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I Like Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,104 People

    You got me! A customer walks into a restaurant

    and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    A Couple....

    .....is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 2 Responses Jul 16, 2013

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    Q: Why didn't Cain please God?

    A: Because he just wasn't Able.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 28, 2014

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    A Nun Arrives At The Local Bar John was

    sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 16

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    For Those Over 70

    I am not in the over 70 group, but someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will too.       Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)   Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!! A good laugh for people in...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 4 Responses Sep 5, 2013

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    A policeman pulled a car over

    and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27, 2014

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    Its better to arrive late.

    ........than to arrive ugly!
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Feb 5

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    A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX

    with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very...
    EclipseV EclipseV 31-35, M 2 Responses Feb 24

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    Glad I Am Not A Car.

                                                                                                                                      If my body was...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 5 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Q: If I have it, I don’t share it.

    If I share it, I don’t have it. What is it?
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 Response Feb 20

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    Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

    He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car. Problem - thought Ben...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 9

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an

    after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 31, 2014

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    Q: What word becomes shorter

    when you add two letters to it?
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 20

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    What walks down an alley,

    and has holes in it? I'm looking for a specific answer... who can get it?
    HazyMoon HazyMoon 18-21, T 4 Responses Mar 14

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    I Sent My Son to Israel A Jewish father was

    concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 24

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    In surgery for a heart attack,

    a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Oct 5, 2014

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    Within two weeks of moving into a new house,

    the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let my wife be having an affair."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 12

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    An old man is afraid

    that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 23, 2014

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    Undeniable Adult Truths

      Undeniable Adult Truths   1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.   2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   3. I totally take back all those...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 8 Responses Jul 31, 2013

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    Which is your current status !

    1) single😊 2) relationship 😇3) waiting for something that will never happen 😓✌️?😂
    1990arjun 1990arjun 22-25, M 2 Responses Feb 24

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    Teacher: Little Johnny,

    go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jul 1, 2014

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    I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to

    traffic. Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman driving with her face leaning up close to her rear view mirror doing her eyes up! I looked away for a couple of seconds and looking back ... she was heading halfway over into...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 1 Response Mar 13

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    A salesmen rang a house doorbell

    and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
    Tasha15Girl Tasha15Girl 16-17, F Jul 23, 2014

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    The children were all lined up

    for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.” “That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 23

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    The robbery Two friends,

    Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14, 2014

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    Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one

    way street. "And where do you think you are going?" Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 22

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    Want to hear a pizza joke….

    nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 21

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    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd

    found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    Baldness Little Johnny was eating breakfast

    one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 26

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    Dracula was on a night out with his buddies

    and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 20

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    My grandson was visiting one day

    when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 7

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    A well-worn one dollar bill

    and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?

    It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her." "Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a

    bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 30, 2014

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    A middle aged man walks into a psychologists

    office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask. The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    A bus station is where a bus stops.

    A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses Feb 19

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    A supermodel finds a mirror compact,

    looks inside, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." A second supermodel takes a look too, and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 9

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    Slow Mom, Fast Mom Little David's mother was

    in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg. Hello, he said, how long have you been here? Oh, about a month. Let me see your baby, he then asked. Why, i haven't a baby...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    The poker player. Two couples were playing

    poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and...
    ToyManx ToyManx 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 6

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    One Sunday a pastor told the congregation

    that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 4

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    Taxes A Dutchman was explaining the red,

    white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 19

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    Trying to Please Mama The first woman was

    elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?” "Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.” "But you know I need special foods for my diet.” "Mom, I’m going to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 8

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    The Guardian Angel's Mistake A middle aged

    woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2, 2014

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    Dog For Sale :

           A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 9 Responses Aug 10, 2013

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    The Polish Man

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
    HedoZen HedoZen 41-45, F 8 Responses Sep 14, 2013

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    After church on Sunday morning,

    a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 13

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    A man walks in a bank,

    pulls out a gun, and robs the bank... Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "YES!" The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses