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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,608 People

    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    Kids in the back seat cause accidents;

    accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 23

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A redneck family from outside Little Rock was

    visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Baldness Little Johnny was eating breakfast

    one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26

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    I am the beginning of the end,

    The end of time and space , And I surround every place, What am I?
    Ezla617 Ezla617 13-15, F 1 Response May 18

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    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

    He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car. Problem - thought Ben...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 9

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    When George Washington was crossing the

    Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    A surgeon and his son are riding in a car

    together when they get into a terrible accident. Both are in a coma when they arrive at the hospital. The son is taken for emergency surgery. The surgeon sees the son and says "I cannot perform this operation, this is my son." How is this possible?
    hisdudeness3 hisdudeness3 31-35, M 2 Responses May 10

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    For their anniversary,

    a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 24

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    Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns.

    " Billy: "Who, me?" Teacher: Well done!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses May 16

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    Little Harold was practicing the violin in the

    living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Feb 18

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    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    The Drunk A cop is staking out a bar

    for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    “I’ve never flown before,

    said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 12

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    When the new patient was settled comfortably on

    the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 6

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    "Thanks for the harmonica you gave me

    for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18

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    The proud father brought home a backyard swing

    set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 26

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 5, 2014

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    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1, 2014

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 4 Responses Feb 5

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28, 2014

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    A priest was sent to a very small church in the

    backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 14

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    A few days after Christmas,

    a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell 'All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation

    and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 25

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 30, 2014

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    A man entered a pet shop,

    wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses May 13

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Bubba had shingles. Those of us

    who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    A few minutes before the church services

    started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 5

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14, 2014

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    After the North American Beer Festival,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    The Black Canyon Biker A man decided

    that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 9 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 23, 2014

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    A man tells a doctor,

    "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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