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I Like People With a Sense of Humour

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 24,840 People

    We spend the first twelve months of our

    children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Feb 27

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    When I was young, I used to eat a lot

    because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Jun 5

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    An old man and his wife went to the doctor

    for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Jun 5

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    It doesn't matter how often a married man

    changes his job,he still ends up with the same boss..Lol just kidding too..:-)
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 7 Responses Feb 2

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    Little Billy came home from school to see the

    family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 11

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    Who doesn't like a good joke,

    one that makes you laugh all the way to your stomach? You make me laugh, we are alright with each other.
    Danielle1011 Danielle1011 51-55, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot

    for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 10

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    Dead Duck A woman brought a very limp duck

    into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Seriously

    I like being around smart, witty people who have a sense of humor. Why worry about being so serious all the time? There's plenty of time for being serious when it's necessary. In the meantime, let's joke, have fun and laugh.
    pentupfreedom pentupfreedom 46-50, M 11 Responses Apr 20, 2012

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    Humor

    I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. I hung up and called him back. He answered and said, "Hello" to which I replied, "Hey, friend, it's me...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 4, 2013

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    A little girl and her older brother were

    visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Apr 11

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    rougewolf55555 rougewolf55555 18-21, F 1 Response Apr 13

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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr.

    Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 5

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    You either have a sense of humour

    or you don't! Us Brits are know for our great sense of humour........How about being slapped in the face with a wet fish British style? :)
    Squirrelstales Squirrelstales 46-50, F 6 Responses May 17

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    A young man goes into a drug store to buy

    condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 11

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    A man tells his wife,

    "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." The wife yells at him, "Why are you just telling me now?" He said, "Because I couldn't stop laughing."
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 11

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    A married couple got a red haired child

    after many years.The couple had a brown hair,so the husband became suspicious and the wife upset.They saw the doctor,who was puzzled,because according to the law of genetics this was not possible. "How often do you have sex?"he...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 8 Responses Feb 7

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    My eyes are open wide And by the way,

    I made it through the day I watched the world outside By the way, I'm leaving out today I just saw Halley's comet She waved Said, "Why you always running in place?" Even the man in the moon disappeared Somewhere in the stratosphere [Chorus] Tell my mother, Tell my father I've...
    Holla34 Holla34 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt

    because he doesn't want to waste his time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook and WhatsApp! ;) :-p ----- Monica Lal
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 9 Responses Apr 25

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    Adult apologies but clean racey joke: The

    difference between a protitute, a spouse and a girl/boyfriend. protitute says 'faster faster' (to get to the nxt trick no doubt) a spouse says 'I think we'll paint the ceiling blue' a girl/boy friend says 'slower slower'
    HouseMouser HouseMouser 46-50, F 1 Response Apr 10

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    I have a good sense of humor

    and enjoy being around others with the same type of flavor. Humor is a great relief for being depressed. I love going to comedy clubs with my husband and with others and laugh and clap out loud when hearing funny jokes by stand up comedians.
    readytovacation readytovacation 36-40, F 4 Responses Jun 14

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    Women are like iPhones.

    You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves. #isthatso?
    sweetpetals sweetpetals 31-35, F 8 Responses Sep 7, 2014

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    If FedEx and Ups merged,

    would they call it Fed UP?
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 3 Responses Feb 26

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    A couple decided to commit suicide together

    after a rough life. They decided to jump off a building. When they got to the top, they both agreed to jump on the count of 3. The woman jumped but the man held back. He watched the woman drop for 8 seconds, then saw that she pulled a parachute. Who betrayed who?
    FelicitySmoak FelicitySmoak 31-35, F 12 Responses Apr 30

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    This past fall semester,

    at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Feb 26

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    Teacher: "Answer this math problem:

    if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Apr 11

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    A man was walking along a California beach

    and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 2 Responses Feb 27

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    A mother went to pick up her daughter from

    elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 11

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    I Try Not to Take Myself Too Seriously

    I really do try not to take myself too seriously now concerning things I do for fun. I have spent much of my  life taking myself too seriously in too many other areas. I had too much responsibility for a child from an early age. Felt too much need to control everything in my...
    datura datura 56-60, F 53 Responses Mar 31, 2009

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    A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant.

    The waitress asks, "What will it be?" The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 2 Responses Feb 28

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    A husband and wife have four boys.

    The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Apr 11

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    How To Shower Like A Man:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 12 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Hahahah I dig this photo.

    #friendshipgoals
    drunkinlove23 drunkinlove23 18-21, F Apr 15

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    A tourist at the department store went to buy

    bras for his wife."We have them in African,Chinese and Russian sizes," the salesgirl said. "That's new,what are they?"he asked. "The African sizes uplift the fallen,the Chinese make mountains out of molehills,and...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 13 Responses Feb 26

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    One day a man came home from work to find his

    wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic **** magazine! What ever are we going...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 1 Response Jun 5

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    So yesterday I went with my mama to an

    appointment... It was my first time there so mama came with me. The Orthotist, a handsome man, asked me a few questions and made me do this and that... Then after it was all done, my mama asked him how much it would cost to get my orthosis... Him: Around 470$ or more if we...
    EarlPhantomhive EarlPhantomhive 18-21, F 1 Response Apr 28

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    When a bachelor marries,

    his wife has three qualities-she is an economist in the kitchen,an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed.After a few years,sure enough the three qualities remain,but not in the same order-she is an aristocrat in the kitchen,a devil in the living room and an economist...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 9 Responses Jan 26

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    A doctor tells an old couple at his office he

    needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Apr 11

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    So a man dies, goes to Heaven,

    and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M Jun 5

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    some of y'all on here joke with me

    and **** but others just take it too seriously and like WHY YOU GOTTA KILL MY VIBE BRO.
    payt0n payt0n 13-15, F 1 Response May 19

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    A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their

    bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 7 Responses Jun 5

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    TheCunylinguist TheCunylinguist 41-45, F 7 Responses May 3

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    A little boy goes to his dad

    and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 2 Responses Jun 5

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    Three men walked in to a bar.

    You think one of them would have seen it!
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 3 Responses Feb 25

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    ''You gotta learn to laugh'' - Michael (John

    Travolta) from the movie ''Michael''. Can it be said any more simply or direct?
    Olivia1962 Olivia1962 51-55, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands "Dear, Dad. It is...
    timothyc31 timothyc31 41-45, M 3 Responses Apr 10

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