Post

I Like Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,329 People

    Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary,

    "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 1

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Police: where do you live?

    Me: with my parents. Police: where does your parents live? Me: with me. Police: where do you all live? Me: together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbors house. Police: where is your neighbors house? Me: if i tell you, you won't believe me. Police: tell me Me...
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 6 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 18

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A wife was busy frying eggs

    when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Letter Written Slow A LETTER FROM A WEST

    VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER Dear Louanne Ellie Mae, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 24

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Unengaged Brain PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE

    SPEAKING Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Aug 24

    Your Response

    Cancel

    TEACHER: Why are you late,

    Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Tips for driving people insane!

    HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Let me through! A car was involved in an

    accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I couldn't find any other place

    for this but I believe these questions were actually ask . National Park Questions From The Intellectually Challenged Looking for something else on my hard drive, I found this -- dated 12 September 1995. It's supposedly real questions asked of rangers at several U.S. National...
    charles849 charles849 70+ Aug 22

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Mirror An old man

    and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two young engineers applied

    for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about

    their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Feb 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    “Oh no! not leftovers again!

    ” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    What's the difference between a brown noser

    and a shithead? Their level of commitment. : P
    andthislittlepiggy andthislittlepiggy 36-40, F 3 Responses Aug 23

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Wal-Mart Vs Heaven I consider Wal-Mart to be

    God's gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices. Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors Heaven: Eternal Wal-Mart...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 21

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A little girl was watching her parents dress

    for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George

    Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 22

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Atm In The Lobby

    I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in... I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby." :o
    TheSecretAgent TheSecretAgent 31-35, M 8 Responses Oct 16, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    First day at school..

    . The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 27

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The stir of the town!

    It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, " You've got to keep...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A husband was having an affair.

    His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having anaffair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Things learned from children.

    .. Some things I've learned from my children: Super glue "is" forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters "do not like Jell-O!" A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I

    drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Well what if I didn't drink this beer? Those workers might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference

    between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money...
    wendu44 wendu44 18-21, F 4 Responses Jun 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning

    wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A woman announces to her friend

    that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Oopsy Daisy! On opening his new store,

    a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Lawyer at the Pearly Gates.

    A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."Saint Peter asked Gabriel to...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Aug 24

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Whats the difference between ooohh

    and AAAHHH... 3 inches!
    Cindycindy1234okk Cindycindy1234okk 41-45, F 1 Response Apr 28

    Your Response

    Cancel

    What men say & what it "really means"!

    "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 6 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Actual Court Sayings!

    30 things people actually said in court Question 1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Question 2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. Question 3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Procrastinator's Creed.

    1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Husband wanted A lonely 70-year-old widow

    decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the...
    Chrissy1961 Chrissy1961 51-55, F 5 Responses May 16

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of

    marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Phone service Classmates at college were

    lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint. "I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one. "CTC? Who are they?" "You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 22

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A wife and her husband were having a dinner

    party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the

    other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 26

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My husband works as a service technician

    for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 23

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My mother is a cleaning fanatic.

    One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Aug 23

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Signs for "every" job!

    In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait." On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak." In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 24

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Fun At the Drive-Thru Window!

    Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please". When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Why did the bicycle fall over?

    Because it was two-tired
    ItsAlexYay ItsAlexYay 13-15, T 1 Response Aug 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    All these Hitler puns are unprecedented,

    Anne Frankly i did Nazi them coming...
    peaceinmiles peaceinmiles 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 2

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled

    into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 6

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Single Sophie and Shirley,

    two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 22

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Way to have FUN while shopping!

    Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these... Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!" Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible". When an announcement comes over the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An old man finally gets the sports car of his

    dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 15

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three men are traveling on a ship,

    when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 5

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The perfect man poem.

    The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side. He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride The perfect man loves cooking...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I said...I really mean.

    .. THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel