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I Like Funny Stories

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,326 People

    A panda walked into a bar.

    He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Jun 12

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    Drunken Wisdom #1

    Never sing in the shower, singing leads to dancing and dancing leads to slipping, lets face it, the staff down at A&E are never going to believe how the shampoo bottle really did get lodged up there.
    Butterflyshoes Butterflyshoes 22-25, F 2 Responses Jul 25, 2012

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    The blind blond walks into the department store

    with her service dog and walks to the middle of the store. Suddenly she starts swinging the service dog around high in the air to everyone's horror. A sales representative runs up close to her and shouts what do you think you are doing. Calmly the blind blond responds why I'm...
    bakfin bakfin 46-50, M Jun 12

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    Lol

    I read this one in a magazine: Me and my friend went to the supermarket to buy tampax and we didn't know where they were so we asked a shop assistant. She then asked us whether we wanted the ones that you push in with your thumb or the ones that you hammer...
    llama4lifex0x0 llama4lifex0x0 18-21, F 4 Responses Apr 7, 2010

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    So there's this girl at my school

    that took a picture of herself shoving a Head and Shoulders shampoo bottle in her vagina. It was not a small bottle. And it had that square shape at the bottom. Jesus.
    AshleyWCSloth AshleyWCSloth 16-17, F 4 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I have a funny (but gross) story

    for everyone... So a couple of days ago at the nail salon, a lady walked in. Her attitude was very rude, obnoxious and ghetto. She was basically bossing the nail technician around trying to skip people ahead of her. Everyone told her off and explained that it isnt fair to skip...
    mandycandy0123 mandycandy0123 16-17, F Jun 14

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    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his...
    Shivang05 Shivang05 22-25, M Jun 17

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    When the waitress says "enjoy your food"

    and you reply "you too". Social Anxiety folks lol. Gotta love it.
    VanishedDea VanishedDea 18-21, F 1 Response Oct 16, 2014

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    " you're grammar isn't too good.

    " " yeah, she's been feelin poorly." " is she bed fast?" " no, she's just layin there kinda loose like."
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jun 13

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    I just met somebody even more sarcastic

    and cynical than myself. How do I handle this? Lol I feel overpowered and at a constant odd on this situation.
    VanishedDea VanishedDea 18-21, F Oct 16, 2014

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    The Funny of Thailand there are 3 seasons hot,

    very hot and hot like a hell ! Haha
    Mellowiis Mellowiis 18-21, F May 21

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    My girlfriend invited me to her house where I

    found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting there with me. A few moments go by, then she comes up next to me, and whisper in my ear "we should have sex before my sister comes home." I immediately got up and...
    silverfox54 silverfox54 61-65, F 1 Response Jun 21, 2014

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    1OfPureClass 1OfPureClass 70+, F 2 Responses Mar 27

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    A businessman met a beautiful girl

    and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 3 Responses Jun 12

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    Wrong Email Address

    A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 6 Responses Jul 27, 2013

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    "Hello, This Is Customer Service.

    .." Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 1, 2014

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    Lol me and my mom watched the lifetime movie

    "Sugar Daddies" and now we can't stop using our code phrase "hooking and crooking" lmao. And for men we say "slanging and banging" lol. Idk why this is so funny. Now whenever we see younger girls with older men or hardly anything on we say "hooking and crooking"! Lmao
    TheTruth94 TheTruth94 18-21, M Apr 4

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    The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure

    your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Jun 12

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    In a certain university students were asked to

    write a short story consisting the following 3 subjects Religion , Sex, Mystery The best story which got the highest marks goes like this: O my God, I am pregnant, but who's the father ?
    placeborealis placeborealis 41-45, M May 19

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    Finally this age-old question is answered:

    Is giving child birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to...
    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M 4 Responses Apr 20, 2014

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    I am a Certified Pharmacy Tech

    and we get a lot of interesting people with very interesting questions! Luckily I don't normally work at the front counter!! An elderly gentleman walked to the counter today and was very eager to ask a question! There was 3 people in front of him and he just couldn't wait...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses Feb 5

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    We had a sex education class one day at school

    I had gone back to my old form for this one day and I had a lot of trouble with my ex and the form teacher knew we had slept together so what I was about to say after this women came around with the condoms to go on the demonstraighters I started opening it and said "is this a...
    cailowe cailowe 16-17, F 1 Response Apr 22, 2014

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    A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years.

