Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
but he was unwilling to spend much money. He went to the store and asked the salesman, "How much are they?"
"That depends on the model," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said the cheapskate.
The salesperson put a device around his neck. "You...
concerned about his son who was about a
year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his
son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you
What has roots as nobody sees
Is taller that trees
Up up up it goes,
And yet never grows
Thirty white horses on a hill
First they champ.
Then they stamp.
Then they stand still
Voiceless it cries,
Mouth less mutters.
Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those...
I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in...
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up...
before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No...
white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the...
and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
one day to run some errands in Jacksonville. On the way back to Vilano Beach, his wife calls his cell phone.
"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 95."
"Not just one car, they all are."
and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in...
woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother.
He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg.
Hello, he said, how long have you been here?
Oh, about a month.
Let me see your baby, he then asked.
Why, i haven't a baby...
sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup.
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”
“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.
“It wasn’t misguided...
pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the...
and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very...
just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.
performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman...
.....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the...
one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said...
"It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc, "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you don't have much more than three days to live."
Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes...
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "OK, there's a rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig...
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car.
Problem - thought Ben...
today (He's Portuguese...) "..In Portugal we say you should not live so far from your mother in law that she has to bring her luggage and stay with you, nor should you live so close to her that she can visit you in her slippers" :-)
found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...