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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,901 People

    Little Johnny is always being teased by the

    other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    “I’ve never flown before,

    said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 12

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 5, 2014

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    Girl comes home late Dad:

    where were u? Are u aware of the time? Girl: dad they raped me!! Dad: they raped for an hour where were u the rest of the time?!
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A grandmother and her young granddaughter went

    to the Natural History Museum. They looked at all the mounted animals: lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, hippos, hyenas, big-horned sheep, and zebras.
 When they got home, the little girl’s grandfather asked her what she saw there. She said, “A dead circus.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 3

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    This guy, caught up in the fitness craze,

    joined a club that offered a reasonably priced membership. Not surprisingly, he never went after the first month. Even so, a year later he hurried back to renew. "Do you guys have a name for people like me who join and never show up?" he jokingly asked the man behind the counter...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 a week ago

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    A surgeon and his son are riding in a car

    together when they get into a terrible accident. Both are in a coma when they arrive at the hospital. The son is taken for emergency surgery. The surgeon sees the son and says "I cannot perform this operation, this is my son." How is this possible?
    hisdudeness3 hisdudeness3 31-35, M 2 Responses May 10

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    A few minutes before the church services

    started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 5

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14, 2014

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    Cover charge: $15 Round of drinks: $23 Table

    dance: $30 A round of shots: $34 Private dance in your hotel room: $300 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Jun 14

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 9 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    "Thanks for the harmonica you gave me

    for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 18

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    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 23

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 a week ago

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    Baldness Little Johnny was eating breakfast

    one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26

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    Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns.

    " Billy: "Who, me?" Teacher: Well done!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses May 16

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    The actor Paul Newman started his Hole in the

    Wall Gang Camp for kids with blood diseases, AIDS and cancer. One day Paul and his wife Joanne Woodward dropped in to eat lunch with all the children. One counselor sitting at the next table thought that many of these kids would not realize Paul Newman was world-famous as a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 2

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    Two lovely old biddies had been friends

    for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week for a cup of tea and a natter. One day they were sipping their tea when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 8

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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

    ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 28

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    Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road

    when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit." Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    What do sex gods eat

    for breakfast?
    kmf456 kmf456 56-60, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 a week ago

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    The poker player. Two couples were playing

    poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and...
    ToyManx ToyManx 46-50, M 4 Responses Feb 6

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    A priest was sent to a very small church in the

    backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 14

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    An old, stingy man was dying

    and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 15

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    A man was wheeling himself frantically down the

    hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 29

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 4 Responses Feb 5

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 23, 2014

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    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28, 2014

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    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 a week ago

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31, 2014

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18, 2014

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A prison governor is appalled by the poor

    standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 10

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    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

    He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car. Problem - thought Ben...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 9

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