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    Two Monkees

    A man took two monkees to the taxidermist. Taxidermist said,"Do you want them mounted?" Man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."  
    retiredfather retiredfather 61-65, M 3 Responses Mar 30, 2009

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    Cute

    SENIOR DATING Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.     Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.' Edna: 'Well, I...
    jrabbit1321 jrabbit1321 41-45, F 9 Responses Mar 30, 2009

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    Related Experiences

    I would tell you a pizza joke….but it’s too cheesy.
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    Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he...
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    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. I like BAD jokes :)
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    New Airbag In Detroit GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT-- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since...
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    A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He...
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    Moe and Lenny are strolling home from Shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly...
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    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know...
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    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could...
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    An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth...
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    Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement...
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    A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside
    sweettazzy sweettazzy 16-17, M Mar 31

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    A jeweler was approached by his regular client, Mrs. Havers with a strange request. Mrs. Havers, who was divorced, asked the jeweler to make two earrings from her inscribed...
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    I have a box full of stuff: like hugs, kisses and even love... Every time someone say "send her my kisse, my hug or my love, I say I will, but I'm just too lazy to go to the post...
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    This bloke goes to the Doctors. "Doctor, i keep thinking im a ******* Cowboy" "How long have you felt like this?" said the Doctor "******* YEEHAAARS"....... said the bloke. (Years...
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    Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge? She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 9

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    Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 10

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    John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening. The hospital doctor would watch...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    One day while at her job as a ... One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad...
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    Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig. He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and...
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    Converting a Bear A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the...
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    Why did the chicken crops the road... I don't know I'm cuckoo
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    A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot!" the...
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    Payback A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy. So the...
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    Some new vocabulary arachnoleptic fit, noun: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug, noun: Satan in the form of a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Mar 19

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    Some new vocabulary (Part 2) dopelar effect, noun: (1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. (2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 19

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    You know you need a new lawyer when: 1. He tries to sell you Amway products at the first client meeting. 2. When he enters the courtroom, the DA and the judge high-five each...
    TandSMichael TandSMichael 51-55, M 1 Response Mar 21

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    Sardar Gurpreet Singh received a letter from his bank on his loan which said: "Sir, your repayment amount is outstanding!" Sardar Gurpreet Singh replied: "Dear Sir, thanks for the...
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    Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma? A: Carry-Oakies
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    There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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    A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?" The sa lesman, somewhat taken...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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    Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was...
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    A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 25

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    A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back. The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 25

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    Why did Ariel blush? Because the sea weed!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 25

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    A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the rest room?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Mar 25

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