I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | Can I make my husband my roommate?

Has anyone reconciled their marriage to a roommate situation?  I really would like to come to an agreement with my husband that we are no longer intimate.  Its been like 6 months since we had sex (this is a short dry spell, the longest was almost 2 years in 6 years of marriage), and we never touch or have any intimacy, emotional or physical, anyway.  So its really just stating the obvious and agreeing to keep it that way so nobody has any expectations.  I've already decided to leave him and I have a plan formulating but it will take a little while before I can go.  I'm finishing my degree and I have two small children to support.  He's generally useless so I need to be able to support them on my own.  Maybe I'm naive and communicate too openly with my husband (well, I communicate, he shuts down), but I just feel that I'd have a huge sense of relief to just agree to only be roommates going forward.  Every so often he asks me if I want to go out somewhere to dinner or something (which I don't want to do, because we spend the evening either talking about money or watching other people have fun and we don't talk).  I'd like him to stop asking me out, and I don't want him to touch me anymore.  Not that he does, but I want rules I guess, so I never have to worry that he might suddenly get the idea in his head to touch me.  I want to be free to not expect anything from him and I want him to stop half-heartedly trying every few months to be my husband.  I'm not sure he is aware that the marriage is over.  That's the one thing I have not yet communicated.  So should I ask for what I want, or should I hold all my cards where he can't see?  

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but wanting to communicate this screams I still hope he changes. You can give me every excuse or justification here, but I've been there, done that...got the damn tshirt, lol.

If you truly were done with the marriage you wouldn't feel the need to communicate anything & you would tell him you don't want to go out next time he asks. Hold your cards & leave in one swift move...or you can throw yourself right back into the cycle of hope, disappointment, depression, & anger again. You know exactly what will happen if you have this talk so why go there?

 

In my jurisdiction, this would amount to being separated but living under the same roof.  Tricky, but the law here allows for this.  

I found this when researching for another post recently.   (These apply in Ontario, Canada)

"Q: How do I become legally separated?
A: If there is “no reasonable chance of reconciliation” between you and your spouse you are “legally separated”. You can be “legally separated” and continue to reside in the same residence. The test to determine if you are separated, includes, but is not limited to the following:
1. do you have sexual relations?
2. do you go out socially together?
3. does one spouse do household chores for the other?
4. do you and your spouse hold yourself out as separated to third parties? "

You would also have your lawyers create a separation agreement to formalize financial, support, and custody issues.   Such an agreement  is rather important to protect you from being liable for debts that your spouse might incur. 

Your jurisdiction may be quite different.  Contact a lawyer in your locale and get advice. 
Good luck. 

 

In your mind, the marriage is over. And you are developing a plan to get out.

How you handle the co-habitation while this plays out is entirely a matter of choice.

If you want him to remain oblivious to the fact that the hammer is coming down, then you'll just bullshit him along like you have been doing.

Is there an upside (for you) in him knowing that the hammer is going to drop ? (Seems to me that there isn't unless your exit plan is at do-able status)

Are you SURE you are not trying - at some level - to somehow signal to him that he is on "last chance #76" ? That is to say, that you are NOT as far advanced toward the exit as you think you are ?

Tread your own path.

 

I get what you're saying, but I don't see communicating as a last ditch effort to fix it.  I just like to be up front with people, any people, about anything.  I don't like to drop stuff on people when they're not expecting it.  But I agree with you that in this case I probably should just keep it to myself.  I don't want to fix this anymore.  Its not fixable in my opinion.  He tried to hold my hand out of the blue the other day and I pulled away.  Its too little too late.

 

I get what you're saying, but I don't see communicating as a last ditch effort to fix it.  I just like to be up front with people, any people, about anything.  I don't like to drop stuff on people when they're not expecting it.  But I agree with you that in this case I probably should just keep it to myself.  I don't want to fix this anymore.  Its not fixable in my opinion.  He tried to hold my hand out of the blue the other day and I pulled away.  Its too little too late.

 

You run a risk if you tell your husband the marriage is over.  That risk is that he will expect you to leave immediately - or within a short space of time.   If, as you say, you are not yet in a position to leave him, then this would be taking an unacceptable risk in my opinion.

On the other hand, it is underhanded to live with him, allowing him to believe you are trying to make things work, if indeed that is no longer the case.

Only you can decide which of these difficult situations is the more tolerable.  It is a case of choosing between a rock and a hard place.

 

theturkeyswife, I hear you on wanting to be up front because that is probably a part of who you are.  I respect it because I'm very much the same way.  Unfortunately, our spouses are not & they do not want or appreciate our honesty.  Intimacy includes communication.  Your spouse doesn't want or may not even understand healthy communication.  Your need to be open & honest about things will most likely be countered with anger, the "I'll change" speech, or the feeble attempt to have sex with you.  All those reactions have one thing in common...they are done in hopes to shut you up for a while. 

Sometimes we have to accept that not everyone wants to accept the gift of our honest  communication.  We simply have to move on & quit trying to comunicate.  It's a very good lesson I've learned to put into the life skills bag...if you don't want what I have to offer I won't force it on you.

P.S. Your screen name is still making me laugh.  I may change mine to thechickenswife, lol.