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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,570 People

    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 2 Responses Dec 21, 2014

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    Bonjovi11 Bonjovi11 13-15, M 2 Responses Jan 6

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    I like anything that makes me laugh,

    cuz laughter is the best thing in the world, to do and to hear.
    PieBombs PieBombs 13-15, F Nov 22, 2014

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    Airport Jokes Getting on a plane,

    I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 4 days ago

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12, 2014

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    The children had all been photographed,

    and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 27, 2014

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    Two college students,

    Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    I have a reputation at work

    for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 10

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    Ok your the bus driver twenty people get on

    your bus at the first stop six of those people get off while two more people get on. At the next stop three people get off and one person gets on but while the doors are open a dog wanders on the bus and since it is against the rules for animals to be on the bus it has to get...
    Bonjovi11 Bonjovi11 13-15, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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    Plane: How do you fly

    so fast? Rocket: You'll know when your butt is on fire.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 14 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    They say it takes a big man to cry.

    And it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that first man. Jack Handy
    tryingagainII tryingagainII 56-60, M Dec 14, 2014

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    My friend Brent has te most sexiest racist

    but funny jokes, he doesn't mean to be mean but it just comes to his head. In ROTC some coast guard people came and my friend Mary said she wants to be a swimmer. Brent said now she has a reason to smell fishy xD xD. There's this other time where he was like what's a blank piece...
    brownzugar brownzugar 16-17, M Nov 26, 2014

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    Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual

    morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    I got a sweater for Christmas,

    but I wanted a screamer or a moaner!!!!!!
    extant1 extant1 51-55, M 3 Responses Dec 29, 2014

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    Deadly prophecy A medieval astrologer

    prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 8, 2014

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    mother1983 mother1983 31-35, F 2 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    Give It the Gas! Three guys were sitting at a

    table in a restaurant, involved in a heated argument. "It's "W-O-O-M!" declared one. "No! No!" yelled another. "It's W-H-O-O-M!" The third declared, "You're both wrong! It's W-U-M-M!" Then a middle-aged lady approached their table. "Excuse me," she said. "I'm an English teacher...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 1 Response Dec 15, 2014

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    adiscorpion41 adiscorpion41 22-25, M 38 Responses 5 days ago

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 25, 2014

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    Untrustworthy117 Untrustworthy117 16-17, M 1 Response Nov 26, 2014

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    i heard this one on a cartoon.

    so a lady goes to the doctors office and the doctor said "well ma'am i have bad news and horrible news" the lady replied "oh dear" the doctor said "the bad news is that you have a deadly illnesses and you have one day to live" the lady asked "and how can you have horrible news...
    dlperson dlperson 22-25, M 1 Response Jan 15

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    An elderly woman walked into the local country

    church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    because its easier for me to tell my feelings

    without being caught.. especially to someone.. :(
    shinju03 shinju03 22-25, F Jan 8

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    An 80-year-old man is having his annual

    check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Three Nurses Three nurses died at the same

    time & went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 4 days ago

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    TV Dinner You must first remove the plastic

    cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 4 days ago

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    Q: What do you call people

    who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate clauses
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    A psychologist is selling a video

    that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 9, 2014

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    I never believed in Santa Claus

    because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Dec 26, 2014

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    One-Liners Q: What did a team of doctors

    studying Nicole Richie's eating habits conclude? A: She should eat foods rather than cocaine and vodka! Q: Why isn't Nicole Richie worried about going to jail after being found guilty of her latest DUI charge? A: She's pretty good at walking between the bars!. Q: What was...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD Dear

    Dad Sydney is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. I feel it embarrassing. Your Loving, Nasser Next day, Nasser...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 1 Response Dec 30, 2014

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    A gentleman was having some physical problems

    and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses