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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,597 People

    One-Liners Q: What did a team of doctors

    studying Nicole Richie's eating habits conclude? A: She should eat foods rather than cocaine and vodka! Q: Why isn't Nicole Richie worried about going to jail after being found guilty of her latest DUI charge? A: She's pretty good at walking between the bars!. Q: What was...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses Jan 22

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    Two college students,

    Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    A little boy was doing maths homework,

    saying to himself, 2+5 the son of ***** is 7, 3+6 the son of ***** is 9 His mother heared this & asked "what r u doing?" Boy, "doing my maths' homework". Mom: & this is how ur teacher taught u? Boy: "Yes" Infurriated mother called the teacher: R u teaching maths to children by...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 1 Response a week ago

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    The English Version Then there was the Cockney

    who entered a spelling contest. His word was "Auspice." He spelled it wrong.
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 2 Responses Jan 31

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    Bonjovi11 Bonjovi11 13-15, M 2 Responses Jan 6

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    i heard this one on a cartoon.

    so a lady goes to the doctors office and the doctor said "well ma'am i have bad news and horrible news" the lady replied "oh dear" the doctor said "the bad news is that you have a deadly illnesses and you have one day to live" the lady asked "and how can you have horrible news...
    dlperson dlperson 22-25, M 1 Response Jan 15

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    chadcdft chadcdft 18-21, M Feb 23

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    An 80-year-old man is having his annual

    check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Jan 22

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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    An elderly woman walked into the local country

    church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 14 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    Airport Jokes Getting on a plane,

    I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jan 22

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    TV Dinner You must first remove the plastic

    cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jan 22

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    because its easier for me to tell my feelings

    without being caught.. especially to someone.. :(
    shinju03 shinju03 22-25, F Jan 8

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    Drinking Jacket A little girl was watching

    her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    The children had all been photographed,

    and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 27, 2014

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a

    Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Feb 8

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    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 25, 2014

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    I love to laugh so if you can tell me a funny

    joke whether it's cheesy or just down right nasty.....if it hits me in a funny way then I'll be laughing!
    AvaDay AvaDay 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 24

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    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

    'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 27

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    Some actual product warning labels: On the

    bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!) On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 8

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD Dear

    Dad Sydney is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. I feel it embarrassing. Your Loving, Nasser Next day, Nasser...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 1 Response Dec 30, 2014

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    Camille7 Camille7 46-50, F 4 Responses Feb 2

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    Jim was speeding along the road one fine day

    when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 8

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    Ok your the bus driver twenty people get on

    your bus at the first stop six of those people get off while two more people get on. At the next stop three people get off and one person gets on but while the doors are open a dog wanders on the bus and since it is against the rules for animals to be on the bus it has to get...
    Bonjovi11 Bonjovi11 13-15, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    A drunk driver is stopped

    for heading the wrong way on a one-way street. The police officer asked the driver, "Didn't you see the arrows?" The drunk responds, "Arrows? I couldn't even see the Indians."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    The Car Wash A church choir was putting on a

    car wash to raise money for a special trip to Bethlehem. They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP. On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.Finally, one of the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 29

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F Nov 4, 2014

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Feb 21

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    A doctor says to a man,

    "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jan 22

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    Three Nurses Three nurses died at the same

    time & went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jan 22

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    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 2 Responses Feb 13

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