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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,211 People

    The bride was anything

    but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 25

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    No worry A wife is having $€# with her

    husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it. "Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye." Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?" "That was my husband," she replied. The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry. "Relax...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 15

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 16

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    Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof

    laying tile, when a sudden wind gust came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea" said Larry. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." What, do you think I'm stupid? "I have an idea" said Joe. "I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 17

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    How do you make 100 old ladies yell,

    "F***!" at the same time? Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    Once two ladies came

    before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 24

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    Teacher: whoever answers my next question,

    can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 10

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    INSTALLING HUSBAND A woman writes to the IT

    Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In...
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35 9 Responses Mar 26

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    The $5,000,000 question Bob had finally made

    it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 9

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    Water to Wine A Lutheran minister is driving

    down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the minister. The trooper says...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 7

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    A couple was making their first doctors visit

    prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 30

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31

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    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 3 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28

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    There's a cage with jungle animals

    and creatures. There are 11 heads and 20 feet. There are twice as many jungle creatures with four feet as there are jungle creatures with two feet. How many creatures of each are in the cage? pm me ur answers
    lovemedearly lovemedearly 16-17, F 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector,

    and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 2

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    Two friends were having a drink oneday at a pub,

    half way through they were drunk One guy asked the other : what is first aid? Then the other one replies: its when you get AIDS for the first time
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F Nov 18

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    Q: How did the bubble gum cross the road?

    A: On the bottom of the chicken’s foot!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 8

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    Humor An aging man lived alone in Ireland.

    His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 15

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    Gimme All Your MoneyA man was walking down a

    street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 27, 2013

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    The lady dialed 9-1-1

    and complained that the man next door was exposing himself to her. The cop shows up and asked to show him what she was talking about. The lady took the cop to her bedroom window and told him to look out. When he did, he saw a high window, and there was a guy shaving. The cop...
    jopava jopava 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 9

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    A man rubbed a bottle

    and a genie came out, “OK the genie said what’s your wish” The man said “I want all ladies to love me”, and he turned into a bar of chocolate.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 24

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    Q: What is heavy forwards

    but not backwards? A: Ton
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 19

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    Anagrams of British politicians' names: "Goofer!

    Why is free?" (Sir Geoffrey Howe) "Should Guard" (Douglas Hurd) "That Great Charmer" (Margaret Thatcher) (Quoted by John Simpson)
    supersnipe supersnipe 56-60, M Nov 26

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    Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?

    A: You can see right through them.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 30

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    Son of A Lawyer While two families were

    waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 14

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    Q: What is the safest place to be in a zombie

    apocalypse? A: The living room. Q: Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage? A: Because the jokes he told where rotten. Q: What do you do if you see a zombie? A: Hope it’s HALLOWEEN! Q: What does it take to become a zombie? A: DEADication! Q: Do zombies eat popcorn...
    Deliciousbrain Deliciousbrain 18-21 1 Response Dec 2

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    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 11

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    A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

    The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging her laundry outside. “That laundry is not very clean,” she says. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” Her husband looked on, but...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 10

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    A couple of young children are at day care one

    day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?" "Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks. The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 17

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    A salesmen rang a house doorbell

    and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 13-15, F Jul 23

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    Why I Like To Get Behind Men At The ATM

          A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 6 Responses Aug 6, 2013

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 10 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

    A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28

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    what is that thing which have a nose

    but no face ans: nobody nose ;D
    joethangbali joethangbali 18-21, M Oct 31

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    Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss,

    Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 5

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 21

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    Old man comes into a restaurant,

    sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 4

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    Johnny's mother had three children.

    The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
    Iamgroot9995 Iamgroot9995 18-21, M 1 Response Oct 11

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses Oct 5

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1

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    This is the only war

    when you sleep with the enemy. When your fight to keep the enemy alive What is it?
    Spenx12 Spenx12 13-15, M 2 Responses Oct 16

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...