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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 770 People

    A salesmen rang a house doorbell

    and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 13-15, F Jul 23

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    Find out who is in control At a (not so)

    recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled. Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?" Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 7

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    A hot blonde walks in a bar.

    A very kinky guy spots her. Guy: You are one smooth looking chick. I'd love for you to sit on my face. Blonde: Why would you want me to sit on your face? Is your nose bigger than your penis?
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 1 Response Oct 2

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    A man rubbed a bottle

    and a genie came out, “OK the genie said what’s your wish” The man said “I want all ladies to love me”, and he turned into a bar of chocolate.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    what is that thing which have a nose

    but no face ans: nobody nose ;D
    joethangbali joethangbali 18-21, M 17 hrs ago

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    This is the only war

    when you sleep with the enemy. When your fight to keep the enemy alive What is it?
    Spenx12 Spenx12 13-15, M 2 Responses Oct 16

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    The lady dialed 9-1-1

    and complained that the man next door was exposing himself to her. The cop shows up and asked to show him what she was talking about. The lady took the cop to her bedroom window and told him to look out. When he did, he saw a high window, and there was a guy shaving. The cop...
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 1 Response Oct 9

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    Old man comes into a restaurant,

    sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day

    when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 22

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35, F 9 Responses Mar 26

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    Q: What is heavy forwards

    but not backwards? A: Ton
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 19

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    One day a girl came home crying to her mom.

    The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 18

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Johnny's mother had three children.

    The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
    Houstontex Houstontex 18-21, M 1 Response Oct 11

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Stressed "Doctor, please help me.

    I'm so stressed," says the patient. "I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem," says the doctor. To which the patient replies, "I just did, jacka$$!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 1

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    Low MarksMother: Why did you get

    such a low marks on that test?Junior: Because of absence.Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 28, 2013

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Oct 5

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    Did you know in the Christian world there is

    only one thing worse than a wickedly horrible perverted sinner... An atheist.
    deprogramme deprogramme 51-55, F Apr 22

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    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 21

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    Behind every succesfull man there is a woman.

    Because women dont run behind unsuccesfull men.
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 1

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    Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better

    than an Earth-rock? A: Because it's a little meteor.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 23

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    What is the similarity between sex with

    prostitutes and bungee jumping? . . . . In both cases you die when the rubber gives way
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M Oct 4

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28

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    Will a lion cheat on his wife?

    .. .. .. .. No, but Tiger Wood..!!
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 1 Response Sep 25

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    The clinic was full of pregnant women with

    their husbands. The Maternity Nurse said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 23

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    If the loser smiles after loosing the game,

    the winner looses the thrill of his victory!!!! THATS THE POWER OF SMILE!!!!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 1 Response Oct 1

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    Missreedy Missreedy 31-35 3 Responses Oct 5

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    Sally phoned her husband,

    Bill, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat." Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." "OK darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 24

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    A priest was hearing confessions one afternoon.

    A little girl, around 9 years old, walked in. She started to make her confession. "Father, I committed adultery." The priest was confused. The girl was so young, so he asked her, "And how did this happen." The girl replied, "I acted like an adult."
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 1 Response Oct 5

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    Investigating A Terrible Accident There was a

    terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 6

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 10 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    How do you make 100 old ladies yell,

    "F***!" at the same time? Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?

    A: You can see right through them.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Water to Wine A Lutheran minister is driving

    down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the minister. The trooper says...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 7

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    Son of A Lawyer While two families were

    waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 14

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    Once two ladies came

    before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 16

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    Humor An aging man lived alone in Ireland.

    His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 15

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Q: How did the bubble gum cross the road?

    A: On the bottom of the chicken’s foot!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 8

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    How many divorced men does it take to change a

    light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 29

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Titanic was about to sink.

    People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Two miles... Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 2

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    Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof

    laying tile, when a sudden wind gust came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea" said Larry. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." What, do you think I'm stupid? "I have an idea" said Joe. "I'll shine my flashlight, and you can c