joined a club that offered a reasonably priced membership. Not surprisingly, he never went after the first month. Even so, a year later he hurried back to renew.
"Do you guys have a name for people like me who join and never show up?" he jokingly asked the man behind the counter...
a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy
sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first
and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question
before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."
shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are...
and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the...
woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her...
poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and...
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the...
you mind if I sit beside you??
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said...
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much...
College of London, a professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always confrontations.
One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University...
for a woman who just passed
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they
accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees...
Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul...
for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went...
when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that...
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.
St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit...
and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"
and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" She sobs yes. "Did you hit him with that golf club," he asks?
"Yes, yes I did," she answers, dropping the club and putting her hands to her face.
that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was NOT perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on...
with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however...
ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order...
one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said...
in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother.
He wandered into an adjoining room which was ocupied by a woman with a broken leg.
Hello, he said, how long have you been here?
Oh, about a month.
Let me see your baby, he then asked.
Why, i haven't a baby...