I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | Has anyone else found themselves becoming an Arse?

I had a bit of a realization the other day, and my boss nearly fell off her chair laughing. I was relating a story of how I felled a bill collector who hounded me a bit too late on evening.  Noting that it was 8:50-something and calling after 9 is verboten and cause for the collector to forfeit the bill....I spoke as nice as I could manage with him until 8:58 or so....then turned into Mr. Hyde in like the worst way....in the end I believe I questioned his parentage, and called him several names before hanging up....then when he managed to re-dial the second time at exactly 9:02 I answered again...this time very calmly informing him that the law does not allow him to pester me after 9:00pm...how very kind of him to fall for the bait and call back to complain at my language...LOL.  It was somewhere directly after telling the story that I realized....he was only doing his job (sucky as it is and his accent is not really his fault) .  I on the other hand had been completely false in order to lure him into talking to me too long....then....at the last moment said things I should really never say to any other human....simply to make him pissed off enough to dial back.  Effectively luring him into a verbal battle - to entice him to call after hours..on purpose. 
After telling the story -I exclaimed -
I might be an Arse-hole....???? (exclaiming this to a co-worker appears to be what set off the boss......to whom I have also been a bit of an Arse)

Is it possible I was an Arse to the wife....?  (not chasing why Baz)  just checking.....

OR

Does being in an SM - and then realizing it is neither really all your fault- nor anything you alone can fix...and finding yourself morally stuck there for some time period - cause Arse-like behavior.   Do I need to check the attitude a bit?  I do note I seem to love to get into a snark-fest and I am just plain horrid at times - surprising even myself  with how just plain nasty I can be.

Tonight the wife shot an "I am sick of your doing that" at me when I implied she might enjoy it if I "bought the farm"...I would have normally defended this by some argument....but lately I actually feel enjoyment out of ******* her off.....so I simply left it as though she had not even spoken.  I have flamed my HR department at work in e-mails where references to Grim fairy tails are used to imply snark to my flaming.....I even asked the boss that was laughing if she would rather I continue fighting fires - reminding her that for  Gulliver , the Lilliputians were not very partial to the firefighting technique....

Please tell me - is this just another phase of the disentanglement that precedes someone actually filing paper on the other.....or.....am I really an ...Axx??

Did any of you turn into a rather beasty version of you on the way to where you are now?

 

  Yes, of course. Years of rejection and pent up sexual frustration leads to all sorts of nasty behaviour after a while. It's one of the reason I want to put the clock back.

      I used to be a fairly laid back but assertive young man, when I didn't like things, I'd do something positive to change it. My ex used to comment on this, at the beginning as a point of 'praise', but after a few years of increasingly worsening marriage, as a question as to what happened to that guy (I had the added fun of living overseas and having a controlling and manipulative PhD adviser at the same time - so I was isolated with no let up in the cr@p).
 
  My spouse also displayed what I now read as classic 'passive aggressive' behaviour: constantly losing things; forgetting things; public praise mixed with undermining jabs; emotionally isolating with no intimacy.  

  It's hard to control your anger in these circumstances. I had no idea what was happening to me, I was just finding it harder and harder to control my anger flare ups. Often they were directed outwards (some noteable 'road-rage' incidents, deserved, but over-reactions), but sometimes directed towards a calm but hurt wife, sometimes I could break through the defences and get her to cry and/or shout. The last few years I was pretty much constantly sniping. Towards the end I did actually identify the issue, somewhat crudely I noted that she could be a completely useless, lazy, ****, if she'd actually f#ck, but without that, there was a higher bar.  

  Really, I was flailing about in the dark, I didn't know what was going on, shame and embarrassment stopped me talking or even reading about this stuff (look up sex on the internet? - don't make me laugh). I didn't start looking into the subject until a year after saying "I'm done".  

  Now, I'm a much more angry man than I should ever have been, I've developed 'passive aggressive' tendencies of my own, mixed with assertive aggression. I'm still likeable enough, but don't interact as well as I should. It's going to take a long time to repair this.  

  So I bitterly regret my wrong headed, ingrained, perseverance and loyalty, to a marriage that was clearly not working right. It's not just the lost years, it's the lost person I grieve for.

 

@ Brother Wolfy.

Quoting you here - "Is it possible I (wolfy) was an Arse to the wife....? (not chasing why Baz) just checking....."

In my deal Wolfy, it was more than possible I was an arsehole to my missus, it was an absolute fact at one point.

Having reached the "tried everything" stage I gave full rein to my ability to come up with hurtful remarks and such like for a significant period. And believe me, I can do a fine "Arsehole" when I put my mind to it.

