Post

I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,264 People

    A guy is walking down the street with his

    friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy." His friend replies, "What do you mean?" "It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A vertically challenged psychic was arrested

    one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 15

    Your Response

    Cancel
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Auctions and golf A wife

    and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!" His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 17

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Touch it gently, put two fingers inside,

    if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down! YEP that's how you wash a CUP.......
    Sandyshaw13 Sandyshaw13 36-40, F 3 Responses Jul 16

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up

    her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was

    sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?" Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream". Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Funny Animal Puns-A horse is a very stable

    animal. If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer. After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him. One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane. Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 1 Response Jul 17

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A newsboy was standing on the corner with a

    stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 13

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the

    window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird. Q: What is so ironic about Atheists? A: They’re always talking about God. Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A Sunday school teacher asked her little

    children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A young couple drove several miles down a

    country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Judge asked the defendant,

    "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man was sitting in a bar

    and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    When I Grow Up A nun at a Catholic school

    asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Jesus Jesus was walking along one day,

    when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary,

    "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 1

    Your Response

    Cancel

    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Atm In The Lobby

    I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in... I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby." :o
    TheSecretAgent TheSecretAgent 31-35, M 8 Responses Oct 16, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done?

    A: In big bangs! Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders? A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture. Q: What do you call an intelligent American? A: Atheist.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Marriage counselor Husband to counselor: We

    were very happy for 22 years. Counselor: What happened? Husband: We got married. Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage? Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?

    A: Tell her she's pregnant! Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A: A tran-sister. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    Chrissy1961 Chrissy1961 51-55, F 5 Responses May 16

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Mirror An old man

    and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

    One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 29

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: How do you make an atheist appreciate life?

    A: Break his legs. Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, "Can you believe the way this guy tastes?" Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None! They've invented torches!
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

    St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A visitor from Holland was chatting with his

    American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    What did one ocean say to another.

    ?Nothing they just waved.
    booklover87 booklover87 46-50, F 2 Responses Jul 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The pigs ( police) arrested two kids yesterday,

    one was arrested for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one off...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 1 Response Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Nothing is more exciting

    than when the priest says "now you may go in peace" Jesus walks into a motel, throws three nails on the counter and says "Hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?" Getting a chastity talk from nuns. Yes, please continue to tell me why sex is bad since you know from...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the

    yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 19

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York

    City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A hunter visited another hunter

    and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Smoking Two Jesuit novices

    both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled

    into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 6

    Your Response

    Cancel

    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 16-17, F 2 Responses Jun 2

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Kittens A man sees a boy with a box of

    kittens The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 14 Responses Jul 13, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 6 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 13 Responses Apr 13, 2010

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Tina was gossiping with her friend Sara.

    Tina : Can you tell the Secret for a successful marriage? Sara: You tell. Tina: It's "The Work-Shop". The husband works while the wife shops!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 9

    Your Response

    Cancel