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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,924 People

    The actor Paul Newman started his Hole in the

    Wall Gang Camp for kids with blood diseases, AIDS and cancer. One day Paul and his wife Joanne Woodward dropped in to eat lunch with all the children. One counselor sitting at the next table thought that many of these kids would not realize Paul Newman was world-famous as a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 2

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    The poker player. Two couples were playing

    poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and...
    ToyManx ToyManx 46-50, M 4 Responses Feb 6

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    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1, 2014

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    Two lovely old biddies had been friends

    for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week for a cup of tea and a natter. One day they were sipping their tea when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 8

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 30, 2014

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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

    ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 28

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 5, 2014

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    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2, 2014

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 4 Responses Feb 5

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    What do sex gods eat

    for breakfast?
    kmf456 kmf456 56-60, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

    He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car. Problem - thought Ben...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 9

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 23, 2014

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    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    I am the beginning of the end,

    The end of time and space , And I surround every place, What am I?
    Ezla617 Ezla617 13-15, F 1 Response May 18

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    A Retired Person's Perspective: 1.

    I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 1 day ago

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 9 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    Q: Why are pirates so mean?

    A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 28, 2014

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    "Thanks for the harmonica you gave me

    for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 18

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    “I’ve never flown before,

    said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 12

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    An old, stingy man was dying

    and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 15

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    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a computer

    with an elephant? A: Lots of memory!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 18, 2014

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    This guy, caught up in the fitness craze,

    joined a club that offered a reasonably priced membership. Not surprisingly, he never went after the first month. Even so, a year later he hurried back to renew. "Do you guys have a name for people like me who join and never show up?" he jokingly asked the man behind the counter...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    Cover charge: $15 Round of drinks: $23 Table

    dance: $30 A round of shots: $34 Private dance in your hotel room: $300 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Jun 14

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    Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road

    when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit." Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 22

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31, 2014

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    A prison governor is appalled by the poor

    standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 10

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    The young couple invited their aged pastor

    for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 31

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    Little Harold was practicing the violin in the

    living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Feb 18

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    A man was wheeling himself frantically down the

    hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 29

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14, 2014

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 9 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns.

    " Billy: "Who, me?" Teacher: Well done!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 7 Responses May 16

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    Late one night at the insane asylum,

    one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 23

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    A surgeon and his son are riding in a car

    together when they get into a terrible accident. Both are in a coma when they arrive at the hospital. The son is taken for emergency surgery. The surgeon sees the son and says "I cannot perform this operation, this is my son." How is this possible?
    hisdudeness3 hisdudeness3 31-35, M 2 Responses May 10

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    A man entered a pet shop,

    wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 8 Responses May 13

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    Little Johnny is always being teased by the

    other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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