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I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,619 People

    I met this girl on a dating site

    once (true story), and she told me she had a fear of stairs. I told her not to worry, 'We'll take it one step at a time.' :D
    Aethic Aethic 18-21, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    "How did you find your steak?

    " asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant. "Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 9

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    Why We Can't Understand the English During a

    trip to England an American and an Englishman struck up a conversation. "Are you enjoying your stay?" asked the Englishman. "Oh yes!" said the American. "I just made a visit to Chol-mon-de-ly castle." "Sorry?" said the Englishman. "Cholmondeley Castle," the American repeated...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F Nov 4, 2014

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    Three couples went to a restaurant.

    The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 17

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    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 28, 2014

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    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 2, 2014

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    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance

    policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 27, 2014

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    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12, 2014

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    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 2 Responses Feb 13

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    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27, 2014

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    Thanksgiving Day was approaching,

    and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 14

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    scottie1974 scottie1974 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 6

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    FLYING HIGH The new guy was being ribbed by the

    veteran workers in a high-rise office building. One worker told him, "You know, we're so high up here that there is a really strong updraft. You can actually jump out the window and not fall!" The new guy was skeptical. "What?" he scoffed. "No way!" "Oh yes!" said the older...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 1 Response Mar 6

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    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15, 2014

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    Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming

    up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, Where did he come from? He came from heaven, Johnny. Wow! I can see why they threw him out!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Three Catholic girls showed up

    for confession one day. All knowing each other, they decided who would go first. The told the preist that she had given 4 hand jobs in the past week. The priest told her to do 4 hail Mary's and to wash her hands in holy water. As the second one started to go the third one jumped...
    Josh1978 Josh1978 36-40, M 6 days ago

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    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    John Smith witnessed a mugging.

    About an hour later, the cops arrived, and the officer in charge asked the witness his name. "John Smith," said Smith. "Cut the funny business," the cop barked sharply. "What's your real name?" "John Smith," he repeated. "Do I have to run you in?" shouted the cop. "All right...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21, 2014

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    The Power Of God

    A lazy man once went to the forest and furiously prayed. "God? Oh God? Are you there?" the man called out loudly. Suddenly, there was a flash lightning followed by loud thunder. "Yes, my son, what do you want?" God replied. "I hope you don't mind if i ask a few questions...
    Jnyl Jnyl 26-30, F 14 Responses Jul 13, 2013

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    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Jun 15, 2014

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    Kids At The Wedding At a friend's wedding,

    everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 8

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    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Feb 21

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    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife

    wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 15

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses May 16, 2014

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 25, 2014

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    A husband stepped on one of those penny scales

    that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 19

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    The Sexy Man

    A woman was sitting in a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally handsome sexy middle aged man entered.. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attention...
    Tgilly Tgilly 51-55, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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    A little boy was doing maths homework,

    saying to himself, 2+5 the son of ***** is 7, 3+6 the son of ***** is 9 His mother heared this & asked "what r u doing?" Boy, "doing my maths' homework". Mom: & this is how ur teacher taught u? Boy: "Yes" Infurriated mother called the teacher: R u teaching maths to children by...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 1 Response Feb 26

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    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric

    hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 7

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    Two college students,

    Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26, 2014

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    chadcdft chadcdft 18-21, M Feb 23

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    😊 How to keep wife happy .

    . . .! It's really not difficult to make a wife happy. A husband only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a man 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a...
    Devil08 Devil08 22-25, M 34 Responses Jan 21

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    Some actual product warning labels: On the

    bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!) On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 8

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    When I become a ghost I'm gonna leave messages

    on walls in blood but they're going to be really positive like "you did a great job today."
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses a week ago

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    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 3 Responses May 26, 2014

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    Drinking Jacket A little girl was watching

    her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 27

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

    His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7, 2014

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    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18, 2014

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    A teacher asked little Johnny

    if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 9, 2014

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    Teacher: What is the formula

    for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
    sanmac sanmac 61-65, M 2 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15, 2014