I Live In a Sexless Marriage - Forum & Chat Board | Affair over and hurting

I have been in a sexless marriage for years now. I felt
so lonely in it that I sought out an affair. I met a man online who was
also in a sexless marriage. We talked about our reasons for seeking an affair
and what we were looking for before even meeting. Well, he broke up with me today
after four months of what was a wonderful passionate relationship. He said
he has been feeling extremely stressed living a double life and can't imagine a
life without seeing his kids daily.

I have been in a sexless marriage for years now. I felt so lonely in it that I sought out an affair. I met a man online who was also in a sexless marriage. We talked about our reasons for seeking an affair and what we were looking for before even meeting, which was a long-term affair to help us cope with our marriages. We were both on the road to divorce. Well, he broke up with me today after four months of what I thought was a wonderful relationship. He said he has been feeling extremely stressed living a double life and can't imagine a life without seeing his kids daily.

I had no clue until today about any stress from our relationship. He also says he has no plans to divorce now or two years from now or ever. This is the same man who told me he had been taking small steps toward divorce for years. He mentioned divorce regularly and told me how unhappy, lonely, and depressed he had been until he met me. He also said he wanted to continue seeing me after he got divorced. I know his marriage is not a good one. His wife left with the kids and went to a hotel and asked him to leave the house. She said they would return when he left. This had to do with an argument they had and nothing to do with our relationship, though now he says he was being very short-tempered with her due to his feelings for me. He ended up going back home after two weeks, but now he and the wife have separate bedrooms. He also sent me very lengthy emails she wrote to him regarding their marital problems and lack of intimacy.

Until today he had always assured me he was planning to divorce (that is why he showed me the emails from his wife). I told him I was as well. He also always made our relationship a priority. Tonight he said he loved me and wished he met me another time. He said I make him happy, but he can’t continue our relationship due to his own personal limitations. I don't understand how he can go back to his sexless marriage and live that life. I truly can't. As for me, I'm so hurt because I allowed myself to trust him. He said and did all the right things.

I am not planning on staying in my marriage forever but for at least two more years. I don't know how to cope with it now that I have lost this special relationship. I know affairs aren’t right, but I really feel my marriage is over and thought his was as well. Living in a SM is very difficult for me, and I am tempted to seek another affair. The affair helped me because I got the part of my life that was missing. However, I know I deserve more than just an affair. I really need some advice.

I feel so very sorry for you because you have suffered doubly. . . firstly in your marriage and now with your FWB.   It does seem very unfair of him that he should go back on everything he has told you previously.

May I suggest you read the stories and forum posts here?  That will give you some help in understanding your marriage situation and in working out what you need to do for yourself.

Don't give up on love - it would be tempting to do so after your experiences.  But there will be a man out there who will love and cherish you in the ways you want.  

May you have a much happier future.

" I don't understand how he can go back to his sexless marriage and live that life. I truly can't.  "

He told you:  his kids. 

Now, that is not to say that his reasoning is an effective means towards his desired goal.  Further, that is not to say that he was telling you the truth, mind you.  We are all selective in what testimony we accept as fact and what testimony we reject.  His track record so far is that he changes his mind and does not feel compelled to uphold promises made to either you or his wife.  So, everything he says may have little credibility.  However, at a minimum, we can be certain that overall, he wants to end his affair with you. 

I will be frank, though.  If his wife took the children and left the house, my bet is that she was scared for her safety.  If she just wanted to be a *****, chances are greater that she would chase him out of the house.  It takes a strong woman to leave her house with the kids. 

He might not be such a nice guy after all. 

Now that this affair is hopeless, tell us about your sexless marriage. 

 what more could you demand, the man told you he could no longer see you due to his own limitations.  If that is truth and it may well be, let it go, he perhaps did not realize the stress an affair would have on him and realized that he wanted to go back to his cell like any institutionalized prisoner.  Remember the good times and let him go and remember that we only control us and not them.  Peace my dear.

For those of us who do decide to find a FWB, we must remember, there is ALWAYS the chance that what happened in your situation will happen. People make choices and when we are involved with them, the choices affect us. Sometimes that involves pain.

I am very sorry for your double pain, but, your FWB breaking off with you could very possibly be a blessing in disguise and stopped a lot worse pain from happening further on down the line. Who really knows? But if you look at in a way like that, it will be much easier to deal with the present moment.

At the end of the day we all must take our own responsibility for the part we play in all the choices we make. Choosing to have a FWB in our SM does not always come with the good because we don't always know without a doubt what choices the other will make from one day to the next.

That is why the "one day at a time" is so very important. Yes, it is good to look forward to our future, but we must take into consideration that anything is possible , especially when so many are involved in the circle.

(((Hugs))) to you and hope you find some peace with this.

Not to sound harsh, but...

Marriage is a commitment.  Even if one sides breaks that covenant, it is still an oath of commitment until one or the other officially breaks it off.  It is not honorable to cheat secretly by either side.  So don't expect another ethical relationship on the side if you do so.

Ethics are built in stone, they are unchanging, principles which you decide to or not to live by.

Morals are changing to the situation, they usually are a measurement to societies values or a relationship.  We justify our own actions and morality for which we act.

Don't expect anyone to hold themselves up on morality alone.   Morally what they do in the moment is not all telling.  How they ethically act in their lives and in the bigger picture is much more telling of that persons true character.  It may be heart breaking to have the person breaking up like this  but that is who he is.  Ethically, what he and you are doing is wrong,  so expect more wrongs to more than likely follow.

Everyone tries to justify their actions, but in a case like this, if you are not open with your spouses or have not officially broken your vows by contract, you both are doing wrong and this is what you can expect from such, that level of morality was set and accepted by each of you with this relationship.  

