decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the...
I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I...
marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful.
She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice?
She replied "well, the first time...
policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the...
Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.
Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on.
Kurt is annoyed by his...
for being a strict boss.
One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of...
your bus at the first stop six of those people get off while two more people get on. At the next stop three people get off and one person gets on but while the doors are open a dog wanders on the bus and since it is against the rules for animals to be on the bus it has to get...
” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed.
"God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly.
Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder.
"Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied.
"I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.
One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third Englishman...
dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him.
He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
but funny jokes, he doesn't mean to be mean but it just comes to his head. In ROTC some coast guard people came and my friend Mary said she wants to be a swimmer. Brent said now she has a reason to smell fishy xD xD. There's this other time where he was like what's a blank piece...
morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got...
if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet...
table in a restaurant, involved in a heated argument.
"It's "W-O-O-M!" declared one.
"No! No!" yelled another. "It's W-H-O-O-M!"
The third declared, "You're both wrong! It's W-U-M-M!"
Then a middle-aged lady approached their table.
"Excuse me," she said. "I'm an English teacher...
drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I said to myself, "It is...
wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
. . .!
It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.
A husband only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
so a lady goes to the doctors office and the doctor said "well ma'am i have bad news and horrible news" the lady replied "oh dear" the doctor said "the bad news is that you have a deadly illnesses and you have one day to live" the lady asked "and how can you have horrible news...
church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to...
Me: with my parents.
Police: where does your parents live?
Me: with me.
Police: where do you all live?
Police: where is your house?
Me: next to my neighbors house.
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: tell me
between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
check-up. The doctor asks him how
he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old
bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a
story. I know a...
time & went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering...
party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged...
A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends
when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that
the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
studying Nicole Richie's eating habits conclude?
A: She should eat foods rather than cocaine and vodka!
Q: Why isn't Nicole Richie worried about going to jail after being found guilty of her latest DUI charge?
A: She's pretty good at walking between the bars!.
Q: What was...
Sydney is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. I feel it embarrassing.
Your Loving, Nasser
Next day, Nasser...
and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.
The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast...