congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the...
the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun...
filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to...
Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste...
a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 20 bucksto the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct...
and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Around half an hour later, and just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer...
San Antonio, Texas. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and...
so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said,
'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I...
I had several doctors' appointments yesterday, and after they were done, I stopped in 1 of the hospital washrooms on the way out. Just had to go.
From what I heard, there were a few other women in there...not a problem. One (which I found out...
At the funeral of a family friend,I was chatting to June,an elderly lady I hadn't seen since I was a teenager.I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I'd become. On the journey home,I remarked to my...
A little boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says, "Well you know we...
who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece...
stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in North Carolina, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from N. C. and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to...
that happened to me on Christmas day.)
I sent a message via WhatsApp to my cousin, who is based in France but works abroad, to wish him Happy Christmas. A few minutes later, I received a text from him wishing me the same. I thought it was odd that he had responded via text...
found her sister alone. So I
sat there waiting for my girlfriend while
her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting
there with me. A few moments go by,
then she comes up next to me, and
whisper in my ear "we should have
sex before my sister comes home."
I immediately got up and...
had many experiences that have inspired me to be true to myself. So far, my greatest inspiration has been a young man I met about four years ago called Leslie.
Before I met Leslie, I'd heard about those rare humans whose only desire is to serve humanity. Leslie fits that...
As a child, I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove at over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac man ran around to digital music...
for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The man places the...
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm...
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we...
my late mum)
So I was having a conversation with my mother.
"Do you realise you use the word "like" when you speak?" she said
"Do I? I wasn't, like, aware I was doing it," I said.
"You've done it again!"
"Sorry, mum. At least, like, now I can be more aware when I speak...
this is AT&T.
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T.
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: Ok, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone...
husband's face was badly burned. The doctor told
him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to
donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come...
who told me he's from Denmark but has been living in the UK for a long time. His name was Morten.
"Wow, there's a singer called Morten Harket from a pop group from way back in the 80s, but I can't think of their name right now," I said.
"Don't know!" he said.
"They had a hit...
the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the...
ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the...
The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the...
He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes...
discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough...
came with my pea sea
Itplainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put...
1-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar...
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away...
for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked...
He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto...
and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and...
his church, the minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his...
and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him...
yard. They have quite a few animals, so there are always haystacks there. My grandpa stacked five of them and pinned a target in the center. Us kids like to use these stacks and targets for archery.
One day, we ran out of targets. We had ordered pizza earlier that day from...
and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only...