He probably did plan to get a divorce and be with you. But he changed his mind. It has to do with his children.

Or maybe he's a bad guy. Maybe he was manipulating you the whole time.

Either way: you just have no choice but to accept the truth: he's not going to leave his wife for you. Don't be a fool and chase him. Take it for what it was: you had a 4-month affair that you enjoyed very much.

But most affairs end, and not well. That's why they're risky.  Don't compound the risk: make a clean break. That's my advice.

Thank you for reminding me that the FWB that I would like to have, without bothering to get the big D first, may not be the cure all that I would hope for. Not that getting a divorce guarantee's anything either.

rfeather,

I think it is a different case here.  This was a affair, with love and feelings mixed in there.

A true FWB relationship should be just that.  A friend with benefits.

The problem seems to be that one half of even what is supposed to be a FWB relationship will end up wanting more out of it than the other.

lonelymarriedwoman,

I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling.  If I were in your shoes, other than looking pretty odd, I would assume that his love for you was genuine and he more than likely does want to be with you right now.  It's easy for people to think they know what they are going to do, but when it came time for him to go through with it, I guess he just couldn't.

It is just not fair the pain that most of us on here have to endure, but you should do your best to move on and at least you had some good times that you wouldn't have had if you hadn't met him.

Affairs are extremely stressful. Guilt aside just having to go through life covering your tracks can really wear a person down after awhile.

And perhaps it is also wiser to start an affair just for the sex without any other expectations and if it gets more mutually serious as a result then fine. But going into an affair expecting love and deep intimacy with sex being further down the list is leaving yourself open emotional turmoil later on.

So often in affairs one person goes in just for the sex and the other for a relationship pretty well guaranteeing an outcome such as you describe in your post.

Thank you for all your responses. I truly appreciate the insight each one of you has given me into the affair situation. I have let go of the anger, but I am still hurting.

I sent him a goodbye email this evening. It was a very heartfelt message. I told him I expected no response. It is just something I needed to do for closure and without the anger I felt during our two-hour phone conversation last night. In an email yesterday he expressed that he didn't know how I had the strength to be in an affair. I told him I didn't know how he had the strength to endure a sexless/loveless marriage for the many years to come and basically shut that side of himself down. For the record, my former affair partner's wife has Aspergers, and he has described her as basically asexual. He said she has gained a bit of weight, though not an unreasonable amount, but she has let her appearance go in many other ways. I can vouch that he is in great shape.

My situation is that my husband has sexual hangups, anxiety, and had fertility issues. In addition, he has gained 60-70# since marriage. I exercise and stay in good shape, though.

My former affair partner and I have both discussed the lack of intimacy with our spouses until we are blue in the face but no change. During a discussion regarding not having sex in years, my husband told me he was "satisfied" with our marriage as long as I treat him nice.

My former affair partner responded to my heartfelt goodbye email shortly after I sent it.  He basically said that he was sorry he hurt me and that he will never forget me or the time we spent together. He also said that he has never loved another woman like me and that I will always be in his heart.

His email made me cry, but it means a lot to me. If things had to end, then I'm glad they ended in a kind, loving way.

Being sexually abused by our spouses leads many of us to want sexual relief outside of the marriage... we sure are NEVER going to get it within the marriage.

Well this is a ****** situation to arrive at, because of the well logistics of taking on another person into your life... and them taking you on into their life. In my essay about the impossibility of the perfect affair, your eventuality is one of the reasons I point out for affairs being impossible. My advice therefore, is fine a new paramour, enjoy yourself with this partner, until it no longer works for either of you (maybe it will last forever, maybe it won't, but we all know there are no guarantees when it comes to other humans). 

Find a new partner and only remember the joy you shared with this man... think about him... he is probably back to a life of celibate hell... it's not easy for guys to find a paramour (well not as easy as it would seem to be for women).

Hugs,

james

atlanta

I consider myself very lucky.  I have a husband in a sexless marriage for over 15 years or so and had a boyfriend who truly cares about me and fills my loss with abundant love.  He understands my feeling.  He does not want to see anyone unhappy.  So I can be in the sexless marriage for a while. 

I feel pitiful about myself for staying with my husband while I am cheating.  I want to leave him, but I dont want to hurt him.  I call myself hypocrite on a rainy day. 

My deepest sympathies for your hurt. You should consider that you were attractive enough to sway a man who puts his children first. You were both lonely and found some temporary solace in each other and you found a rare creature, a man devoted to his children. Your ability to spot a good man has apparently improved. Cherish what you shared, however brief.

 after reading the post a few times and re-reading all the thoughtful responses I am thinking maybe the man is just institutionalized like Brooks from Shawshank Redemption.  

and I quote:

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. 

Heywood: ****. I could never get like that. 

Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has. 

Red: ******* right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway. 

People who get involved with hurting people have a responsibility to to under-promise and over-deliver. I'm sure this was a nice man you got involved with, but you deserved the above, not the reverse. He ill-served you by not thinking about his various sensitivities on his OWN time, not after having you bond with them -oh so inconveniently. Pay careful attention to the way he "apologizes". It will hold valuable clues into what to see coming from miles away the next time around.

I hope you and others having affairs will take all the time and focus you need to properly assess the character and inner strength of anyone you might get involved with. Speak the truth, demand the truth, live the truth. After sexlessness, that need is far more critical than intimacy. In fact, without it, there is no intimacy. At some point in the process, you avoided some painful truth. Fix that and claim the love and pleasure that you so richly deserve.

That's really rough. Must hurt like hell.

That happened to me after a two year affair. He told me he loved me. He even asked me to marry him one night. Then after two years he ended it, said he wanted to make his relationship work. Totally illogical. 

Sounds like you had the perfect set-up - he is crazy to walk away from that.

Stay strong.