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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,446 People

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28

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    Little Johnny's father asked

    for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 10

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Passover Miracles for Moses?

    Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 7

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

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    A college student with a young child was pleased

    when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 30

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26

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    Two college students,

    Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 51-55, F Nov 4

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    I like anything that makes me laugh,

    cuz laughter is the best thing in the world, to do and to hear.
    PieBombs PieBombs 13-15, F 3 days ago

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 25

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    Chrissy1961 Chrissy1961 51-55, F 5 Responses May 16

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9

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    Q: What did the Black Eyed Peas do at Wiz

    Khalifa's costume party? A: They dressed up in black and yellow, black and yellow, and said, "I'm a bee, I'm a bee, I'm a I'm a I'm a bee!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 27

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5

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    Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?

    A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 25

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15

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    Hillbilly son introducing his fiancé to his

    family. Paw, I'd like you to meet Charlebelle ain't she pretty? She shaw is son, wheredya find her? Well paw she's from the Jacksons across the valley. She's 14. Well son that's fine & dandy! I know paw, and what's more she's a virgin! Well that does it son, you ain't...
    SwampyStables SwampyStables 46-50, M Oct 28

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    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26

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    Baaaaad Parrot ! A young man named John

    received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft...
    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate A:

    He's the one with patches over both eyes.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 6

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    mother1983 mother1983 26-30, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 24

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    How many Born Again Christians does it take to

    change a lightbulb? A. 5. One to change the lightbulb and four to see the light.
    SwampyStables SwampyStables 46-50, M 2 Responses Oct 28

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been

    unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 12

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    Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

    A: She had three men giving her directions.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 5

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    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 4 days ago

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    When my physician said

    that my headaches were caused by tension in my neck and shoulders, I looked around for a product that would relax those muscles. The perfect solution seemed to be a neck wrap that was designed to be cooled in the freezer or heated in the microwave. Luckily for me, the product...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 7

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    I had the toughest time of my life.

    First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 26

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    Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual

    morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Three RINGS when you get married.

    The engagement RING, wedding RING and the suffeRING! Lol #repost
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F Nov 17

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    A Golf Club Visits A Local Bar A golf club

    walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 24

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    A doctor examined a woman,

    took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Oct 30

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    A guy is walking down the street with his

    friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 29

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 13 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most

    in me, "my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 2

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    The children had all been photographed,

    and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 27

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12

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    dambookworm14 dambookworm14 13-15, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5

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    How many therapists does it take to change a

    lightbulb? A. One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.
    SwampyStables SwampyStables 46-50, M Oct 28

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