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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 262 People

    My Memory An agitated patient was stomping

    around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    "Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel.

    "Will this path take me to the main road?" "No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 1

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    Two guys are hiking in the Yukon

    when a couple of mosquitoes fly out of the woods, knock them down, and sit on them. One mosquito says to the other, "Do you think we should take them home?" "Nah," says the other. "If we do, the big ones will take them away from us!"
    pattyhard pattyhard 51-55, T Apr 10

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    The Divorce Lawyer

    Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts. He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 31, 2013

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    What did the wave say to the beach.

    .. Nothing he just waved ;)
    JustWantToTalkAmBored JustWantToTalkAmBored 13-15, M 1 Response Mar 17

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    Frozen Window.. Wife texts husband on a cold

    winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.” ... Courtesy of a close Friend from AB
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 1 Response Jan 30

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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    Random Thoughts

    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 11, 2013

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    Fly vs. Mosquito What is the difference

    between a mosquito and a fly? A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 28

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35, F 4 Responses Mar 26

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    Man and Wife in Heaven A woman found herself

    standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    Two guys are hiking in the forest

    when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! One guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and his friend yells back , "I...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Apr 9

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    Rocky One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to

    my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    Low MarksMother: Why did you get

    such a low marks on that test?Junior: Because of absence.Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 28, 2013

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    What do you get when you cross a pig

    and a centipede? Bacon and legs.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    How do you make 100 old ladies yell,

    "F***!" at the same time? Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    A man was sick and tired of going to work every

    day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jan 25

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    Meat and Potatoes My grandfather is a meat

    and potatoes guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, "Fed to a cow, so they'll turn into steak."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 7, 2013

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    What Do You Get...

    ...when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F Aug 12, 2013

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    The Pope and the President.

    .. During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 2

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    Habits The Indian groom says to his bride on

    the wedding night, "I want to confess that I had 15 love affairs before we got married." The bride instead of getting upset, said brightly, "I knew it! When our horoscopes matched, I was sure our habits would also match!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jan 12

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    The businessman dragged himself home

    and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 31

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    Heavenly Marital Help

    Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    I'd sleep my way to the top

    but my alarm keeps waking me up.
    Westcoaster42 Westcoaster42 41-45 Mar 23

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 30

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    You know you need a new lawyer when: 1.

    He tries to sell you Amway products at the first client meeting. 2. When he enters the courtroom, the DA and the judge high-five each other. 3. He picks the jury by playing Duck,Duck, Goose! 4. You ask him the name of his best case and he says "Budweiser".
    TandSMichael TandSMichael 51-55, M 1 Response Mar 21

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    Son of A Lawyer While two families were

    waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 14

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    A man walks up to this woman on the street

    and says "How about a date. The woman says " January 28, 1945
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Feb 5

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?

    A: Because they don't know the words. Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar. Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire? A: He was going to make a long-distance caw. Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest? A: Look at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Oranges

    A young teenage girl was a prostitute and for obvious reasons kept it secret from her grandma. One day the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well...
    FortressV FortressV 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 14, 2013

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 8 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    How many divorced men does it take to change a

    light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 29

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    Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her

    husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 24

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    There are two secrets to success: 1) don't

    reveal everything you know 2)
    mierdamundo mierdamundo 31-35 Feb 7

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    What did the cobbler say

    when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 30

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    If a woman can't cook!

    He need to find a man that can't eat. I don't know if exist!
    Bluejec19 Bluejec19 41-45, F 2 Responses Feb 7

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    Why did the chicken crops the road.

    .. I don't know I'm cuckoo
    JustWantToTalkAmBored JustWantToTalkAmBored 13-15, M Mar 19

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    What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run?

    A small medium at large. *badum tss*
    FluffyStuff FluffyStuff 18-21 Mar 15

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    The next two require you to read them with the

    appropriate accent: Michael, a Donegal man, goes for a job on a building site, the foreman says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job. He smiles confidently. "The first question is, 'what is your name?", he answers," errr, that would...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 28

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    A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.

    A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Apr 10

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    A Man....

    ....goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details. The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    One day a girl came home crying to her mom.

    The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 18

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    Why is it that birds are quickly sold

    when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    Card NightA woman who plays cards

    once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 29, 2013

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    Q: Why did the elephant stand on the

    marshmallow? A: Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 24

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    Related Experiences

    God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Mar 27

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    Converting a Bear A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. I like BAD jokes :)
    CaptainBenza CaptainBenza 18-21, M 19 hrs ago

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    Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses