Post

I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,367 People

    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 25

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Things learned from children.

    .. Some things I've learned from my children: Super glue "is" forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters "do not like Jell-O!" A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Aug 25

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A police officer pulls over this guy who's been

    weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A civil servant is badly hurt,

    after falling down the stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again." "Okay...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Ive just come back from a

    once in a lifetime holiday. I tell you what. Never again
    jason230868 jason230868 36-40, M Sep 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A Cynics Guide to Life: The journey of a

    thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Sep 9

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 24

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Way to have FUN while shopping!

    Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these... Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!" Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible". When an announcement comes over the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 25

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Fun At the Drive-Thru Window!

    Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please". When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 25

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A woman announces to her friend

    that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny,

    "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not!" answered his mother. "If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary,

    "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 1

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

    Your Response

    Cancel
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M Sep 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Airman Jones Airman Jones was assigned to the

    induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 2

    Your Response

    Cancel

    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Mirror An old man

    and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about

    their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    Chrissy1961 Chrissy1961 51-55, F 6 Responses May 16

    Your Response

    Cancel

    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 2

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27

    Your Response

    Cancel

    After a round of golf,

    four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go? The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A cowboy rode into town

    and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 22 mins ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Four catholic women are having coffee together

    discussing how importnat their children are. The first one tells her friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father" The second one says, " Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone say Your Grace". The third...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 5 Responses Sep 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18

    Your Response

    Cancel

    “My memory is gone Mildred,

    so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Sep 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 16 Responses Jul 13, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Ways to tell someone they are goofy!

    Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy: A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Sep 9

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    One day during cooking class,

    the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man looking for love sent his picture to the

    Lonely Hearts Club. The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Wife: what is 10 years with me?

    Husband: a second Wife: what is $1000 for me? Husband: a coin Wife: ok give me a coin Husband: wait a second
    Friendlyman64 Friendlyman64 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I went to the local bar yesterday.

    As i was drinking my beer i heard someone talking with a high pitched voice...kind`of like a chipmonk, I turned and noticed a guy in a navy uniform with a very unusual small head. The bartender asked him..."hey buddy,y do u have such a small head? Is it like an illness when u...
    LuvButtz LuvButtz 46-50, M Sep 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man, his wife and his mother in law went on

    vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $ 5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $ 150" The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses Sep 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette

    after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 3

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?

    A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M Sep 5

    Your Response

    Cancel
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 4 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Why did the bicycle fall over?

    Because it was two-tired
    ItsAlexYay ItsAlexYay 13-15, T 1 Response Aug 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Whats the difference between ooohh

    and AAAHHH... 3 inches!
    Cindycindy1234okk Cindycindy1234okk 41-45, F 2 Responses Apr 28

    Your Response

    Cancel

    GM vs Microsoft At a recent computer expo

    (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Sep 9

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A wife was busy frying eggs

    when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 30

    Your Response

    Cancel