I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | In a sexless marriage but miraculously pregnant for 2nd time

My husband has not wanted to have sex with me since before we were married. I love him, so I have stood by him since despite his intimacy problems. It has been very difficult and hard on my self esteem. Somehow, even though we have only had sex about 15 times in the last 3+ years, I have gotten pregnant twice. We have a beautiful son together and a daughter on the way. Divorce is not an option for me. My husband lost his business and I believe this is where all the stress that caused his intimacy issues came from. We have plenty of money, but when he lost his business he decided to get into his fathers business. My in laws are very smothering, so this has also been hard for me. On top of this, because my husband can't get over losing his business, he made us move to a town where we don't know a soul and have no friends or support. He also decided to buy a huge house and renovate every inch of it while we live through it. I am 30 weeks pregnant and just feel overwhelmed, helpless and depressed. When I try to communicate my feelings, he acts like something is wrong with me and I feel like he is labeling me a bad person. I'm very sad and just hoping that things get better. I realize that we are very lucky in many ways, but it's been difficult dealing with the lack of intimacy, the job change, the move, the renovation and the in laws, especially while pregnant. My husband now says he wants to be intimate but he has said that so many times before and then disappointed me so I don't trust him. Does anyone have and advice for me? Thank you.

 

I think your husband needs to get away from his parents.  If they smother him it is no wonder that he is a mess.

Perhaps try to relocate.

As for the business, tell him to try again.  He needs to learn from his mistakes and kick it up a notch.

 

You have experienced your husband's reluctance to engage in regular intimacy since before you married.


I read no evidence that this particular behavior will change.


Sorry. What you see and have experienced in the past is what your intimate life is now, and what it will be, in the future.


The probability is high that his low level of intimate interaction has nothing whatsover to do with the business failing, his parents, your moving to a different location or the renovation.


This is who he is and that fact will not change.

 

Thank you for the advice. We did have sex almost every night before his business failed. I guess I thought it would get better, but is it sort of like once he's broken there's no fixing it? Also do smothering parents lay the foundation for a man to have intimacy issues? My husband does see a therapist and says he is trying to work it out, but is that even possible?

 

You rule out divorce.

That absolute thinking is going to buy you a world of continued misery.

Might be worth taking an objective look at your position. Otherwise, you have chucked out the only bit of leverage you had.

Tread your own path.

 

I read your story...This is WHAT I read: EXCUSES EXCUSES and MORE EXCUSES!! Please read more on this forum!  Hopefully you will see the light!!!  Good Luck!

 

I have to disagree with everybody here. Sounds like he derived his personal value from his business. He lost his confidence when he lost his business.

The key is for him to find his personal value again.

Then again, you say he used to have sex with you every night...when did it stop? when you got married, or when he lost his business?

Since you are not interested in leaving yet, I suggest:

-Sex therapist. Not some stoogy marriage counselor who only provides a stepping stone to divorce. Some members here have reported success with this.
-I do think you should be upfront with him: "You need to make love to your wife or you will lose her too"
Because, even though you say divorce is not an option, imagine yourself ten years in the future, having only had sex a dozen or so more times. You WILL end up in an affair or divorced.

 

I do not really think it is all about sex. I think what the wife wants is the feeling of being loved and wanted. Well, its true that manifestation of such is intimacy , but if you dig deeper, its still about love and commitment.

Divorce is out of question exactly because love and commitment still exist between them. In maraige, there is always ups and downs and, most of the time, when you are both down and out , like what is happening in your relationship right now, its what makes it stronger.

 

My advice to you is to change the way you think. 

First of all, you must admit the truth:  Your husband does not love you. 
You know it.  He knows it.  Your family knows it.  All of your friends and acquaintances know it.  Nobody has the courage to admit that embarrassing truth. 

Normal honest loving spouses have sex on a regular basis.  The suffering you feel is a direct consequence of your husband's fake love for you. 

You need to call a divorce lawyer.  Stay strong and do not be afraid to cry.  We all know how you feel.



One more thing:  Your husband forced you to move away because he does not want anybody to know he is not fvcking his wife. 
All we see is crazy goal-post shifting behavior from our refusers. 
What we do not see is that they are deliberately dodging their own lies.