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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 566 People

    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    A Short History Of Medicine "Doctor,

    I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 12

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    What Do You Get...

    ...when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F Aug 12, 2013

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    How do you make 100 old ladies yell,

    "F***!" at the same time? Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 7

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    "Cash, check or charge?

    " the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE"GUY 1 : i have been doing

    the ice bucket challenge for a long time, but. ...GUY 2: but why?GUY 1. : but after few shots the ice finishes
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 1 Response Sep 1

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    Did you know in the Christian world there is

    only one thing worse than a wickedly horrible perverted sinner... An atheist.
    deprogramme deprogramme 51-55, F Apr 22

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Riddle: Two men went into a restaurant.

    They sat at a table and the waiter came by and asked, "What do you want to drink?" The first man said, "I'll have H20." The second man said, "I'll have H20 too." The second man died. Why?
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 5

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    A guy walked into a doctor's office

    and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 21

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    Once two ladies came

    before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 24

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 23

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35, F 8 Responses Mar 26

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    Monahan stumbled into a saloon,

    half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 3

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    I could be a limo driver

    for the next ten years and I'd still have nothing to chauffeur it.
    baconrind baconrind 26-30, M 1 Response a week ago

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    The Divorce Lawyer

    Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts. He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 31, 2013

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    Wife: i hate you when you drink Husband:

    darling i hate you when i dont drink
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Aug 28

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    Two men playing golf were held up by two women

    playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Wife: you did not have a rag on your back

    when i married you. Husband: well. Anyway. I have plenty of them now
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 days ago

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    Heavenly Marital Help

    Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner

    in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 16

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      GHOST SEX A professor at the Auburn

    University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 4 Responses Sep 8

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    What is a word made up of 4 letters,

    yet is also made up of 3. Sometimes is written with 9 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
    Maveric0484 Maveric0484 26-30, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jul 1

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    Another Good Joke...ha ha ha ha ha A man was

    driving a car ... A fat lady on a scooty overtook him !! Man shouted : "Hey Buffalo" Lady turned back and shouted : "You donkey, idiot, stupid monkey" Suddenly she had an accident She was hit by a buffalo crossing the road.. MORAL : " Sometime Ladies don't understand what...
    satyr1007 satyr1007 26-30, M 1 Response Aug 20

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    Old yachtsmen never die,

    they just keel over*
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 18

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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    Old man comes into a restaurant,

    sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    A Man....

    ....goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details. The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 18

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    One day a girl came home crying to her mom.

    The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 18

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    Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office,

    one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 27

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Low MarksMother: Why did you get

    such a low marks on that test?Junior: Because of absence.Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 28, 2013

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    A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes

    one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 4

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    Three old ladies are sitting in a diner,

    chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The census taker knocked on Donna's door.

    She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied. "Well, I'm the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I was trying to get my seventh-grade history

    class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 7

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    Railroad A man who had spent his whole life

    in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 7

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?

    A: Some have nuts and some don't!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 17

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    Riddle: What is it that no man wants,

    but no man wants to lose?
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 5

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    How many divorced men does it take to change a

    light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 29

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