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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,802 People

    Before a burglary trial,

    the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked. “They’re people just like you – your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 8

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    Q: Did you hear about the cannibals

    that attended the wedding? A: They toasted the bride and groom.
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 20

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    A man walks up to guy in the street asks him

    excuse me sure i doing a quiz survey If three falls in the wood and there no one around to hear do's the tree really fall the guy pause and thinks and say if i been screwing you wife and theres no one around to catch me has you wife been comittin
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 16

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    Biblical Babysitter Q.

    Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 16

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    Cookie Monster A woman went into a restaurant

    for lunch, and noticed that the kitchen had a big window in front of it so that people can watch the chef prepare the food. As she watched, the chef took a small ball of dough, put it under his armpit, and squeezed. Then he put the flattened dough on a cookie sheet and continued...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    So this guy get captured by the enemy

    and he's blindfolded in front off the firing squad and this mean angry looking general walks over to him. Right you do you have any last requests before you die? the man lifts his head and say yes can i please have a weeks head start
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 1 Response Jul 12

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

    He only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Apr 6

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    000Camilla 000Camilla 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 7

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    The thing I hate the most about the subway is

    every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 10

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    A traveler was stumbling through the desert,

    desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Why Indian Students are Disliked Abroad!

    (Not sure if this is true :P ) It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 7 Responses Jul 3

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12, 2014

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    Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed,

    and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art." "You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"
    000Camilla 000Camilla 31-35, F 3 Responses Aug 12

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    A woman wanted to call her husband on his phone

    but discovered that the battery on her phone was dead. So she instructed her young son to use his phone to pass an urgent message to his daddy. After junior called, he told his mummy that a woman had picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried calling. Angry, she waited...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 5

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    It was three o'clock in the morning,

    and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 5

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary,

    "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 1, 2014

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    Pipe Organ A local church built a new

    sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 3

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    I bought an automatic air freshener

    and that damn things scares the **** out of me Sounds like a ghost sneezing
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Mar 31

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    Doreen Tackles Four LadsDoreen Tackles Four

    Lads Doreen, aged 79, finished all the shopping on her weekly list at Walmart supermarket. She walked determinedly towards her car which she had left in the car park. There she saw four youths about to drive away in her car. Doreen became agitated and dropping her shopping to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 4

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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    Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by

    a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!" The other one says, "Why not?" The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    Superstition

    A thief and his accomplice entered a high-rise building and stole some jeweleries from an apartment. Suddenly, they heard police sirens. Thief : Quick buddy! The police are coming! Jump out of the window! Accomplice: But we're on the 13th floor! Thief : You...
    Jhayz Jhayz 26-30, F 7 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    000Camilla 000Camilla 31-35, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

    "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 14

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    A boy had reached four without giving up the

    habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 19

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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    Burnt offering Two men were down at the pub

    talking. The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !" The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy, every night she...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    A nurse had to take a patient back to her room

    after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 2

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    A guy says to the bartender,

    "A glass of your finest Less, please." "Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 11

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    I think i must be suffering from amnesia cos i

    don't remember asking for you ******* stupid *** opinion
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 17

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08 22-25, M 25 Responses Jan 21

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    You Fool A pastor was opening his mail one

    morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!” The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 17

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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