I Like to Tell Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 365 People

    what did the buffalo say

    when she dropped off her son at school? bison! XD
    randomgirl42 randomgirl42
    18-21, F
    7 Responses Feb 11, 2015

    1st man: it's sickening the way my wife talks

    about her ex-husband. 2nd man: that's nothing, my wife keeps talking about her next husband. Lol
    Ed360 Ed360
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Apr 22, 2014

    A Japanese tourist presented a travellers

    cheque to the bank teller.When he counted the money he said, "how come there is less money today than yesterday" "fluctuations" said the clerk, "And fluct you lot too" says the Jap.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 30, 2014

    A priest is walking down the sidewalk

    when he sees a lady walking towards him with one of her breasts out in the breeze for all to see. He stops her and exclaims, "Young lady, it is indecent to be so exposed in public!" She looks around in confusion then looks down and immediately screams.."Oh God! The baby is still...
    Tterbow Tterbow
    41-45, M
    Dec 8, 2014

    A hat and a scarf were planning to go out.

    The scarf said "if you go on ahead. I'll hang around"
    picklebobble picklebobble
    51-55, M
    1 Response Dec 30, 2014

    I love a great joke. Here is one: A guy shows

    up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
    Gallantio Gallantio
    36-40, M
    Feb 17

    Jane knew she was attracted to Tarzan the first

    time she saw him in the jungle. In her conversations with him about his life she asked him how he made love. Tarzan replied. "Tarzan not know this love." so Jane explained it to him. Tarzan replied. "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree stump." Horrified Jane said. " no no no! You...
    Slashrattlenroll Slashrattlenroll
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Mar 9

    unlikely things to hear on songs of

    praise hello Canterbury let's make some ******* noise
    thedevilsfavouritedemon thedevilsfavouritedemon
    46-50, M
    Aug 27, 2015

    Many people know me for being funny (:

    and I like that yesss sir .
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 31, 2014

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    2 Responses May 2, 2015

    Try This One....it's Fun :p

    Test for  Idiocy Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! First...
    Candita Candita
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Oct 3, 2007

    I went home after a night shift on Christmas

    morning , only to find a load of Meccano Lego and Playdo ! I did not know what to make of it
    1barebrit 1barebrit
    41-45, M
    Dec 30, 2014

    Did you know that they had automobiles in

    Jesus’ time? Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
    liLly3joy liLly3joy
    26-30
    1 Response Nov 25, 2014

    Why women make Better assassins.

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.After all the background checks, Interviews and testing weredone, there were three finalists: two men and a Woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the mento a large metal Door and handed him a gun."We must know that...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    3 Responses Aug 9, 2014

    What does a cat or dog get

    when they go to the seaside? Sandy paws !
    1barebrit 1barebrit
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 30, 2014

    Heads up it kinda a rude joke

    but give it a read I promise you will have a good laugh. "An old man was sitting having a smoke and his grandson comes walking in and jumps onto his lap the grandson turns to his grandad and says "grandad can I have a try of you smoke" grandad turns and says "does you...
    FabulousYetiMan FabulousYetiMan
    22-25, M
    2 Responses Apr 22, 2014

    Two little boys,9 years old,

    in the hospital. One boy says to the other, what are you in for? Getting my tonsils taken out. 1st boy" that's great they'll wait on you hand and foot and you get all the ice cream you can eat. You'll be fine. 2nd boy says " what are you in for? Circumcision,2nd boy gives him...
    Wizard4 Wizard4
    51-55, M
    1 Response Apr 22, 2014

    Invasion Of Privacys

    0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and...
    PRETTYGIRLHATESTHEWORLD PRETTYGIRLHATESTHEWORLD
    18-21, F
    4 Responses Jan 8, 2012
    FatherTimeConsuming FatherTimeConsuming
    46-50, M
    Dec 23, 2015

    A farmer is trying to breed his sows

    and decides to get a stud to service them. So he drives them over to his farmer friend who has a stud pig and lets them into the pen with him. He asks his farmer friend how he will know when the sows are pregnant and the man replies that he should check on them in a couple of...
    Tterbow Tterbow
    41-45, M
    1 Response Nov 11, 2014

    Another joke that an EP-er made me remember: A

    lady is late for work and speeding on the freeway. She ends up driving past a cop with a radar gun underneath an on ramp and he quickly catches up to her to pull her over. He swaggers up to the car and asks her, "What do you do that you had to be going so fast to get to work...
    Tterbow Tterbow
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Nov 11, 2014

