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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,686 People

    YAARR, MATIES! One Halloween evening a woman

    opened the front door at the sound of the doorbell. Standing there, Trick or Treat bag in hand, was a little boy dressed as a pirate. He had an eye patch, a little toy cutlass, and on his head a tricorn hat with a skull and crossbones emblazoned on it. "Oh, what a cute little...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 2 Responses May 12

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    A woman answered her front door

    and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    missing person Recently,

    a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Apr 13

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    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    When I become a ghost I'm gonna leave messages

    on walls in blood but they're going to be really positive like "you did a great job today."
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 6 Responses Mar 21

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    I bought an automatic air freshener

    and that damn things scares the **** out of me Sounds like a ghost sneezing
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 3 Responses Mar 31

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    A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the

    street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?" The beggar replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 13

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    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was

    lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 20, 2014

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    Q: What did one elevator say to the other?

    A: I think I'm coming down with. something.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 10

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    Three Englishmen And A Welshman

    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.' His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.' The third Englishman...
    HotMomShaama HotMomShaama 46-50, F 3 Responses Jul 15, 2013

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    A young man at a New Year’s party turns to

    his friend and asks for a cigarette. “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says. ”I'm in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.” ”What's phase one?” his friend asks. ”I've quit...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 6

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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    Sadie walked into a print lab to have a photo

    of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched. She said to the technician, "I have always hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?" "Of course," said the technician, "What colour hair did your husband have?" "When...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    The Black Canyon Biker A man decided

    that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    A mother-in-law sent two ties to her son-in-law.

    Some weeks later, she was invited for lunch, and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her. The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one, with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke. "Alright, what's wrong with the other tie?"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12, 2014

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    The Drunk A cop is staking out a bar

    for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    When George Washington was crossing the

    Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A redneck family from outside Little Rock was

    visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    Just outside the church,

    the small boy found a one pound coin and picked it up. The vicar saw the boy and said: "Hello! I see you've found a coin. Are you going to keep it?" "No, sir," replied the boy. "Excellent, excellent!" beamed the vicar. "I'm going to spend it," said the boy."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 7

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    A young woman is widowed

    after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. "Right now, no," the young woman answers. "I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 2

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    A few days after Christmas,

    a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell 'All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F Nov 4, 2014

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    The new minister stood at the church door

    greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 29

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08 22-25, M 29 Responses Jan 21

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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