decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the...
with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act...
desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I...
policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a...
The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !"
The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy, every night she...
A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends
when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that
the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I said to myself, "It is...
Me: with my parents.
Police: where does your parents live?
Me: with me.
Police: where do you all live?
Police: where is your house?
Me: next to my neighbors house.
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: tell me
” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals.
“If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in...
party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation.
"Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman.
"Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle."
"Sorry?" said the Englishman.
"Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
when he knocks on your door? "Pizza!"
What's a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What do you get when you wrap a fun guy in 4 strings? a Porta-cello.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop...
A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed.
"God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly.
Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder.
"Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied.
"I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
sanctuary. They moved their very
fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her...
the United States without knowing much English. He went daily to a local diner to have his meals, but all he knew how to say was "Apple pie and coffee."
So when the waitress asked him what he wanted he would always say "Appla pie anna coffee."
Every day the poor guy ate the same...
a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an...
" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice...
excuse me sure i doing a quiz survey If three falls in the wood and there no one around to hear do's the tree really fall the guy pause and thinks and say if i been screwing you wife and theres no one around to catch me has you wife been comittin
. . .!
It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.
A husband only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
A thief and his accomplice entered a high-rise building and stole some jeweleries from an apartment. Suddenly, they heard police sirens.
Thief : Quick buddy! The police are coming! Jump out of the window!
Accomplice: But we're on the 13th floor!
Thief : You...