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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,778 People

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    When I become a ghost I'm gonna leave messages

    on walls in blood but they're going to be really positive like "you did a great job today."
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Mar 21

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    When right and wrong hangs in the balance,

    when grave measures have to be taken, you call the man who knows all the angles. This summer he will fix the problems you can't handle. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in the much awaited sequel to ERASER. THE PROTRACTOR.
    Redivivus Redivivus 26-30, M Jun 29

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    A nurse had to take a patient back to her room

    after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 2

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    One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

    He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 30

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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    This couple sitting talking woman says

    if we win the lottery i getting a nice big house in sunny place with big flash swimming pool and fancy kitchen and a new car..... second pause then the husband replies that funny cos if i win the lottery I'm getting a divorce before you can go spending it all
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 13

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    You Fool A pastor was opening his mail one

    morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!” The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 17

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    The thing I hate the most about the subway is

    every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 10

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    So this guy get captured by the enemy

    and he's blindfolded in front off the firing squad and this mean angry looking general walks over to him. Right you do you have any last requests before you die? the man lifts his head and say yes can i please have a weeks head start
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 12

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    It was three o'clock in the morning,

    and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 5

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    A man walks up to guy in the street asks him

    excuse me sure i doing a quiz survey If three falls in the wood and there no one around to hear do's the tree really fall the guy pause and thinks and say if i been screwing you wife and theres no one around to catch me has you wife been comittin
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 16

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    I bought an automatic air freshener

    and that damn things scares the **** out of me Sounds like a ghost sneezing
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Mar 31

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    A father and his daughter were in a crowded

    elevator. Suddenly a woman near them turned around and slapped that father in the face then stormed off at the next stop. His daughter said, "It's okay Dad, I didn't like her either. She stepped on my foot so I pinched her."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 22

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F Nov 4, 2014

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    Pipe Organ A local church built a new

    sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 hrs ago

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    Why Indian Students are Disliked Abroad!

    (Not sure if this is true :P ) It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 6 Responses Jul 3

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    Cookie Monster A woman went into a restaurant

    for lunch, and noticed that the kitchen had a big window in front of it so that people can watch the chef prepare the food. As she watched, the chef took a small ball of dough, put it under his armpit, and squeezed. Then he put the flattened dough on a cookie sheet and continued...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Before a burglary trial,

    the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked. “They’re people just like you – your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 8

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    Biblical Babysitter Q.

    Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 16

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

    He only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Apr 6

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    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response Jun 22

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    "I told you I was right!

    " cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 20

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    Did you hear about the two explorers,

    Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them? Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 21

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    Q: Did you hear about the cannibals

    that attended the wedding? A: They toasted the bride and groom.
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 20

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    missing person Recently,

    a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Apr 13

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    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    A guy says to the bartender,

    "A glass of your finest Less, please." "Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 11

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    A boy had reached four without giving up the

    habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 19

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    A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.

    A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?" "Yes," came the reply. "Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 26

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08 22-25, M 27 Responses Jan 21

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jhayz Jhayz 26-30, F 17 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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