that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in...
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your...
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms.
He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Joey went to the plate to hit.
Then he yelled, "Number 7," and up jumped Bobby.
"Number 1!" he yelled. No one got up.
Again he called out...
concerned about his son who was about a
year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his
son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you
found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very...
poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and...
elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration.
"I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”
"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”
"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”
"Mom, I’m going to the...
and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good...
pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the...
and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in...
one day to run some errands in Jacksonville. On the way back to Vilano Beach, his wife calls his cell phone.
"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 95."
"Not just one car, they all are."
after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let my wife be having an affair."
sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the...
a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it...
in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother.
He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg.
Hello, he said, how long have you been here?
Oh, about a month.
Let me see your baby, he then asked.
Why, i haven't a baby...
one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said...
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car.
Problem - thought Ben...
white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed...