I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 4,856 People

    Follow your dream they always tell you.

    Unless... it's a person. From a police perspective they call that stalking. Would have been nice to know that ten minutes ago.
    slingshot007 slingshot007
    51-55, M
    Jan 4

    Will a lion cheat on his wife?

    .. .. .. .. No, but Tiger Wood..!!
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Sep 25, 2014

    I took a sexual harassment course this morning .

    ...I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.
    slingshot007 slingshot007
    51-55, M
    Jan 6

    Valentine died for love,

    Romeo also died for love, Jack in titanic died for love, Samson in the Bible died for love, Greek heroes Hercules & Archilles died 4 love.. I wonder where are women's? ha.. ha.. ha...
    Devil08 Devil08
    22-25, M
    1 Response Feb 10

    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

    NEW RIDDLE 8=demon why?

    3=demon why? work it out.
    slivereyes slivereyes
    36-40, F
    2 Responses Apr 12

    Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck.

    ..she took it round the corner to teach it how too... fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea, the more you eat, the more you drink the more you want too... peeter had a boat, the boat began to rock, up jumped jaws and bit off his cocktail, ginger ale, forty cents a...
    foReverYOURS3211 foReverYOURS3211
    26-30, F
    3 Responses Aug 5, 2015

    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 2, 2014

    A young girl missed her period

    for two months.. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a...
    msb2015 msb2015
    26-30, M
    2 Responses Feb 21

    I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV

    show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch it or not?
    slingshot007 slingshot007
    51-55, M
    1 Response Jan 5

    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Oct 21, 2014

    new riddle for you today.

    what stinks when you take it off?
    slivereyes slivereyes
    36-40, F
    4 Responses Apr 4

    Sometimes when you cry no one sees ur tears.

    Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile. But fart just one time.... : )
    msb2015 msb2015
    26-30, M
    4 Responses Aug 26, 2015

    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 22, 2015

    CAT: Dirty Blondes What does a Blonde say

    after having multiple *******? Way to go Team!!! - Laugh at more jokes and you'll get a flatter stomach...
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    Jan 2

    Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag

    of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
    slingshot007 slingshot007
    51-55, M
    3 Responses Feb 8

    A man entered a pet shop,

    wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses May 13, 2015

    what does a monkey say to the nun?

    A: ohhhh icch ick ****
    kasydragon kasydragon
    26-30, F
    3 Responses Apr 4

    I love them!!!! They lift my mood up

    and I love it when I ask people about jokes and riddles !!!!!
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jan 3
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Mar 16

    The pickel and the penis were talking the

    pickle said to the penis how would you like to.be me I get choped up dised up sliced up thrown on a sandwich and aten the penis said to the pickel you think you got it bad I get forced in to deep dark caves and made to do pushups tull I puke.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jan 23

    my friend son was singing a song.

    it went like this 123 the cat done a poo in my shoe 456 the cat done a poo on my homework hehehe.
    slivereyes slivereyes
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Mar 27

    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen
    41-45, F
    8 Responses Sep 14, 2013

    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Oct 28, 2014

    When Gandhi was studying law at the University

    College of London, a professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always confrontations. One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Aug 15, 2015

    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 23, 2015

    A monkey was watching a human couple under a

    tree.....and wondering..... What magic is this??!!! "The banana never ends even after so many BITES. LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 9, 2015

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08
    36-40, F
    4 Responses Dec 30, 2014

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

    ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 28, 2015

    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 7, 2015

    Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns.

    " Billy: "Who, me?" Teacher: Well done!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses May 16, 2015

    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1
    66-70, M
    4 Responses Jul 15, 2013

    During an English lesson,

    the teacher instructed his students to write a composition. Question.Assume you are in a war,write a story on your experience? Akpos did not write anything and kept seated.the teacher got puzzled,walked to akpos' desk and asked him why he was not doing the exercise. akpos...
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Dec 1, 2015

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids

    overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I...
    lasergraph lasergraph
    61-65, M
    6 Responses Jun 25, 2015

    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 18, 2014

    guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do

    you mind if I sit beside you?? The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said...
    msb2015 msb2015
    26-30, M
    3 Responses Aug 24, 2015

    LACTOSE INTOLERANT. About those people

    who are lactose intolerant, isn't that another form of discrimination? ~
    TheOriginalRandyD TheOriginalRandyD
    51-55, M
    Jan 25

    this all things devours; birds,

    beasts, trees, flowers; gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stone to meal; slays kings, ruins towns, beats mountains down
    LoneHunterCD LoneHunterCD
    18-21, M
    1 Response Jan 5

    Baldness Little Johnny was eating breakfast

    one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Feb 26, 2015

    A man walked into a bar,

    he walked up to the barman and said, "I'll have a cold beer." "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent." "One cent?" the man thought. Then he glanced at a menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and s bottle of wine?" The barman replied, "A nickel." "Only a nickel! That...
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Jan 1

    Fcuk and Weight loss: John saw an ad in a

    newspaper..... "lose 5kg in a week" He calls the company & lady says " be ready tomorrow at 6am." The next morning he opens the door & finds a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying , "u catch me u Fcuk me!" & the girl starts running... He starts running but...
    Devil08 Devil08
    22-25, M
    1 Response Jan 30

    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jun 27, 2014

    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 28, 2014

    A native american chief walks into the pharmacy

    and says, "Chief need condoms." The pharmacist gladly obliges and sells him a box of sheepskin condoms. The chief comes back a while later, and says, "Condom no work. Chief disappointed." The pharmacist asked him why he felt this way. Chief says, "Left nut go MM, right nut go...
    Elexxa Elexxa
    26-30, T
    Mar 17

    A son walk up to his dad

    and says father there some thing i have to tell you you might want take a sit down cos it going to be hard for you to hear this. The father sits down and the son says dad i think I'm gay i like other boys. The father looks at the son and o thank bleep for that the way you dress...
    CandiceMarieAllcoxx CandiceMarieAllcoxx
    22-25, T
    1 Response Nov 27, 2015

    What concert costs 45 cents?

    ? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Mar 16

    On Sunday, akpors was sitting in the church.

    his friend invited him for a thanksgiving service. When it was time for offering, the offering basket was passed around. Despite the Pastor's charge for generous offering, he still hurriedly and secretly pulled out GHC 1.00 from his pocket and dropped it. Just then, the person...
    Newport50 Newport50
    18-21, M
    Nov 27, 2015

    Category: Self-Deprecating Humor vs.

    Self-Depreciating Humor, you be the judge, but either way it paints a better picture than Self-Defecating Humor.👌 A Resounding Purpose: Do you ever Self-Deprecate in front of others to get a laugh out of them, even if what you tell them isn't Very truthful at all? I have and...
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    1 Response Jan 2

    Knock knock.  Who's there?

      To.  To who?  To whom! Highbrow literary humor is what's what now days... What, 'two' soon?!?! - Laugh at more jokes and you'll get a flatter stomach...
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 23, 2015

    A prison governor is appalled by the poor

    standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses May 10, 2015

    Well this joke is on me,

    When I was in school we had a letter writing day n teacher would pick n read one out loud.. Randomly my letter was picked,my letter was address to my mom.I wrote Dear mom, Who are you? Instead of Dear mom, How are you? My teacher plus the whole class burst into laughter well...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jan 2

    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1
    66-70, M
    6 Responses Jul 31, 2013

    A boy asks his father,

    "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 2

    Queation: What happens one in a minute,

    twice in a moment, but never in a trillion years? This hass been my favorite riddle of all time since I was really young. I have no idea why. It's super simple and everything. But I always got stumped on it when I was really really little. just like this one: Steve is in...
    redpanda1997 redpanda1997
    18-21, F
    1 Response Jan 5

    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1
    66-70, M
    6 Responses Aug 10, 2013

    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 28, 2014

    A guy goes to see his doctor,

    and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop ************." And the guy's like, "What, why?" The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 23, 2015
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