I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,820 People

    I bought an automatic air freshener

    and that damn things scares the **** out of me Sounds like a ghost sneezing
    Geekjunk Geekjunk
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Mar 31, 2015

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 18, 2014

    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses May 12, 2014

    Honesty is the best policy,

    but insanity makes for a better legal defense...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Feb 1

    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Jun 21, 2014

    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    4 Responses Aug 27, 2014

    Is it true that cannibals don't like to eat

    clowns because they taste funny?
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Nov 7, 2015

    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles
    18-21, F
    1 Response Jun 2, 2014

    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jhayz Jhayz
    26-30, F
    16 Responses Jul 13, 2013

    Have you heard about the new high-tech broom

    that just came out? It's sweeping the nation. God that's bad 😁
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Feb 8

    Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary,

    "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Mar 1, 2014

    COME TO TEXAS! A New York businessman

    and his partner were looking to relocate their business, so the businessman sent his partner to Texas in order to scope things out for a possible relocation site. It so happened that a young well-dressed woman was walking down a street in Forth Worth when she unluckily slipped...
    BadPam BadPam
    56-60, F
    6 Responses Oct 27, 2015

    Three guys go to a ski lodge,

    and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the...
    NOBODY0122 NOBODY0122
    22-25, M
    Dec 9, 2015

    whats the difference between rape

    and football ...........................girls dont like football
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    Oct 18, 2015

    Do you know what a dyslexic insomniac agnostic

    person is? One who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
    Ben1888 Ben1888
    13-15, M
    Dec 23, 2015

    Superstition

    A thief and his accomplice entered a high-rise building and stole some jeweleries from an apartment. Suddenly, they heard police sirens. Thief : Quick buddy! The police are coming! Jump out of the window! Accomplice: But we're on the 13th floor! Thief : You...
    Jhayz Jhayz
    26-30, F
    7 Responses Jul 13, 2013

    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 15, 2014

    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 15, 2014

    There were two economists

    who were shipwrecked on a desert island. They had no money but over the next three years they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Feb 9

    your going to rip it!

    that's what she said.
    buzzking buzzking
    13-15, M
    Dec 27, 2015

    so heres one for the men ,

    the wife asks me the other day, out of all my friends who do you think is the prettiest, men we know there is no right answer to this question. so im thinking in for penny, isays to her well diane is really pretty, but carol does that thingy with her tongue...
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    2 Responses Oct 18, 2015

    Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

    He only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Apr 6, 2015

    If you're an astronaut

    and you don't end a relationship with "look, I just need space " then you're just wasting everybody's time
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Feb 1

    When I become a ghost I'm gonna leave messages

    on walls in blood but they're going to be really positive like "you did a great job today."
    Geekjunk Geekjunk
    18-21, M
    5 Responses Mar 21, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 23

    SPEECH THERAPY! A guy with a very serious

    stuttering problem goes to see a speech therapist who is highly recommended by doctors. "How may I help you?" asks the therapist. The guy replies, "I-I-I have th-th-this sa-sa-sa-stuttering pa-pa-problem." "So I see!" says the therapist. "I can help you with that, but I warn you...
    BadPam BadPam
    56-60, F
    2 Responses Nov 1, 2015

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses May 16, 2014

    Teacher: "Why did you laugh?

    " Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..." Teacher: "Why did you laugh?" Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month." The teacher bends to pick a chalk...
    Lucifer63 Lucifer63
    16-17, M
    3 Responses Apr 12

    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly
    51-55, F
    12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

    Behind every good selfie is approximately 47

    nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 10, 2015

    If you don't pay a exorcist,

    do you get repossessed?
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 8, 2015

    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08
    22-25, M
    21 Responses Jan 21, 2015

    How hungry was the first person

    that looked at a chicken and though I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out off that chickens ***
    CandiceMarieAllcoxx CandiceMarieAllcoxx
    22-25, T
    1 Response Jan 1

    A little boy was doing maths homework,

    saying to himself, 2+5 the son of ***** is 7, 3+6 the son of ***** is 9 His mother heared this & asked "what r u doing?" Boy, "doing my maths' homework". Mom: & this is how ur teacher taught u? Boy: "Yes" Infurriated mother called the teacher: R u teaching maths to children by...
    om2013 om2013
    26-30, M
    1 Response Feb 26, 2015
    CandiceMarieAllcoxx CandiceMarieAllcoxx
    22-25, T
    Nov 6, 2015

    What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    The holocaust. :3 Anti-jokes for the win!
    FoolOfATook FoolOfATook
    16-17, F
    3 Responses Nov 10, 2015

    when a dogs in heat ,

    it means he want sex ................thats my defense anyway..............................................................................
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    1 Response Oct 18, 2015

    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44
    18-21, F
    3 Responses Jun 20, 2014
    Camille7 Camille7
    46-50, F
    4 Responses Feb 2, 2015

    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jun 7, 2014

    Does a chicken have lips?

    Can an elephant make a living blowing bubbles through his nose?
    johnny253 johnny253
    70+, M
    2 Responses Dec 2, 2015

    I hate Russian nesting dolls.

    They're so full of themselves
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 10, 2015

    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 26, 2014

    some people think dolphins are intelligent ,

    i think thats only true, against the retards we make them swim with............
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    Oct 18, 2015

    you know guys if you want impress a female ,

    you got to compliment them, like boy your really fast runner, you nearly got away ,and of course we all know no means no but what does help mean ?..................it means the bloody gags come loose ..............
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    1 Response Oct 18, 2015

    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 27, 2014

    i wonder how many of you went to catholic

    schools, very odd places ,you know they never taught sex education to the kids they did nt want to tell them, no they thought it would be much better to show them .....................just sayin
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    Oct 18, 2015

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Aug 28, 2014

    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam
    56-60, F
    Nov 4, 2014

    "I’m in a long distance relationship.

    Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still."
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 11, 2015

    missing person Recently,

    a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 13, 2015

    CAT: Remember to Forget A man walks into a bar

    and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender exclaims "Wow, 12!" Then he swiftly asks, "What are you celebrating, stranger?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." With an air of proudness, the bartender says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another...
    zacqknight zacqknight
    36-40, M
    3 Responses Jan 2

    This spider just got away from me

    because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 10, 2015

    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Sep 5, 2014

    A teacher was wrapping up class,

    and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ***, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole...
    NOBODY0122 NOBODY0122
    22-25, M
    2 Responses Dec 9, 2015

    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 26, 2014

    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99
    36-40, F
    1 Response May 26, 2014

    you know that feeling you get ,

    when she looks across the room and says he is one your honour
    zken zken
    51-55, M
    Oct 18, 2015
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