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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 442 People

    The Divorce Lawyer

    Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts. He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 31, 2013

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jul 1

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    Low MarksMother: Why did you get

    such a low marks on that test?Junior: Because of absence.Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 28, 2013

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    Old man comes into a restaurant,

    sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    How do you make 100 old ladies yell,

    "F***!" at the same time? Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    Q: What goes “ha ha thump”?

    A: A man laughing his head off.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    Q: What"s the most common owl in the British

    Isles? A: The Teat Owl (teatowel)
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    Q: What do demons have on holiday?

    A: A devil of a time!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 25

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Sheep and Kangaroo Q: What do you get

    when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A: A sweater with big pockets.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 23

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    Son of A Lawyer While two families were

    waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 14

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    In the Class, while the professor(P) was

    teaching. One of the Student(S) was unable to read the book. P: Why are you not able to read the book? S: becoz I dont have my specs. P: Where are your specs? S: They got broken today P: How come it got broken? S: Well, I was kissing the girl and it got broken. P: R u nuts, how...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    A Man....

    ....goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details. The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 18

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A man was sick and tired of going to work every

    day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jan 25

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28

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    Guy in a library walks up to the librarian

    and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    Heavenly Marital Help

    Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    How many divorced men does it take to change a

    light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 29

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    Q. – What bird is always sad?

    A. – The blue jay!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 2

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    Q: What do you get when you put a candle in a

    suit of armor? A: A knight light.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Why is the weather sadly becoming Muslim?

    Because it is partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.
    TrevorThomson TrevorThomson 26-30, M Jun 2

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 1

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35, F 8 Responses Mar 26

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 25

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    Did you know in the Christian world there is

    only one thing worse than a wickedly horrible perverted sinner... An atheist.
    deprogramme deprogramme 51-55, F Apr 22

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    Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a

    new golf club? He looked at club after club after club. His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?" He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 7

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 2

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    A guy was walking along the street

    when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” to which the runner replied “Well you don’t...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Oranges

    A young teenage girl was a prostitute and for obvious reasons kept it secret from her grandma. One day the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well...
    FortressV FortressV 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 14, 2013

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    One day a girl came home crying to her mom.

    The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 18

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    Bob Smith was sick of his job

    and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around. One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 3

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    It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of

    spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit. A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jul 11

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    Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down

    a mine shaft? A: A flat miner.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    Two hunters are out in the woods

    when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead...
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 13-15, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia

    for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 23

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    What Do You Get...

    ...when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F Aug 12, 2013

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Q: What do you call a werewolf

    that drinks too much? A: A whino
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 25

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    “Steve was such a great con man

    that he made millions by selling his book 'The Path to Logical Lying'.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26

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    Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    A: No idea(er) (eye deer).
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    An old man came up to me at the cash machine

    and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead

    of corn flakes for breakfast. I bet you were mad. Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 4

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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