    Girl At Dentist

    a girl goes into the dentist to get a tooth pulled, she is very very scared. she says to the dentist, i'd sooner have a baby than have a tooth pulled. so the dentist says, make up your mind and i'll adjust the chair.
    cyrilpeter cyrilpeter
    51-55, M
    3 Responses Dec 1, 2010

    a guy stole the church clock

    and When he was asked why he did that he said God's time is the best lpl
    easygoing1212 easygoing1212
    41-45, M
    1 Response May 3, 2015

    what do you call a bird

    that sticks to clothes? a vel-crow! XD
    randomgirl42 randomgirl42
    18-21, F
    14 Responses Feb 18, 2015

    why was the bass cleft scared of the treble

    cleft? because everyone says when the treble cleft comes "oh no! here comes treble!" (lol sounds like trouble kinda) XD
    randomgirl42 randomgirl42
    18-21, F
    1 Response Mar 1, 2015

    Very Dirty Superman Joke

    So superman is flying around the city one day, looking for something to do, when he spies something incredible. With his supervision he can see into Wonder Woman's apartment where she is completely naked and lying on her bed, writhing in pleasure, eyes closed, mouth open, and...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Aug 7, 2011
    randomgirl42 randomgirl42
    18-21, F
    4 Responses Apr 2, 2015

    Braking news It's just been said

    that birty bassit has ebola But then again he has been hanging around with all sorts
    1barebrit 1barebrit
    41-45, M
    Dec 30, 2014

    Woman At The Doctor

    a woman goes into the doctor with a very bad cut on her upper thigh. so the doctor asks her to ***** off her underwear, when he sees the bad cut he says. my god thats a nasty gash you got there, and she says never mind that, can you do anything about the cut on my leg.
    cyrilpeter cyrilpeter
    51-55, M
    Dec 7, 2010

    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math

    problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher...
    jerzee78 jerzee78
    36-40, M
    May 17, 2015

    A man decided to have a face lift

    for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm...
    jerzee78 jerzee78
    36-40, M
    1 Response Apr 17, 2015

    ~~Going Up~~

    A man walks into an elevator where he sees a buxom blonde...He accidently hits one of her breasts when pressing the button for his floor... "Oh pardon me miss". The man says..."That's ok fella. If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow was, meet me in room 502"...
    allycast54 allycast54
    41-45, F
    4 Responses Nov 9, 2012

    I found this message funny It does like this

    👇👇 You don't like calling restaurants because the only person you like talking to is Siri I found that message cute and funny
    lorrena19 lorrena19
    18-21, F
    1 Response May 3, 2015

    A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip

    and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
    jerzee78 jerzee78
    36-40, M
    1 Response May 5, 2015

    Bobbit In the News

    Laurana Bobbit  made the news again. You remember her. she was the one who cut her cheating husbands manhood off when she caught him cheating. Well she caught her new boyfriend cheating and was going to do the same thing to him. She got the knife and tried to cut it...
    BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia
    41-45, M
    20 Responses Dec 25, 2007

    My Favorite Joke!

    A pirate limps into a bar with a pained look on his face and his ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch the bartender asked what any sane man would "are you ok?" The pirate replied "aye it be drivin me nuts!" Bah dum tsss
    Ryman2810 Ryman2810
    18-21, M
    Jul 6, 2013

    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015

    yesterday was a history,

    tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift FROM GOD.... negative , from OOGWAY....... "every body wants kungfu fighting"...
    lightyeartraveller lightyeartraveller
    22-25, M
    Dec 21, 2015

    Have a Laugh :d

    A friend sent these jokes in my mailbox ....hope it brightens someone day too :D  I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I  gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY...
    Candita Candita
    22-25, F
    5 Responses Oct 3, 2007

    unlikely things to hear in court Mr Harris is

    now time for your sentence. Can you tell what it is yet Mr Clapton I believe it is highly likely that you did shoot the deputy given that you have already admitted shooting the sheriff. Mr pistorious it is now time for a toilet break. no one else go in there
    thedevilsfavouritedemon thedevilsfavouritedemon
    46-50, M
    Aug 26, 2015

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015

    unlikely greeting cards roses are red,

    violets are blue, I've got something nasty and now so do you. roses are red, violets are blue, sorry you're dead what can you do
    thedevilsfavouritedemon thedevilsfavouritedemon
    46-50, M
    Aug 26, 2015
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