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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,437 People

    Police were called to an apartment

    and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" She sobs yes. "Did you hit him with that golf club," he asks? "Yes, yes I did," she answers, dropping the club and putting her hands to her face. "How many...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 19

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    this ones pretty dirty,

    but still funny. A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair. "Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked...
    paelias paelias 18-21, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    This guy, caught up in the fitness craze,

    joined a club that offered a reasonably priced membership. Not surprisingly, he never went after the first month. Even so, a year later he hurried back to renew. "Do you guys have a name for people like me who join and never show up?" he jokingly asked the man behind the counter...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    A prison governor is appalled by the poor

    standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 10

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    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 22

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    A woman's dream is to have 2 men at once.

    ... 1 for cooking 1 for cleaning
    Ugnius2121 Ugnius2121 16-17, M 1 Response Jul 15

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    Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new

    shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are...
    vrooomm vrooomm 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 31

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    Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road

    when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit." Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 22

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Cover charge: $15 Round of drinks: $23 Table

    dance: $30 A round of shots: $34 Private dance in your hotel room: $300 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 14

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 23, 2014

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    An old, stingy man was dying

    and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 15

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    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

    ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 28

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    What do sex gods eat

    for breakfast?
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jun 26

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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids

    overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I...
    lasergraph lasergraph 61-65, M 8 Responses Jun 25

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 7 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14, 2014

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    Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck.

    ..she took it round the corner to teach it how too... fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea, the more you eat, the more you drink the more you want too... peeter had a boat, the boat began to rock, up jumped jaws and bit off his cocktail, ginger ale, forty cents a...
    fOrEvErYoURs321 fOrEvErYoURs321 26-30, F 5 Responses Aug 5

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28, 2014

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    When Gandhi was studying law at the University

    College of London, a professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always confrontations. One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 2 Responses Aug 15

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1, 2014

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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    NickoliShang NickoliShang 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Girl comes home late Dad:

    where were u? Are u aware of the time? Girl: dad they raped me!! Dad: they raped for an hour where were u the rest of the time?!
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jun 25

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    Can you name a 9 letter word

    which will form new word everytime you remove a letter from the word. You can remove up to 8 letters. What's is the word and what's the new word formed everytime a letter removed?
    logen88 logen88 26-30, M 1 Response Jul 16

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2, 2014

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    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    A wife chewed out her husband at the company

    picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 9

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    Baldness Little Johnny was eating breakfast

    one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26

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    Little Johnny is always being teased by the

    other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage

    counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 23

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    guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do

    you mind if I sit beside you?? The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said...
    msb2015 msb2015 26-30, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Mr. Wong Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to

    have his failing eyesight checked out. The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion. 'Mr Wong, I'm afraid you have a cataract' He replies, 'No I don't - I drive a Lincoln town car!'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 1

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 23

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response Jun 22

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31, 2014

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Feb 5

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    A man entered a pet shop,

    wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 8 Responses May 13

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 30, 2014