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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 521 People

    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35, F 8 Responses Mar 26

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    An old man came up to me at the cash machine

    and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 20

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    Riddle: Two men went into a restaurant.

    They sat at a table and the waiter came by and asked, "What do you want to drink?" The first man said, "I'll have H20." The second man said, "I'll have H20 too." The second man died. Why?
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 5

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    What kind of horses go out

    after dusk? Nightmares
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 1

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Heavenly Marital Help

    Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The...
    deleted deleted 26-30 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A Short History Of Medicine "Doctor,

    I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    Son of A Lawyer While two families were

    waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 14

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    A salesmen rang a house doorbell

    and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 13-15, F Jul 23

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    A guy was walking along the street

    when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” to which the runner replied “Well you don’t...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 21

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    Riddle: What is it that no man wants,

    but no man wants to lose?
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 5

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    whats the difference between a Piano,

    a Tuna, and a Tub of Glue?
    ChanceLS ChanceLS 18-21, M 1 Response Jul 28

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    Low MarksMother: Why did you get

    such a low marks on that test?Junior: Because of absence.Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 28, 2013

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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    Oranges

    A young teenage girl was a prostitute and for obvious reasons kept it secret from her grandma. One day the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well...
    FortressV FortressV 22-25, F 1 Response Oct 14, 2013

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    How is a banana peel like music?

    You'd better "C Sharp" or you'll "B flat" .
    jopava jopava 51-55, M Jul 31

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    What Do You Get...

    ...when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F Aug 12, 2013

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    Old man comes into a restaurant,

    sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    One day a girl came home crying to her mom.

    The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 18

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    Old yachtsmen never die,

    they just keel over*
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Monahan stumbled into a saloon,

    half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Joe said, "Know what,

    Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females." "How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie. "Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 25

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    It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of

    spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit. A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jul 11

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    Little Johnny... Geometry Teacher: "Little

    Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'" Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Did you know in the Christian world there is

    only one thing worse than a wickedly horrible perverted sinner... An atheist.
    deprogramme deprogramme 51-55, F Apr 22

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    The Divorce Lawyer

    Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts. He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 31, 2013

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 3

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    In the Class, while the professor(P) was

    teaching. One of the Student(S) was unable to read the book. P: Why are you not able to read the book? S: becoz I dont have my specs. P: Where are your specs? S: They got broken today P: How come it got broken? S: Well, I was kissing the girl and it got broken. P: R u nuts, how...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 16

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28

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    Q: What do Alexander the Great

    and Kermit the Frog have in common? A: Their middle names.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 27

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jul 1

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    A Man....

    ....goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details. The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    How many divorced men does it take to change a

    light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 29

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    Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?

    A: Some have nuts and some don't!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 18

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    The girl knelt in the confessional

    and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 5

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    What do you do with a sick boat?

    Take it to the Doc.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 1

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    Railroad A man who had spent his whole life

    in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 7

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    Riddle: I'm written with two letters,

    said with one and seen with two. What am I? Answer: Eye ('e' and 'y' are the only letters).
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 25

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    Two hunters are out in the woods

    when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead...
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 13-15, F 2 Responses Jul 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 1

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office,

    one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 27

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