Thing is, it dawned on me that this "Arsehole" act was proving as useful as any other strategy I had trialled, like the scented candles, the reasoned arguement etc etc etc. Namely, no use at all. In fact, my actions demeaned my missus, and more importantly (to me anyway) it demeaned me too. Probably more so. And, I can't hide behind saying things on the basis of having lost my temper. Much of what I would say was cold, calculating, and designed to sting and sting hard. It was, at that time, quite deliberate.

So I stopped it. Cold. There and then when it dawned on me as a useless pursuit. That's when I buried "Resentful Unhappy Husband" and took on "Responsible Financial Partner" persona, which reflected the facts of my situation, and was much easier on me - and my missus - whilst the rest of the sorry saga played out to its' end over the next few years.

But, "was I ever an arsehole to my missus ?" You bet. In spades at one time.

Tread your own path.

 

I feel like the little realization that I can unleash a cold, calculating and just plain aggravating Wolfy is significant.  I.E. if I recognize it then like Baz said I can "stop it cold".

For now however there is a bit of use in recognition, followed by controlled usage.  The snarky Wolf has a more positive forward momentum hidden within the nasty.  Cultivating the better part of that and controlling the worst part, may in fact lead to motion which is the opposite of stagnant - change happens in the midst of motion.

 

I call my b**** side Consuela.  She's saved for those who fully deserve it, lol.  She is fiesty, crazy, mean, & great at full on verbal lashings.  On a funny note, since I do all the cooking & cleaning sometimes I would announce "Consuela quit" because her job has become too hard & even though the room & board is great, the pay sucks & my coworker (husband) is a butthead.  

I read somewhere that symptoms of passive agressive/emotional abuse is becoming emotionally abusive yourself.  Keep an eye on personality traits that aren't really your own.  Those issues are hers, not yours...it's best to keep it that way.

Me I've always know I had a b**** side since I was young & had to learn over the years how use it in a more positive way.

 

Always had a temper....but I learned to control it .  The angry warlock of wordy spellbinding craziness is a new character in my disorderly head.  I kind of like him sometimes -at others he is a pain...so I will heed your warning about becoming nuts ourselves...

 

"the angry warlock of wordy spellbinding craziness"  LOL

Your alter ego sounds fun!

 

He can be fun (if controlled) - as he is often found to be hilarious by my co-workers who review my messages to those that irk  - out of control he is frightening.  The frightening part is a thing which turns the wife off....I know this ....and I make every effort to control.  However - she also knows how to trigger that which makes it difficult to control and she will do it to win an argument by then simply arguing that anyone acting /speaking so irrationally cannot have a rational point.  I simply avoid argument with her because of that.

I know a lady though who has proved that this is not how it MUST go - but rather only one direction it can go.  I was literally beyond the most pissed I could ever be once, when she was around.  I had actually entered that silent totally angry state, ( where my wife seeks to either provoke me to strike her (which I simply refuse to do...I do not hit persons I love) or provokes me to simply give up the argument in order to let go of the anger

BUT....this lady came directly to me and approached slowly, speaking kindly and quietly....she took my hands in hers and then spoke to me this way until I had calmed and felt loved and cared for - a place from which it it hard to hold anger.  I LOVE this lady.....because she is the first and only other human I have met that  A. - was not frightened...she approached when even people that know me well would not  (my son calls this look - pissed to 10 feet off). B. Did this because she cared....and was able to show that care through the anger clouding my thinking. C. she knew that I would never hurt her, and that I was hurting, and the anger was directed at that issue.  She spoke to the issue - not AT me - directing my attention away from the anger.  She loved me - even at my worst, and loves me still when I give her my best.  (I fix things for her, and sometimes take her to get ice cream etc. - fun).

She is now very often the benefactor of the warlock of wordy craziness......when she needs someone to talk to....even confide in.  I am there. 

 

In your post above Wolfy you describe beautifully an "authentic person" - the lady who cares for you and can reach past the hurt to the "authentic Wolfy". 

So often in our lives we feel the need to "hide" our authentic selves - no doubt a legacy of past hurts.  Yet paradoxically the genuine honesty of revealing your true self is the most disarming and healing of actions. . . . . .

 

Enna - Absolutely....this lady and I have a very close friendship.  I use that as a yardstick for what to look for - when/ if I get out of this.  I cannot state with authority that I have a "out" date so it is still when /if.   She is divorced, but currently involved with someone in a "relationship".  I count it unlikely that everything would fall into place that would allow me to offer something like that to her.  I can say that I would love to.  

I can tell you that the incident described happened roughly 4 years ago....and it still resonates as something marvelous and wonder inducing. I do value whatever time that I share with her, and any that I might get in the future.  She is the same person I have mentioned here before. 

In the end the only thing that is for real in all this is the lesson...and you have captured that better than the "warlock of wordy craziness"

 

LOL

 

Enna, what you wrote is extremely insightful.