    He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical. When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 7 Responses Apr 21

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    While me and my bro were making some food to

    eat, I accidentally hurt my hand a-little and I was like "f*** that hurts* and my bro looks at me and says "suck it up, be a man" my reply to him was "and as a man I'm telling you... this hurts like F***!" Haha I said it in a really funny way as-well, it's always funny when me...
    NeonPotato NeonPotato 16-17, M May 31

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    Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair

    every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 4 Responses Jun 12

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    Me Behave ? Seriously !

    !! As a child, I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove at over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac man ran around to digital music...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 8 Responses Apr 11, 2014

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    Like Father Like Son

    Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 16, 2013

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    "Pooping!"

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival...
    CarlaW CarlaW 61-65, F 9 Responses Sep 9, 2013

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    Lost In The Supermarket

    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    For his birthday, little Patrick asked

    for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Jun 12

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    In class my friend and I were talking,

    while we were talking about stupid stuff like always, She said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" after she said that I just turned and faced her and said "Not if you get shot in the spine" haha that had to be a one of the funniest moment I had while talking to her.
    NeonPotato NeonPotato 16-17, M 1 Response May 28

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    College Pride

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 9, 2013

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    Meals On Wheels

    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 5, 2013

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    Never looked Better.

    At the funeral of a family friend,I was chatting to June,an elderly lady I hadn't seen since I was a teenager.I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I'd become. On the journey home,I remarked to my...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 29

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    I Joined Just to Tell This One

    I had several doctors' appointments yesterday, and after they were done, I stopped in 1 of the hospital washrooms on the way out.  Just had to go. From what I heard, there were a few other women in there...not a problem.  One (which I found out...
    IAmStillSomeone IAmStillSomeone 41-45, F 10 Responses Jun 18, 2009

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    At a wedding party recently,

    someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 14, 2014

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    Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch

    rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 3, 2014

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    P.G. rated (for those to whom this is

    important:) True tale from my younger years! My cousin was going to be joining the military so we went out for one last night before she left for boot camp. We did the round of bars and at the last one, I was pretty toasted. I remember her (vaguely) talking up some guy, and at...
    Ravenwind43 Ravenwind43 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 18

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    You know pop rockets right?

    You see me and my friends were pretending they were drugs. Somehow one of my friends accidentally snorted the pop rockets. I laughed at his pain and stupidity.
    nuwandaisaphony nuwandaisaphony 16-17, F Mar 26

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    I was walking to my next class,

    and we had to go through this big crowd of people. This guy got distracted by my hair colour and then some other bloke punched him in the face! It was hilarious.
    absenceofsound absenceofsound 16-17, F 1 Response Jan 27

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    Once upon a time, there was an ingenear

    who decided to make some easy money and open a doctor's office. Monday morning, he puts up a big sign stating "We can cure any m├ędical problem for 500$ garentied or we give you 1000$" A doctor see's this and is very angry. He decides to go to the clinic and make an easy 1000...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 4 Responses May 18

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    It's that time of year to take our annual

    senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 6 Responses Jun 16

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    PLEASE DON'T DO THIS A friend of mine was

    hospitalised for a knee injury some years ago. we visited him and we had some vodka with us. we injected some vodka in his drip. I haven't seen somebody getting drunk so fast. I was funny but scary.
    Hardielam Hardielam 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 2

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    A little old lady answered a knock on the door

    one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 1, 2014

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    Damn Parking Enforcement I went to the shop

    the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 6, 2014

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    Code Word

    There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commiteed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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