picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another.
"This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.”
"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your...
yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms.
He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Joey went to the plate to hit.
Then he yelled, "Number 7," and up jumped Bobby.
"Number 1!" he yelled. No one got up.
Again he called out...
and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only...
a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in...
woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother.
He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg.
Hello, he said, how long have you been here?
Oh, about a month.
Let me see your baby, he then asked.
Why, i haven't a baby...
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once...
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car.
Problem - thought Ben...
ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
club’s annual couples alternate-shot tournament with his wife, Suzy.
He teed off on the first hole and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle. Upon reaching the ball, Jerry said to Suzy, “Just hit it toward the greens. Anywhere around there will be fine.” Suzy...
my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed...
so hear I go why was everybody waving there hand my buddy said I said I poopted he said aww gross ::) another why are u so lazy Rick he said I don't like to date I am retired and I have a comfy chair and I have a 45 inch flat screen what else would I do all day what go to work...
I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in...
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor...
A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his...
and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating...
and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those...
94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up...
and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
.....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
left 17 Camels as an Asset for his three sons.
When the Father passed away, his sons opened up the will.
The Will of the Father stated that the Eldest son should get Half of 17 Camels,
The Middle Son should be given 1/3rd of 17 Camels,
Youngest Son should be given 1/9th of...
pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the...
against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered...