on 06:27PM at Feb 9th, 2013
Does anyone on this board fear that they may get in the same position again in future relationships? Mainly that it will end up sexless and without intimacy. Have yhou learned anyrhing from being in a sexless relationship that prevent you from getting in the same situation again? If so, what have you learned?
on 08:22PM at Feb 9th, 2013
I am in the best relationship of my life - so apply appropriate discounts to what follows.NO
, I had no fear that I would get in to another dysfunctional relationship. Not because I stupidly though "that couldn't happen" but rather because what I had learned over the journey meant that I would not STAY in such a situation if it occurred again.
Ms enna and I did exhaustive due diligence before we both made "me" choices and decided to give it a shot. Turned out it DID have the legs we thought it had, and a "we" developed.
It 'could' have been a **** up. That is an ever present risk in any new relationship. But I cannot imagine her - or me - staying if that had turned out to be the case.
So, I didn't "fear" getting into another dysfunctional relationship at all. Had it happened, I figured I would be able to handle that, and get out. At the first dealbreaker.
Tread your own path.
on 08:28PM at Feb 9th, 2013
And what Baz said. Substitute suitable male partner of my choosing for "Ms. Enna" though.
Last edited on 08:30PM at Feb 9th, 2013; edited a total of 1 time
on 09:17PM at Feb 9th, 2013
Yes... Very much so. I don't worry about sexless aspect though... I worry that I can not see possible disfunctionality... I am in second(long) marriage to a Borderline person... First one was to a Narcissist... For many years I did not have any idea about either.. So it has to be something wrong with me if I am attracted to such types... or they attracted to me... I did not see any red flags whatsoever...
on 02:17AM at Feb 10th, 2013
I don't fear getting into the same kind of relationship again. I fear not recognizing a doomed relationship before it gets too far.
on 05:03PM at Feb 10th, 2013
If we ever go 90 days without sex or one of us being in an iron lung, someone is moving out.
But I have known people here who were in multiple sexless relationships. These people need to do a lot of boundary work.
Interestingly, both our refuser ex-spouses have ended up back in sexless relationships.
on 10:08AM at Feb 11th, 2013
*shakes head* Iron lung?? LOL
For me, no.... have never been more clear on what I want and need from someone. I will not be in a relationship just be with someone. If I can't find what I want, I will just be on my own.... But, I am thinking thatI I WILL find him...
on 01:01PM at Feb 11th, 2013
That's already happened to me, so of course there is that fear. Right now, I'm not looking for any kind of intimate or sexual relationship with anyone. I feel like my experiences have made me unable to trust another person with that very delicate part of me.
What I've learned from my relationships is this: If the chemistry isn't sizzling right up front, run. Any need to coax, or flirt, or initiate on my part in the beginning signifies that the chemistry isn't there. Sexual desire cannot 'develop over time' like a friendship does. Once the oral stops, the sex IS going downhill, and is pretty much done for. Having sex in a relationship (a real one, not a fwb or one nighter) too soon creates a false endearment that is completely unsustainable and will fade very quickly. Whatever someone tells you upfront, listen to. If they say they hate cheaters, run because they are either going to cheat or constantly suspect you of it.
on 02:41PM at Feb 11th, 2013
"If the chemistry isn't sizzling from the start, run".
That sanity would have saved about 80% of the sufferers on this board.
on 09:52PM at Feb 11th, 2013
Love your powerfully simple advise, VB.