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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,739 People

    BEAT THE CASINO Q: What is the only way to

    keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas? A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08 22-25, M 27 Responses Jan 21

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    This time there are no prophecies.

    This time his parents died for nothing. This time... he has to make his own choices. Coming soon to a theatre near you... HARRY POTTER AND THE EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.
    Redivivus Redivivus 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    This is more on a personal side well they took

    my armed forces entrance exams three times so i said hey i joined to get vietnam over with the oic officer in charge says well all of them came 4 points difference between you and einstein i said hey that aint no problem just note that i am the dumbest genious i ever. met
    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M Jun 12

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    A nurse had to take a patient back to her room

    after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    Play a Game One day little Johnny went to

    school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 16

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12, 2014

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F Nov 4, 2014

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    A father and his daughter were in a crowded

    elevator. Suddenly a woman near them turned around and slapped that father in the face then stormed off at the next stop. His daughter said, "It's okay Dad, I didn't like her either. She stepped on my foot so I pinched her."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 22

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    A new patient was quite upset

    when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Jun 19

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    what did zero say to eight?

    . . . . . . . . . . . ...nice belt
    Ahumblefollower Ahumblefollower 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 12

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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    One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

    He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A photographer for a national magazine was

    assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 18

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    A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.

    A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?" "Yes," came the reply. "Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Superstition

    A thief and his accomplice entered a high-rise building and stole some jeweleries from an apartment. Suddenly, they heard police sirens. Thief : Quick buddy! The police are coming! Jump out of the window! Accomplice: But we're on the 13th floor! Thief : You...
    Jhayz Jhayz 26-30, F 7 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jhayz Jhayz 26-30, F 17 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a

    lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin. A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 14

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    A man was involved in an auto accident.

    A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 21

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    Money is like manure

    if you spred it around it grows But if you let it pile up it stinks like hell
    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M Jun 12

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    Three drunks hailed a taxi.

    The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    supessss supessss 16-17, M Jun 9

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    When right and wrong hangs in the balance,

    when grave measures have to be taken, you call the man who knows all the angles. This summer he will fix the problems you can't handle. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in the much awaited sequel to ERASER. THE PROTRACTOR.
    Redivivus Redivivus 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    I over heard these two dudes sounded like two

    old ladies at a bingo game I walked up said hey dont knock the rich since when did a poor person ever give you a job
    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M Jun 12

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    Two girls were having coffee

    when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained. "Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    Why Indian Students are Disliked Abroad!

    (Not sure if this is true :P ) It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 5 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in

    heaven?" God replied, "$1 million." Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?" God said, "One million years." Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Jun 14

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    the mighty dollar bill.

    yes it looks big in church but take it to a grocery store and see. how big it is then
    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M Jun 12

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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