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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,489 People

    Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual

    morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 22

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    I like anything that makes me laugh,

    cuz laughter is the best thing in the world, to do and to hear.
    PieBombs PieBombs 13-15, F Nov 22

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16

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    Plane: How do you fly

    so fast? Rocket: You'll know when your butt is on fire.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 25

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    Untrustworthy117 Untrustworthy117 16-17, M 1 Response Nov 26

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    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18

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    A gentleman was having some physical problems

    and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 26

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    They say it takes a big man to cry.

    And it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that first man. Jack Handy
    tryingagainII tryingagainII 56-60, M Dec 14

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    Little Johnny's father asked

    for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 10

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    mother1983 mother1983 31-35, F 2 Responses Nov 22

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2

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    When my physician said

    that my headaches were caused by tension in my neck and shoulders, I looked around for a product that would relax those muscles. The perfect solution seemed to be a neck wrap that was designed to be cooled in the freezer or heated in the microwave. Luckily for me, the product...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 7

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20

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    My friend Brent has te most sexiest racist

    but funny jokes, he doesn't mean to be mean but it just comes to his head. In ROTC some coast guard people came and my friend Mary said she wants to be a swimmer. Brent said now she has a reason to smell fishy xD xD. There's this other time where he was like what's a blank piece...
    brownzugar brownzugar 16-17, M Nov 26

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    Passover Miracles for Moses?

    Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 7

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    Deadly prophecy A medieval astrologer

    prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 8

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    sixpackbookworm sixpackbookworm 13-15, F 2 Responses Nov 20

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    I was sitting on my own in a restaurant,

    when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As...
    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F Dec 5

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26

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    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F Nov 21

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    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    Give It the Gas! Three guys were sitting at a

    table in a restaurant, involved in a heated argument. "It's "W-O-O-M!" declared one. "No! No!" yelled another. "It's W-H-O-O-M!" The third declared, "You're both wrong! It's W-U-M-M!" Then a middle-aged lady approached their table. "Excuse me," she said. "I'm an English teacher...
    BadPam BadPam 51-55, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Husband: What would you do

    if I won the Lottery? Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 you can start packing anytime now.
    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15

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    Two college students,

    Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

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    Why did the bicycle fall over?

    Because it was two-tired
    ItsMarcoYay ItsMarcoYay 13-15, T 1 Response Aug 20

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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook

    for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an *******!
    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 2 Responses Dec 5

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    A preacher, newly called to a small country

    town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 21

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    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5

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    The man charged into the jewelry shop,

    slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled. "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 13

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9

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    What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy

    boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F Dec 5

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    kay0122 kay0122 41-45, F 1 Response Nov 21

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 13 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7

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    A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been

    unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 12

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26

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    A psychologist is selling a video

    that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 9

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5

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    Three RINGS when you get married.

    The engagement RING, wedding RING and the suffeRING! Lol #repost
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F Nov 17