I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | how to start over.

i WILL START BY EXCUSING MY POOR GRAMMAR AS I AM A BIT HAPPY AND ITALIAN.
I was wondering, If I get out of this hell, how the **** do I tell my future bf why we broke up?
Honestly before SM knocked on my door, I was oblivious, and had I ever met anyone in a SM, I would think
"okay you are either a weirdo or a freak, either way, I want nothing to do with you".
If I say to someone what I am living, whether its a potential lover or just a friend, wont they think
"WTF?" My mom even said "you dont want everyone knowing you hubby is funny".
Funny is how my mom calls him now a days, what would people think, the same thing I would.
a) you suck in bed, really really bad.
b) you have some sort of STD or worse
c) you're lame in the sack, oh thats the same as a) LOL
d) you lie.
How do you stand a chance at anything better than this by starting a new relationship on lies.
Yes I pick D) because It's embarrassing to admit to another human being that I had to beg for sex.
Ya I know I'm ranting but do you all think of this?


Oh I just thought of something else, even if I were to say the truth, how does that look on me,
splitting a family over sex, i'll look like a ****, with no priorities and selfish.

 

With at least 40,000,000 sexless marriages in America alone you have lots of company and chances are there are a whole bunch of people that you will meet that have been in the exact same boat you've been sailing over the waterfall in. It's even becoming more mainstream and appearing on television as people begin talking about this. It's become so common that almost everyone knows someone that is in a sexless marriage so you don't have to make up excuses these days or even hide the facts. Just be up front about the facts and you are very likely to be believed.

 

If you are in a relationship that possesses true love, intimacy and understanding, you won't blink an eye about telling him the TRUTH.

You are in such deep dysfunction at this point in your life that you cannot imagine this level of sharing.

But with the correct person who loves you, you won't even have to pose these kinds of questions.

The TRUTH will flow naturally between the two of you.

And once you get the taste of deep intimacy, and how that makes you feel well loved - you won't ever again settle for all the loveless/sexless lies. You will demand better and not tolerate anything less.

 

I can't see why this would be casual dating fodder - I mean everyone puts their best food forward for that stage -and frankly it's not anything you would want to put out at that stage.

If the relationship was amenable to both parties down the line, I am sure you can bring it up then. You know during the phase of getting to know someone.

You have no control over what someone thinks of what you say about your ex. If a man I was dating told me his ex was a total *****, I would hear alarm bells unless I'd seen it first hand (takes two to tango). I would think by this phase of dating, you would have most likely had sex so you wouldn't have to worry about him thinking you were terrible or had some STD.

This is just one of those things you can't control really - if he takes it badly, he's not worth your time and if he takes it well then you know you have a keeper.

 

Simple:  You do not mention it. 

Just make it clear what your sexual appetite is and keep your cards close to your chest.  Hopefully reading all of the Gold At Work here in this forum will lead you to think clearly and sniff out a refuser or a liar. 


Then again, you may get charmed by a refuser on the rebound.  Just be ready to pack your bags and leave at the first refusal.  That has to be your standard. 

 

I rather not mention it, but I'm sure the scars will show.

 

Well, gave this some thought and if I were the guy and stepping out of the fact that I am living in an SM, I do not think that I would find this troubling at all. I would most likely find it a little exciting as here would be someone that has lacked proper attention and needs to make up for lost time. However, I would agree with the above poster in that it probably would not need to come up unless a relationship developed into a more serious endeavor. Just my two cents.

 

I think it will take some time before I date again.
When I do I will tell whoever it is that I am terrible in bed.  LOL.
After all, by my calculations I have had sex about 30 to 40 times in the last 14 years.
The average couple does it that much in 4 months. 
I'll have to get a duster and knock all the cobwebs off of it.

 

Take time?? 

 

Not sure why I posted this question when I have so many more important ones, my brain is fuming.
This ship is not going down with out a battle from hell.
I'm scared.

 

This subject needs to occupy your mind about 0% of the time MsO.

Horse comes first, then cart.

