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I Like This Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 40 People

    Two Monkees

    A man took two monkees to the taxidermist. Taxidermist said,"Do you want them mounted?" Man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."  
    retiredfather retiredfather 61-65, M 3 Responses Mar 30, 2009

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    an old Man and woman hate each other

    but stay married for years. During their shouting fights, he constantly warns "if I die first, I'll make sure I dig up out the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life." One day, he abruptly dies. After the funeral, the wife immediately goes to the local bar to party. her...
    ajrestless ajrestless 22-25, F Sep 21, 2014

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    Ha Ha!

    This is way too long for a stoner joke but I thought it was super cute.     A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey Koala, what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint...
    mefirstGIMME mefirstGIMME 22-25, F 3 Responses Oct 31, 2008

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    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Oct 20, 2012

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    Cute

    SENIOR DATING Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.     Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.' Edna: 'Well, I...
    jrabbit1321 jrabbit1321 46-50, F 9 Responses Mar 30, 2009

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    Related Experiences

    I got a couple jokes today so hear I go why was everybody waving there hand my buddy said I said I poopted he said aww gross ::) another why are u so lazy Rick he said I don't like...
    spygro spygro 13-15, M 2 days ago

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    Three Catholic girls showed up for confession one day. All knowing each other, they decided who would go first. The told the preist that she had given 4 hand jobs in the past week...
    Josh1978 Josh1978 36-40, M a week ago

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    One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 4

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    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 7

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    Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 14

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    When I become a ghost I'm gonna leave messages on walls in blood but they're going to be really positive like "you did a great job today."
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 7 Responses Mar 21

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    My girlfriend says if I buy her one more stupid gift, she's gonna burn it...so I bought her a candle and walked away like a boss
    Josh1978 Josh1978 36-40, M a week ago

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    This one I rather liked ^.^
    Aethic Aethic 18-21, M a week ago

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    John Smith witnessed a mugging. About an hour later, the cops arrived, and the officer in charge asked the witness his name. "John Smith," said Smith. "Cut the funny business," the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    School Report Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy. “Isn't there a movie about...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    If a car travels at the speed of light and turns on its headlights, what would happen to the light?
    Laffa Laffa 22-25, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?" The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    The Stormy Sea As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 5

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    ok people, make me laugh!!!
    scottie1974 scottie1974 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 6

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    FLYING HIGH The new guy was being ribbed by the veteran workers in a high-rise office building. One worker told him, "You know, we're so high up here that there is a really strong...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 1 Response Mar 6

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    Kids At The Wedding At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 8

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    Trying to Please Mama The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don’t know, dear. What would I wear...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 8

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    Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack Daniels. The first elephant says, "I bet I can drink this faster than you guys,"and with that gulps down the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 9

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    "How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant. "Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 9

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    A supermodel finds a mirror compact, looks inside, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." A second supermodel takes a look too, and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 9

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    GET RICH QUICK! Recently I saw an ad in a magazine that read, "Send me one dollar and I'll show you how I make money!" So I gambled a buck and sent for his advice. A week later I...
    BadPam BadPam 56-60, F 4 Responses Mar 10

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    Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 12

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    I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman driving with her face leaning up...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 1 Response Mar 13

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    Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?" Ray answered, "It was easy. I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 13

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    After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 13

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    What walks down an alley, and has holes in it? I'm looking for a specific answer... who can get it?
    HazyMoon HazyMoon 18-21, T 4 Responses Mar 14

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    I met this girl on a dating site once (true story), and she told me she had a fear of stairs. I told her not to worry, 'We'll take it one step at a time.' :D
    Aethic Aethic 18-21, M 3 Responses Mar 15

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    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 15

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    A Nun Arrives At The Local Bar John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 16

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    Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 17

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    Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 18

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    Why did the chicken coupe have two doors?..................Because if it had four doors it would be a sedan. #rimshot
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 1 Response Mar 19

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    A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 19

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    Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an ape...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 20

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    One day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, "Mommy, I've been thinking about us humans and I'm a bit puzzled. How did we first appear on Earth?" "That's a very good...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 21

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    A middle aged man walks into a psychologists office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask. The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 21

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    Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, Where did he come from? He came from heaven, Johnny. Wow! I can see why they threw him out!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses a week ago

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