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I Like Funny Stories

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 703 People

    Me and my friend Emy were told to get something

    out of the music room by our music teacher and so we went in and when we were leaving i didn't grasp knob hard enough so I thought we were locked! My reaction :::::: HUH? WTF? EMILY!!!!!! WE'RE LOCKED!!!! ( turns knob frantically ) MOMMY HELP!!!!!!!!! LMFAO...
    MyaA13 MyaA13 13-15, F Feb 28

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    Train Test

    Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 6, 2013

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    I just got back from my friends funeral this

    morning. He died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service....!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Wrong Email Address

    A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 7 Responses Jul 27, 2013

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    Trophy Wife

    I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if you're married, thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 3, 2013

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    Witches

    Q: Why don't witches wear panties? A: So they can get a better grip on the broom!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    Like Father Like Son

    Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 16, 2013

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    Be careful what you wish for.

    .. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 1 Response Feb 25

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    Normally I share things in this group

    that are funny stories I received from my friends on Pogo, but I am watching one of my favorite game shows on Game Show Network called Chain Reaction. One of the guys on the guy's team [every episode is Battle Of The Sexes with three girls who know each other versus three guys...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Jan 11

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    Irish Joke from the famous duo Paddy & Mick.

    Paddy says " Mick, Im thinking of buying a Labrador Puppy." " Dont do it Paddy" says Mick. " have you seen how many owners go blind!"
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    The Customs Of An Irishman

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 1, 2013

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    I was at an ATM yesterday

    when a little old lady stopped me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Three Guys And The Fridge

    Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, "We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you're in for free." So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    Starbucks

    I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 29, 2013

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    I woke up last night to find the ghost of

    gloria gaynor standing at the foot of my bed! At first I was afraid... then I was petrified!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Murphy says to Paddy!

    What ya talking into an envelope at me for Paddy? Paddys says " Murphy you stupid man Im trying to send you s voicemail"
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Drunken Wisdom #1

    Never sing in the shower, singing leads to dancing and dancing leads to slipping, lets face it, the staff down at A&E are never going to believe how the shampoo bottle really did get lodged up there.
    Butterflyshoes Butterflyshoes 22-25, F 3 Responses Jul 25, 2012

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    College Pride

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 9, 2013

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    $100,000

    A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 23, 2013

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    Cursed

    Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a mirror." Kayla and Jessica Agree. They go down to the thrift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 8, 2013

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    I went too a cemetery yesterday to lay some

    flowers on my grans grave. As I was standing there I saw 4 grave diggers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they are still walking around.... I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Me Behave ? Seriously !

    !! As a child, I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove at over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac man ran around to digital music...
    primnproper primnproper 46-50, F 8 Responses Apr 11

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    I was in bed with a blind girl last night

    and she said that I had the biggest pneis she had ever had her hands on. I said, "Your pulling my leg"!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Martian Landing

    Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". "Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. The second...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 18, 2013

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    Walking into the gym

    and catching girls peeping your junk lmao woops
    drydenneal drydenneal 22-25, M Feb 13

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    Christmas Train Delay

    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    Code Word

    There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commiteed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    My neighbour knocked on my door last night it

    was 3 am in the morning! Can you believe that 3 AM in the morning! Luckily for him I was still up practising on my bagpipes!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    The wife was counting all the 1p

    and 2p coins on the kitchen table when suddenly she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason at me. I thought to myself "She's going through the change"!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M 1 Response Feb 3

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    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle

    nutter' who stabbed 8 people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following a pattern!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    The Grim Reaper came

    for me last night, so I beat him off with a Vacuum Cleaner. Talk about Dyson with Death!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    "Pooping!"

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival...
    CarlaW CarlaW 61-65, F 6 Responses Sep 9, 2013

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    I am reposting this after I read it in another

    EP group. :) 50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 3

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    Husband Number 10

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 13, 2013

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    Last week I ordered food online not realizing I

    sent the order to my friend's house who lives 45 minutes away. That is because I ordered at their house previously and I wanted the same meal I had there so I just hit the reorder button without checking the address. Once the delivery arrived, he called saying he is outside...
    pancakequeen pancakequeen 22-25, F Feb 10

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    I Joined Just to Tell This One

    I had several doctors' appointments yesterday, and after they were done, I stopped in 1 of the hospital washrooms on the way out.  Just had to go. From what I heard, there were a few other women in there...not a problem.  One (which I found out...
    IAmStillSomeone IAmStillSomeone 41-45, F 9 Responses Jun 18, 2009

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    Last night I was in the pub having a beer at

    the bar when I heard 2 idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a plane if they knew the pilot was a woman! I thought "WHAT A PAIR OF SEXISTS" I mean, its not as if she'd have to reverse the darn thing is it!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    When I was young I decided to go to medical

    school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters P N E I S & form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today,
    thoughtfulheart thoughtfulheart 46-50, F 2 Responses Mar 31

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    Knock Knock

    "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Bobby Valentine" "Who?"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 21, 2013

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    Meals On Wheels

    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 5, 2013

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    Lost In The Supermarket

    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    Midge's Baked Chicken Recipe

    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try! 4 - 5 lb...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 20, 2013

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    I start my new job in Seoul next week.

    I thought it would be a good Korea move!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the

    ice. At least I presume she was poor, so only had £ 1.20 in her purse!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Lol

    I read this one in a magazine: Me and my friend went to the supermarket to buy tampax and we didn't know where they were so we asked a shop assistant. She then asked us whether we wanted the ones that you push in with your thumb or the ones that you hammer...
    llama4lifex0x0 llama4lifex0x0 18-21, F 2 Responses Apr 7, 2010

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    Praying And Sleeping

    Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 5, 2013

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    The Trick Side

    Peter and Paul were talking about their wives. "Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter. "Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it." "Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter. "Well, not exactly. I sit up and...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 20, 2013

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    "Hello, This Is Customer Service.

    .." Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 1

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    A young blonde girl in her late teens,

    wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and Started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 1 Response Feb 25

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    Arrived Safely

    Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 22, 2013

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    A teddy bear is working on a building site

    and goes for a lunch break. When he returns he finds that he has had his pick stolen. The angry bear marches into the fore mans office and reports the theft. The foreman grins at the bear and says " Oh, I forgot too tell you, todays the day the teddy bears have their picks...
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    My daughter asked me

    for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to the pet shop and they were £ 100! I though blow this, I can get one cheaper off the web!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    Clearer Instructions

    I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon. I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "***** down, facing me." Well, I needed the groceries, so I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 23, 2013

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    An Obscure Tale On morning,

    a valgus hobberdehoy was cornobbled by a very old leptorrhinian calcographer. "You twiddlepoopy liripoop!" faffled the hobberdehoy, "You've given me a wem that smells of bodewash!" "So sorry," belched the saprostomous calcographer. "I was unaware that my jumentous mundungus was...
    Chirogymnast Chirogymnast 18-21, F 2 Responses Apr 7

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    Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch

    rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 3

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    I adore one line comedy

    and short stories : 1. Fact: 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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    My girlfriend thinks Im a stalker,

    well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet!
    yugecin yugecin 41-45, M Feb 3

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