaction :::::: HUH? WTF? EMILY!!!!!! WE'RE LOCKED!!!! ( turns knob frantically ) MOMMY HELP!!!!!!!!! LMFAO...
    MyaA13 MyaA13 13-15, F Feb 28

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    Anyone who has a funny story?

    I'll keep it secret :p
    elwonder93 elwonder93 18-21, F Jun 17

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    Women are like iPhones!

    You have to touch them all over before they respond.....Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves! Achievement seems to be connected with action.
    thetheonly thetheonly 18-21, M 1 Response Jul 22

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    We had a sex education class one day at school

    I had gone back to my old form for this one day and I had a lot of trouble with my ex and the form teacher knew we had slept together so what I was about to say after this women came around with the condoms to go on the demonstraighters I started opening it and said "is this a...
    cailowe cailowe 13-15, F 1 Response Apr 22

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    Christmas Train Delay

    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    I Joined Just to Tell This One

    I had several doctors' appointments yesterday, and after they were done, I stopped in 1 of the hospital washrooms on the way out.  Just had to go. From what I heard, there were a few other women in there...not a problem.  One (which I found out...
    IAmStillSomeone IAmStillSomeone 41-45, F 10 Responses Jun 18, 2009

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    Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch

    rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 3

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    Maddog198 Maddog198 16-17, M Jul 26

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    The Customs Of An Irishman

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 1, 2013

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    I went to a gas station a

    while ago to get gas at about 8am. As my car was filling, the guy on the other side of the pump station got into his car and started his engine. He attempted to drive away, when a loud BAM! was heard that made me jump. Turns out, he forgot to take the gas pump out of his car...
    misscoffee misscoffee 22-25, F 1 Response Apr 22

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