I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | Handling guilt?

I'm all of... five days into having decided to divorce my husband.  I feel fantastic for me, but I feel so sad and honestly guilty for him.  I think I've realized that he is actually happy the way we are, or as happy as he knows how to be.  How I feel certainly won't hold me back from going forward, but I just feel terrible for him.  If you've been here, how did you handle the guilt?  Just get over it?  Therapy?  

Thinking of the selfishness post today--I wouldn't say I feel selfish at all.  I know I'm doing what is best for me and the kids, but I hate that I have to do this to him in order to get there.

 

I've got no magic elixer to assuage guilt.

What I have got is an explanation based on the immutable life law of choice and consequence.

He chose his behaviour way back when.

You have recently chosen your response to it.

His choice caused you hurt. Then your own choice to stay in the situation caused your ongoing hurt.

Your choice is going to cause him hurt. How he responds to that is down to him.

You could easily make the case that whatever hurt he ends up copping was of his own creation, brought about by his own choice.

Just like your choice to stay could be said to have been you causing your own hurt by staying.

There's no guilt to apportion here. There is however, choice, and most definitely, consequence.

Tread your own path.

 

"Our marriage had been stinking up the joint waiting for someone to call time of death on it,"  

Lol, exactly!  

Hmm, something that keeps coming to mind for me, too, is he has often (in like Valentines/Anniversary cards) said stuff about how I make him a better person.  And, you know, maybe he's just saying ****, but I do think he means it.  The problem is, he makes me a worse person.  Whatever better I'm stretching out of him gets taken from me.  And, it seems as much as he may think he likes becoming "better," he also resents it.  

But yes, his choices are his alone.

 

I have some guilt because STBX is in no way prepared to handle his own life.  Just the other day he was freaking out about some tax documents he got and I had to point out that they were not what he thought they were.  I just keep telling myself that it really will be best for him to be independent.

 

If you had a son or daughter living at home unemployed at the age of thirty what would you do?  What if your son or daughter was a drug addict?  Would you allow your own child continue down a destructive path in their life or would you step up & hand out some tough love?  Some people need to learn things the hard way & there is nothing to feel guilty about.  Enabling a person is NOT a loving action!!!  So, there isn't much for you to feel guilty about.  You are simply handing out some tough love. 

Then again, we're all only human so sometimes we will feel guilty when we really shouldn't.  Just try to keep reminding yourself that you are doing what is best for the both of you & be gentle with yourself. 

 

This has been a good thread for me to read. 

 

SITC, I cannot possibly give you enough "likes" for your post!! LIKE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!!

 

Yeah, I've got a little guilt myself.  She's trying pretty hard to win me back, but back to what?  if she would be like this all the time, as I had been for her, perhaps we wouldn't have gotten to this point.  But she's missed the boat now, and there will be pain.  There's no way around it.  

If there's one thing I've learned here, it's that the realization of a sexless marriage is a harbinger of pain.  Whether that pain endures or leads toward the path of happiness is our choice.  But make no mistake, there will be pain, and guilt is a part of it.

 

So why do you feel like saving your own *** from being buried sexlessly alive is something worthy of guilt, that it's wrong?

And why do you feel personally responsible for the ultimate happiness of someone who's just not all that into you?

It's just more co-dependent madness. Maybe read the wiki of Codependent No More to stiffen your spine.

 

It will pass and he will help it along by doing/saying things that will make it easier and easier to move along.  Keep the focus on your life!!

 

Haha, that is certainly true.  Today being one of those days.