When you are in a position to think about this, with a potential candidate, you will be a different person than you are today (stuck in a shithole marriage) and you will see the whole thing very differently.

But that ain't now. That's for when you are out'

Tread your own path.

 

You don't mentioned it because I think it will create unnecessary conflict in that new relationship.  What you do is take all of the lessons you have learned here and make sure you pick a more suitable partner for the next round.  Continue to explore what happened here and continue to educate yourself so that you find someone who will want to love you the way you need to be loved.

 

Lesseee,

I admitted the SM to my lady friend....we are very close and talk freely about most anything.......

..............she admitted to having refused, because he was verbally and perhaps physically abusive.  And something within her died....as Ron would say she did "not love him any more".  With the explanation and the admission I am better armed to deal with a relationship with her.

We both learned a thing or two about each other and we both still say "I love you" at the end of most conversations.  So I guess it is true - the truth will set you free....

 

Thank you all, but the truth is, I'm scared of falling for the wrong person, or it turning sexless again, its not like we haven't seen it here plenty.
Look this guy gave me the best sex ever, for 8 years, and having kids changed everything, I could have never EVER foreseen this, EVER, he was a very sexual guy, just speaking the words would make me yearn. This is not who he really is, this is why I am so confused, like him, anyone else can just stop loving me, and then what? NEXT IN LINE PLEASE....
Oh I feel terrible....

 

That's a legitimate fear I think we all have.  What if it's just a perpetual cycle and this is all relationships really are?  What if all relationships end up sexless in the end and we are searching for something that doesn't exist?  Do we want to live a life like that?  Would we be happier settling down, knowing that this part of us is probably going to go unfulfilled, or do we go from one encounter to the other while hoping to find that seemingly rare connection of two matched libidos that don't tire of each other?  I have no answers, but I know the questions.  When you have children there are another million questions to add to that list.

 

Would you PLEASE stop thinking you are going to FAIL!!

 

THANK YOU, Yes that exactly how I feel.
But you put it in a better sentence and used words LOL.

 

Well for the record, I chose to believe that two matched libidos do exist and it can happen, although rare.  I think those who move from relationship to relationship are more addicted to the endorphin rush of a new relationship.  It's not always about things getting boring or stagnating.  I can accept and understand that after the honeymoon phase of a relationship things change and you get comfortable with each other.  There is no reason though why that can't still involve daily acts of intimacy.

Start compiling a list of things to look for in a perspective mate:

1) Honeymoon phase should be mind-blowingly intense I think. This is the high point in terms of sex and it should be VERY HIGH and last a long time. 
2) Experimentation and Variety.  They should have at least some mild fetish/experimental tendencies.  If it's short sweet and vanilla it's probably a good sign that they aren't really thinking about it much outside of the bedroom. I think this is a good indication you are with someone who will eventually see it as a relationship duty.  You don't want that.
3) 'Self-indulgence'.  This should be healthy and frequent.  This is a huge indicator of where their libido really lies.

And then outside of sexuality:

4) Self -sacrifice.  They should know how you need to be loved and should want to do this for you even if it's not their nature.
5) Support.  They should want to support you when you're down.
6) Ambition.  If they have no hobbies and no goals, it's a good indication of their generally outlook and this will probably carry over into the bedroom.
7) Communication. This goes for inside and outside the bedroom.  They should tell you when they are not happy and what makes them happy.  They should tell you what they need from you to feel loved.  They should tell you what they need from you in the bedroom to feel satisfied.

Feel free to continue.

 

A proposition for you MsO.

What would your feelings be on this scenario.

1 - you get out of shithole marriage
2 - there is no d&m relationship in your future.

Does that prospect fill you with dread ?

If so, why ?

Why would you need a bloke - any bloke - in your future ?

Might be a nice thing to have, if you happen to fluke the 'right' bloke, but if the 'right' bloke does not emerge out of the mist, then does 'any bloke' do ?

Worthwhile thinking about, I'd suggest.

Tread your own path