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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,320 People

    A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th

    picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another. "This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.” "I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?

    It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her." "Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 25

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    The coach for the little league team had not

    yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Joey went to the plate to hit. Then he yelled, "Number 7," and up jumped Bobby. "Number 1!" he yelled. No one got up. Again he called out...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 24

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    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    Two hikers come across a cabin in the middle of

    the woods. the 100 people in the cabin are all dead. how did they die?
    Themias Themias 13-15, M 2 Responses Mar 31

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

    A: He thought his wife was a flake
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 19

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    A husband and wife at a hotel asked

    for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18

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    For their anniversary,

    a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2, 2014

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    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 30, 2014

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    Bargaining Parrot Ronnie goes to the auction.

    He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars. Auctioneer: 50 Dollars Voice: 100 Dollars Ronnie: 200 Dollars Voice: 300 Dollars Ronnie: 400 Dollars Voice: 750 Dollars Ronnie: 800 Dollars Auctioneer 800 going once...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 7

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    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 9 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

    He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car. Problem - thought Ben...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 9

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    I tried being polyamorous,

    but gave it up because I couldn't get any sleep. The constant squawking of the parrots was unbearable.
    TakingStock TakingStock 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 6

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    If a car travels at the speed of light

    and turns on its headlights, what would happen to the light?
    Laffa Laffa 22-25, M 1 Response Mar 29

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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

    ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 28

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    Jerry reluctantly agreed to play in the

    club’s annual couples alternate-shot tournament with his wife, Suzy. He teed off on the first hole and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle. Upon reaching the ball, Jerry said to Suzy, “Just hit it toward the greens. Anywhere around there will be fine.” Suzy...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 28

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    A lady walked into a boutique

    and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?" The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    Senior Tax Return I just received an audit on

    my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 31

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    I got a couple jokes today

    so hear I go why was everybody waving there hand my buddy said I said I poopted he said aww gross ::) another why are u so lazy Rick he said I don't like to date I am retired and I have a comfy chair and I have a 45 inch flat screen what else would I do all day what go to work...
    spygro spygro 13-15, M Mar 27

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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    I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me,

    the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
    MidnightMasquerade MidnightMasquerade 22-25, F Mar 31

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 4 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing

    lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 3

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 16, 2014

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    A wife went to the police station with her

    next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28, 2014

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18, 2014

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    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

    A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Apr 4

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    Handling teens A wise old gentleman retired

    and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 16

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    A salesmen rang a house doorbell

    and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 16-17, F Jul 23, 2014

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    Three sisters, ages 92,

    94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses a week ago

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    Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation

    and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    ****** RIDDLE OF THE WEEK ****** A father

    left 17 Camels as an Asset for his three sons. When the Father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the Father stated that the Eldest son should get Half of 17 Camels, The Middle Son should be given 1/3rd of 17 Camels, Youngest Son should be given 1/9th of...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses 6 days ago

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Feb 5

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    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    Mother... Please, can I lick the bowl?

    :) She says "Shut up and flush it!:))))
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    An aged farmer and his wife were leaning

    against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses