Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue...
Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm...
Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!
It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question.
A man’s got to believe in...
Which colonists told the most jokes?
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right.
True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more...
Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Leprechan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold...
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and spit on him.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d...
Who's there ?
Cows who ?
Cows go 'moo' not who!
You talk like an owl!
Who's there !
Q: You know a boss is like a diaper?
A: FULL OF **** AND ALWAYS ON YOUR ***.
Q. What is the rent collectors favorite game to play?
Q: Why are the children the...
"My name might not be Luna, but I sure can Lovegood"
Girl, are you sure you're a muggle cause I'd swear that *** is magical!
I wanna stick my "Sorcerer's Stone" in your...
Lets practice Alohomora...you can be the door so I can slam you all I want!
"Have you been using Accio? Cuz I've been coming to you every night"
Would you like to whomp my...
Going to bed? Mind if I Slytherin?"
Hermoine, I want to wear you like a pair of sun glasses, one leg over each ear.
You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a...
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the...
Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10. If it's wet make it dry.
8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7. Never tell management what you are really...
This guy walked into a bar. Sits.and sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills. Like 100s not 100 singles. But any who , the man asked the bar tender about the jar. The bar tender...
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice...
Q: Why are PCs like air conditioners?
A: They stop working properly if you open Windows!
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill...
What do ghosts dance to?
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What do cars do at the disco?
What kind of dance do...
There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there.
He replied by saying, My owner has a really nice car...
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this...
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks...
Here's one of the very few I can remember...
Why are Hurricanes named after Women, when they come they are warm, and moist, when they leave they take your home, and Car,
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer...
Fashion Pick Up Lines
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Lick your fingers and touch the girls clothes and say "how bout me and...
Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee (B) comes after it!
Q: When do people start using their trampoline?
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water...
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies...
Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.
What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on...
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old...
Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks, "You're driving the truck and you're at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an...
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that...
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. Until now, she'd never even been...
Q: Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
A: Because he's Sooty!
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy." His friend replies, "What do you mean?" "It's like this: My hairline is in...
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your...
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said...
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a...
Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?
A: Let's get together and make some cents.
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has ****** on the outside.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
That's right - step into my tardis....
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed...
Alcoholic Pick Up Lines
"Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine!
Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.